Work

At work today I was sat down for a talk with my supervisor and someone above her about concerns. I will say nothing she said wasn't true (well.. bits) but I really feel some is blown out of proportion for someone who has worked there for 8 days.

Her points:
I left the freezer a mess last week (one day).
My side (kind of my fault) I didn't want to keep opening that freezer because the temperature was rising from the door being open. I put things back in place before she got there the next morning.

I left some boxes on the counter open
My side I honestly think some were there already. I probably did leave them. I am not used to this level of precision I guess. I mean the boxes were not sealed before I looked at them. I may have taken them out for inventory and didn't think having boxes on an unused counter was a big deal. I get that now. They owner is obsessed with appearance

She told me to create an account on a site and put things in the shopping cart. I misunderstood what she said and made myself an account.
My side.. I honestly think I could have then logged out and signed in as her with the items. She told me she had an (business) account with the company. She intended for me to set up a non-business guest account but under her name (she only said to create an internet account). She got upset about how I did the account and asked me to do a phone order (ok) and ask for a discount (not my job). I said she should probably do that because I have no sales experience. She got frustrated but agreed. She then tried to the access the cart 2 days later. I did not save the cart (my fault) but I was not the one that logged me off or closed the browser (her fault because she uses chrome and i used firefox).

She got upset when she tried to pull this up while already on the phone with the company. I was on my way out but said I could find the items quickly.. at least most. She told me no that she would order from another company. There are many problems with this issue.. but I really think on my 2nd day (maybe 3rd) it was reasonable to make a mistake with the account (I was supposed to use her name and email to register) and I really thought she was ordering that day when the cart was still open and available on her computer. I did offer ways of fixing this, but yes I guess my fault.


This morning.. I did fuck up. She handed me 2 racks of DNA samples. They have all sorts of numbers. She says she needs 50 microliter aliquots. To me, aliquots are multiple tubes of the same thing (this is how we stored antibodies). She meant (and I did realize this) put this volume in a separate tube to be sent out. I did realize this.
Then she gave me "sterile" (they were opened so how are they really sterile) pipet tips that go up to 20 microliters. So I am doing 4 of 12.5 microliters. She looked at me weird when I said that. She thought we could do 50 in those tips. She was wrong and she said that. She reduced the volume to 25.

At this point, 3 other trainees are brought in. She is helping me. One of them is helping me. I mess up organization and numbering (have to throw out several empty tubes and relabel one). She splits up work between 3 of us. I did NOT mix up sample numbers. Every sample went into a proper tube. No contamination. But I got mixed up the samples being shipped with ones kept.. and it was a mess. I don't work well that crowded and rushed.

Anyway.. we meet again Friday to discuss this again. Of course, I'm crying because this job is a LOT to handle. I went from sleeping 14 hours a day until 7. I have to dress, shower, be around people. So I am a mess. I hear her and all she says. I manage (she asked for what I had to say) that the inventory of things I didn't know was overwhelming. I said that it would help me to know when she was unavailable (a different issue) then I just try to breathe.

I leave to go eat dinner at a friend's house. I cry half the way. I really think I can do this. I really hope I can show that. What I've been doing is not my actual job so far. The inventory is my job, but not what I was hired to and hoped to do (actual patient samples). but the timeline is all screwed up.

I am trying. I got there at 8 for training. I sat in my car for 20 minutes (so did the trainer) to wait for someone to let us in. I waited 10 more for her to get there. I pointed this out to her boss. I mean.. I don't really mind waiting in my car, but this is kind of ridiculous when sales reps have to sit in their car.


I will take each day as it comes.

I survived week 1. I was in a meeting (AA) earlier and thinking of when they talk about HALT. Hungry Angry Lonely Tired.. that sums up this week. Hungry because I have enjoyed claiming I'm not hungry when really I just didn't want to eat. Angry so many times over disagreements with my supervisor (the girl I know from school). A lot has been things she really didn't explain clearly. I fully understand that I misunderstood, but I'm still frustrated at how she explained things. I also am very angry that in my 1st week I became responsible for single handedly become responsible for taking inventory for the lab I work in (genetics) but not for the other lab (toxicology) that I know absolutely nothing about.

The task keeps expanding.. it was one lab then the other. It was count everything. Then include whether it was a bottle or a box or whatever. Then it was the volume of said box or bottle. Then the company it came from and catalog number.. this meant going back and looking at everything again. Plus, this stuff is mostly frozen, so I can only do so much before it becomes a problem to open the freezer again.

Lonely.... yesterday is a good example. In the morning she gave me a timeline for my assignments. Monday I have training for some new equipment. Tuesday the inventory for everything is due. Then yesterday I was required to write up the protocol(procedure) for a lab experiment. I had written the basic procedure already. Because this lab deals with actual patient samples, everything must official.. so I have to write a procedure that will be approved by my boss and my boss's boss and etc

To make this make sense.. the experiment basically involves: making chemicals used to measure DNA, prepare some samples used as comparison (ones we know the exact concentration of), and then measuring concentration of everything.

I know how to make the chemicals and the samples. For 2 days I made it clear I did not know how to use the equipment used to measure concentration. I write up the rest based on an example she gave me. I mention during the day that I needed help. At 5:30 (I came in at 8:30) she's in a meeting, I text her to ask if she wants me to stay and finish or just email her what I had done. She says I can stay or leave. I text that I need her help to finish. I wait around for a few minutes and then start preparing the email. I text her I'm sending it. She texts we can forget the last part for now and says thanks... I think in her head this was a realistic task but it really wasn't. I had never done this experiment before. I had never written this type of document before.. and I should NOT have had to sit alone most of the day to write this.

I don't want to say anything because I don't want her to think I can't do this. I don't want to say she's being unreasonable.. I just want things to get better

Job day 2

I didn't have energy to write last night. Plus, my parents and friend (only one knows about this which I'll get to in a minute) were waiting to hear about it. I just survived day 2 at my new job. It is... a whole mix of things. It is good. It is bad. It is boring. It is scary. It makes me want to pull my hair out or hide away in the bathroom. The main thing is that it's early and long considering I've been sleeping 12-14 hours a day. Plus, I'm condensing my drinking into a shorter time (if I remember I'll explain speed drinking another day). It is a lot of human interaction. Not the quick retail sort. It is being in close quarters with people (5 that I actually interact with) who are all very social and all have a much better idea what they're doing than I do.

The work.. my real job hasn't started yet. This is a brand new business/location so this week is installing and ordering stuff.
Day 1. I sat in on training on a really cool piece of equipment. I filled out paperwork. I organized a bit. I sat around a lot. My immediate supervisor (the one I know from school) had this to-do list for us. Pretty much all of which I couldn't do without her. So it alternated me sitting alone staring blankly at equipment manuals or my phone. Or following her around quickly as we counted things and made more lists and more lists.

Day 2. This started badly. Day 1 I worked 9a-6p. She wanted us to work 8a-5p. I get there at around 7:40 because the drive took less time than yesterday. I sit around in my car.. no other cars in the lot. I text her at 7:50 that I'm there and she texts that she's on her way. Around 8 another guy (I honestly am not clear what his job is) lets me in since I don't have a key (this comes up later). I talk to him some because nobody is there and I have nothing to do until my friend gets there.

She shows up around 8:30. The day is largely spent ordering more stuff. This was scary because she had me set up an account with a company which involved actually calling them and filling out forms. I hate talking on the phone.

She gives me stuff to read. She leaves with a couple people to go to another location.  I read everything she gives me (about tests and genes and such). I run out of work while she's gone.. I re-read everything and look up more.

This is another problem.. these people actually eat, and seem to think I should eat too.. yesterday one of the sales people who was there bought lunch. One of my coworkers hands me a menu for a thai place and asks what I want. I say I'm not hungry. He hands it back and says to pick something. I stare blankly at it because I really didn't feel like eating. I pick something (some chicken stuff). I get to sit there with everyone and eat.

 Today when my friend leaves she asks if I want her to bring me something if they stop for food. I say I don't know. She texts me later they're getting tacos. At this point I'm kind of depressed and have no desire to eat. I say I'm not hungry. She says it's cheap and I should eat.. so I say chicken. She brings them. We don't really have a break room (well it has a fridge and a chair and nothing else right now), so I sit in an office and eat while she orders stuff. I ask what I can do because she's going to be on a conference call. She gives me a list. Find a UV light for the lab, 2 cleaning things, and to see if she can get something cheaper.

I do this. I mention at some point to one of the bosses (the one who made me order thai food) is around and I ask about my email being set up. He's surprised it isn't. I also say I don't have a key. The guy from this morning says he can program that (it's an electronic card thing). They leave.

The guy from this morning comes back. He asks what I'm doing (I'm looking at lights or something) I start to answer and he says he doesn't care. He may have meant he wasn't trying to criticize or comment on it.. but it came off very rude. He then starts to explain how they've decided only managers get cards now and that soon there will be a secretary to let me in. Then he goes on to say that he doesn't think they usually open at 8. I comment that I actually have the text saying 8-5. He says he believes me but it's not what they normally do and no one else is there. He says if my friend wants me to work that early she can let me in because she has a key. I don't say more because I'm really angry at the rude/patronizing way he's handling this. My friend WAS supposed to let me in at 8. She just didn't bother to get there on time. Plus, not long before he rushed off to get the card that he's now trying to logically say I can't have.

She has another call to be on at 4, so she quickly comes and gives me this list of things to find to order. I manage half of it because she was kind of vague on some things and because I couldn't really remember exactly what she wanted on others.. like I wrote down bottles, and I couldn't remember what kind. She texts me to let her know when I'm leaving and we can finish tomorrow.. so we'll finish tomorrow.

The other scary thing is that she was talking yesterday about how part of why she wanted them to hire me is I'm good at pipetting and this work requires a lot of accuracy. I am/was good at it. That's true. Now, I have hand tremors. I have these random muscle twitches now (think like the effect of a doctor using a reflex hammer). She doesn't know this. I know I need to quit, and I had this plan to stay with a friend so if I had problems detoxing someone would be there. I got this job before I could do that.. now I don't know what to do.

So so anxious. This won't be long. I have had several jobs before. They were retail mostly. You know what to expect.. usually some sort of computerized training. Then some actual training. Tomorrow.. this is a start-up company. I have only seen 5 other people. 2 were the guys who I interviewed with. 2 I never spoke to. 1 is the woman I know from school. I have always liked her. For a while the extent of our conversations was when I was standing outside the lab I researched in with some caffeinated beverage. We weren't allowed food/drink in lab. She also taught a lab I was in. Anyway, we talked, but I really know nothing about her (except an odd detail I know through someone else). However, she seems really happy to work with me. I mean.. I am hard working. I am devoted to the classes I teach (and we have the same boss), but I didn't expect this. I know it's not through the professor she is doing her PhD with because he wouldn't approve of her having a full time job either.

Well anyway, I am used to very structured jobs. My impression of this is that I am her side-kick although in different terms I can't remember. Our schedule is whatever the work requires. We have new equipment coming in that we will both be training on. It's a whole lot of unknown. That is the majority of my stress.. so I will update after work tomorrow.

Job

I will preface all this by saying that I am drunk. I just had an urge to update on the past few days.

Thursday, a woman I know from school (another grad student) emailed me and 3 others saying she worked at a company that was looking to hire a lab assistant. I debated it because this was a big change. I desperately need a job, but this was an actual career sort of job. I told my therapist I wouldn't do it. It was too much. I talked to my mom and decided to do it.

I emailed this girl and said I was interested (this was thursday) she asked if I could come in for an interview Friday. I agreed. It was not a very long interview. It was awkward in that there were 2 guys there, so it was hard to know who to look at. Toward the end, they asked when I could start, and I said next week. They were excited. The boss guy said he had texted his HR guy to figure out what they'd pay me, and he'd call me.  Part of me was super excited because it was pretty clear they wanted to hire me, but there was that nagging doubt because I didn't have a real offer.

Today I went to AA at 1:30. I casually checked my phone (which was on silent) and saw I missed a call from the woman I knew who recommended me for the job. I went outside (I am not good at being patient when I know I have an important voicemail) and the message she left is that I got the job.

I called her back to get the details It's a decent pay (much more than I make now). I start Monday. She wasn't real clear what my schedule is, which is good because it means it's flexible. My friend (the woman that works there) was really excited they hired me. We know each other casually. She works in the lab next to where I do my research at school. She was the teacher for a genetics lab I took. I considered her a friend even though we never hanged out.I didn't think we were close enough for her to be excited to work with me. I mean she thanked me for going for the interview, when I am incredibly thankful for her to recommend me and help me get a job. I really hope things will turn out as good as they sound.

It was just so fast. I hear about the job Thursday. I interview Friday. Saturday I get an official job offer. I have been applying for retail jobs and anything I could find for a month now, and I got this job in 3 days. I hope this is real. I hope it  is as good as it sounds.

Stupid fly

If you read this, it will make more sense if you read the previous entry. Basically, I am an alcoholic. I am starting to think I am seeing things

This thing in particular is a fly. Little like a fruit fly, not a house fly. My apartment isn't the cleanness, so I thought maybe it was real.. except I see it in the kitchen, the living room, the bathroom.

Today. I still don't know. I think it's a hallucination/imaginary and then it does something that makes it seem real. Like it I will watch it fly, and suddenly not see it. But then it landed on my monitor and wasn't just a black dot. It had wings (and because of genetics labs I know what fruit flies look like). I have tried repeatedly to catch it and failed. I don't know. I think I mostly see it drunk. Maybe I should put out fly paper.. you really never see one fly. There are usually groups and usually around food.

Anyway, I'm obsessing. I mean a fly is not a big hallucination. I'm weird about bugs and I hate fruit flies.. so it's not that weird. Plus, I haven't seen anything else. Don't get me wrong, I know the alcoholism is a big deal. I think I should stop worrying about the damn fly


(edit added later) I am feeling a bit better.. I am still fairly confident the fly isn't real, but when I was searching online I found that hypothyroidism can cause hallucinations. They say especially in the peripheral vision, and mention things like insects. My doctor is doing blood tests and I assume she did thyroid tests, so I guess I will find out then. 

But it's the little things that make me question my sanity at times

This is going to be an odd entry.

So I am a recovering bulimic, so I'm no stranger to throwing up. I don't mean that like bragging. It's a behavior I don't think I'll ever fully overcome. I mean I hope eventually that is not where my head will go when I see a toilet.. but that's not the point of this.

For me, purging and involuntarily throwing up are very different. I hate them both but one more than the other. I really try not to throw up when I drink. It's why i switched to shots instead of mixing the vodka with juice or something. It's why I have nearly perfected this pattern: shot of vodka then juice (switched from cranberry to something sweeter because it was better if I had been eating) then water. The water is the latest addition because eventually I think the juice taste becomes mentally associated with the vodka.

It isn't perfect though. The times lately I have thrown up.. when I look up it is (and this is the best description I can manage) like I am seeing flies made of light. The way it is if you have fruit flies around you but they're bright. It's really kind of disturbing.

Then tonight, I did throw up after only 4 shots. It was a matter of timing.. too close together or something. I did see little light flies. Then since then I have been occasionally seeing a fly (a fruit fly not a big one). Not just in the kitchen.. at my desk where I have Diet Pepsi and teddy grahams.. not really fly food. I'm starting to think it isn't real. This feeling has happened before.

I mean I have hand tremors which my psychiatrist says are alcohol related. I'm forgetting shit. My mind is making up shit and making it seem real. Now maybe I'm seeing things? And I'm job hunting and making resumes and going crazy over that. Money has to come first, right? I can't do therapy or treatment or meds if I don't find a job soon