A random animal post

I realized most of what I've been doing is bitching about my life (by the way if you're offended by swearing you may not want to read my blog) and I see people post about happy things like pets and family. I decided I should give you guys (whoever actually reads this)  a little more info about me

Starting with pets because I have more pictures of them than myself.
I have 2 cats of very different ages
This is Mudge. Her name is from a series of children books I liked that were Henry and Mudge.. though Mudge was a big dog in the book. It was a choice of that or Abby. When I met her, I realized Abby didn't fit.

 She was a weird kitten. A friend's mom worked at a vet clinic. One of the techs found 3 kittens abandoned in a box. She bottle fed them, so she was very friendly. I was 13 and went to see the 3 kittens. She and her brother looked almost the same. Her sister was a grey tabby. Her brother was under a table, and Mudge wouldn't let him come out. My theory was that if she was that brave she could handle the family dog.

 This is later. Also a different dog. We got our first dog Cal (after Cal Ripken because my brother named him). We got him when I was 5 and he passed away when I was a senior in high school. This is Katy. We got her later that summer. She's a bizarre dog, but that would have to be a separate discussion. Mudge used to attempt to beat up the dogs. Trying to chew on Cal's neck. Play wrestle. By the way, Katy is named Katy because when we adopted her she was named Candy, which I said sounds like a stripper name, so Katy sounded alike and we went with that

She is now 13, and I am terrified she will die soon... I've had her since she was 8 weeks old. I'm 27, so I've had her half my life. She's my princess

This is Odd. Technically, Odd Thomas after a series of Dean Koontz books. I moved into my current apartment in 2011. I had decided that since I lived alone I could get a 2nd cat. I wanted a kitten and honestly he was the only kitten in the shelter, but I loved him. He was super hyper and playful. He still is. Only annoying thing is that he constantly leaves toys in the water bowl. One of them turned the water pink, which was weird when I saw it.

He and Mudge tolerate each other. He has more energy, and she has a bit of arthritis. She can still beat him if he bugs her. He jumped into his carrier to get away, and she made him stay there. If he starts the play fight, I don't stop her. They don't ever do actual damage.

She was sick a few months ago. I had made a bed out of a heating pad and blankets by my desk. He laid next to her while she was there.

Also, that is me in the pictures. They're not really recent. Mostly, my hair is longer and it's darker now. I love dyeing my hair. I do it myself because I don't feel like spending a ton of money. I usually wait until my roots are obvious. I always pick a different color. Sometimes it's because I can't remember what I used last, but sometimes I want lighter or redder or darker. I go and stare at the dyes until I think the employees think I'm nuts. I've been dyeing it since college. People used to actually believe I had red hair. Customers at my job would compliment it. I had a few failed attempts. It turned out bright red (think the color of a red marker), but I was young enough it was ok.

I'll add one more

This is Penny. Katy found a turtle in my parents back yard. To get her away from it, I put her in their garden (it has a fence around it). My mom decided to keep him/her. At some point the turtle got out and ended up under some bushes. I've never been sure it's the same turtle, but one of them had to be a girl, but my mom thinks the adult turtle is male. Penny hatched in their garden. I found her. At first she just looked like a rock but then I realized it was a baby turtle. Now both turtles live there.

This is her growth chart. Top is when I found her. Second is last spring. The last is this spring. They bury themselves and hibernate all winter. My mom is always absolutely convinced they got our or something until she finds them. Penny is hard to find. But Katy (the dog) has an odd talent for finding turtles. Can't find a treat you throw her, but she can find the turtles even if they're buried. She doesn't try to eat them, but she does lick them which I don't think the appreciate.

My mom actually planted part of the garden to be the turtle area. It has their water, plants there for shade, and then she honestly planted strawberries just for them. She also buys fruit to feed them. Leonard (the adult) likes red things. He eats the tomatoes and red peppers off the plants and they both eat strawberries. I honestly saw him standing up eating a tomato off the plant.

So that's my random pet story. I probably will post about me eventually.

I don't think I've written much about my parents on here. I don't know why I'm picking that topic, but I wanted to do more than just set goals for today.

My relationship with my parents is strange. I love them. They love me. That I don't question.

There have been issues between me and my mom because she doesn't have a lot of friends. She had more when we lived in Maryland, but when we moved to Texas (I think 19 years ago) she didn't make any for a while. What this means is that she would come to me to complain about my dad or my brother. This probably started when I was in middle school.. pretty young. It is really awkward to listen to someone complain about family you still live with. My parents are still married, but my dad is stubborn and not very talkative.. so I got to hear about all that. My brother was always in trouble at school for not doing homework, making bad grades, and stuff like that. He's smart but stubborn like my dad. I know you have to adapt to how a teacher wants things done. Sometimes these things aren't really logical or important except how it affects your grades. He didn't adapt. He just got angry and blamed them for his grades. So I got to hear about all that.

The major issue since I was around 7. This started as lying by omission. If I was upset, I wouldn't tell them. If I was being bullied, I wouldn't tell them. I blamed myself for not having friends. I blamed myself for being bullied. I thought emotions were my own responsibility. I'm not really sure why. I was a very anxious child.

When I was around 12 or 13, the depression started. I was very unhappy at school. I had some friends but they didn't always treat me well. I had gained some weight and was being teased for that. My parents had no idea. They are either very bad at reading my emotions, or I am very good at hiding them. I think both but mostly the latter because other people couldn't tell either. I didn't start the self harm really for a couple more years, but I remember burning my food on a candle. I remember staring at a knife wondering about slitting my wrists.

When I was 15 is when shit hit the fan and they found out about the cutting and the depression. They didn't realize it started earlier than that. My mom honestly thought it was this acne medication I was put on in high school that caused it because that was a listed side effect. That really made me angry because I had been dealing with this for years.

This is when I really started lying. I was suicidal. The self harm got worse. I was scared if I told them they'd put me in a hospital, and if I was in a hospital I would miss school. Missing school was scarier than cutting myself or killing myself (though if I was dead I'd be missing school). So I lied until they somehow found out. Usually either from a friend or they'd find something I'd written. I think they read my journal one time. Then I'd start lying again. They really had no idea how bad it was.

In college when the bulimia started, I didn't tell them. I started losing weight really quickly. I was actually doing Weight Watchers with my mom at the time. I actually would try to water load or wear heavy clothing to make the weight loss not seem so fast. I lost 100 pounds in a year. They finally found out through a friend and I ended up back in therapy.

Again, they had no idea how bad it was. I was binging and purging multiple times a day. I was cutting again, and it was a lot worse than before. I became scared of a lot of foods. Grocery shopping would make me cry. I just didn't want to tell them because my other fear was not seeming normal or not being treated normally. I didn't want anything to change

Later, the lying became something different. I started lying because my parents (well my mom) has said some awful things to me when I was honest.

I talked to them about relapsing after my first treatment for bulimia. My mom basically told me I didn't try hard enough in treatment because I wanted to lose weight.

I talked to them about the depression at one point in grad school. I had emailed them because that was easier than explaining at all. When I asked if they had read it and if they wanted to talk about it, they said if I wanted to talk about it I could. Then my mom actually said "well, that was a conversation killer"

I told her about the drinking. I said I didn't expect it to get this bad (this was actually when I was drinking a whole lot less than I am now). She told me I wanted it to get this bad, and I should have known better than to drink because I knew I'd get addicted.

When I actually decided to go into the hospital to detox, I told them during therapy so my therapist was there. They can't say those things in front of her.

What some people don't understand is that I have a good relationship with them as long as I hide that stuff. I see them once or twice a week. I go shopping with my mom. I have dinner with them. We go to movies. I talk about school or friendship drama and casual stuff like that. I don't talk about the drinking or the depression or anything like that. I have no desire to tell them anymore.

My mom has at times been supportive when I talked to them, but I can't predict which response I'll get. Will they be supportive or will she same something hurtful? Will she acknowledge she said something hurtful or will she later claim she never said that? I am fairly certain she would deny saying those things (I know she denies the one about not trying hard enough in treatment) if I brought it up.. but I really would not make this up. And I remember what she said because it was really f***ing hurtful. Probably eventually, the drinking will come up again, but I'll wait until it's necessary.

I had 18 shots of vodka last night. I actually had 16 and went to bed and watched something on my tablet. I got up when I was feeling a bit less drunk and took a trazadone and 2 more shots. The trazadone I'm not currently prescribed, but I have a bunch a friend gave me back when I really was taking it. I don't throw medication away. I hoard it. I don't know if this is a suicidal behavior or just it seems wasteful to spend money on all these pills and then throw them away the next time my meds change. Most of it is antidepressants. The only real ones I shouldn't have are klonopin and librium. Both I guess are really not good to take with alcohol. It can lead to an overdose and death and whatever. I don't take the klonopin anymore. The librium I stuck in my purse when I started working because if I started having withdrawal symptoms or the tremors got bad I could take it. I only did it once.

Today I need to go to the liquor store. I need to shower and get dressed. That's about it.. I'll eat obviously, but those are the essential things. I actually hate going to the liquor store. There are 3 near me. The closest is actually 8 miles away because the city I live in doesn't have liquor stores. The issue is that in the closest 2 there are not many employees. One has 3, two women and this guy that kinda creeps me out for some reason. The other I think has 2, but it's almost always this one guy. They all recognize me. I feel like they must know I'm an alcoholic. Who else comes in almost once a week for a $12 handle (1.75L) of crappy vodka? So I alternate. I go to Jacobs once. I go to Crossroads next. The 3rd I rarely go to. If possible, I buy it near my parents house. There's a huge one near there with lots of employees. Though it makes me feel under-dressed because it is a really nice looking place. There's another little one. Then there's 2 places on the way home from there that are about 15 miles from where I live, but they're on my way home.

Also, in Texas liquor stores are open 10am-9pm and I hate going before noon or after 8:30. I've gone in at 10 till 9 before, and it felt weird. I will do it if I have no choice. This hasn't been much of a problem since it became legal to sell liquor in the town my parents live in. Texas has bizarre liquor laws, and each city has to vote to decide if they'll allow liquor stores. Beer and wine can be sold anywhere from 6am-midnight except Sundays where it's not allowed before noon. There were also cities that didn't allow beer or wine. Then in most cities, bars are not allowed. Businesses have to make at least 50% of there money from food. Places have been shut down because of that. My city has bars, but I only drink at home so I don't have to worry about driving after.

Sorry.. rambling, but it is all really strange, and it makes being an alcoholic hard at times. Especially if I run out Saturday night because liquor stores are closed Sundays, so I have to drink beer or wine or something like that. Vodka is 80 proof (40% alcohol). The other stuff is usually only  8%-12% so I have to drink a lot more.

Unemployment day 2

Yesterday was mostly a success.

As far as my goals
Did not sit in silence. Watched stuff on tv and on netflix. Got annoyed when I put a couple things on because they had subtitles and required attention. Also started one movie and it was terrible, so I gave up on it
I think I went to be around 11. Don't remember (which is not a surprise) but I know it was after 10
I ate. Maybe too much. It's hard when I don't meals at normal times

Failure
Started drinking at 3:30. According to my hand, I had 17 shots of vodka.
I keep a pen at my desk and put tally marks on my hand for each shot. The reason is that if I do it in my head, I lose count. I used to have an app on my phone that I kept track on and also predicted my blood alcohol. Eventually, the blood alcohol part became a bit frightening, so I got rid of the app. This method mostly works as long as I don't forget to make the marks, which sometimes happens after shot 10 or so.

Today I got up at 11ish. I've eaten breakfast.

Today's goals
Shower and wash my hair (*update* accomplished)
Put on proper clothes (*update* accomplished)
And because I just took the last can of Pepsi Max from the fridge, go to some store that sells diet soda. I'll decide after I get ready if that's going to be a grocery store, the drug store, or the dollar general near my apartment.(*update* accomplished)

Got a bit annoyed yesterday. I emailed one of my friends the explanation of how I got fired and the whole situation. She was asking about filing for unemployment. She asked her mom who works in a human resources job about it.
One of my friend's emails said this
"My mom said it sounded like it was a "hiring error" because they seemed to have wanted someone who already had a lot of this experience (hence the lack of training) instead of someone who needed to be taught the procedures."

And I get what she means. But I do have a lot of experience in lab work and research, which is what I was told I'd be doing. That I didn't need training in. The error with the samples was more about how she gave it to me randomly, rushed me, and put the other new employee on it too so the whole thing became confusing. What they didn't train me in was all the other shit.. taking inventory, cleaning and organizing a lab without being given standards, etc. What she said makes it sound like I was unqualified, but I was qualified for what I was told I'd be doing. I don't know. The job was shitty, so I should just stop worrying about why I got fired.. because honestly I think I'd have been fired eventually because my supervisor was always upset that I was asking her questions and asking what I should be working on. She also treated the new guy completely differently as far as telling him things to do and sending him to be trained by people on different tasks. I'm not even entirely sure what he was working on because I was never involved in the conversations. What was clear is that he was being trained for actual defined tasks/jobs and I was left staring blankly at things in the lab because I either couldn't do something without her or was not really told what needed to be done

Can you tell I'm still angry at my supervisor? It sucks because I'm scared I'll see her at school in the fall. By then I'll probably be over getting fired, but I don't see myself forgetting how she treated me.

Also just whining, I slipped and fell in the bathroom Thursday and landed on my butt. I think I bruised my tailbone or something because it still hurts

I'm back in that unemployed don't know what to do with myself mode.
I've been good
1. I got out of bed at 10am rather than staying there until 2pm
2. I ate breakfast
3. I applied for unemployment (doubt I qualify but worth a shot) and 4 jobs

Now... I'm sitting. I watched a few shows on Netflix. I spent a bit of time looking at things I can't afford to buy. I researched hamster healthcare because my mom's hamster is getting old and she's worried.. personally, I like hamsters (except the last one I had developed a taste for human flesh) but there's not much you can do.

Anyway.. boredom. I don't want to leave the apartment. I don't really need to either. I could stand to buy more diet soda or some sort of beverage to go with the vodka. I have a handle of vodka (1.75L) plus a bit because I bought 2 on thursday or friday (don't remember). I have a decent variety of food.

I don't want to deal with people. I am just killing time until it's late enough to start drinking. This is usually 2 or 3pm. Sometimes I can last until 4 if I slept in. I can't pace myself these days, so if I start now I'll end up asleep or passed out on the couch by 6pm

Currently I'm sitting in silence because I'm too lazy or don't care enough to click next episode. Somehow TV+Computer is too much sometimes. I can't look away from the monitor enough to deal with anything.

Goals
Don't sit in silence
Don't go to bed before 10pm
I can't put a limit on drinking because that becomes a challenge
Try to manage 2 meals, not just snacks

i think that's it today. I don't think I can manage productivity. Depression sucks. Anxiety sucks. I suck at living. I can manage existing at least.

Fired

So I got fired today.... my first response was anger, then crying, then relief.

Today.. I get to work at 8:50. The new guy is there but not my boss. I start working on something.. I think the computer program I'm doing. She comes in and she tells me that the DNA samples I was supposed to help send off Monday.. 2 didn't get sent and how they had to overnight them and it cost $100 (they have several machines worth tens of thousands of dollars). I feel bad.. though I'm thinking (and figure it's best not to say) that I was not the only one pipetting samples and how do I know it was one I had picked up.

I do worry I'm getting fired.. but then the day starts. I finish my program, and it works. They set up some DNA extraction. Then I get sent off to clean.. not just straighten up. Wash tables and counters with bleach. Clean the toxicology lab that 1. I don't work in and 2. Is filthy.. like gross. After a while she tells me we're all going to lunch and we'll work on the DNA after. I sit in the break room and my boss asks if I'm hungry because there's leftovers and I chat with some people (don't eat) and go back.

We do DNA quantification and she actually lets me watch/help. Then we do some other stuff and I get asked to pipette water and then clean some more. Then she criticizes that the barcodes on stuff don't line up perfectly and makes me do all kinds of shit because the crazy manager is doing a cleanliness check. He honestly comes in later with a white glove on and points out all the dust. She doesn't say anything during.. and one of the guys does point out I/we weren't supposed to touch the toxicology equipment (which scares me because it's noisy and I don't know what it's doing).

Then I'm left to clean all the dust. Note.. there is a cleaning woman who is very nice and hardworking but wasn't told to clean either.

I go to leave and the managers pull me in and tell me that it's just not working out and about the samples. Note: this is technically the exact same issue they mentioned Monday not any additional actions. I don't cry (yay me) and calmly explain how I think it's ridiculous I was thrown in with no training on equipment I've never used. Then I got my stuff and left. Then I cried a lot.

I called my mom because I think you're supposed to in these circumstances. I cry and try to explain while crying. I also say how much I hated this job and how fucked up this was. I go over to my parents house and cry and bitch. And my mom and I both agree this is bullshit and this job was awful. I am honestly grateful not to work there, but money scares me. I can probably make it through this month... but the unknown.. so tonight and tomorrow I am going to drink about being fired. Then I'll deal with that

I cried at work today.. only a little. I am finding the scattered work really overwhelming. I like concrete jobs, and she tends to say I know what to do.. or to fix problems with something without explaining the problems. It does help a little to have someone else there. They new guy is very nice. He is very hard working, which is good but a little annoying.. I get there and he seems to tackle everything on the to-do list. She's made us a list and we have to initial what we did. I ended up writing in extra stuff that I did because it looked like I did almost nothing

Anyway, the crying. My bosses (above her) are crazy. The main boss comes in and says "What is that red box doing on all those blue boxes" (or something very close). We all look. The order I unpacked recently involved at least 30 boxes of PCR racks, at least 10 boxes of pipette tips, and some other stuff. I put every type of plate in the shelf under one table. It wasn't exact, but each color of plate was together (red, green, blue, clear, and I think yellow) but the stacks were a bit mixed to save space. I also put 2 other types there that I guess she thinks should be somewhere else.. which I might have known if I really knew what they were for (I haven't used them). All the pipette tips were together but not perfectly arranged.

Anyway, her boss says that and she goes off on us saying nothing is organized and it's all hodge-podge and our task is to organize it. We start. The new guy does say that it's already done by color. He was really nice actually. I started crying at some point because i put away a ton of shit by myself (this includes opening and unpacking the boxes and checking the packing slip and then putting them away). I think I did a decent job. Boxes were neatly stacked except the one box. The issue was that certain items were in completely different size/style of boxes, so why is it unreasonable to have an odd box out? It matched nothing else. We got it all organized better because it helps to have a 2nd person.

I'm scared of course because we're supposed to have another talk Friday about how I'm doing. Yesterday she said we did a good job. Today was a lot of little things.
1. I saw her typing the to-do list so I sat down for a minute (it wasn't even 9am yet) to see it when she printed it. She said I should start without being told
2. We are doing maintenance/setup on a machine. She asks if I've primed it. I said yes. She asked stuff about if I was waiting for the new guy or basically wasting time. I say I was waiting for the equipment to be ready, and I primed it as soon as it was. I had sent the new guy off to do something and stayed at the machine.
3. She commented on where we should or shouldn't be using our laptops. Of course, we are using our laptops because the damn lab has nowhere for use to work. She tells me I shouldn't wear my lab coat out of the lab. I shouldn't take my "lunch" by sitting in lab (I haven't eaten at work this week). I set my keys and phone on the counter. The keys were out so I could use my flashdrive.. the phone because I was reading a work email. But I see her point.
4. She left me to fix all the problems with the program I made for a machine. I asked her and tried to get her to narrow down what "problems" she meant because she said there were many. Many apparently includes one significant problem with equipment, but she mentioned nothing else.
I kind of sort out the problem but there are other problems. I tell her this around 6pm because I have been ignoring time and trying to finish the test. She asks if I emailed anyone and says she'll call tech support tomorrow. It was 6 and I was supposed to go home. I was more than willing to deal with it then.
Tomorrow she told me to take a day off. I normally work until 1pm Thursdays and go to therapy. She says she's going to be busy all morning with something so she can't train us. So it's better I don't come. She says she'll see me Friday. I am really hoping she wouldn't say that if I was going to be fired. She explained to us the hierarchy of employees.. Soon the genetics lab will have her as director, supervisors (not hired yet), and lab techs and lab aides. She doesn't know if we're techs or aides. I'm hoping if I'm not good enough I can manage to be an aide somewhere. It also might be better if I had another supervisor. It's hard to see a student in the lab next to me at school as my boss. I am working on that. I know I need to just listen and figure out how she works things because she clearly thinks differently than I do. I think I should have a supervisor or someone I can ask routine questions of because I've always had lab-mates to ask stupid questions of without being told they were too busy. Or a mentor/professor who if she wasn't with someone would explain at length what to do. Now I'm expected to know it when I really know very little about what this company does.

I am trying very hard to not think about it. Emailing/texting her might make things worse. It's also probably inappropriate to email my boss about this.

Speed drinking (aka drinking with a job)

Work was ok today... better than yesterday. Of course, yesterday has left me with 0 confidence and a ton of fear.. which is kind of ridiculous when they kept saying yesterday I need to be more confident.

Good news was that there's other stuff to do so inventory has been put aside for now at least. Today my supervisor was acting weird.. but what she told me was the same as the new guy so it wasn't just me. She gave us this weird list of what needed to be done today. Call 2 companies.. one to ask about a supply and one to call tech support about equipment not working. Then the rest was basically working on these SOP's (standard operating procedures). She already gave one to the other guy after I left yesterday. The other obviously was my responsibility.
I tried the phone calls first.. I called one and left a voicemail about the product we wanted details about. The other I called and spoke to someone about broken equipment. She got all the information, gave me a case number, and said to expect a call back shortly. I got the call from the engineer and described it again. He said he needed to schedule someone to work on it and said he'd call. He didn't call. I called again a couple hours later.. after a while on hold I left a message with the operator.. never got a call back. I also called and left a voicemail with the other company and sent an email.

Why I am frustrated... after I had called and emailed the one company, another employee got some of the requested info about the product. The other guy called the company about service too. We finally ended up calling them on speaker while doing something and he talked to them. He got someone's email which he got wrong because the emails were returned.. we ended up troubleshooting other ways.

In the end, my supervisor was happy we dealt with the troubleshooting even though it still isn't working. I suggested it might be the kit.. so we'll address that tomorrow. She had me email her the SOP and told us we did a good job.. that and said we'd be getting patient samples soon and doesn't think we're ready. She has this talk about how we make a mistake, the doctor prescribes the wrong dose based on it, someone dies, we get sued and fired. Not really motivational.

Drinking.. work has made me resort to what I call "speed drinking". When I wasn't working, I would start drinking around 5-6. I would stop at 12-1am. Now I start at 7pm or later.. end at 11ish. That means I need to condense the drinking a lot. This is very obsessive. I have to drink pretty much every 10-15 minutes or drink multiple at a time. This increases risk of puking. It also means I don't know how drunk I am because it doesn't hit right away. It's a mess.. but my hands already shake. I have to keep it up. I still have to keep count by marking on my hand. I have to have certain foods and chasers to get this to work. This is so not normal. This is so alcoholic. It's like drinking is a chore that needs to be done and needs to be done fast. So far I have been sober enough to go to work.... but... we'll see. Still have to be careful to hide the tremors. Hands in pockets as much as possible. Set things down for others to read rather than holding. Soon the real work starts. Obviously, I won't endanger anyone. I will admit if something goes wrong, but I hopefully can manage for now.