For a couple years I guess I have been seeing the same psychiatrist.. not sure exactly how long. I switched to him after I got tired of the ultimatums the previous one was giving me.. if I didn't quit drinking, she wouldn't see me. If I kept cutting, she wouldn't see me. She never stopped seeing me or prescribing my meds, but she kept threatening it. It was frustrating. I mean she had no practical solutions for me, just lots of threats. So i switched to someone who specializes in addiction in the hope that either he could help me or at least have a bit more understanding for my situation.
Don't get me wrong.. he is not terrible. I have had worse. It is the same problem before that he doesn't seem to have very high hopes for me.. he was willing to try lots of things to help the drinking. We did the Vivitrol shot, naltrexone (the oral kind), topamax, and various other things... so he was definitely more understanding that I couldn't just quit drinking. He did seem a bit baffled that I didn't really have physical cravings for alcohol the way others do.. it's a psychological thing. I never could explain that well. Also, none of the medications really helped. He didn't seem surprised when rehab failed and hospital stays failed. He was not a big fan of AA I think.. I mean he never pushed me to go, and he didn't seem interested that i was going. When I was 6 months sober (I think I wrote about this) he basically told me that wasn't good enough. That wasn't a long time. At 9 months he finally seemed surprised and pleased with me. However, after I got sober he just kinda stopped listening to me. I'd say I was more depressed, and he'd say that is to be expected. I'd say I was having trouble sleeping, and he didn't really do anything. He kept commenting on my weight loss despite me telling him more than once that i have an eating disorder. I'd say that.. we talked about it briefly (I didn't expect him to do anything about it. I wanted him to shut the fuck up). Then a couple months later he'd ask how much I'd lost and say he hopes I was doing it for the right reasons. Seriously? I gave up on that. But our appointments basically involved me sitting there for less than 5 minutes.. I might try to say something, and he would just kinda blow it off. Then he would refill my meds and say I will see you in 2 months.
This week.. Well it had been 2 months, and for at least a month of that I was not taking my medication.. probably longer than that. I honestly don't think I was taking everything when I saw him the last time, but I didn't say anything about it. I had texted my sponsor the day before about whether or not I should tell him because it felt pointless.. she said I should. So I told him that i stopped my medications for a month or so. His response was "Well, weren't we planning on tapering off them anyway?" To which my response was No.. not that I was ever aware of. I said I had started them again. He said the goal was to eventually be on less medications at least. Honestly, this is less medications for me.. I've been so overly medicated by previous psychiatrists that this isn't that bad to me. I mean the topamax is entirely unneccessary I think, but I want it because I think it helps suppress my appetite.. but the rest I see no problem with. I did say I'm bothered by needing the seroquel to sleep. He didn't say anything about that.. He filled everything. He started talking about how I should do TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation). He said my insurance covers it now. He then basically invited in the person that does it and sent me to fill out paperwork. I said I didn't want to say yes to this. I mean 1. I am sure it will still be expensive 2. I am not thrilled with the idea of anything that makes permanent changes to my brain and it is not an impulse decision and 3 it would involve driving there (an hour each way) 5 days a week for 6 weeks. That's ridiculous. He did finally say that maybe if there's somewhere closer, they could just do a referral.. and still sent me to do the paperwork for it to see if my insurance would pay. I honestly think he wants me to do it because he probably gets money from it since it's out of the same practice. I don't think he wants it because he thinks it will be the thing that fixes my depression. I mean he said it could work or at least not make things worse.. and there's no side effects.. but it was not a convincing speech.
So I did the little evaluation (that lady was nice at least).. and now I'm looking for a new psychiatrist. I mean at no point did he seem at all concerned that i took myself off my meds suddenly.. or started them again suddenly. At no point did he really ask how my mood was.. or my behaviors.. (I've been cutting again..). No, he just decided to try to convince me to do this thing that he probably gets money for. He talked about reducing my medication, but he didn't do that.. I am pretty sure he is supposed to be concerned that i am not being compliant with my medication. I mean I am diagnosed with major depressive disorder, recurrent, severe.. with multiple hospital stays because I was suicidal or self destructive. Several of those resulted from me stopping my medication.. but he doesn't seem concerned.
Part of me is a bit nervous about finding someone else.. for multiple reasons. He was very tolerant of me while I was drinking.. my old psychiatrist had a point that prescribing me all these meds while I was drinking that much was dangerous. He was ok with it. If I were to ever relapse, I run the risk of another psychiatrist firing me as a patient for that.. or for being non-compliant. Also.. I have been known to manipulate doctors. I had one prescribing me ritalin (methylphenidate) for fatigue.. which doesn't really make sense. (actually it was my therapist's idea but that was probably because of me). I had another prescribing me benzos while I was drinking which is dangerous. This guy specializes in addictions, so I'm pretty sure I could no convince him to give me either benzos or amphetamines.. so I haven't tried. I have planned out what I might say in my head a few times.. mainly thinking of how to get some kind of amphetamine. They do prescribe phentermine for binge eating disorder.. so I wondered if I could convince him to give me that for the bulimia.. but I don't think he'd fall for it. But you see my point? My brain does come up with these things.. and I've gotten psychiatrists to fall for things before. I seem a lot more trustworthy than I really am. Really, I have an addictive personality and should not be prescribed any addictive medications for anxiety.. and really I have an eating disorder and would LOVE to have something that would help me lose more weight. (The other argument in my head is that maybe I could convince a doctor that it would be safer to give me phentermine than for me to keep taking diet pills and ephedrine containing allergy pills)
But I think my frustration with him has won this time. I am tired of him not listening. I am not happy with him pushing the TMS thing suddenly like I should just decide on the spot. That's kinda like I stopped seeing one psychiatrist pretty soon after he mentioned ECT. Also, I think I do need a psychiatrist that understands that it probably is not a realistic option for me to not take medication. Me not taking medication has NEVER ended well. It just varies how long it takes for me to go nuts. He really just doesn't give a shit as long as I'm sober.. Maybe he doesn't understand that my problems started long before I started drinking. Drinking is a symptom not a cause. It has since been replaced by other symptoms. I'm rambling.. but it is frustrating to think of starting over. I hate even thinking of that question they ask about what meds you have taken. I have taken nearly everything. The lady doing the TMS evaluation thing kept asking me how many times a day and what dosage of things I took.. like I remember.. I've been on meds for 14 years. I don't remember. I can probably tell you if I've taken something. I might be able to tell you why I stopped taking it.. but the rest is a blur. Maybe I should just say it that way to be clear, or does that make me sound bitchy? Maybe assertive is the correct word.. not bitchy.
Friday, January 15, 2016
Saturday, January 9, 2016
One year
My sobriety date is January 9th 2015, which makes today my one year AA birthday. It is very hard to believe it has been a year.. in part because I am still baffled by the fact that I am sober. I wonder if other people are too.
Last year I stopped drinking the weekend before the Spring semester started because at that point I couldn't hide it anymore. My hands would shake constantly.. and not just my hands, my legs, and even my face would twitch. I had almost zero short term memory.. I constantly repeated stories to people because I honestly couldn't remember telling them. I kept losing words and switching them out when I spoke.. it was a mess. Over the past month or so I have been remembering all these things. I remember drinking in my car at my parent's house before going in.. hoping it would help the shakes. I remember drinking in my car in the church parking lot because I didn't think I could drive sober (I couldn't.. I would get disoriented). I should have probably been in the hospital again because my blood pressure was crazy high when I stopped drinking.. but I didn't have any time left, and I had gone so many times before.
I got my chip today at the women's meeting.. it's nice that it fell on the same day. My sponsor gave it to me.. and they did the usual "Tell us how you did it" thing and I didn't have much to say.. just that I remember learning about "yets" before coming to AA. I think I learned it in reference to eating disorders.. but you never say "I never did... " because really it is I haven't YET. There's always that possibility.. and I had started doing all those yets.. the day drinking, the driving after drinking, the hiding alcohol.. so many things.. and honestly I feel like by the time I stopped it was very much a life or death decision. Other people said things.. and I cried.. a lot. I put some people in that room through a great deal of pain by relapsing over and over. One woman even said that someone had told her that I wasn't going to get it.. not going to get the program. Apparently, I did, and that person didn't.. not sure who she was talking about. I remember going to a meeting last week and having someone tell my sponsor I was a walking miracle.. he had been around a lot when I was still going to 1-2 meetings a day and then drinking every night.
I spent the day with my sponsor.. in part because I had a little breakdown after the meeting (not going into that now), so she had me come home with her. Also because at some point she and my other good friend in the program had talked about (not sure who came up with the idea) getting tattoos when i was a year sober. I remember her saying something around the time I got my 6 month chip. I didn't know if that would happen.. but she texted me a couple days ago that I had better have the day off because they had the appointment at the tattoo parlor for today. They wanted to know if I would get one too (their treat), and I settled on this.. my sponsor got a quote, and my friend got a semi colon (if you look up semi colon project that will make sense).. I spent the afternoon deciding and this was something I had seen a while ago. I considered various quotes, but I didn't really want words. I have wanted a phoenix for a while.. I like the idea of rebirth and starting over.
So excuse my fat back and the weirdly posed picture (it's hard to take a photo of your own back).It didn't hurt very badly. I had been nervous because I was a bit nauseous because of anxiety over going and the fact that my sponsor insisted I eat beforehand.. and that was honestly as big a source of anxiety as the tattoo. I hadn't eaten anything since 4am, so she was probably right to make me.. Anyway.. it's late and I have typed this all out twice because blogger on my phone froze and I lost the whole thing, so I'm going to bed.
Last year I stopped drinking the weekend before the Spring semester started because at that point I couldn't hide it anymore. My hands would shake constantly.. and not just my hands, my legs, and even my face would twitch. I had almost zero short term memory.. I constantly repeated stories to people because I honestly couldn't remember telling them. I kept losing words and switching them out when I spoke.. it was a mess. Over the past month or so I have been remembering all these things. I remember drinking in my car at my parent's house before going in.. hoping it would help the shakes. I remember drinking in my car in the church parking lot because I didn't think I could drive sober (I couldn't.. I would get disoriented). I should have probably been in the hospital again because my blood pressure was crazy high when I stopped drinking.. but I didn't have any time left, and I had gone so many times before.
I got my chip today at the women's meeting.. it's nice that it fell on the same day. My sponsor gave it to me.. and they did the usual "Tell us how you did it" thing and I didn't have much to say.. just that I remember learning about "yets" before coming to AA. I think I learned it in reference to eating disorders.. but you never say "I never did... " because really it is I haven't YET. There's always that possibility.. and I had started doing all those yets.. the day drinking, the driving after drinking, the hiding alcohol.. so many things.. and honestly I feel like by the time I stopped it was very much a life or death decision. Other people said things.. and I cried.. a lot. I put some people in that room through a great deal of pain by relapsing over and over. One woman even said that someone had told her that I wasn't going to get it.. not going to get the program. Apparently, I did, and that person didn't.. not sure who she was talking about. I remember going to a meeting last week and having someone tell my sponsor I was a walking miracle.. he had been around a lot when I was still going to 1-2 meetings a day and then drinking every night.
I spent the day with my sponsor.. in part because I had a little breakdown after the meeting (not going into that now), so she had me come home with her. Also because at some point she and my other good friend in the program had talked about (not sure who came up with the idea) getting tattoos when i was a year sober. I remember her saying something around the time I got my 6 month chip. I didn't know if that would happen.. but she texted me a couple days ago that I had better have the day off because they had the appointment at the tattoo parlor for today. They wanted to know if I would get one too (their treat), and I settled on this.. my sponsor got a quote, and my friend got a semi colon (if you look up semi colon project that will make sense).. I spent the afternoon deciding and this was something I had seen a while ago. I considered various quotes, but I didn't really want words. I have wanted a phoenix for a while.. I like the idea of rebirth and starting over.
So excuse my fat back and the weirdly posed picture (it's hard to take a photo of your own back).It didn't hurt very badly. I had been nervous because I was a bit nauseous because of anxiety over going and the fact that my sponsor insisted I eat beforehand.. and that was honestly as big a source of anxiety as the tattoo. I hadn't eaten anything since 4am, so she was probably right to make me.. Anyway.. it's late and I have typed this all out twice because blogger on my phone froze and I lost the whole thing, so I'm going to bed.
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
New toy and poor choices
So anyone who reads that title is probably going to think this is about something much dirtier than it is.. but this is not about anything adult themed... just more eating disorder madness. I like the title though, so it's probably staying.
So last year in February I purchased my FitBit Charge. It was shortly after I got my current job and had money to spare. In a fairly short period of time I bough the Charge (activity tracker) and a used/kinda broken Aria scale. It doesn't do the body fat percentage, which is why it was so cheap on Ebay.. I got it because it automatically syncs my weight to the app. The Charge I bought shortly after managing to lose my Up24 and not being able to cope with not having something counting calories burned anymore. That time I opted for the Fitbit because it would use the same app as the scale, and it was great. Well.. by great I mean kinda terrible in a way because I was weighing myself more and pacing the apartment like a madwoman to get to my step goal.. but great.
Well, this year the Fitbit (charge) was looking a bit tattered.. the band was peeling away from it, and I had superglued it back in place.. but I was tired of how beat up it looked. I decided after Christmas i was going to use some money I was given to replace it. I debated whether or not to simply replace it with another one or something different. I didn't want to spring for the Charge HR because I really don't care about my heart rate, and honestly I was wondering if another Charge would end up the same way as mine did. So I did some research. I looked at the Up2 which is slightly less unattractive than the UP24 (that thing was ugly but I got it cheap) but still slightly ugly.. and it doesn't have a display on it. You have to open the app to see your steps and calories, and that also means it doesn't show the time like the FitBit which allowed it to replace my watch. So I would have had to get a watch too.. so that was out.. mainly because it was kinda ugly.This was the UP24 by the way.
Anyway long story short, I ended up with a Garmin Vivofit2.. because it's the same price as the Charge, it's water resistant (can wear it in the shower), and you can switch the band out.. so if it ever gets beat up, that can be replaced. Also.. they make some cute colored bands.
Here's the new one.
The problem was that it doesn't use the same app as my scale, so I would have to do things differently. I settled on MyFitnessPal because I can link both the scale for weight and the Garmin for steps/calories, and it's all in one place again... though this was a bit of a pain in the ass to get working properly since I had to unlink the Fitbit Charge.
Well, the fitbit app is really not very good in my mind for tracking food because so few things are in the results when you search, brands are impossible to find, and so many things I had to enter myself. I gave up on it after a while.. or used it occasionally but not daily. Well, this is different.. everything is entered in MyFitnessPal if you search calories, and it reminds me everyday to enter breakfast, lunch and dinner.. although.. lately those are not all occurring. It also sets the calorie goal lower.
I've started using it.. tracking everything pretty much except binges that are purged. I tell myself I don't want to see the calories if I eat an extra snack or a veggie burger at 2am, but I find myself tracking it anyway. And I kinda love the little nagging reminder that I haven't eaten enough calories. I pretty much only once in the past week have reached/exceeded the goal and then every time I have eaten less. Less can be 1000 calories in a day, or today it ended up being 179. It was one of those days where I entered food before work that I brought with me to eat, and then I ended up deleting some of it because I never ate it. Today's odd plan was 7 rice cakes, but I only managed 4 because I've been nauseous all day. I was actually frustrated because they sounded delicious (can that describe plain rice cakes?) when I bought them today, but I only ate the last couple to see if my stomach would settle.
And my weight is still dropping steadily. I failed at the cereal diet.. well one day I managed.. another I caved and ate a meal at work (vegan chili I had stuck in the freezer after not eating it when I first brought it) and chips. The other I ended up eating a veggie burger at 2am. So today I was supposed to not eat as punishment for the chili, but I decided the rice cakes were a reward for weight loss. My reward was rice cakes with mustard... I think maybe I'm dehydrated and just need to eat a big bowl of salt (kidding)
But this whole decision about tracking calories does not seem to be good for me. I'm searching to find the one entry for mustard that lists it as having calories because so many say zero. I'm entering the 4 calories for a mini warheads candy. So this probably isn't healthy, but I feel safer now. I did end up pacing my apartment once already to get to a certain number of calories burned.. but mostly am settling for the number being greater than what I've eaten, and that doesn't take much effort some days.
I also failed miserably at sleeping last night and laid in bed contemplating how completely pointless my life is. That was not pleasant.. so the nausea today is because of too little sleep, too little food, and too much caffeine I am sure.
So last year in February I purchased my FitBit Charge. It was shortly after I got my current job and had money to spare. In a fairly short period of time I bough the Charge (activity tracker) and a used/kinda broken Aria scale. It doesn't do the body fat percentage, which is why it was so cheap on Ebay.. I got it because it automatically syncs my weight to the app. The Charge I bought shortly after managing to lose my Up24 and not being able to cope with not having something counting calories burned anymore. That time I opted for the Fitbit because it would use the same app as the scale, and it was great. Well.. by great I mean kinda terrible in a way because I was weighing myself more and pacing the apartment like a madwoman to get to my step goal.. but great.
Well, this year the Fitbit (charge) was looking a bit tattered.. the band was peeling away from it, and I had superglued it back in place.. but I was tired of how beat up it looked. I decided after Christmas i was going to use some money I was given to replace it. I debated whether or not to simply replace it with another one or something different. I didn't want to spring for the Charge HR because I really don't care about my heart rate, and honestly I was wondering if another Charge would end up the same way as mine did. So I did some research. I looked at the Up2 which is slightly less unattractive than the UP24 (that thing was ugly but I got it cheap) but still slightly ugly.. and it doesn't have a display on it. You have to open the app to see your steps and calories, and that also means it doesn't show the time like the FitBit which allowed it to replace my watch. So I would have had to get a watch too.. so that was out.. mainly because it was kinda ugly.This was the UP24 by the way.
Anyway long story short, I ended up with a Garmin Vivofit2.. because it's the same price as the Charge, it's water resistant (can wear it in the shower), and you can switch the band out.. so if it ever gets beat up, that can be replaced. Also.. they make some cute colored bands.
Here's the new one.
The problem was that it doesn't use the same app as my scale, so I would have to do things differently. I settled on MyFitnessPal because I can link both the scale for weight and the Garmin for steps/calories, and it's all in one place again... though this was a bit of a pain in the ass to get working properly since I had to unlink the Fitbit Charge.
Well, the fitbit app is really not very good in my mind for tracking food because so few things are in the results when you search, brands are impossible to find, and so many things I had to enter myself. I gave up on it after a while.. or used it occasionally but not daily. Well, this is different.. everything is entered in MyFitnessPal if you search calories, and it reminds me everyday to enter breakfast, lunch and dinner.. although.. lately those are not all occurring. It also sets the calorie goal lower.
I've started using it.. tracking everything pretty much except binges that are purged. I tell myself I don't want to see the calories if I eat an extra snack or a veggie burger at 2am, but I find myself tracking it anyway. And I kinda love the little nagging reminder that I haven't eaten enough calories. I pretty much only once in the past week have reached/exceeded the goal and then every time I have eaten less. Less can be 1000 calories in a day, or today it ended up being 179. It was one of those days where I entered food before work that I brought with me to eat, and then I ended up deleting some of it because I never ate it. Today's odd plan was 7 rice cakes, but I only managed 4 because I've been nauseous all day. I was actually frustrated because they sounded delicious (can that describe plain rice cakes?) when I bought them today, but I only ate the last couple to see if my stomach would settle.
And my weight is still dropping steadily. I failed at the cereal diet.. well one day I managed.. another I caved and ate a meal at work (vegan chili I had stuck in the freezer after not eating it when I first brought it) and chips. The other I ended up eating a veggie burger at 2am. So today I was supposed to not eat as punishment for the chili, but I decided the rice cakes were a reward for weight loss. My reward was rice cakes with mustard... I think maybe I'm dehydrated and just need to eat a big bowl of salt (kidding)
But this whole decision about tracking calories does not seem to be good for me. I'm searching to find the one entry for mustard that lists it as having calories because so many say zero. I'm entering the 4 calories for a mini warheads candy. So this probably isn't healthy, but I feel safer now. I did end up pacing my apartment once already to get to a certain number of calories burned.. but mostly am settling for the number being greater than what I've eaten, and that doesn't take much effort some days.
I also failed miserably at sleeping last night and laid in bed contemplating how completely pointless my life is. That was not pleasant.. so the nausea today is because of too little sleep, too little food, and too much caffeine I am sure.
Sunday, January 3, 2016
Diets and paranoia
Not sure why I am writing this. It's kinda pointless. Also probably triggering and disordered.
So I guess I'm not eating a whole lot. Well, a lot by some standards but not healthy ones. I mean yesterday I binged and purged and otherwise ate nothing. Today I ate a serving (carefully counted) of fritos and one cup of cereal. It took me the 8 hours I was at work to actually finish the cereal.
I've been losing weight.. 6 pounds so far. That seems like too much, but I've weighed twice today on 2 scales (and twice yesterday on two scales). I do not trust my fitbit scale. It is terrible about changing whenever it's moved. It was in the kitchen because there was more space, but the cats kept walking on it. I worried that would affect it, so I moved it to the bathroom where there's very little room. Sometimes it's bumped by the door. One day I stepped on 3 times and got 3 different weights. I was obviously bothered. After thinking about it, I decided not to care. I would do my best not to move it, and even if the number isn't 100% right, it will show a gain or loss. The other scale I trust more because it always says I am the same or heavier but never lighter.
So anyway.. work today. I don't know why, but I got the feeling people were staring or looking at me strangely. I didn't know why. I checked my clothes, my face, my hair (which admittedly looks dry and frizzy and awful). Nothing looked that bad. It was really weird. I wondered if it is my weight. If it was that I was shaking from too much caffeine. Did I look tired? Was I simply imagining the whole thing? Probably that... But I couldn't help it. I do that.
I am hoping to make them stare because I've lost weight. I'm going to put myself on a diet consisting solely of cereal. Probably an awful idea, but I like it. It starts tomorrow... Or rather later today since it's past midnight.
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Medication fun
So I mentioned I believe that I restarted my medication, which I had stopped for a month-ish.
It's not going too well. I'm on an antidepressant (Wellbutrin/Bupropion), a mood stabilizer (Lamictal/Lamotragine), Topamax/Topiramate (not sure its class), and an anti psychotic (Seroquel/Quetiapine) for sleep.. but I never stopped the seroquel because I don't sleep without it. I'm on a pretty high dose of everything and have been on them for a while.
So the past 2 days I have basically been having what remind me of alcohol withdrawal.. but obviously not that. Visible, uncontrollable shaking that didn't stop after eating and having water. I woke up yesterday because it felt like there were bugs on me. I turned on the light and looked and saw nothing. I felt my body and didn't find any. I did this several times before giving up on going back to sleep. The feeling didn't really go away when I was out of bed and could clearly see there were no bugs on me (and I still later checked the bed/sheets/ under the mattress even). I also swear I am seeing things. Not really things, just shadows. Like I was alone in a room at work and thought I saw a person in the corner of my vision. Nobody there. Otherwise, it's hard to explain.
Well, I looked the medications up last night. Apparently, you are supposed to start lamictal very slowly. Side effects list fever, rash (also have had a red face and felt warm), and trembling is an uncommon one. Basically all of this.. and they recommend starting at 50mg. I started back at 300mg. Oops... So I dropped back to half my usual of wellbutrin also and will do the same for the lamictal tonight.
I did at least mention to a coworker I trust that I had started taking some medications again (didn't say what) because the shaking was obvious. This way if something bad happens at work, someone will know what's going on. At least I hope it's that, and I'm not just losing my mind..
Saturday, December 26, 2015
Christmas
I hope everyone had a happy Christmas (or any holiday you celebrate) or at least a tolerable one.
Mine went fairly well. Christmas Eve I took both cats to my parent's house. I baked cookies with my mom. We made 3 kinds of cookies total. Vegan gingerbread men (which were a standard recipe made with Earth Balance and egg replacer), a vegan one that is chocolate with mint filling (these were the best), and then sugar cookies that had butter and eggs. I ended up helping with those because I didn't want my mom doing all the work, but I didn't eat any.
Christmas Eve we had pasta for supper and I went to church. There was a church potluck that I skipped. I don't like crowds, but I went for one service.
Christmas day my brother came and we exchanged gifts. I got 2 vegan cookbooks (1 from my brother and 1 from my parents), a food processor, a mini salad spinner, and a new phone (which we actually got Christmas Eve). From my aunt I got a pretty sweater and money that I think is going towards a new fitbit soon. I bought my brother a blanket, which is identical to one I bought black Friday and love. I got my mom pajamas and peridot earrings. My dad I bought nice steak knives... Which felt odd coming from a vegan, but then I use them on broccoli and such. Whatever. The cats got handmade toys.. basically we buy baby socks and fill them with catnip
We had lunch. They had ham. I had a veggie burger. Then there was hummus, pita chips, cranberry sauce, and rolls (which I couldn't have). We went to a movie and then a Thai restaurant for supper.
I'm back to taking my meds maybe. I told my sponsor (or rather mentioned in front of her) I had stopped. We discussed it, and she asked if not taking my meds normally is like drinking normally.. meaning basically is it impossible for me? She may be right because eventually the result in the past has always been bad. It doesn't always happen immediately (same way the relapses might go), but I always end up in a bad place. I mean lately I have been sleeping until 1-2pm, which is probably a symptom of depression. I also know that if I want to try to talk to my doctor about coming off medication, I probably shouldn't have already done it when I see him.. so yeah. I took all of them tonight after I finished binging and purging for the day (also probably a sign I am not mentally healthy)
Sunday, December 20, 2015
Work news and random rants
So I had intended to just rant a bit about Christmas and some family stuff, but then in the time it took for me to actually sit down and write this (more than a day) some important things have gone on at work, so I suppose I should add that in before I forget. I apologize if it doesn't all make sense because I'm really very tired. I also apologize in advance because some of the rants are vegan related stuff you may not care about, but I don't have anywhere else to rant about it. I promise it's not anything terrible.
The work stuff.. so work has been crazy busy the past week or maybe two.. I have no sense of time lately. I don't know if it's new clients/doctors or if it's the time of year (everyone is going to rehab and getting drug tested maybe?). Friday I get to work and after a little bit the boss says we're having a meeting.. which was awkward because the conference room was taken, so we just had it over in the corner. Anyway, they're planning on restructuring the department in the new year as part of the plan for when we relocate to the new building. The new building is going to be set up with group cubicles.. and because of this they want to set up each of these little groups of analysts as a team with someone leading it.. and so they need leaders. That means they're creating a new position called senior analyst or senior toxicologist (or senior toxicology analyst.. not really sure.. it all depends on education.. but also depends on the day and who you ask what we are titled). They picked 3 from each shift, and I'm included! I'm happy because honestly I have been put in charge of answering questions and making decisions and various things many times both because of seniority and because of knowledge I guess.. and people like me more than the supervisor, but anyway I am not officially anything other than an analyst. Except starting in January, I will be. Not sure what this involves or if there's any sort of pay increase involved.. but I'll settle for the title.. This week they're starting yearly evaluations, so maybe I'll find out more then.. still nervous about that.
I also got an award (they do these little random awards) and Target gift card for doing extra work. I felt like a bitch because I had been jealous that people got gift cards at the thanksgiving dinner thing that I didn't go to.. turns out I would have gotten this then, but I didn't go (I too a vacation day). Yeah... oh well..
Ok so the little rant.. my parents are coming to terms with having a vegan daughter. Like they're being understanding.. and I'm trying to be understanding.. which is hard at times because i'm stressed about food. Like I want them to get that if we go out to eat, they can order an appetizer and I don't have to have one.. since frequently I can't. I didn't realize how clueless they were though.. but then I'm still pretty clueless I guess. Like my dad's birthday was today but we celebrated yesterday. We were going out to dinner, but the issue of cake came up.. I said we could make something.. but I don't think anyone wanted to bake. I said we could have ice cream. My mom exclaimed rather emphatically "You can't have ice cream. You can't have dairy".. I calmly explained that they make non-dairy ice cream with soy and almond and cashew milks. She said she didn't want to eat almond milk ice cream (she hates almonds). I said I didn't say she had to.. she could have whatever. I am currently sticking to the idea/philosophy/whatever you want to call it that they can eat what they want, and I am not going to force my ideas on them.. now.. if we have a repeat of my mom's birthday dinner (back in October) where she asks at the dinner table if it's ok to eat veal because she is trying to convince herself it is ok to order it... I am not likely to be polite again (I told them to please change the topic) because seriously WHAT THE FUCK.
Interestingly, my mom said to me at dinner that she has tried things she wouldn't otherwise because of this. Like she really liked my tofu dish.. and she and my brother discussed making it at home. So they are becoming open to the idea of vegetarian food at least.. and she tried a bite of the soy ice cream I had (they ate cake).
My brother.. so complete 180 from the veal discussion I guess. We had dinner another time and they brought up some restaurant and some dish they served. My mom went to describe it and my brother stopped her. I don't remember what he said but it amounted to that I didn't want to hear about lamb dishes (and one of the two of them commented that I was bothered by the concept of lamb even as a child). My mom asked if it bothered me for her to describe it.. I said that it didn't interest me to hear about meat dishes.. because basically (didn't say this part) I do not consider meat to be food.. or I am trying to foster the mindset that flesh and the food made from it is not food. Anyway.. later my mom said that when they were alone my brother got upset at her being insensitive and talking about meat to me like that. I am surprised. I was honestly expecting him to be one to challenge me about this.. but maybe not.
I am still working through my own moral dilemmas..
One is a simpler one to solve but it was not one I realized immediately and that is buying food for other people.. I like to feed people. I bring snacks to work every week. I used to buy chips, and every assortment of chips I bought contained either Doritos or Cheetos or both. I stopped eating them when I stopped eating dairy. Last week I bought a particular mix that contained no variety of chip that I could eat.. basically doritos, cheetos, sour cream and onion chips, and lays barbeque (which I have read contain chicken fat). Then over the course of the day I realized that even if I am not eating the chips... I still spent money on them. My money went exclusively to products that contain dairy or meat.. and in doing so I am potentially (if you believe an individual has power) influencing the company to continue making these products and continue purchasing dairy.
So there's a problem.. I have also realized it buying gifts.. so when I bought stuff for a gift exchange at work, I bought mainly non-food and one bar of certified vegan chocolate. Then buying snacks today, I bought pretzels and animal crackers which are dairy free.. so my money isn't going toward products I would not be willing to consume. It just took time to realize this was a problem
The more complicated problem.. well this is not 100% related.. but I cannot remember the last time I took my Wellbutrin.. or now my Lamictal. It is somewhat related because part of a vegan lifestyle is attempting to do nothing that promotes animal suffering, and all medications are tested on animals and therefore promote suffering. I also don't know what they contain in terms of inactive ingredients.. do they contain gelatin? a lot of pills do. I watched a video that talked about taking pills when medically necessary and I wondered if mental illness really counts.. or if I can actually stop these.. I mean clearly I can because I have. I am still taking my seroquel and I am taking my synthroid which is medical not mental, but I have been probably a month at least without the wellbutrin and a few weeks without the mood stabilizer. i am thinking of calling my psychiatrist and trying to find out about weaning myself off the serqoquel for sleep. Then maybe I can be on only the medically necessary medications... because I do feel like a hypocrite taking this many meds and ever using the word vegan. It's why I don't really use it in real life. I just say I don't eat dairy or eggs or meat because I cannot truly say I am vegan. I take medication that is tested on animals and contains unknown ingredients (yes, I could find them out, but that might make me feel worse)..
So yeah.. more dilemmas are fun..
And I am mostly functioning just fine.. Other than sleeping until 1pm and not going anywhere besides work.
The work stuff.. so work has been crazy busy the past week or maybe two.. I have no sense of time lately. I don't know if it's new clients/doctors or if it's the time of year (everyone is going to rehab and getting drug tested maybe?). Friday I get to work and after a little bit the boss says we're having a meeting.. which was awkward because the conference room was taken, so we just had it over in the corner. Anyway, they're planning on restructuring the department in the new year as part of the plan for when we relocate to the new building. The new building is going to be set up with group cubicles.. and because of this they want to set up each of these little groups of analysts as a team with someone leading it.. and so they need leaders. That means they're creating a new position called senior analyst or senior toxicologist (or senior toxicology analyst.. not really sure.. it all depends on education.. but also depends on the day and who you ask what we are titled). They picked 3 from each shift, and I'm included! I'm happy because honestly I have been put in charge of answering questions and making decisions and various things many times both because of seniority and because of knowledge I guess.. and people like me more than the supervisor, but anyway I am not officially anything other than an analyst. Except starting in January, I will be. Not sure what this involves or if there's any sort of pay increase involved.. but I'll settle for the title.. This week they're starting yearly evaluations, so maybe I'll find out more then.. still nervous about that.
I also got an award (they do these little random awards) and Target gift card for doing extra work. I felt like a bitch because I had been jealous that people got gift cards at the thanksgiving dinner thing that I didn't go to.. turns out I would have gotten this then, but I didn't go (I too a vacation day). Yeah... oh well..
Ok so the little rant.. my parents are coming to terms with having a vegan daughter. Like they're being understanding.. and I'm trying to be understanding.. which is hard at times because i'm stressed about food. Like I want them to get that if we go out to eat, they can order an appetizer and I don't have to have one.. since frequently I can't. I didn't realize how clueless they were though.. but then I'm still pretty clueless I guess. Like my dad's birthday was today but we celebrated yesterday. We were going out to dinner, but the issue of cake came up.. I said we could make something.. but I don't think anyone wanted to bake. I said we could have ice cream. My mom exclaimed rather emphatically "You can't have ice cream. You can't have dairy".. I calmly explained that they make non-dairy ice cream with soy and almond and cashew milks. She said she didn't want to eat almond milk ice cream (she hates almonds). I said I didn't say she had to.. she could have whatever. I am currently sticking to the idea/philosophy/whatever you want to call it that they can eat what they want, and I am not going to force my ideas on them.. now.. if we have a repeat of my mom's birthday dinner (back in October) where she asks at the dinner table if it's ok to eat veal because she is trying to convince herself it is ok to order it... I am not likely to be polite again (I told them to please change the topic) because seriously WHAT THE FUCK.
Interestingly, my mom said to me at dinner that she has tried things she wouldn't otherwise because of this. Like she really liked my tofu dish.. and she and my brother discussed making it at home. So they are becoming open to the idea of vegetarian food at least.. and she tried a bite of the soy ice cream I had (they ate cake).
My brother.. so complete 180 from the veal discussion I guess. We had dinner another time and they brought up some restaurant and some dish they served. My mom went to describe it and my brother stopped her. I don't remember what he said but it amounted to that I didn't want to hear about lamb dishes (and one of the two of them commented that I was bothered by the concept of lamb even as a child). My mom asked if it bothered me for her to describe it.. I said that it didn't interest me to hear about meat dishes.. because basically (didn't say this part) I do not consider meat to be food.. or I am trying to foster the mindset that flesh and the food made from it is not food. Anyway.. later my mom said that when they were alone my brother got upset at her being insensitive and talking about meat to me like that. I am surprised. I was honestly expecting him to be one to challenge me about this.. but maybe not.
I am still working through my own moral dilemmas..
One is a simpler one to solve but it was not one I realized immediately and that is buying food for other people.. I like to feed people. I bring snacks to work every week. I used to buy chips, and every assortment of chips I bought contained either Doritos or Cheetos or both. I stopped eating them when I stopped eating dairy. Last week I bought a particular mix that contained no variety of chip that I could eat.. basically doritos, cheetos, sour cream and onion chips, and lays barbeque (which I have read contain chicken fat). Then over the course of the day I realized that even if I am not eating the chips... I still spent money on them. My money went exclusively to products that contain dairy or meat.. and in doing so I am potentially (if you believe an individual has power) influencing the company to continue making these products and continue purchasing dairy.
So there's a problem.. I have also realized it buying gifts.. so when I bought stuff for a gift exchange at work, I bought mainly non-food and one bar of certified vegan chocolate. Then buying snacks today, I bought pretzels and animal crackers which are dairy free.. so my money isn't going toward products I would not be willing to consume. It just took time to realize this was a problem
The more complicated problem.. well this is not 100% related.. but I cannot remember the last time I took my Wellbutrin.. or now my Lamictal. It is somewhat related because part of a vegan lifestyle is attempting to do nothing that promotes animal suffering, and all medications are tested on animals and therefore promote suffering. I also don't know what they contain in terms of inactive ingredients.. do they contain gelatin? a lot of pills do. I watched a video that talked about taking pills when medically necessary and I wondered if mental illness really counts.. or if I can actually stop these.. I mean clearly I can because I have. I am still taking my seroquel and I am taking my synthroid which is medical not mental, but I have been probably a month at least without the wellbutrin and a few weeks without the mood stabilizer. i am thinking of calling my psychiatrist and trying to find out about weaning myself off the serqoquel for sleep. Then maybe I can be on only the medically necessary medications... because I do feel like a hypocrite taking this many meds and ever using the word vegan. It's why I don't really use it in real life. I just say I don't eat dairy or eggs or meat because I cannot truly say I am vegan. I take medication that is tested on animals and contains unknown ingredients (yes, I could find them out, but that might make me feel worse)..
So yeah.. more dilemmas are fun..
And I am mostly functioning just fine.. Other than sleeping until 1pm and not going anywhere besides work.
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