Because the prospect of sobriety and school starting and all that isn't enough, I am once again dealing with financial aid shit. Except, truly with no warning this time.
If you weren't reading then, this past fall semester I was told that because I did not have satisfactory academic progress (basically I had registered for too many hours without graduating) I could not get student loans through the government. Realize, I am talking about loans not scholarships. I am talking unsubsidized loans where I even pay interest on them. If you don't live in the U.S. I invite you to consider the logic? of this. If you live here, you probably know. So basically, I would be forced to get private loans, which are through a bank rather than the department of education, at a much higher interest late, with less options as far as lowering or postponing payments if you are poor when you are expected to start repaying.. or to get the head of the department to appeal.
After a very stressful few days, the department chair 1. Appealed to the graduate school so that because I was teaching more than is normally expected of grad students I was required to register for less and 2. Contacted financial aid and received confirmation that i was registered for enough to receive aid and my financial aid had been extended.
So, after some more stress and mess involving paperwork that just didn't get handled properly (not my fault at all), I received the letter that comes I think from the department of education that states how much I am eligible to receive in loans. I know my memory is shit, but I know it contained loans for both Fall 2014 and Spring 2015. I went through the school website and accepted the loans for both semesters (you technically have the chance to borrow less than the max offered).
So I thought this was all fine. I was good for the academic year. Except recently I was having problems with registering for classes.
I realized after a couple years (or maybe sooner) that there were some major flaws in the school I am attending. One is that there are not enough classes offered.
If you are teaching, you need to be registered for 6 hours per semester which is 2 classes. What is required is 30 hours. 5 semesters I suppose. I know nobody who has graduated that fast. I admit, I should have finished sooner. Mainly, I should have given up on research sooner. I wasted at least 2 semesters on dying cells and a professor in complete denial and blame about the whole situation where I could accomplish NOTHING (this seriously makes me want to cry now).
Ok, so onto the current problem, I am trying to register for this semester and there is only 1 thing I see offered I have not taken. I am registered, but there is no time or day listed for it, so I have no idea if it will fit with my work schedule. I have no idea if it will actually exist. I might be able to register for another class at another location. Need to find that out in addition to the rest of this.
Well, I am trying to figure out if I can register for the class at the other location because sometimes things show up in the search that we need special permission to take. So I am trying to see and tell a friend if this is one. Well, I notice that it will let me register, but now it has me not registered for 2 classes I had previously registered for (which is still an issue). Well, I re-register. It takes a while to wonder if it has to do with financial aid. You can get dropped for not paying. I look, and the loans aren't there. I check in several places. I finally look and that letter that tells what I've received, is a letter dated today January 5th.
WHAT THE FUCK?? I received no notice of this. No explanation. No warning. I emailed the department chair. She asked if I emailed financial aid... so I remembered I should ask them (even though this will probably involve her). I am admittedly in a better position this time. I have rent paid for this month. I have enough to pay the 1/4 of tuition required to be paid this week which gives me times to get private loans.
It just sucks. I don't need this. I already have that nagging thought that if I don't graduate in May I will kill myself. that is if I even last till then. If I don't stop drinking and if I don't clean my apartment (which is really not as shallow as it sounds), I may not last until May. I don't want to talk about that.
So instead, let's talk about my gerbil. My poor, stressed gerbil. My main experience with small rodents is with a hamster. When we got him, He was relatively ok with being picked up.. with running around on tables or desks. Admittedly, he eventually developed a taste for human flesh, but that was mostly after I moved away and left him with my mom. I really didn't have the space or means at the time to have him and a cat. My mom's next 2 gerbils (the 1st died after almost 2 years of we presume old age) were mean and fast, so I didn't touch them.
The gerbil... I am trying hard to believe (after reading a lot) that at some point I will be able to hold her. My mom's 2nd couple of hamsters were a type of dwarf hamsters that are usually fast and mean, so that had nothing to do with me. So far.. the gerbil has bitten me a few times. The 1st was the 1st day I brought her home. The 2nd was when she jumped/fell? out of her cage and I had to catch her on the floor. No blame there. Since then I have been cautious. Feeding her treats through the bars of the cage or occasionally through the door. The door has to do with how she got out.. so hesitant there.
Well, I needed to clean the cage, and I thought this method made sense. I was wrong. Her cage has 2 levels. My goal was to keep her on the 2nd floor in the burrow she built and remove the bedding from the 1st. Well, this worked for a while even though she kept trying to get down. Eventually she did, but there was no bedding and it was not clean enough. I had to wait until she went up again to clean a bit more and put in more bedding, a toilet paper cardboard thing (she loves shredding them), a chew thing, and some food). Later I had to add food. Now I am going nowhere near it until I hope she is calm. She took an almond through the cage. Is it weird that I am worried about the gerbil being stressed? I feel like a bad person if she is scared because of me cleaning, but seriously poop everywhere.
Next time I intend to move her to a travel carrier or something first. I tried today but not until she was stressed and I could not figure out a safe transfer that didn't involve further trauma or further risk of escape. So I will be a better gerbil mom. I will be a good cat mom. I will hopefully figure out all this school shit that I still think makes no sense. I originally had hoped to stay sober, so I texted my sponsor and went to her house. I went to her house and still ended up drinking, but I didn't hurt myself or do anything suicidal, which is better than a lot of thoughts I was having checking all the emails and websites today. So victory.. who knows? Try again tomorrow, yes.
Monday, January 5, 2015
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Tired of feeling like shit
I don't think it was ever possible to feel well drinking as much as I do. I've heard that blacking out is pretty much a sign of alcohol poisoning. Though, in my case it's complicated by drinking and taking a lot of medication. Either way, 15-20 shots of vodka can't be good for me, right?
I've gone through phases. Each phase had different physical symptoms, and occasionally I'd be mostly ok.
There was a phase where I would get sick when I was drinking, and I had to be careful and do all sorts of things to make sure I didn't throw up. I had to pace myself. I had certain chasers. I balanced it with certain foods. Lots of habits and tricks.
There was a phase where I would get sick in the morning. I think it was blood sugar related, and I've heard other alcoholics talk about it. Alcohol screws up your blood sugar, so I'm guessing it would crash in the morning. It meant if I didn't eat by a certain time, I would spontaneously start throwing up even if I had nothing in my stomach. I was so glad when that seemed to stop. Especially because with an eating disorder, my body forcing me to eat in the morning was very upsetting.
Let's see... eventually, the blacking out seemed to get worse. There were more signs I was actually doing things while blacked out instead of just showering and going to bed. There were more times I fell down. I'd wake up to find things knocked over or find mystery bruises. I kept getting upset because I would continue playing computer games (which probably should not have been the thing that I focused on). I was never overly concerned with hurting myself. I worried about somehow hurting the cats or if (God forbid) I decided to drive or in any way hurt someone else.
Then the past few days. I don't know if this is alcohol or because I had been binging and purging a lot (so dehydration, electrolytes, etc) or whatever, but I've been feeling weird. I'll randomly get either dizzy or lightheaded. I'll feel like my arms or legs have fallen asleep. It's weird because it doesn't happen at predictable times.
Like I was meeting a friend for lunch today, and I got there early. I was sitting in my car and just started feeling weird. Not exactly dizzy, but weird. So I decided to get up and walk around a store that was nearby. It felt a bit better to be moving. Then in the restaurant we were waiting to order, and I just got really lightheaded. I felt a little sick while I ate. I felt a little bad because I ordered a sandwich and soup combo. I ate the sandwich and the chips it came with, but I couldn't manage the soup. I was eating with a friend who is anorexic, and I hate not finishing food, but it just wasn't good. She also knows about the alcoholism, and I did tell her I was lightheaded. I did what I could.
I felt a bit better after having a couple glasses of water. I was looking online while at my parents house, and I found a few sites (didn't read in detail) that mentioned dizziness as a symptom of high blood pressure.. and that has definitely been a problem lately. It's one of the biggest withdrawal symptoms in this latest phase. The kind of blood pressure I can feel. I contemplated looking through my mom's medicine for something for blood pressure but decided that was a bit crazy. The latest phase also includes the tremors and muscle twitches.
So... I get home tonight, and I'm tired, and I feel shitty. And it's like I feel too poorly to drink, but I know I feel poorly because I need to drink. It's a horrible position to be in. School starts on the 12th, and this needs to stop.
I am drinking tonight because I had some vodka left and I don't feel like doing withdrawal tonight. I am thinking I may have a few drinks in the day tomorrow. I am going to church in the evening and (I do know this is not logical to a non-alcoholic) it is safer for me to be driving and be out at night if I am not detoxing and going through withdrawal. I just need that tiny bit (a couple bottles of hard cider which is equivalent to 2 beers) to maybe make me feel normal. Then Wednesday no drinks.
Of course, this is currently all talk. I've thought plans like this last week and the week prior to that. Action is what counts. I am just so fucking tired. I cannot handle feeling sick all of the time. I wonder often if I should really be driving or be out in public when I'm sober. I read a website today that talked about one of the detox symptoms as depersonalization or feeling like a spectator watching what's going on.. and that really actually describes what happens some times. Other times I just can't focus. Today wasn't that bad, but there are bad days. Days where I seriously think I should call someone for a ride. That's no ok. I know it's not ok. I feel guilty for that. I feel scared. I am usually fully aware of how wrong the things I am doing are. I am aware, but I feel I have no other choice. I am just so tired.
I honestly feel like I need to get sober or I will not survive this semester. One way or another I will not. I can't. This is not life. I have good times, but lately they are so outweighed by the bad and the sickness and the fear.
I've gone through phases. Each phase had different physical symptoms, and occasionally I'd be mostly ok.
There was a phase where I would get sick when I was drinking, and I had to be careful and do all sorts of things to make sure I didn't throw up. I had to pace myself. I had certain chasers. I balanced it with certain foods. Lots of habits and tricks.
There was a phase where I would get sick in the morning. I think it was blood sugar related, and I've heard other alcoholics talk about it. Alcohol screws up your blood sugar, so I'm guessing it would crash in the morning. It meant if I didn't eat by a certain time, I would spontaneously start throwing up even if I had nothing in my stomach. I was so glad when that seemed to stop. Especially because with an eating disorder, my body forcing me to eat in the morning was very upsetting.
Let's see... eventually, the blacking out seemed to get worse. There were more signs I was actually doing things while blacked out instead of just showering and going to bed. There were more times I fell down. I'd wake up to find things knocked over or find mystery bruises. I kept getting upset because I would continue playing computer games (which probably should not have been the thing that I focused on). I was never overly concerned with hurting myself. I worried about somehow hurting the cats or if (God forbid) I decided to drive or in any way hurt someone else.
Then the past few days. I don't know if this is alcohol or because I had been binging and purging a lot (so dehydration, electrolytes, etc) or whatever, but I've been feeling weird. I'll randomly get either dizzy or lightheaded. I'll feel like my arms or legs have fallen asleep. It's weird because it doesn't happen at predictable times.
Like I was meeting a friend for lunch today, and I got there early. I was sitting in my car and just started feeling weird. Not exactly dizzy, but weird. So I decided to get up and walk around a store that was nearby. It felt a bit better to be moving. Then in the restaurant we were waiting to order, and I just got really lightheaded. I felt a little sick while I ate. I felt a little bad because I ordered a sandwich and soup combo. I ate the sandwich and the chips it came with, but I couldn't manage the soup. I was eating with a friend who is anorexic, and I hate not finishing food, but it just wasn't good. She also knows about the alcoholism, and I did tell her I was lightheaded. I did what I could.
I felt a bit better after having a couple glasses of water. I was looking online while at my parents house, and I found a few sites (didn't read in detail) that mentioned dizziness as a symptom of high blood pressure.. and that has definitely been a problem lately. It's one of the biggest withdrawal symptoms in this latest phase. The kind of blood pressure I can feel. I contemplated looking through my mom's medicine for something for blood pressure but decided that was a bit crazy. The latest phase also includes the tremors and muscle twitches.
So... I get home tonight, and I'm tired, and I feel shitty. And it's like I feel too poorly to drink, but I know I feel poorly because I need to drink. It's a horrible position to be in. School starts on the 12th, and this needs to stop.
I am drinking tonight because I had some vodka left and I don't feel like doing withdrawal tonight. I am thinking I may have a few drinks in the day tomorrow. I am going to church in the evening and (I do know this is not logical to a non-alcoholic) it is safer for me to be driving and be out at night if I am not detoxing and going through withdrawal. I just need that tiny bit (a couple bottles of hard cider which is equivalent to 2 beers) to maybe make me feel normal. Then Wednesday no drinks.
Of course, this is currently all talk. I've thought plans like this last week and the week prior to that. Action is what counts. I am just so fucking tired. I cannot handle feeling sick all of the time. I wonder often if I should really be driving or be out in public when I'm sober. I read a website today that talked about one of the detox symptoms as depersonalization or feeling like a spectator watching what's going on.. and that really actually describes what happens some times. Other times I just can't focus. Today wasn't that bad, but there are bad days. Days where I seriously think I should call someone for a ride. That's no ok. I know it's not ok. I feel guilty for that. I feel scared. I am usually fully aware of how wrong the things I am doing are. I am aware, but I feel I have no other choice. I am just so tired.
I honestly feel like I need to get sober or I will not survive this semester. One way or another I will not. I can't. This is not life. I have good times, but lately they are so outweighed by the bad and the sickness and the fear.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Good things?
I realized tonight I mostly post negative things. Including my post about Christmas. At least, (I don't feel like rereading it) I focus more on that. I thought I'd add the positive stuff. My parents have always gone all out to make holidays and birthdays special. These days I don't think this is a problem, but I think this created some financial problems at some times in the past.
I didn't really know what I wanted this year, and since I was in the hospital early in December, I didn't talk to them until last minute.
My biggest thing was that they gave me some money toward buying a new laptop. My old one still works, but unless it is plugged in, the battery dies in under an hour. So they paid for about half, and I paid the rest. My salary was more this semester than usual, and I managed not to spend it all, so i had some leftover. So this is my cute new laptop. It's a 13 inch screen, which I actually like. I wanted small and light because I want it to be portable
I am such an adult, that my parents gave me a coloring book. I have this odd obsession with skeletons. It started before the eating disorder, and when I started learning spanish in school, it made me a bit fascinated with day of the dead. So I love this book.
This is from my aunt. It's actually my birthday gift. My birthday is in September, but she always sends it with my Christmas gift. She also sent a gift card for Christmas. It's a beautiful scarf. I don't know what to wear it with. I am not a scarf person. She has a good fashion sense. She has sent me lots of jewelry in the past, and if I were to wear a scarf I would wear this.
This will seem odd and probably inappropriate out of context, but I listen to this podcast called Welcome to Nightvale. It is basically a fake newscast about a fake city.. sort of sci-fi. It involves lots of things like secret police, hooded figures, etc.. so this is from their site http://commonplacebooks.com/ I definitely encourage you to listen if you like dark humor.
From my brother. I got a 3DS for my birthday. I also own Rune Factory 1, 2, and 3 for my DS. I have completed 1 and 2. 3 annoyed me enough that I don't think I ever finished it. The goal in all is to finish defeating all the monsters and get married to one of the people in town. I was engaged in 3, but I didn't ever finish the final dungeon and actually marry. So far in 4, I have beat 2 bosses in 2 dungeons. I am hooked on this game.
I also got new very soft pajamas, another tshirt, the gerbil (which was bought after christmas), a new emergency charger for my phone that I don't really understand, and some slipper. A few other things. From friends I got a funny calendar and book and this http://www.stashtea.com/Fred-Friends-Manatea-Infuser/dp/B00B5EE0A6 which I love.
So I am much loved. I love others as well.
My dad I bought a fancy flashlight that I am not sure I can explain it's different uses and I found some of his other gifts like a cheese making gift. My mom I gave a fancy teapot ornament by Wedgwood because she collects teapots. My brother I gave a doctor who book and some nice tea we really like. If you go to Stash tea, the Christmas morning tea is an awesome blend of black and green tea. My mom bought (after I showed her) some infusers for loose tea for my brother and me. So I got him loose leaf tea to go with it. I love this tea. I love Stash tea in general.
So anyway, I had a wonderful and blessed holiday. I have a family that does NOT understand me but does love me anyway. I do see this and understand it. I have friends who love me as well. I see this. In reading what some have posted, I decided this was worth writing about. These people may not be part of my support system. We discussed intimacy in AA today. There was some discussion of someone (some philosopher?) who said that God is the archer, parents are the bow, and children the arrow. The idea being that parents cannot determine where God shoots the arrow. In my case, I also wonder that God cannot control any errors or bends in the bow. I am no direct result of my parents, so I do not blame them. However, I am no direct result direct result of my parents, so I feel no obligation to involve them in fixing me. That has nothing to do with the holidays other than that I have received other presents both material and immaterial from others that also shape my life. I do know that I am much LOVED. I am not always happy about that, but I know it.
I didn't really know what I wanted this year, and since I was in the hospital early in December, I didn't talk to them until last minute.
My biggest thing was that they gave me some money toward buying a new laptop. My old one still works, but unless it is plugged in, the battery dies in under an hour. So they paid for about half, and I paid the rest. My salary was more this semester than usual, and I managed not to spend it all, so i had some leftover. So this is my cute new laptop. It's a 13 inch screen, which I actually like. I wanted small and light because I want it to be portable
It folds to be more easily used to watch videos or used like a tablet (it's touchscreen). It makes my mom so nervous when I fold it, which is part of why I took the photo. I doubt I will use this. I am unsure even about the touchscreen part. It is nice, but it makes me nervous
So I am much loved. I love others as well.
My dad I bought a fancy flashlight that I am not sure I can explain it's different uses and I found some of his other gifts like a cheese making gift. My mom I gave a fancy teapot ornament by Wedgwood because she collects teapots. My brother I gave a doctor who book and some nice tea we really like. If you go to Stash tea, the Christmas morning tea is an awesome blend of black and green tea. My mom bought (after I showed her) some infusers for loose tea for my brother and me. So I got him loose leaf tea to go with it. I love this tea. I love Stash tea in general.
So anyway, I had a wonderful and blessed holiday. I have a family that does NOT understand me but does love me anyway. I do see this and understand it. I have friends who love me as well. I see this. In reading what some have posted, I decided this was worth writing about. These people may not be part of my support system. We discussed intimacy in AA today. There was some discussion of someone (some philosopher?) who said that God is the archer, parents are the bow, and children the arrow. The idea being that parents cannot determine where God shoots the arrow. In my case, I also wonder that God cannot control any errors or bends in the bow. I am no direct result of my parents, so I do not blame them. However, I am no direct result direct result of my parents, so I feel no obligation to involve them in fixing me. That has nothing to do with the holidays other than that I have received other presents both material and immaterial from others that also shape my life. I do know that I am much LOVED. I am not always happy about that, but I know it.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Alcohol, New Years, Weather, Etc
I feel kinda weird today. Not sure why or exactly what weird means. I think I have in my mind that I will stop drinking after today. My new sobriety will be January 1st 2015, which is awfully cliche. Still.. somehow. I think liquor stores are closed on new years anyway.
On top of that, weather is looking to be bad tonight. Compared to some people reading this, weather here is nothing compared to yours. The problem is in Texas, USA, we have no snow plows, we don't really salt the roads, we don't do snow tires or chains or any sort of adaptation for winter. So tonight and tomorrow is supposed to be freezing rain/ice, which means the roads will be awful/dangerous. But the temperature won't get below 28 F
I was planning to go to my parents house tomorrow for dinner, but I really hate driving on icy roads. Annoying because I want to do laundry at my parents house because it doesn't require me getting money. Also, generally this sort of weather makes me a bit crazy. Last winter, there were a few days where that I couldn't move my car. There was enough ice around the tires that I could not move it if I wanted to, and I go a bit crazy trapped at home for more than a day. I know as soon as I could drive, I drove to the liquor store.
This is not a desperate need. I went out today and got groceries. Admittedly, I bought an odd variety. If I go shopping while not hungry, I buy odd things. Frozen soft pretzel bites= great. White bean, spinach, feta burrito= not so good. I have a few other things to try. The goal was to have something at least in case I get stuck here.
I am still hoping to stop drinking. I know my behavior does not match that intent, but alcohol has really fucked up my life. I know I cannot keep living this way. I finally went and filled the prescription for blood pressure medication that was prescribed while I was in the hospital. It is not the medicine for detox, but it would help. So I did fill it. I am trying to be aware of how I am feeling and be willing to get help if needed even if it involves hospitalization.
Random, I was slowly making progress with my gerbil. I got her to take a treat from me (not through the bars) without biting. Then I went to add more bedding. My apartment is cold, and I read they like to burrow, so I wanted to add more bedding. Well, she climbed up on the door of the cage, and somehow in the whole event fell from there to the floor. It took a couple attempts to catch her. My cat was more disturbed than interested in catching her. I actually managed to pick her up because she bit and latched onto my finger. Whatever.. I got her back in the cage.
Is it weird that I judge my value as a human being by my ability to care for a rodent? and two felines. Pets in general. In the same way (to a much less extent) my video games reflect who I am. Every outside thing tells me who I am inside. That's the only way I can figure it out.
I did learn a lesson about making sure the gerbil is nowhere near the door of the cage. She is obsessed with escaping, and it is not in her best interest to be free in the apartment. The cage will be guarded. She will get treats (almonds and apple chips I don't think she likes) and I will try to find things to keep her entertained. If I am making this a metaphor for my life, I will not give up. I will try to figure out what is best.
Today I will be happy that while I am drunk, I am safely home in my apartment. While there were some issues, my dear gerbil is back in her cage and seems happy. Everything seems ok, and that is good enough.
On top of that, weather is looking to be bad tonight. Compared to some people reading this, weather here is nothing compared to yours. The problem is in Texas, USA, we have no snow plows, we don't really salt the roads, we don't do snow tires or chains or any sort of adaptation for winter. So tonight and tomorrow is supposed to be freezing rain/ice, which means the roads will be awful/dangerous. But the temperature won't get below 28 F
I was planning to go to my parents house tomorrow for dinner, but I really hate driving on icy roads. Annoying because I want to do laundry at my parents house because it doesn't require me getting money. Also, generally this sort of weather makes me a bit crazy. Last winter, there were a few days where that I couldn't move my car. There was enough ice around the tires that I could not move it if I wanted to, and I go a bit crazy trapped at home for more than a day. I know as soon as I could drive, I drove to the liquor store.
This is not a desperate need. I went out today and got groceries. Admittedly, I bought an odd variety. If I go shopping while not hungry, I buy odd things. Frozen soft pretzel bites= great. White bean, spinach, feta burrito= not so good. I have a few other things to try. The goal was to have something at least in case I get stuck here.
I am still hoping to stop drinking. I know my behavior does not match that intent, but alcohol has really fucked up my life. I know I cannot keep living this way. I finally went and filled the prescription for blood pressure medication that was prescribed while I was in the hospital. It is not the medicine for detox, but it would help. So I did fill it. I am trying to be aware of how I am feeling and be willing to get help if needed even if it involves hospitalization.
Random, I was slowly making progress with my gerbil. I got her to take a treat from me (not through the bars) without biting. Then I went to add more bedding. My apartment is cold, and I read they like to burrow, so I wanted to add more bedding. Well, she climbed up on the door of the cage, and somehow in the whole event fell from there to the floor. It took a couple attempts to catch her. My cat was more disturbed than interested in catching her. I actually managed to pick her up because she bit and latched onto my finger. Whatever.. I got her back in the cage.
Is it weird that I judge my value as a human being by my ability to care for a rodent? and two felines. Pets in general. In the same way (to a much less extent) my video games reflect who I am. Every outside thing tells me who I am inside. That's the only way I can figure it out.
I did learn a lesson about making sure the gerbil is nowhere near the door of the cage. She is obsessed with escaping, and it is not in her best interest to be free in the apartment. The cage will be guarded. She will get treats (almonds and apple chips I don't think she likes) and I will try to find things to keep her entertained. If I am making this a metaphor for my life, I will not give up. I will try to figure out what is best.
Today I will be happy that while I am drunk, I am safely home in my apartment. While there were some issues, my dear gerbil is back in her cage and seems happy. Everything seems ok, and that is good enough.
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Judgmental friends
Over the past year or so, my list of friends has dwindled to only a very few that I actually ever see. I think alcohol plays a large role in this because I generally prefer to spend my evenings drinking alone. Anything that interferes with that makes me anxious or irritated. For a long time, I saw two of my friends (and their son) weekly, but that hasn't been happening as often.
Some of this is that I go to AA so much or I get wrapped up with school, and I just don't have the energy to interact with people. This friend I have known for at least a decade and her husband for 6 years or so. She has watched me through every addiction. She was there in high school when the self harm started. She was there in college when the bulimia started. She was there when the alcoholism started. She's seen me go in and out of treatment and hospitals.
The thing is that she still doesn't understand the reality of this. Sometime last year, I had asked to stay at their house for a few days to stop drinking. She started asking me about going to treatment. She was talking about going somewhere longer term.. not just a couple weeks. She's brought it up periodically since then. I was there Christmas Eve, and I was admittedly shaking.. I had drank one or two days since leaving the hospital, which is a LOT less than I had before. I really was just unsteady in general because of stress. Anyway, she and her husband would ask how I was doing. She does it with this facial expression that looks like pity or something. It makes me think of how people look at children. I was trying to say that I had been doing better. That things were ok because things really were going better. I also just really didn't want to talk about it. I really feel judged when I talk to them. I get that I have been very, very sick, but I don't think they see any progress.
Sometime she asked about grad school and if I was considering long term treatment after graduation. She does NOT understand the financial problems involved. I owe a few thousand dollars to a couple hospitals already. If I graduate and go to treatment
1. I would not be working to pay rent
2. I would not be working to have health insurance
3. I would not have any way to pay for treatment
She mentioned someone she worked with (I think that's who it was) going for several months to a treatment center. It was one of the treatment centers that doesn't take insurance. She does not understand the tens of thousands of dollars that costs.
Another friend I ate lunch with Saturday. She was asking about how things are. I couldn't even make eye contact. I hate when people ask if they could help because I know they can't. I hate that searching look when people try to figure out if I'm lying. She asked if I was considering going to rehab, and I just don't have time to go now. Even if I could afford it.
Really, I hate these questions because even I don't know what the fuck I should be doing. I am scared. I would absolutely love to be able to stop my life and go away somewhere. I would love to have someone else in control. I would love to have the money to go to a nice treatment center and not worry about insurance giving out. I would love to do what my friends are asking. It just isn't possible. On the 12th school starts again and I start working.
I am so tired. I am purging more and more. Today I didn't eat until almost 8pm, so my stomach is upset. I had planned to drink, but I've only had a few shots because I feel sick.
I went to 2 AA meetings today. I do wonder why I go. The meeting at 6 my mind was having this argument because I desperately wanted to drink but I also desperately did not want to eat anything. (the story at the end might help explain why I didn't feel like eating). The chairperson was a guy I really don't like, but he was nice today. He asked quietly if I wanted to share rather than just calling on me. He always calls on me. I think he thinks I can't speak because I never talk at the meetings he chairs. He's also been an asshole in other ways. I left and got vodka and got dinner, but I think made a poor choice about where to go. Yesterday, I went to a freaking buffet to binge at lunch time. I also purged my actual lunch.
I hate my life. I really do. I've been feeling a bit suicidal today. Driving I would think about swerving into oncoming traffic. I have this obsession with feeling the veins in my arms. Wondering how far below the skin they are. I am not going to do something, but the thoughts are there.
*trigger warning/ gross story*
I guess I did get sick last night. Not entirely sure how much I drank, but I apparently vomited on the floor of my bedroom, so I got to try to clean that up today. My apartment is in such terrible shape, and I don't even know where to start on cleaning. I honestly think I drink sometimes to feel better about that.
Some of this is that I go to AA so much or I get wrapped up with school, and I just don't have the energy to interact with people. This friend I have known for at least a decade and her husband for 6 years or so. She has watched me through every addiction. She was there in high school when the self harm started. She was there in college when the bulimia started. She was there when the alcoholism started. She's seen me go in and out of treatment and hospitals.
The thing is that she still doesn't understand the reality of this. Sometime last year, I had asked to stay at their house for a few days to stop drinking. She started asking me about going to treatment. She was talking about going somewhere longer term.. not just a couple weeks. She's brought it up periodically since then. I was there Christmas Eve, and I was admittedly shaking.. I had drank one or two days since leaving the hospital, which is a LOT less than I had before. I really was just unsteady in general because of stress. Anyway, she and her husband would ask how I was doing. She does it with this facial expression that looks like pity or something. It makes me think of how people look at children. I was trying to say that I had been doing better. That things were ok because things really were going better. I also just really didn't want to talk about it. I really feel judged when I talk to them. I get that I have been very, very sick, but I don't think they see any progress.
Sometime she asked about grad school and if I was considering long term treatment after graduation. She does NOT understand the financial problems involved. I owe a few thousand dollars to a couple hospitals already. If I graduate and go to treatment
1. I would not be working to pay rent
2. I would not be working to have health insurance
3. I would not have any way to pay for treatment
She mentioned someone she worked with (I think that's who it was) going for several months to a treatment center. It was one of the treatment centers that doesn't take insurance. She does not understand the tens of thousands of dollars that costs.
Another friend I ate lunch with Saturday. She was asking about how things are. I couldn't even make eye contact. I hate when people ask if they could help because I know they can't. I hate that searching look when people try to figure out if I'm lying. She asked if I was considering going to rehab, and I just don't have time to go now. Even if I could afford it.
Really, I hate these questions because even I don't know what the fuck I should be doing. I am scared. I would absolutely love to be able to stop my life and go away somewhere. I would love to have someone else in control. I would love to have the money to go to a nice treatment center and not worry about insurance giving out. I would love to do what my friends are asking. It just isn't possible. On the 12th school starts again and I start working.
I am so tired. I am purging more and more. Today I didn't eat until almost 8pm, so my stomach is upset. I had planned to drink, but I've only had a few shots because I feel sick.
I went to 2 AA meetings today. I do wonder why I go. The meeting at 6 my mind was having this argument because I desperately wanted to drink but I also desperately did not want to eat anything. (the story at the end might help explain why I didn't feel like eating). The chairperson was a guy I really don't like, but he was nice today. He asked quietly if I wanted to share rather than just calling on me. He always calls on me. I think he thinks I can't speak because I never talk at the meetings he chairs. He's also been an asshole in other ways. I left and got vodka and got dinner, but I think made a poor choice about where to go. Yesterday, I went to a freaking buffet to binge at lunch time. I also purged my actual lunch.
I hate my life. I really do. I've been feeling a bit suicidal today. Driving I would think about swerving into oncoming traffic. I have this obsession with feeling the veins in my arms. Wondering how far below the skin they are. I am not going to do something, but the thoughts are there.
*trigger warning/ gross story*
I guess I did get sick last night. Not entirely sure how much I drank, but I apparently vomited on the floor of my bedroom, so I got to try to clean that up today. My apartment is in such terrible shape, and I don't even know where to start on cleaning. I honestly think I drink sometimes to feel better about that.
Friday, December 26, 2014
3 days of Christmas
Don't know about 12 days of Christmas, but I had to manage 3 in a row this year. Christmas Eve was presents with friends and then church. Christmas day was AA and then baking with my mom. The 26th was actual gifts, dinner, and a bit of shopping with family.
I have not been real enthusiastic about seeing anyone lately. Between my attempts at sobriety and my relapse with bulimia, I would love to be left alone. It would also be bad to be left alone. I would still love it.
On December 23rd, I relapsed with drinking. I went through most of a bottle of vodka. I think I blacked out... not real sure. I did go to AA at noon, but then I did a bit of Christmas shopping and went to the liquor store. I did enjoy it, but the next day I regretted it. I had planned this relapse so that if I got rid of the vodka after finishing for the night, I'd be at church too late on christmas eve to buy more, and Christmas liquor stores are closed. I didn't finish the bottle, but I didn't drink the next day.
So Christmas Eve, I was just stressed. I went to AA. Then I needed to exchange presents with my friends and their 2 year old son. I also needed to make food for a church potluck. I was not really sure about the potluck, but I felt I should go. Last year I was in rehab over christmas. The year before.. I remember being late. I don't remember if it was that day or good friday I went outside and started crying before i managed to pull myself together enough to eat.
Well, I was running late with traffic. I stopped to buy ingredients for the fruit salad I was making plus a bowl to mix it in because I forgot to bring one. This day is part of the nativity fast for my church, so the meal is no meat or dairy, which is why I picked fruit. Well, I get to their house and in gathering bags from my car, I drop the bag with the glass bowl in it. I oddly enough have another bowl in the trunk of my car from some occasion or another. There son was throwing a tantrum, so I was in the kitchen for a while before we could do presents. My hands were shaking some, but they hadn't been earlier and they were ok after this, so I don't know if it was alcohol.
Presents were exchanged. I got a cool tshirt. They got some measuring cups and practical stuff. Their son I gave a tricycle. I had meant to buy it for his birthday, but that was while I was unemployed. They liked that. He liked the measuring cups, but I'm sure he'll like the tricycle once assembled.
I survived the potluck. I waited until most people had gone to get food. I was a little uncomfortable because some families had brought wine. The normal Christmas eve liturgy was at 7. Then at around 10, there was a 2nd service. Only about 8 of us stayed for it. I was a little uncomfortable with that few people and with sharing a music stand and books (switching back and forth between 4 booklets) with someone. I declined holding a candle in case my hands would shake. Last Good Friday, the woman sharing the music with me had to hold it because my hands were shaking so badly. It ended up being good. Didn't get home until after midnight.
Christmas day, my sponsor convinced me to help heat up and transfer food to AA for the potluck sort of lunch there. It was frustrating because 1. I was supposed to pick up one woman and sat waiting in my car for over 10 minutes until she was ready 2. The other woman who was supposed to come was around an hour late and 3. my sponsor's boyfriend Kenny was there. He enjoys questioning me and making me talk because I was so quiet for so long. It makes me really uncomfortable at times. He's not inappropriate. I just don't like talking around some people. We managed to get everything ready. I went to the noon meeting and quickly left before the food was served at 1. I had mentioned this to my sponsor (she knows about the ED) but Kenny kind of commented on it. I just said I had to go and gave him a hug when he asked.
The day at my parent's house was ok. There was some drama over not having all the ingredients for one recipe and nowhere being open on Christmas. It all settled eventually. I woke up on the 26th and when my brother got their we opened gifts. I got some nice things. Also got a gift card because one thing I want is a new laptop. I am paying for a portion of it, plus they didn't want to pick for me, so I got a gift card.
After that, my mom and I went searching for another Christmas tree. A small one to add to what they have. We found that, and I had also been talking about buying a gerbil. Well, originally I wanted a rat, but I guess you're usually supposed to have a pair or a lot of free time. Plus, I'd need a new/bigger cage. I didn't want a hamster because the big ones are not that cute, and the dwarf ones are mean. Like enjoy the taste of human flesh mean (my mom had one and then a pair of another kind later). So I wanted a gerbil. My mom still had the hamster cage since her last one died (old age), so I just needed food, bedding, and the gerbil. We looked at 1 pet store, but I didn't like the ones there very much. I also kinda wanted a female (if you've seen male hamsters you'd understand why visually females are preferable). We went to a 2nd store, and I picked one out.
I took her home and set up the cage and put her in. I tried feeding her part of a carrot later, and she bit me pretty hard. For now, I am not picking her up until she is less stressed. She has a nice cage, bedding, food, plus the carrot piece I dropped and a piece of graham cracker I dropped in after the rid home.
So I survived 3 days of friends, strangers, and family. I am drinking tonight, so maybe not survived well. I was stressed in part because I didn't leave my parent's house until after 10. I also looked at the weather forecast and I am supposed to have a wedding to go to tomorrow, and it is also supposed to rain. The front tires on my car are awful and need to be replaced. I made an appointment to go tomorrow.
I found the photo of what happened with the car. Since then, the plastic part that is actually touching the tire was cut off, but the metal is still maybe an inch from the tire. That is why going makes me anxious. It doesn't seem to hurt the tire. Both sides are equally bad (only one is messed up). It's just making sure they believe this. I mean.. this happened 7 months ago (looked at date on the email to my dad).
So I am drinking. I hate my car. I am hoping the gerbil chills out.. but not expecting that to be instant considering she now lives with 2 cats that cannot reach the cage, but she can hear.
So a couple bad photos. My phone camera is being weird, and she doesn't stand still.The cage is on one of my bookshelves with protective books beside it so even if my cat could reach the top shelves, he has no place to jump. I think her name is Stormy. Both her and Odd would then be named after the same series of books (Odd Thomas by Dean Koontz)
I have not been real enthusiastic about seeing anyone lately. Between my attempts at sobriety and my relapse with bulimia, I would love to be left alone. It would also be bad to be left alone. I would still love it.
On December 23rd, I relapsed with drinking. I went through most of a bottle of vodka. I think I blacked out... not real sure. I did go to AA at noon, but then I did a bit of Christmas shopping and went to the liquor store. I did enjoy it, but the next day I regretted it. I had planned this relapse so that if I got rid of the vodka after finishing for the night, I'd be at church too late on christmas eve to buy more, and Christmas liquor stores are closed. I didn't finish the bottle, but I didn't drink the next day.
So Christmas Eve, I was just stressed. I went to AA. Then I needed to exchange presents with my friends and their 2 year old son. I also needed to make food for a church potluck. I was not really sure about the potluck, but I felt I should go. Last year I was in rehab over christmas. The year before.. I remember being late. I don't remember if it was that day or good friday I went outside and started crying before i managed to pull myself together enough to eat.
Well, I was running late with traffic. I stopped to buy ingredients for the fruit salad I was making plus a bowl to mix it in because I forgot to bring one. This day is part of the nativity fast for my church, so the meal is no meat or dairy, which is why I picked fruit. Well, I get to their house and in gathering bags from my car, I drop the bag with the glass bowl in it. I oddly enough have another bowl in the trunk of my car from some occasion or another. There son was throwing a tantrum, so I was in the kitchen for a while before we could do presents. My hands were shaking some, but they hadn't been earlier and they were ok after this, so I don't know if it was alcohol.
Presents were exchanged. I got a cool tshirt. They got some measuring cups and practical stuff. Their son I gave a tricycle. I had meant to buy it for his birthday, but that was while I was unemployed. They liked that. He liked the measuring cups, but I'm sure he'll like the tricycle once assembled.
I survived the potluck. I waited until most people had gone to get food. I was a little uncomfortable because some families had brought wine. The normal Christmas eve liturgy was at 7. Then at around 10, there was a 2nd service. Only about 8 of us stayed for it. I was a little uncomfortable with that few people and with sharing a music stand and books (switching back and forth between 4 booklets) with someone. I declined holding a candle in case my hands would shake. Last Good Friday, the woman sharing the music with me had to hold it because my hands were shaking so badly. It ended up being good. Didn't get home until after midnight.
Christmas day, my sponsor convinced me to help heat up and transfer food to AA for the potluck sort of lunch there. It was frustrating because 1. I was supposed to pick up one woman and sat waiting in my car for over 10 minutes until she was ready 2. The other woman who was supposed to come was around an hour late and 3. my sponsor's boyfriend Kenny was there. He enjoys questioning me and making me talk because I was so quiet for so long. It makes me really uncomfortable at times. He's not inappropriate. I just don't like talking around some people. We managed to get everything ready. I went to the noon meeting and quickly left before the food was served at 1. I had mentioned this to my sponsor (she knows about the ED) but Kenny kind of commented on it. I just said I had to go and gave him a hug when he asked.
The day at my parent's house was ok. There was some drama over not having all the ingredients for one recipe and nowhere being open on Christmas. It all settled eventually. I woke up on the 26th and when my brother got their we opened gifts. I got some nice things. Also got a gift card because one thing I want is a new laptop. I am paying for a portion of it, plus they didn't want to pick for me, so I got a gift card.
After that, my mom and I went searching for another Christmas tree. A small one to add to what they have. We found that, and I had also been talking about buying a gerbil. Well, originally I wanted a rat, but I guess you're usually supposed to have a pair or a lot of free time. Plus, I'd need a new/bigger cage. I didn't want a hamster because the big ones are not that cute, and the dwarf ones are mean. Like enjoy the taste of human flesh mean (my mom had one and then a pair of another kind later). So I wanted a gerbil. My mom still had the hamster cage since her last one died (old age), so I just needed food, bedding, and the gerbil. We looked at 1 pet store, but I didn't like the ones there very much. I also kinda wanted a female (if you've seen male hamsters you'd understand why visually females are preferable). We went to a 2nd store, and I picked one out.
I took her home and set up the cage and put her in. I tried feeding her part of a carrot later, and she bit me pretty hard. For now, I am not picking her up until she is less stressed. She has a nice cage, bedding, food, plus the carrot piece I dropped and a piece of graham cracker I dropped in after the rid home.
So I survived 3 days of friends, strangers, and family. I am drinking tonight, so maybe not survived well. I was stressed in part because I didn't leave my parent's house until after 10. I also looked at the weather forecast and I am supposed to have a wedding to go to tomorrow, and it is also supposed to rain. The front tires on my car are awful and need to be replaced. I made an appointment to go tomorrow.
So I am drinking. I hate my car. I am hoping the gerbil chills out.. but not expecting that to be instant considering she now lives with 2 cats that cannot reach the cage, but she can hear.
So a couple bad photos. My phone camera is being weird, and she doesn't stand still.The cage is on one of my bookshelves with protective books beside it so even if my cat could reach the top shelves, he has no place to jump. I think her name is Stormy. Both her and Odd would then be named after the same series of books (Odd Thomas by Dean Koontz)
Monday, December 22, 2014
Bulimia strikes again *trigger warning*
Things are definitely going downhill. 2 weeks sober from alcohol, but otherwise I'm a mess. This is probably all going to be very triggering because I feel like being honest
After the whole self harm discussion (see last post), I went home and ended up with cuts (shallow/small) all the way from my knee to the top of my thigh.. I stopped counting at some point. Saturday I stayed with my parents, but I have a nice bruise on my arm that was self inflicted. I then bought fresher blades on my way home Sunday. So clearly, that's not going well.
Then there's the eating disorder. I did ok Wednesday-Friday. Then Saturday (I think the conversation with Kenny about treatment brought up ED thoughts as well) I had the thought that I could binge and purge. I ended up getting lunch at a fast food restaurant and purging it. Sunday, we went out to dinner for my Dad's birthday at this all you can eat sort of place.. they have a salad bar and then different kinds of roasted meat and dessert. Well.. my mom decided to get dessert there and so did my brother, so I got some. Then there was also birthday cake at home. So I was painfully full when I left. I stopped at a grocery store and purged because I couldn't stand the 45 minute drive home like that.
Now today.. I did not want to get up this morning. I was tired. I dragged myself out of bed and showered but not in enough time to stop for a proper lunch (or make one) before the noon meeting. I got a piece of pizza and a soda at a gas station (weird gas station that also has a sort of kitchen that sells random stuff). I decided since I didn't really eat "lunch" I could eat after the meeting and purge. The meeting ended and the nightmare began.
I stopped and got a cheeseburger, a chicken sandwich, and fries at one fast food restaurant. Purged there (and the toilet didn't flush right so rushed out to avoid being caught). Stopped at a 2nd place and got chicken fingers, fries, and ice cream. Went shopping after and purged at the store. Then ate at a 4th restaurant and purged there.
After that, I went to my sponsor's house. We had discussed at the noon meeting that I could go over there.. didn't end up getting there until after 5. She texted around 5:45 to see what I was doing and said she was at the 6pm meeting. I said I really didn't want to go and was having a shitty day. She said that was ok, so I laid around on her couch until she got home and we watched some tv.
She commented when she got there that I looked really tired and asked what was going on. I started to answer and her daughter came in the room, so it wasn't until later that she asked again. I originally just gave the vague answer "eating disorder stuff" but then admitted to going to 3 places. We talked a little about how I was basically switching addictions, which I know is true. I don't remember what else we talked about but not much about the bulimia after that.
Then, being the brilliant person I am, I left her house around 10 and went and got more food and purged again at home. I have it in my head to go to an all you can eat buffet for lunch tomorrow (and you can see where that leads). I'm also considering going to the liquor store. I'm wondering if drinking was better than the bulimia at least. The bulimia mostly stopped when the drinking got bad because I needed food in my stomach to drink and purging liquor seemed wasteful (like wasting food is ok though?).
Oh and the check engine warning light came on in my car earlier. So I get to figure that out tomorrow. Hopefully not a big problem (could just be a sensor)
I am so tired, and this week is going to be exhausting. Church on Christmas Eve. Told my mom I'd come over christmas day to bake cookies and spend the night. The 26th we're doing dinner and presents since my brother works Christmas. The 27th I am going to a wedding. I am not sure I can manage all this. Kinda wish I was back in the hospital or in rehab like last year. That would be so much simpler than all this.
After the whole self harm discussion (see last post), I went home and ended up with cuts (shallow/small) all the way from my knee to the top of my thigh.. I stopped counting at some point. Saturday I stayed with my parents, but I have a nice bruise on my arm that was self inflicted. I then bought fresher blades on my way home Sunday. So clearly, that's not going well.
Then there's the eating disorder. I did ok Wednesday-Friday. Then Saturday (I think the conversation with Kenny about treatment brought up ED thoughts as well) I had the thought that I could binge and purge. I ended up getting lunch at a fast food restaurant and purging it. Sunday, we went out to dinner for my Dad's birthday at this all you can eat sort of place.. they have a salad bar and then different kinds of roasted meat and dessert. Well.. my mom decided to get dessert there and so did my brother, so I got some. Then there was also birthday cake at home. So I was painfully full when I left. I stopped at a grocery store and purged because I couldn't stand the 45 minute drive home like that.
Now today.. I did not want to get up this morning. I was tired. I dragged myself out of bed and showered but not in enough time to stop for a proper lunch (or make one) before the noon meeting. I got a piece of pizza and a soda at a gas station (weird gas station that also has a sort of kitchen that sells random stuff). I decided since I didn't really eat "lunch" I could eat after the meeting and purge. The meeting ended and the nightmare began.
I stopped and got a cheeseburger, a chicken sandwich, and fries at one fast food restaurant. Purged there (and the toilet didn't flush right so rushed out to avoid being caught). Stopped at a 2nd place and got chicken fingers, fries, and ice cream. Went shopping after and purged at the store. Then ate at a 4th restaurant and purged there.
After that, I went to my sponsor's house. We had discussed at the noon meeting that I could go over there.. didn't end up getting there until after 5. She texted around 5:45 to see what I was doing and said she was at the 6pm meeting. I said I really didn't want to go and was having a shitty day. She said that was ok, so I laid around on her couch until she got home and we watched some tv.
She commented when she got there that I looked really tired and asked what was going on. I started to answer and her daughter came in the room, so it wasn't until later that she asked again. I originally just gave the vague answer "eating disorder stuff" but then admitted to going to 3 places. We talked a little about how I was basically switching addictions, which I know is true. I don't remember what else we talked about but not much about the bulimia after that.
Then, being the brilliant person I am, I left her house around 10 and went and got more food and purged again at home. I have it in my head to go to an all you can eat buffet for lunch tomorrow (and you can see where that leads). I'm also considering going to the liquor store. I'm wondering if drinking was better than the bulimia at least. The bulimia mostly stopped when the drinking got bad because I needed food in my stomach to drink and purging liquor seemed wasteful (like wasting food is ok though?).
Oh and the check engine warning light came on in my car earlier. So I get to figure that out tomorrow. Hopefully not a big problem (could just be a sensor)
I am so tired, and this week is going to be exhausting. Church on Christmas Eve. Told my mom I'd come over christmas day to bake cookies and spend the night. The 26th we're doing dinner and presents since my brother works Christmas. The 27th I am going to a wedding. I am not sure I can manage all this. Kinda wish I was back in the hospital or in rehab like last year. That would be so much simpler than all this.
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