So work today was absolute hell. Things have been getting worse lately for a variety of reasons (some related to the actual work and some to the people).
I will start with the actual work and hope not to lose you with boring details. So since I started in February we have tested for a certain list of medications/drugs, and not really added any (I swear at least one was added without anyone commenting about it but anyway). For a month at least it has been known that things were going to change. They were going to add a significant number of new medications. Most of these are psychiatric medications that doctors may want to test patients for... several I currently take which makes me a tad nervous (seroquel and wellbutrin at the moment) for some reason. Anyway this makes the work a lot more complicated because there's a lot more medications to remember soon.. the machines are acting poorly and producing a lot of false positives which some analysts caught and removed but I was stuck until 1AM fixing mistakes of those who didn't one day.. Also they split up the sets of drugs into different sets that are run separately, and that complicated how they are re-run.. and reruns are the majority of my job and that is the other reason I have been there past midnight 2 days in a row. So that's the work side..
The people side..
Mistakes are a problem.. some people are in training and only kinda responsible for what they do. But some of what I was fixing Tuesday night was people who should know better or should have known to ask the toxicologist in charge. They kept results that were bad or they re-ran results that should just have been thrown out. And then there's the drugs split into separate sets (A B and C) that they have been ordering the wrong set to be rerun. It's not that hard to look carefully at the list. But I am trying to keep this primarily to myself. More will be mentioned in a moment.
Today..
I usually get there before my supervisor. This is annoying. For a while, I was hourly and he was salary, so it bothered me less.. now we're both salaried so I am not being paid any more than he is if he's late.. The day shift supervisor will give me messages to relay to him if he's not there when she leaves, which is why this bugs me. Or she'll tell me everything, and then have to repeat it anyway. Today she tells me that Sunday her shift is going to have to work in the morning because they are unable to work on Saturday because they are doing something to the computer system, and this means our shift will have to work Sunday evening rather than Sunday day... and to tell my supervisor. I say ok and that I normally work the evening anyway. We talk about some other stuff.. I ask questions about exactly what hours and about certain people who only work weekends, so I can give details. Then my supervisor gets there. I then sort of gesture for her to tell him because really I didn't want to have to relay this (I knew this wasn't going to go well). He gets upset.. and goes on about how she's taking his only evening with his family. I don't remember what else.. but basically has a little tantrum (this is not abnormal behavior). She leaves upset. I pick up my work and say I'm taking a desk in another room and go out there. He is all upset and starts crying (honestly). I see the day shift supervisor talking to a few people outside in the break room.. I sit at my desk..
There's some more talking back and forth.. the day supervisor is upset about this because basically he is being an ass to her and it's not her decision (it's our boss's). He's being an ass to everyone at this point actually.
The next drama is that I come across one of those bad results made by someone in training and comment on it to someone else sitting in the hall (outside the analyst room) and she says I should say something. I say I don't want to go back in there is my supervisor is still acting like that. She says she'll go and takes the case. She comes back and says that the trainee doesn't believe that he made the mistake and I need to go tell him. Wtf? I hesitate.. I get up and sit down because I don't do conflict. She decides to go tell someone the situation.. this other woman who is sort of our boss? and also kinda terrifying. Like I was more scared of her when I was hired than anyone else in the company. Anyway, she comes back and says we're having a meeting about respect. So I get dragged into the analyst room with everyone, and she tells everyone how those that are newer need to respect those that have been there longer and how different people including her or our supervisor or me or anyone may tell them about mistakes and they need to be respectful and make eye contact and listen. She then pulls my supervisor aside to talk about something and he has to pull aside another analyst who is a total bitch.. and I don't know what else because I go back to my desk and work.
And the conclusion about work being more complicated is that we should intentionally leave some unfinished to prove to the big bosses that it can't be finished as quickly as they want right now with the changes to the protocols. They also decided we should have a meeting with day and night shift tomorrow, which is normally my day off.. so I get to go in for that. Basically about how we all need to get along. Everyone else left before midnight again and left whatever work they left.. I was there until 12:30 again.. people who work overnight in the lab asked why I was still there again.. I told one the full story about the drama.. and another that I was going home soon. And just basically that with tomorrow (today actually now) being my day off I wanted to leave less work. I'm mainly afraid of either 1. them calling me wanting me to come to work since I'm available to come to the meeting or 2. Friday being absolute hell because I wasn't there.. they always bitch when I'm gone a day.
I will say.. I feel better about myself based on their responses.. I like the "why are you still here?" and the recognition that I'm the only one left.. or at 1am offering to walk me to my car since it's so late. At least I get recognition. I casually mentioned to the day supervisor going home at 1. She asked why we went home so late, and I said it was me. They went home around midnight and I just wanted to finish another plate.. she finally said she should designate someone in her shift to do reruns, and it was the sanest thing I heard today..
Oh and because I worked past midnight, I haven't purged in 2 days. So that's good. Before that, I had been binging/purging nightly. Going to the store at 11pm and binging until 1 or 2am and then going to bed at 3 or 4.. obviously haven't started going to bed earlier, but I haven't binged or purged
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Pizza and more work insanity
So the first thing is that my sponsor called me yesterday. I was out shopping. Sam's club (which is a sort of wholesale-ish store that sells things for discounts in large quantities for those who don't have them) buying a pillow.. which is kind of odd, but they had these memory foam pillows that are normally $50 for $20. Anyway, she called me, and I had to call her back after I left because I didn't have good signal. She said it was just to say hi.. which basically translates to because I haven't called in over a week and generally that means something is not going well. We talked about shopping for a bit, and then I talked about work and in sort of veiled terms about the eating disorder. For some reason, I cannot just flat out say to her that I've been binging and purging. Mainly I hate saying the word binging.. I don't know why exactly. I think it's because in the past I've had non-eating disordered people ask dumb questions when they knew I was bulimic.. or even professionals want to know what I was binging on. I have had a psychiatrist ask that and a dietitian, and that's an upsetting question for some reason.. but mainly I feel judged more for binging than for restricting or not eating or any other behavior. So basically I said I've been getting off work and buying food in large amounts, which implies the rest of the behaviors since she knows I'm bulimic. Actually, I worry that she just thinks I'm binging but not purging since I've gained some weight and feel incredibly fat, but I have a feeling that's just in my head. I'm back down to 146 today from almost 149 yesterday, so who knows.. I did tell her though. I did explain what's been going on at work with my boss, so all that is good. Honesty is good, right?
Yesterday was not a great day. I was in a bad mood to begin with. My depression has been worse lately, and I couldn't sleep Monday night/Tuesday morning (I went to bed at 2am). I got up at 3 and ate a bagel and some tortilla chips, which meant I spent the day feeling guilty about eating all of that. I was determined not to eat anything else. Then the actual boss at work (the one above my supervisor) decided to order pizzas for everyone who works nights, and I immediately start feeling worse. They didn't get there until an hour or two later.. 9 pizzas since a lot of people actually work there in various departments. I got to watch as everyone who works with me went and got some. Then I was sitting in the room next to the break room, so I could hear/see through the door as everyone else got some. I felt like crying. Pizza is a binge food for me.. pretty much exclusively a binge food anymore. I was scared to eat it and embarrassed to eat it.
An hour or so later (can you tell I have trouble keeping track of time when I'm anxious?) I had nothing to do and was waiting for something to do.. so just sitting. I kept thinking about the damn pizza. I decided to go move my car to a different parking spot because I was parked on the street not in the lot because it was full when I got there. I come back in, and I stand looking at the pizza (I had stared at it in the break room at least two other times). I decide to get a piece. I enter the calories for 2 pieces into the FitBit app, but I can only manage to put one on a plate. I debate eating it in the break room which is empty but where anyone can walk in at any moment and see me or take it back to my desk where there is another analyst in the room but a door blocking the view from other random people walking by. I do that. I immediately want to purge but am afraid someone would hear if I use the bathroom. I honestly think about going outside and doing it but am afraid of getting it on my clothes or someone seeing me, which would probably be worse than someone hearing me in the bathroom.. so I don't do it. I just feel guilty. Later I have the 2nd piece. Basically because of this, I decide to say fuck it and go buy binge food after work.. and it's after midnight when I get home so I am exhausted but binge anyway.
So yeah.. there's frequently food at work, but it's so much easier when it's something disgusting looking or it's been sitting out all day.
Oh and the other work thing is the daytime supervisor has decided she wants to start changing everyone's schedules.. basically so her people can get an occasional weekend off. It's really dumb actually because she doesn't even usually come in weekends, and there are people who only work weekends, so weekends have people. It gets complicated because some evening people (like me) have certain days they need off.. I need Thursdays for therapy.. they know I need Thursdays off but not why. I was hired with the agreement that I could have this. I always work Sundays. I have no problem working some Saturdays.. she is making this too fucking complicated. I finally when everyone was gone told the evening supervisor why I have Thursdays off because I didn't want to say it in front of everyone, but I need someone to understand it's necessary. My therapist only works certain days and her schedule is always full, so I would need to know weeks in advance if they were changing my days off. He's fine with it.. but I didn't want to be asked in front of everyone what I do on Thursdays, which I have been afraid would happen. Supposedly, today we are going to get a better idea what's going on.
Yesterday was not a great day. I was in a bad mood to begin with. My depression has been worse lately, and I couldn't sleep Monday night/Tuesday morning (I went to bed at 2am). I got up at 3 and ate a bagel and some tortilla chips, which meant I spent the day feeling guilty about eating all of that. I was determined not to eat anything else. Then the actual boss at work (the one above my supervisor) decided to order pizzas for everyone who works nights, and I immediately start feeling worse. They didn't get there until an hour or two later.. 9 pizzas since a lot of people actually work there in various departments. I got to watch as everyone who works with me went and got some. Then I was sitting in the room next to the break room, so I could hear/see through the door as everyone else got some. I felt like crying. Pizza is a binge food for me.. pretty much exclusively a binge food anymore. I was scared to eat it and embarrassed to eat it.
An hour or so later (can you tell I have trouble keeping track of time when I'm anxious?) I had nothing to do and was waiting for something to do.. so just sitting. I kept thinking about the damn pizza. I decided to go move my car to a different parking spot because I was parked on the street not in the lot because it was full when I got there. I come back in, and I stand looking at the pizza (I had stared at it in the break room at least two other times). I decide to get a piece. I enter the calories for 2 pieces into the FitBit app, but I can only manage to put one on a plate. I debate eating it in the break room which is empty but where anyone can walk in at any moment and see me or take it back to my desk where there is another analyst in the room but a door blocking the view from other random people walking by. I do that. I immediately want to purge but am afraid someone would hear if I use the bathroom. I honestly think about going outside and doing it but am afraid of getting it on my clothes or someone seeing me, which would probably be worse than someone hearing me in the bathroom.. so I don't do it. I just feel guilty. Later I have the 2nd piece. Basically because of this, I decide to say fuck it and go buy binge food after work.. and it's after midnight when I get home so I am exhausted but binge anyway.
So yeah.. there's frequently food at work, but it's so much easier when it's something disgusting looking or it's been sitting out all day.
Oh and the other work thing is the daytime supervisor has decided she wants to start changing everyone's schedules.. basically so her people can get an occasional weekend off. It's really dumb actually because she doesn't even usually come in weekends, and there are people who only work weekends, so weekends have people. It gets complicated because some evening people (like me) have certain days they need off.. I need Thursdays for therapy.. they know I need Thursdays off but not why. I was hired with the agreement that I could have this. I always work Sundays. I have no problem working some Saturdays.. she is making this too fucking complicated. I finally when everyone was gone told the evening supervisor why I have Thursdays off because I didn't want to say it in front of everyone, but I need someone to understand it's necessary. My therapist only works certain days and her schedule is always full, so I would need to know weeks in advance if they were changing my days off. He's fine with it.. but I didn't want to be asked in front of everyone what I do on Thursdays, which I have been afraid would happen. Supposedly, today we are going to get a better idea what's going on.
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
So tired
This won't be long because I'm typing on my phone while in bed because heaven forbid I just go to sleep... Which is pretty on topic.
I'm doing quite poorly I guess. I told everyone in a meeting Saturday how I was doing better at work at accepting my coworkers and handling situations and mistakes. I'm trying to take responsibility for myself and my own work. Almost immediately after I spoke I realized that maybe I'm not accepting things. Maybe it's all coming out through the eating disorder.
My anxiety level at work is still quite high and I now blame myself for things not getting done. I've been working until 11pm or at least once after midnight, and then every night for over a week rather than going home I have been going to the grocery store for binge food. Then I come home and binge and purge until around 1am and probably not go to bed until after 2.
I'm wasting a ton of money on food.. I guess probably $15-20 a day, which is bad. I'm sleeping until almost noon which means I am getting no writing done for school which now has me really scared about that. I haven't called or texted my sponsor recently or anyone, and nobody knows about this. Oh and I gained like 5lbs which also has me wanting to do crazy shit.
And I'm tired. My boss gave me some work at around 10pm and around 10:30 another analyst was leaving and said she felt bad I was stuck there. My boss said I always stay to do things and some comment (i was ignoring him) that seemed to be about me not sleeping. She left and I just said "I'm tired" to him because I am fucking sick of him leaving me there working and going home. He tried to do it, but I finished before he left. Sunday he left at 6:45 and left me with a trainee. I didn't get to leave until almost 9 because I had to help train the new guy and couldn't leave him there when I was done with my work.
So yeah... Tired.
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Irrational thinking and random updates **TW**
So it's been a few weeks since I wrote anything here. Time got away from me. I've been working more the past couple weeks, and my sleep schedule has gotten weird.. and just generally I'm not getting a lot done. So some of this will be scattered updates, but there's one main thing I wanted to talk about because it's been on my mind a couple days now.
So I have been in an eating disorder relapse for months. Behaviors have varied between restricting and binging and purging and some exercise mixed in. Some of it is clearly a matter of coping with stress and emotions. I used alcohol for that, and when I stopped drinking, I did that by binging and purging. There is also a part that is about weight.. or at least that's one of my focuses.
I had this conversation with my therapist a few weeks ago.. and I feel bad for thinking she's an idiot (yes I thought that) because of some questions she asked.. one was basically why I didn't just eat 3 meals and snacks (or something like that) everyday. I thought for a minute to try to come up with an answer other than I just don't want to.. which I thought should be obvious. She doesn't seem to understand that I am not as interested in recovery as she wants me to be. Anyway, at some point the question came up about me owning a scale. I said I had one. She asked why. Really? What did she think the answer would be? Anyway.. that's not the topic I wanted to bring up.. it was just annoying
So I've been frustrated for at least a month that I'm not losing any weight. At least a month. I've been trying to think of different things to try. I tried exercising (that trailed off after I started working later). I tried various patterns of eating or not eating or living off liquids and pills. Binging/purging was always there but never part of the plan. But basically I was convinced that I would maybe lose weight when I would fast or live off liquids, but that I was gaining most of it back when I ate again.. or I was gaining weight when I ate with my parents. All these ideas in my head.
Then I was looking at something with pictures that were taken in early April, and the weight on there was about 15 pounds higher than I was this morning. I was going through the FitBit site tonight obsessing, and specifically, I've lost 13.9 pounds in the last month... that's not what my head has been saying, right? That's not the same as not losing any weight.. and really I should realize my clothes fit different. And there's some visible differences, but I guess staring at the number everyday doesn't make it obvious. But it just made me think of how fucked up my head is. Somehow I had myself thinking my head wasn't that crazy. That I was just acting crazy.. but that my thinking wasn't distorted. I guess I'm wrong. I mean looking at myself I sometimes see a body that is skinnier.. definitely not skinny yet. Other times I look terrible.. I'm currently trying to believe some of the extra weight and some of what I hate is extra skin..
So I don't know.. I took photos which is when I looked at the old ones and found the old weight.
April 6th(ish) 164
May 20th 147
You can tell what I mean about the skin if you look at my arms
And the other random news is that I bought a new car.. entirely unrelated. I think I'll save the story for another update. By new car, I mean it is newer than my old car.. It's a 2006 Hyundai Elantra.. (the old one was a 2001 Neon). It's definitely nicer. I'll write again soon because I need to complain about work, but now I should probably go to bed.
So I have been in an eating disorder relapse for months. Behaviors have varied between restricting and binging and purging and some exercise mixed in. Some of it is clearly a matter of coping with stress and emotions. I used alcohol for that, and when I stopped drinking, I did that by binging and purging. There is also a part that is about weight.. or at least that's one of my focuses.
I had this conversation with my therapist a few weeks ago.. and I feel bad for thinking she's an idiot (yes I thought that) because of some questions she asked.. one was basically why I didn't just eat 3 meals and snacks (or something like that) everyday. I thought for a minute to try to come up with an answer other than I just don't want to.. which I thought should be obvious. She doesn't seem to understand that I am not as interested in recovery as she wants me to be. Anyway, at some point the question came up about me owning a scale. I said I had one. She asked why. Really? What did she think the answer would be? Anyway.. that's not the topic I wanted to bring up.. it was just annoying
So I've been frustrated for at least a month that I'm not losing any weight. At least a month. I've been trying to think of different things to try. I tried exercising (that trailed off after I started working later). I tried various patterns of eating or not eating or living off liquids and pills. Binging/purging was always there but never part of the plan. But basically I was convinced that I would maybe lose weight when I would fast or live off liquids, but that I was gaining most of it back when I ate again.. or I was gaining weight when I ate with my parents. All these ideas in my head.
Then I was looking at something with pictures that were taken in early April, and the weight on there was about 15 pounds higher than I was this morning. I was going through the FitBit site tonight obsessing, and specifically, I've lost 13.9 pounds in the last month... that's not what my head has been saying, right? That's not the same as not losing any weight.. and really I should realize my clothes fit different. And there's some visible differences, but I guess staring at the number everyday doesn't make it obvious. But it just made me think of how fucked up my head is. Somehow I had myself thinking my head wasn't that crazy. That I was just acting crazy.. but that my thinking wasn't distorted. I guess I'm wrong. I mean looking at myself I sometimes see a body that is skinnier.. definitely not skinny yet. Other times I look terrible.. I'm currently trying to believe some of the extra weight and some of what I hate is extra skin..
So I don't know.. I took photos which is when I looked at the old ones and found the old weight.
April 6th(ish) 164
May 20th 147
You can tell what I mean about the skin if you look at my arms
And the other random news is that I bought a new car.. entirely unrelated. I think I'll save the story for another update. By new car, I mean it is newer than my old car.. It's a 2006 Hyundai Elantra.. (the old one was a 2001 Neon). It's definitely nicer. I'll write again soon because I need to complain about work, but now I should probably go to bed.
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Just a rant about work and insanity
So I've had a rough 2 days.. well more than 2 days really. Shit has been going downhill for longer than that. I'm still self destructing. Still overdoing the diet pills. Friday night I was upset and stressed over something and ended up deciding to take 1/2 a trazadone leftover from when I used to take trazadone, and then Saturday I slept until 2pm.. like not waking up repeatedly and going back to sleep. Like I woke up at 2:30 (around then) and was like what the fuck? So yeah, crazy, a bit self destructive, occasionally a bit suicidal, but still alive.
So last night.. I went to AA at noon and then school for a bit. I didn't accomplish a lot. I looked at some articles. I think I had forgotten my usb drive, so I couldn't do a lot? My memory isn't working right now. I went to work at 4. It was an odd day in that there wasn't enough of our usual work, which is just preparing reports to send to doctors. I had a pile of re-runs waiting when I got there, which are cases where tests had to be repeated. This is usually if something shows up like an illegal drug or if a patient is in rehab (and then pretty much any unexpected result could get them kicked out, so we double check more). So I did that, and then there were more to pull.. and some cases to close, and I can't remember what else exactly.
I got off work around 10, and I decided to go to Walmart. I've been doing this a lot.. sometimes with a goal of buying something, sometimes honestly for exercise (crazy much?).. this was both. I decided to buy an alarm clock since clearly my phone isn't good enough. I got the alarm clock. I bought some water. I debated buying some frozen fruit to make smoothies. I have this irrational fear of fruit though sometimes. This is actually quite an old thing. It started when my ED started. The issue is that you look up calories, and unless you can weigh the fruit you have to decide is it a large strawberry or a medium strawberry? I can remember measuring a plum. I debated buying a kitchen scale so I could buy the fruit, and then I decided that I didn't want to spend that much money on something that was just going to make me crazier.. so maybe I could just under-measure. Then I realized I needed something else to go in the smoothies and went to look at yogurt, and then I gave up on the idea of smoothies. This is all because I bought a blender months ago and haven't used it.
I eventually get home around 11 something, and I get inside and there's a letter posted inside my door. Well, apparently I forgot to pay my rent on the 1st. They give us until the 3rd to pay. I've only ever been later than that once in the 4 years I have lived in this apartment, and the last time it was just a note posted outside the door on the clips that are outside the apartments. This was taped inside (meaning they came inside) and was some legal sounding letter about a notice to vacate and right to change the locks.. and I panicked and called my parents. I had plenty of money to pay, I just forgot that the month changed.. my parents say it's fine and probably just meant to sound scary, and they legally can't do that on such short notice. I hang up and go online, and the website lets me pay rent (plus late fees) but that still doesn't mean that everything is ok, and I still needed to go by the office.. which had to wait. It's fine and my parents were right about the letter just being standard. I went by this morning, but that's the reason I was stressed to begin with today.
So I go to work at 3 today, and I'm still stressed. I'm also supposed to go see my advisor at school tomorrow and I don't really have anything written since I last saw her, so not looking forward to that. I get to work and check my email, and there's an email about a weight loss competition going on. I kinda laugh it off.. I actually did think about doing it, but it's based on inches lost, and even if I lose what I want to, I can't lose as much as people that are bigger than me, right? I kinda talk about that with the guy next to me.. and let it go. I start working, and then I get stuck with the girl that's training.. who is nice, but that means I'm training and not just working.. and I miss just working. Then my supervisor decides she should use my computer, and guess what? Sends me to get reruns.
During the various time I'm running around, I run into the human resources person. She asks me if I want to do the weight loss contest. I say no. She asks if I'm sure. I say yes. She says if I change my mind to find her so she can measure me. I'm upset.. probably more than I should be by this. The conversation with the guy next to me seemed to amount to neither of us needed to do this. Her saying this got interpreted as, clearly I'm fat enough that I should be joining this contest. I can't remember if it's at this point.. or if it's the SECOND time she asks me that I almost start crying. Like she stops me again and asks if I'm sure. At this point I really almost start crying. I kinda pace a bit. I grab my headphones from my purse. I ask my supervisor if I can step outside for a bit, and I start to walk outside. I go to walk out the front door.. and a bunch of lab people are out smoking. I think I could walk out to my car, but I'd have to go back and get my keys. I'm trying not to call attention to how upset I am. I just stand inside the entryway and breathe. I finally go back to my desk and put my headphones on and put on music and turn it up loud.. the HR lady comes to talk to my coworkers at some point during this and I have my music on loud enough not to be able to hear anything anyone says. I manage not to cry.
But yeah.. this did not help the crazy. I haven't had solid food since Sunday. I decided to try a liquid diet for a few days.. and this is like under 300 calories worth. Yesterday was about 210 and today ended up being 220. I also kept compulsively checking steps and calories burned on the FitBit as I worked. I mean I am overweight, and she doesn't know I have an eating disorder or that I've already lost over 70 pounds in less than 9 months. She doesn't know that I'm absolutely fucking insane. She doesn't know how I heard that. But I felt ok this morning because I can finally start to see my collarbones. I was reminded that I still need to lose at least 15 pounds to even be in my healthy weight range. I managed to make myself have the rest of the planned 220 calories, but I paced my apartment and took the trash out (and made an extra trip up and down the stairs) to get to 2000 calories and past 7,000 steps.
I'm so tired. I don't get to go to sleep though because I need to try to write. I think Thursday I get to sleep.
So last night.. I went to AA at noon and then school for a bit. I didn't accomplish a lot. I looked at some articles. I think I had forgotten my usb drive, so I couldn't do a lot? My memory isn't working right now. I went to work at 4. It was an odd day in that there wasn't enough of our usual work, which is just preparing reports to send to doctors. I had a pile of re-runs waiting when I got there, which are cases where tests had to be repeated. This is usually if something shows up like an illegal drug or if a patient is in rehab (and then pretty much any unexpected result could get them kicked out, so we double check more). So I did that, and then there were more to pull.. and some cases to close, and I can't remember what else exactly.
I got off work around 10, and I decided to go to Walmart. I've been doing this a lot.. sometimes with a goal of buying something, sometimes honestly for exercise (crazy much?).. this was both. I decided to buy an alarm clock since clearly my phone isn't good enough. I got the alarm clock. I bought some water. I debated buying some frozen fruit to make smoothies. I have this irrational fear of fruit though sometimes. This is actually quite an old thing. It started when my ED started. The issue is that you look up calories, and unless you can weigh the fruit you have to decide is it a large strawberry or a medium strawberry? I can remember measuring a plum. I debated buying a kitchen scale so I could buy the fruit, and then I decided that I didn't want to spend that much money on something that was just going to make me crazier.. so maybe I could just under-measure. Then I realized I needed something else to go in the smoothies and went to look at yogurt, and then I gave up on the idea of smoothies. This is all because I bought a blender months ago and haven't used it.
I eventually get home around 11 something, and I get inside and there's a letter posted inside my door. Well, apparently I forgot to pay my rent on the 1st. They give us until the 3rd to pay. I've only ever been later than that once in the 4 years I have lived in this apartment, and the last time it was just a note posted outside the door on the clips that are outside the apartments. This was taped inside (meaning they came inside) and was some legal sounding letter about a notice to vacate and right to change the locks.. and I panicked and called my parents. I had plenty of money to pay, I just forgot that the month changed.. my parents say it's fine and probably just meant to sound scary, and they legally can't do that on such short notice. I hang up and go online, and the website lets me pay rent (plus late fees) but that still doesn't mean that everything is ok, and I still needed to go by the office.. which had to wait. It's fine and my parents were right about the letter just being standard. I went by this morning, but that's the reason I was stressed to begin with today.
So I go to work at 3 today, and I'm still stressed. I'm also supposed to go see my advisor at school tomorrow and I don't really have anything written since I last saw her, so not looking forward to that. I get to work and check my email, and there's an email about a weight loss competition going on. I kinda laugh it off.. I actually did think about doing it, but it's based on inches lost, and even if I lose what I want to, I can't lose as much as people that are bigger than me, right? I kinda talk about that with the guy next to me.. and let it go. I start working, and then I get stuck with the girl that's training.. who is nice, but that means I'm training and not just working.. and I miss just working. Then my supervisor decides she should use my computer, and guess what? Sends me to get reruns.
During the various time I'm running around, I run into the human resources person. She asks me if I want to do the weight loss contest. I say no. She asks if I'm sure. I say yes. She says if I change my mind to find her so she can measure me. I'm upset.. probably more than I should be by this. The conversation with the guy next to me seemed to amount to neither of us needed to do this. Her saying this got interpreted as, clearly I'm fat enough that I should be joining this contest. I can't remember if it's at this point.. or if it's the SECOND time she asks me that I almost start crying. Like she stops me again and asks if I'm sure. At this point I really almost start crying. I kinda pace a bit. I grab my headphones from my purse. I ask my supervisor if I can step outside for a bit, and I start to walk outside. I go to walk out the front door.. and a bunch of lab people are out smoking. I think I could walk out to my car, but I'd have to go back and get my keys. I'm trying not to call attention to how upset I am. I just stand inside the entryway and breathe. I finally go back to my desk and put my headphones on and put on music and turn it up loud.. the HR lady comes to talk to my coworkers at some point during this and I have my music on loud enough not to be able to hear anything anyone says. I manage not to cry.
But yeah.. this did not help the crazy. I haven't had solid food since Sunday. I decided to try a liquid diet for a few days.. and this is like under 300 calories worth. Yesterday was about 210 and today ended up being 220. I also kept compulsively checking steps and calories burned on the FitBit as I worked. I mean I am overweight, and she doesn't know I have an eating disorder or that I've already lost over 70 pounds in less than 9 months. She doesn't know that I'm absolutely fucking insane. She doesn't know how I heard that. But I felt ok this morning because I can finally start to see my collarbones. I was reminded that I still need to lose at least 15 pounds to even be in my healthy weight range. I managed to make myself have the rest of the planned 220 calories, but I paced my apartment and took the trash out (and made an extra trip up and down the stairs) to get to 2000 calories and past 7,000 steps.
I'm so tired. I don't get to go to sleep though because I need to try to write. I think Thursday I get to sleep.
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Dealing with people's concern... the God box/dinosaur
So I talked to my sponsor.. I tried calling her last night, and it rang and then started making something like a busy tone, which I don't think cell phones have. I should probably have called again, but I was at Target and just kinda waited to see if she called me back. By the time I got home, it was late, so I just didn't. Today I went to church, which was a huge debate since it involved getting out of bed by 9.. but I managed to get up. Then straight to work. After I was about half done with the plate I was working on (the cases are organized by the plates they're run on which hold 96 samples), I texted her to ask if she was busy because I figured I could take a break and call her.
About an hour later, she texted that she had been outside and away from her phone. I clocked out and went to call her. I told my boss I clocked out and he said I didn't have to unless it was going to be long, but I didn't know how long it would be.. ended up being like 15 minutes. Don't know if that was too long, but anyway I did it off the clock.
I sort of rambled through what I had been thinking about.. the whole topic of mood altering substances and diet pills being mood altering. I brought up buying new ones and taking more and not keeping track. I mentioned buying the ephedrine. I didn't list the other ones because it wouldn't make sense unless you knew about diet pills or chemicals.. other than they're chemically similar to amphetamines according to my coworker.
Anyway, she said she's thought about it. Her concern is not about this being a relapse in terms of substances. She's worried about me having a heart attack. She says she thinks about it and prays about it. She's talked to her sponsor about it.
We talked about various stuff.. basically working the steps for it, and she mentioned reading through the 12&12 or the big book and substituting food or another word for alcohol.. to think about it that way. So maybe we're going to do that when we both have time. She also talked about how she was trying to eat better and plan what she's eating.. I think the idea behind that was how we both should work on planning and eating better? I'm not sure how telling me she's not eating sugar is helpful. I told her I'm planning to buy meal replacement stuff.. I did not say I am planning to stop eating solids.. but haven't decided that for sure.
Anyway, on top of that.. I have the coworker who has commented on my "stimulant" habit.. who made a comment that he's worried about me today. Like not even in private.. said this in the middle of the analyst room. He said he was worried and I should cut back. He doesn't want me to be saying I have heart damage later because of what I was doing now. I've only known this guy for a few months, and he's worried about me having heart damage? I feel bad because it's my fault for ever mentioning it.. though if I took pills at work, I feel like someone would have asked eventually. And that's a hard question to dodge completely without lying or looking like you're taking something you shouldn't be.
But yes.. my fault. Same with my sponsor.. I mean if I had never mentioned the eating disorder.. well that probably would have come out after I lost 60 pounds, but I could have never mentioned the diet pills to anyone. But then would she be worried about the purging? or the not eating? She's offered to buy me Ensure if I would drink it. She's tried to feed me crackers after meetings. What else would she worry about? Would my coworker still have caught on to how tired I look? He's commented on it and how I should be sleeping more.
How much control do I really have over other people's worry? That's what I was thinking about tonight. I guess if they care, there will always be something to worry about. Unfortunately, when I have this many self destructive habits, there's more to worry about. Do I show the habits off on purpose? Do I do it because I want help? Is it sometimes an innocent mistake that starts it? Like the mistake of mentioning the damn pills.
So I dug out my God box.. actually it's a God dinosaur shaped bank because I thought that was funny (so did my sponsor). The idea of the God box is that you take the things that you are surrendering to your higher power, you write them down, and they go in the box. They stay in the box for at least a year. Eventually, you can open the box and see how things have been resolved.. but the main idea is to give the things to God by placing them in the box. You can't take them back because you are physically placing them inside. I debated if this was an appropriate thing to put in there.. since I have some control over this, but I thought about it.. and I don't. Whether or not they are worried about actions I have power over, I cannot control their thinking.. they can always find something to worry about.
So I am giving this one to God. I do need to work on making less to worry about, or at the very least minimizing attention-seeking behaviors. I do not need to work on making them less worried about me. I do not need to comfort them. This is the first time I've used the God dinosaur.. I bought it and it got buried in the mess that is my apartment. I cut some pieces of paper and placed a pen by it, so hopefully it will get more use.
The God dinosaur
About an hour later, she texted that she had been outside and away from her phone. I clocked out and went to call her. I told my boss I clocked out and he said I didn't have to unless it was going to be long, but I didn't know how long it would be.. ended up being like 15 minutes. Don't know if that was too long, but anyway I did it off the clock.
I sort of rambled through what I had been thinking about.. the whole topic of mood altering substances and diet pills being mood altering. I brought up buying new ones and taking more and not keeping track. I mentioned buying the ephedrine. I didn't list the other ones because it wouldn't make sense unless you knew about diet pills or chemicals.. other than they're chemically similar to amphetamines according to my coworker.
Anyway, she said she's thought about it. Her concern is not about this being a relapse in terms of substances. She's worried about me having a heart attack. She says she thinks about it and prays about it. She's talked to her sponsor about it.
We talked about various stuff.. basically working the steps for it, and she mentioned reading through the 12&12 or the big book and substituting food or another word for alcohol.. to think about it that way. So maybe we're going to do that when we both have time. She also talked about how she was trying to eat better and plan what she's eating.. I think the idea behind that was how we both should work on planning and eating better? I'm not sure how telling me she's not eating sugar is helpful. I told her I'm planning to buy meal replacement stuff.. I did not say I am planning to stop eating solids.. but haven't decided that for sure.
Anyway, on top of that.. I have the coworker who has commented on my "stimulant" habit.. who made a comment that he's worried about me today. Like not even in private.. said this in the middle of the analyst room. He said he was worried and I should cut back. He doesn't want me to be saying I have heart damage later because of what I was doing now. I've only known this guy for a few months, and he's worried about me having heart damage? I feel bad because it's my fault for ever mentioning it.. though if I took pills at work, I feel like someone would have asked eventually. And that's a hard question to dodge completely without lying or looking like you're taking something you shouldn't be.
But yes.. my fault. Same with my sponsor.. I mean if I had never mentioned the eating disorder.. well that probably would have come out after I lost 60 pounds, but I could have never mentioned the diet pills to anyone. But then would she be worried about the purging? or the not eating? She's offered to buy me Ensure if I would drink it. She's tried to feed me crackers after meetings. What else would she worry about? Would my coworker still have caught on to how tired I look? He's commented on it and how I should be sleeping more.
How much control do I really have over other people's worry? That's what I was thinking about tonight. I guess if they care, there will always be something to worry about. Unfortunately, when I have this many self destructive habits, there's more to worry about. Do I show the habits off on purpose? Do I do it because I want help? Is it sometimes an innocent mistake that starts it? Like the mistake of mentioning the damn pills.
So I dug out my God box.. actually it's a God dinosaur shaped bank because I thought that was funny (so did my sponsor). The idea of the God box is that you take the things that you are surrendering to your higher power, you write them down, and they go in the box. They stay in the box for at least a year. Eventually, you can open the box and see how things have been resolved.. but the main idea is to give the things to God by placing them in the box. You can't take them back because you are physically placing them inside. I debated if this was an appropriate thing to put in there.. since I have some control over this, but I thought about it.. and I don't. Whether or not they are worried about actions I have power over, I cannot control their thinking.. they can always find something to worry about.
So I am giving this one to God. I do need to work on making less to worry about, or at the very least minimizing attention-seeking behaviors. I do not need to work on making them less worried about me. I do not need to comfort them. This is the first time I've used the God dinosaur.. I bought it and it got buried in the mess that is my apartment. I cut some pieces of paper and placed a pen by it, so hopefully it will get more use.
Friday, April 24, 2015
Diet pills and insomnia... ***Trigger warning***
I don't know how much I've talked about this topic here. I mean in detail at least. In reality, I keep it primarily to myself, but that has a lot to do with the company I keep. My friends know I have an eating disorder, so they clearly would not approve of my use of diet pills. I'm around grad students who would probably not approve for scientific reasons, but honestly I don't talk to many people at school. My therapist I don't tell the truth about this.. at least not the whole truth. Then there's AA. I have mentioned it to my sponsor and one friend, but I don't really say much. I have always worried a little about what people would think. Nothing I take is illegal or even prescription, but there are people in AA that don't approve of anything considered "mood altering" and diet pills probably are.. hell, caffeine is. That's why rehab didn't provide caffeine in any form. They considered it a trigger for some (we could buy our own. Thank god)
Then there's work.. I have mentioned it to one coworker. Our whole job is about chemicals, and he's working on a masters in chemistry. I think we were talking about coffee and staying awake. I said I get most of mine in pill form rather than coffee. I ended up commenting about it not being caffeine pills I think.. and at the time I brought up these diet pills I hadn't purchased and showed him the ingredients. I had taken a picture on my phone to compare to the bottle I had at home. I was honestly curious of his opinion.. in part because these aren't the normal ones you find in the U.S. these days that are primarily caffeine, vitamins, and usually stuff like green coffee bean or whatever the fad is. Mainly caffeine though. These are the ones that are harder to find that are phenyl-ethylamines and synephrine.. which is what he commented on. These are structurally similar to amphetamines and to ephedrine. They're I think what was left or what replaced ephedrine in some diet pills once it was taken off the market. So anyway I showed him and was oddly reassured by his shock. Of course, I bought those pills later.
This has become a joke of his now. He jokes about my "stimulants" which makes me sound like I'm on meth or something. I do find it funny though.. and really it's my fault for bringing it up. Plus, I'm not always subtle about it since I take pills at work. I keep a pill case in my purse that usually contains 3-4 types of pills. Then I started carrying one bottle of pills. I carry the bottle because the pills have this tendency to break, so I keep them in the bottle with the cotton in it. I added to the number of types I own yesterday, which is why I thought of this. I went a little crazy because Wednesday night I stayed up grading all night, and so the next day I was functioning solely on coffee and these various pills. That made it seem like a brilliant idea to buy more. Add to that that I'm feeling a bit self destructive these days.. maybe a bit suicidal, and there was the post about the girl who died. She died from a type of pill I can't buy (yes I looked online out of curiosity) but it put the topic on my mind yesterday.
So what I have **obviously trigger warning**
The innocent ones
1. Green tea extract- I don't know why I bought it.. at the time I was thinking it might be a good afternoon pill with a bit of caffeine. Plus, people say it works, and it certainly couldn't hurt
2. Green coffee bean- it's the new fad. I keep this and green tea in the pill case in my purse, and I can't tell them apart since they look the same.. so I just pick a random one if I decide to take one
3. Konjac root- I stopped taking it since it's only supposed to serve a purpose if taken with or before a meal, and I don't eat meals during the day and mainly binge/purge at night. I'm a bit afraid I'd choke if I purged after taking it (it's a type of fiber) so I have it but haven't taken any in a month at least
The "bad?" ones
4. VPX Meltdown- bought it at Walgreens, so it can't be that dangerous. But this is one that's a combination of the phenyl-ethylamines, synephrine, caffeine, and some other stuff I don't know much about. I did a lot of research online and it was similar to some kinds that I would have had to order, and I don't trust ordering pills online (even on Amazon you can get stuff that's expired or stored badly)
5. Fastin- this is the one I showed my coworker. Honestly, it's the same as the meltdown as far as ingredients. When I first started my eating disorder, I took this one.. they sold it at Walmart then. Now, I found it at Bed Bath and Beyond but couldn't find it anywhere else.. I'm not sure why. It's not expired. They make an extended release now too, so I'm wondering why stores don't carry it.
I tend to take the VPX one at home in the morning and the Fastin (in my purse) during the day
Then yesterday I added
6. Bitter Orange- this is the source of synephrine. I was reading an article on pubmed.org that summarized 20 scientific studies done on it, and there was no significant side effects. It does raise blood pressure in some because the receptor it works on in fat cells is also found in cardiac muscle apparently. I bought it at a natural grocery store. I found one brand, and I asked an employee if that was the only one they carried. He looked a little judgmental and just showed me where the diet pills were since it's a "thermogenic".. I said I know that. I wanted to know if they carried others that were just that.. I kinda wanted to say something less nice about the look he gave me. Whatever. The pills smells terrible by the way and taste bad.. I feel like natural supplements make no effort to not smell like dog poop.
7. Ephedrine- I finally did it. Ephedrine is not sold as a diet pill in the U.S. anymore. I don't think it's legal for it to be sold as a diet pill. It is however sold as an allergy medication just like pseudoephedrine is, but it's less common. I knew this for a while, but the brand I was aware of was not the same as the ephedrine sold as a diet pill. Then I discovered one that is and that it's cheap. It's ephedrine and guaifenesin, which is an expectorant (makes you cough up mucus).
The ephedrine package specifically says not to mix it with caffeine or with medications for weight loss. At first I debated this. I had taken a bitter orange after I bought that, so I didn't take an ephedrine until hours later.. I mainly took it because I was getting really tired and needed to drive home. I still almost fell asleep driving. I took an ephedrine. Then an hour later another bitter orange. That was at like 8pm. I was up until 1am or so cleaning (I will get into that another time) and then took my night meds and crashed.
I slept until 1pm.. my alarm was for 11, but I fell back asleep. It was ok since I was making up for 0 sleep on Wednesday night. Well, I got up and took a Meltdown. Then an ephedrine at some point (might have been at work). Then at work I took a Fastin and had a cup of coffee and a diet mountain dew (not all at once). I was wired. I've been having very mild chest pains off and on.. which is probably not good. I got off work at 10:30pm and went to Walmart because I knew I was too awake to go to bed. I got home around midnight, and since then I've had a couple cups of herbal tea and some water. I'm still pretty awake but starting to wind down. I'm supposed to go to an AA meeting at 10:30 in the morning, so I do have to go to bed soon if I want to be able to wake up in time.
I'm thinking of telling my sponsor about all this. Partly because it doesn't seem like healthy behavior to be taking all these pills on no set schedule. Like that seems like mentally ill (or maybe addict) behavior rather than simply attempted weight loss. Also, I don't know.. I guess even I know it's dangerous behavior, and I feel I should tell someone. I've wanted to tell her I've been cutting again too.. I see my psychiatrist next week, so I can talk to him as well.
And if anyone is worried, I took my blood pressure and it's a bit high 137/99 but not dangerously so. My pulse is about 80, so I did check that after my chest was hurting. I am not taking anything else today other than my usual prescribed medication.
Then there's work.. I have mentioned it to one coworker. Our whole job is about chemicals, and he's working on a masters in chemistry. I think we were talking about coffee and staying awake. I said I get most of mine in pill form rather than coffee. I ended up commenting about it not being caffeine pills I think.. and at the time I brought up these diet pills I hadn't purchased and showed him the ingredients. I had taken a picture on my phone to compare to the bottle I had at home. I was honestly curious of his opinion.. in part because these aren't the normal ones you find in the U.S. these days that are primarily caffeine, vitamins, and usually stuff like green coffee bean or whatever the fad is. Mainly caffeine though. These are the ones that are harder to find that are phenyl-ethylamines and synephrine.. which is what he commented on. These are structurally similar to amphetamines and to ephedrine. They're I think what was left or what replaced ephedrine in some diet pills once it was taken off the market. So anyway I showed him and was oddly reassured by his shock. Of course, I bought those pills later.
This has become a joke of his now. He jokes about my "stimulants" which makes me sound like I'm on meth or something. I do find it funny though.. and really it's my fault for bringing it up. Plus, I'm not always subtle about it since I take pills at work. I keep a pill case in my purse that usually contains 3-4 types of pills. Then I started carrying one bottle of pills. I carry the bottle because the pills have this tendency to break, so I keep them in the bottle with the cotton in it. I added to the number of types I own yesterday, which is why I thought of this. I went a little crazy because Wednesday night I stayed up grading all night, and so the next day I was functioning solely on coffee and these various pills. That made it seem like a brilliant idea to buy more. Add to that that I'm feeling a bit self destructive these days.. maybe a bit suicidal, and there was the post about the girl who died. She died from a type of pill I can't buy (yes I looked online out of curiosity) but it put the topic on my mind yesterday.
So what I have **obviously trigger warning**
The innocent ones
1. Green tea extract- I don't know why I bought it.. at the time I was thinking it might be a good afternoon pill with a bit of caffeine. Plus, people say it works, and it certainly couldn't hurt
2. Green coffee bean- it's the new fad. I keep this and green tea in the pill case in my purse, and I can't tell them apart since they look the same.. so I just pick a random one if I decide to take one
3. Konjac root- I stopped taking it since it's only supposed to serve a purpose if taken with or before a meal, and I don't eat meals during the day and mainly binge/purge at night. I'm a bit afraid I'd choke if I purged after taking it (it's a type of fiber) so I have it but haven't taken any in a month at least
The "bad?" ones
4. VPX Meltdown- bought it at Walgreens, so it can't be that dangerous. But this is one that's a combination of the phenyl-ethylamines, synephrine, caffeine, and some other stuff I don't know much about. I did a lot of research online and it was similar to some kinds that I would have had to order, and I don't trust ordering pills online (even on Amazon you can get stuff that's expired or stored badly)
5. Fastin- this is the one I showed my coworker. Honestly, it's the same as the meltdown as far as ingredients. When I first started my eating disorder, I took this one.. they sold it at Walmart then. Now, I found it at Bed Bath and Beyond but couldn't find it anywhere else.. I'm not sure why. It's not expired. They make an extended release now too, so I'm wondering why stores don't carry it.
I tend to take the VPX one at home in the morning and the Fastin (in my purse) during the day
Then yesterday I added
6. Bitter Orange- this is the source of synephrine. I was reading an article on pubmed.org that summarized 20 scientific studies done on it, and there was no significant side effects. It does raise blood pressure in some because the receptor it works on in fat cells is also found in cardiac muscle apparently. I bought it at a natural grocery store. I found one brand, and I asked an employee if that was the only one they carried. He looked a little judgmental and just showed me where the diet pills were since it's a "thermogenic".. I said I know that. I wanted to know if they carried others that were just that.. I kinda wanted to say something less nice about the look he gave me. Whatever. The pills smells terrible by the way and taste bad.. I feel like natural supplements make no effort to not smell like dog poop.
7. Ephedrine- I finally did it. Ephedrine is not sold as a diet pill in the U.S. anymore. I don't think it's legal for it to be sold as a diet pill. It is however sold as an allergy medication just like pseudoephedrine is, but it's less common. I knew this for a while, but the brand I was aware of was not the same as the ephedrine sold as a diet pill. Then I discovered one that is and that it's cheap. It's ephedrine and guaifenesin, which is an expectorant (makes you cough up mucus).
The ephedrine package specifically says not to mix it with caffeine or with medications for weight loss. At first I debated this. I had taken a bitter orange after I bought that, so I didn't take an ephedrine until hours later.. I mainly took it because I was getting really tired and needed to drive home. I still almost fell asleep driving. I took an ephedrine. Then an hour later another bitter orange. That was at like 8pm. I was up until 1am or so cleaning (I will get into that another time) and then took my night meds and crashed.
I slept until 1pm.. my alarm was for 11, but I fell back asleep. It was ok since I was making up for 0 sleep on Wednesday night. Well, I got up and took a Meltdown. Then an ephedrine at some point (might have been at work). Then at work I took a Fastin and had a cup of coffee and a diet mountain dew (not all at once). I was wired. I've been having very mild chest pains off and on.. which is probably not good. I got off work at 10:30pm and went to Walmart because I knew I was too awake to go to bed. I got home around midnight, and since then I've had a couple cups of herbal tea and some water. I'm still pretty awake but starting to wind down. I'm supposed to go to an AA meeting at 10:30 in the morning, so I do have to go to bed soon if I want to be able to wake up in time.
I'm thinking of telling my sponsor about all this. Partly because it doesn't seem like healthy behavior to be taking all these pills on no set schedule. Like that seems like mentally ill (or maybe addict) behavior rather than simply attempted weight loss. Also, I don't know.. I guess even I know it's dangerous behavior, and I feel I should tell someone. I've wanted to tell her I've been cutting again too.. I see my psychiatrist next week, so I can talk to him as well.
And if anyone is worried, I took my blood pressure and it's a bit high 137/99 but not dangerously so. My pulse is about 80, so I did check that after my chest was hurting. I am not taking anything else today other than my usual prescribed medication.
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