I should most definitely be in bed.. or taking some steps towards going to bed by now, but I'm not.. there are both sane and insane or practical and impractical reasons for why I'm not. The practical/sane reason is that I haven't taken my meds yet, and currently I am convinced that I will puke if I try to take a pill because I'm really nauseous.. and I'll get to why in a moment. The reasons why have a lot to do with all the insane reasons I'm not going to bed.
One reason I'm probably nauseous is that I haven't eaten today. I have apparently gotten back into the habit of skipping meals or skipping days of eating. Monday I ate 1.5 gingersnaps because my sponsor asked me to, and then I didn't eat again until Wednesday night.. where at work I ate a slice of cheese (because I fail at being vegan) and a roll with mustard.. and a bag of skittles. That was around 10pm. Then I went home and binged and purged. Thursday I ate meals and then binged and purged.. today I haven't eaten. I felt bad today because I have a very sweet (although at times very annoying) coworker who was saying her wife has been cooking more vegan meals lately.. and she knows I'm vegan (the annoying thing is how often she brings up this topic). She asked if I'd like to try the food when she makes new things and offered to bring me some.. This was thankfully over the instant messenger we use and not out loud because it took me about a million tries to type a response. I didn't want to say yes because I really don't want the food. I didn't want to just say no because it is an extremely sweet offer, and I don't want her to think it is anything personal. I finally said that I have some problems (mental) with food and have been having a hard time eating.. so probably not. I don't know if that translates to "I have an eating disorder" in her mind, but it was easier to say that way.. and she said ok and if there was any way she can help to let her know. So.. given how much she likes to bring up me being vegan.. I really hope she does not decide to bring this up. I just really didn't want someone bringing me food on days I decide not to eat.
So onwards.. Where things get stupider is that after a day of not eating, I decided to come home and gather 2 bags of trash and clean my bathroom.. both cleaning the toilet and the sink and around and using a cleaner with bleach in it in a very small bathroom with the door closed.. so that is probably also the cause of the nausea. The reason behind the sudden cleaning spree has to do with the title of the post.. I don't know how much I've talked about it really.. some I know.. definitely have not (and will not) shown you all what my apartment looks like. In my drinking, it became a complete mess.. I spent my time blacked out, so I didn't clean. Then honestly in sobriety for a while it was just too overwhelming to deal with it because the mess was caused by my drinking and all wrapped up in those memories.. and I just hate so many things in my apartment. Plus, some things I just couldn't do myself.. like I have a couch that at one point I had to throw out one of the cushions because when I was drunk I threw up on it.. so I simply threw out the cushion rather than dealing with it because I didn't discover this until waking up the next morning. Well, the couch is ugly and pointless without that cushion.. but I cannot on my own carry it out of my apartment, so I still have it.. and it has just kind of gathered stuff on it since then.
Add to it all that I have a bit of a shopping problem? Maybe.. I don't know.. I buy things.. odds and end.. nothing expensive, and that stuff built up over time. I shopped to kill time before I drank. I shopped because I couldn't stand to be in the apartment. I also have this tendency to buy food and never eat it.. When I first got sober, a good friend in the program offered when I was ready to help me clean.. so did my sponsor. Honestly, I didn't really want my sponsor to do it because one time she made a comment about my apartment looking like someone else's that she knew.. and while I don't think she meant it to be mean, it was judgemental.. you know? And any level of judgment was hard. I just never let them come. Well, tomorrow they're coming over.. and what I told them is basically that other than my TV and computer (and bed and such because honestly the bedroom I've dealt with) I just want it all gone. I don't care what gets thrown out. I don't care about the stuff. I don't care about any food I've bought. I am not in a financial situation where I cannot afford to buy more food.. and if I haven't used these things or eaten this food, then I don't think I will. I don't want the couch. Honestly, anything else they think should go.. fine. A bed, a TV, and a computer.. plus the animals obviously.. and I can start over from that.
But we'll see what happens. Maybe I'll break down and not let them do it. Maybe I'll break down and cry in a corner. Maybe it will be fine. Tonight I dealt with the bathroom.. because honestly I don't want them dealing with that. I took out some trash in the hopes they would judge me less. I am not sure if it's the cleaning or the feelings making me want to puke right now.. maybe eating would help, but I have this fear they will make me eat tomorrow.. so why not wait until then. I just need to be able to swallow one more pill tonight so I can sleep.
Saturday, January 23, 2016
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
Crying
I do not know what is going on with my head these days. I really feel that I am going mad. Like I am truly losing it. I can't really explain this.
The newest thing is the crying. I think I've mentioned at least one instance (the Target one?) so sorry for repeating myself. I have been crying at weird times and for weird or unknown reasons. I left my sponsor's house, and I started crying in my car driving to Target. Loneliness? Feeling misunderstood because she didn't seem to get how bad things are?
Then yesterday.. I admitted to skipping one of my meds, and she said she thinks it's sabotaging myself. She asked me to make a fears list and we could discuss it after I got off work. Well I get off work and text her to see if she still wants me to come over. She says yes but she needs to drive someone home and will be home soon. I stop at a store and say I'll be over then. On my way, she calls and cancels.. says she wants to stay and talk to this person, it's late and this isn't something we should do when we're tired, various excuses.. she says we can meet today. I wonder if she thought I didn't do the list because I did text her I couldn't write much because I was doing it at work (which is true), but I did it. This time I think I was right to be upset. I wrote down all these fears that may be behind my behaviors, and she decided she didn't want to see me at the time she was supposed to be at her house to meet me. I hung up the phone and started crying.
Today.. we went over the list. I didn't cry until we were discussing the fact that I'm mixing diet pills/caffeine/ephedrine. She said a heart only has so many beats and to save some for her and the other friend I have there. I lost it. Just the idea of living and someone wanting me alive. It happened again when the other friend asked me after the meeting if I wanted to hang out. I said no.. I don't really remember what else I said before I was just sobbing. So I think I have her pretty worried now, but I'm starting to think it's justified. Anytime anyone mentions caring about me or I think about it or I think about living, I cry. I am not really suicidal, but I feel very desperate not to feel like that when it happens. I'm wondering if I should just tell my sponsor or my friend that I'm cutting again or if it's not really important since they can't do anything.
But in other news, I am the lowest weight I have been in a long time. I also discovered that I can wrap my thumb and pinky finger around my wrist now. So that's good. I do keep getting dizzy and a tight feeling in my chest, so I should probably be drinking more water.
Saturday, January 16, 2016
Just need to talk.. does this count as talking?
Not really sure why I am writing tonight. I feel like I should.. or really I feel like I need to talk to someone, but my ability to talk to people is pretty much gone. Texting people is even hard now. I cannot imagine making a phone call.. or answering one. Like I emailed a place looking at a new psychiatrist. The office called yesterday, and I didn't answer. Admittedly, I was still in bed when they called, but I didn't call back. I can't even call someone's receptionist.I may try again Monday, but honestly knowing myself I will put it off longer than that. Maybe they will call again, and I will answer because answering is slightly less terrifying than dialing.
The texting thing.. for a long time my sponsor used to text me to check if I took my meds. Eventually this stopped, and then eventually I stopped taking them (not because she stopped.. I am NOT blaming that). Well, when she wanted me to start them again, I said that I take most of them late at night and maybe it would be better if I texted her when I've taken them. This has been making me anxious because I am texting her at midnight or 1am usually, but the one time I didn't text her she called me the next morning about it. She has told me before that texts don't wake her up. Yesterday, I decided to text her that I think I've been taking them long enough again that it would be ok for me to stop texting her about it everyday. That I would be ok. It took me a while to actually write that whole text and send it because I didn't think it would be well received. Either she would simply say no, or she would think that something was wrong. Honestly, something probably is wrong. I sent the text and wanted to cry (and I did this while at work). She responded that she liked hearing from me everyday.. I said that I felt bad for texting so much.
Oh and then all that texting made me debate last night if I should really send the text about my meds since I had already texted her multiple times that day. Finally she texted me something ("with earnest awareness.." was the message and I'm not sure what she meant). I said I had taken my meds but my head was in a crazy place. She said we'd talk about it tomorrow (meaning today)
Anyway.. I don't know why texting her so much bothers me.. and texting her "so much" is once a day. This is my sponsor, who I am supposed to be calling everyday, and I feel terrible guilt over one text. I think lately some of it is that I feel like there is so much I want to tell her that i'm not. All I text is that I took my meds. I am not telling her that I'm depressed. I am not telling her that at times I am having suicidal thoughts. I am not telling her that I have been cutting again. I am not telling her that the eating disorder decided it was a brilliant idea to write "FAT PIG" in giant letters in permanent marker on my thighs, so I've been looking at that for days because it hasn't washed off completely yet. I am not telling anyone a whole lot of things right now, but I know they're bad.
Today I went to an AA meeting, and it was not a pleasant meeting. I mean not a happy meeting.. and I cried a little. I didn't speak. Afterwards my sponsor said I could go to her house for a while to watch TV, and I ended up going.. I didn't end up saying anything much while I was there. I finally left because she needed to go somewhere. I started crying in my car after I left.. I was driving to Target and crying.. wtf? I didn't know what to do about it. I couldn't really call her. I didn't know who else to call. I ended up telling myself that soon I would be home with food and that would numb things, and I would be fine. I'm binging now, and I'm ok.. not ok, but I'm well enough. I am telling you this (whoever ends up reading this) because at least that's something, and now I am going to go eat waffles.
The texting thing.. for a long time my sponsor used to text me to check if I took my meds. Eventually this stopped, and then eventually I stopped taking them (not because she stopped.. I am NOT blaming that). Well, when she wanted me to start them again, I said that I take most of them late at night and maybe it would be better if I texted her when I've taken them. This has been making me anxious because I am texting her at midnight or 1am usually, but the one time I didn't text her she called me the next morning about it. She has told me before that texts don't wake her up. Yesterday, I decided to text her that I think I've been taking them long enough again that it would be ok for me to stop texting her about it everyday. That I would be ok. It took me a while to actually write that whole text and send it because I didn't think it would be well received. Either she would simply say no, or she would think that something was wrong. Honestly, something probably is wrong. I sent the text and wanted to cry (and I did this while at work). She responded that she liked hearing from me everyday.. I said that I felt bad for texting so much.
Oh and then all that texting made me debate last night if I should really send the text about my meds since I had already texted her multiple times that day. Finally she texted me something ("with earnest awareness.." was the message and I'm not sure what she meant). I said I had taken my meds but my head was in a crazy place. She said we'd talk about it tomorrow (meaning today)
Anyway.. I don't know why texting her so much bothers me.. and texting her "so much" is once a day. This is my sponsor, who I am supposed to be calling everyday, and I feel terrible guilt over one text. I think lately some of it is that I feel like there is so much I want to tell her that i'm not. All I text is that I took my meds. I am not telling her that I'm depressed. I am not telling her that at times I am having suicidal thoughts. I am not telling her that I have been cutting again. I am not telling her that the eating disorder decided it was a brilliant idea to write "FAT PIG" in giant letters in permanent marker on my thighs, so I've been looking at that for days because it hasn't washed off completely yet. I am not telling anyone a whole lot of things right now, but I know they're bad.
Today I went to an AA meeting, and it was not a pleasant meeting. I mean not a happy meeting.. and I cried a little. I didn't speak. Afterwards my sponsor said I could go to her house for a while to watch TV, and I ended up going.. I didn't end up saying anything much while I was there. I finally left because she needed to go somewhere. I started crying in my car after I left.. I was driving to Target and crying.. wtf? I didn't know what to do about it. I couldn't really call her. I didn't know who else to call. I ended up telling myself that soon I would be home with food and that would numb things, and I would be fine. I'm binging now, and I'm ok.. not ok, but I'm well enough. I am telling you this (whoever ends up reading this) because at least that's something, and now I am going to go eat waffles.
Friday, January 15, 2016
Oh how I hate my psychiatrist
For a couple years I guess I have been seeing the same psychiatrist.. not sure exactly how long. I switched to him after I got tired of the ultimatums the previous one was giving me.. if I didn't quit drinking, she wouldn't see me. If I kept cutting, she wouldn't see me. She never stopped seeing me or prescribing my meds, but she kept threatening it. It was frustrating. I mean she had no practical solutions for me, just lots of threats. So i switched to someone who specializes in addiction in the hope that either he could help me or at least have a bit more understanding for my situation.
Don't get me wrong.. he is not terrible. I have had worse. It is the same problem before that he doesn't seem to have very high hopes for me.. he was willing to try lots of things to help the drinking. We did the Vivitrol shot, naltrexone (the oral kind), topamax, and various other things... so he was definitely more understanding that I couldn't just quit drinking. He did seem a bit baffled that I didn't really have physical cravings for alcohol the way others do.. it's a psychological thing. I never could explain that well. Also, none of the medications really helped. He didn't seem surprised when rehab failed and hospital stays failed. He was not a big fan of AA I think.. I mean he never pushed me to go, and he didn't seem interested that i was going. When I was 6 months sober (I think I wrote about this) he basically told me that wasn't good enough. That wasn't a long time. At 9 months he finally seemed surprised and pleased with me. However, after I got sober he just kinda stopped listening to me. I'd say I was more depressed, and he'd say that is to be expected. I'd say I was having trouble sleeping, and he didn't really do anything. He kept commenting on my weight loss despite me telling him more than once that i have an eating disorder. I'd say that.. we talked about it briefly (I didn't expect him to do anything about it. I wanted him to shut the fuck up). Then a couple months later he'd ask how much I'd lost and say he hopes I was doing it for the right reasons. Seriously? I gave up on that. But our appointments basically involved me sitting there for less than 5 minutes.. I might try to say something, and he would just kinda blow it off. Then he would refill my meds and say I will see you in 2 months.
This week.. Well it had been 2 months, and for at least a month of that I was not taking my medication.. probably longer than that. I honestly don't think I was taking everything when I saw him the last time, but I didn't say anything about it. I had texted my sponsor the day before about whether or not I should tell him because it felt pointless.. she said I should. So I told him that i stopped my medications for a month or so. His response was "Well, weren't we planning on tapering off them anyway?" To which my response was No.. not that I was ever aware of. I said I had started them again. He said the goal was to eventually be on less medications at least. Honestly, this is less medications for me.. I've been so overly medicated by previous psychiatrists that this isn't that bad to me. I mean the topamax is entirely unneccessary I think, but I want it because I think it helps suppress my appetite.. but the rest I see no problem with. I did say I'm bothered by needing the seroquel to sleep. He didn't say anything about that.. He filled everything. He started talking about how I should do TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation). He said my insurance covers it now. He then basically invited in the person that does it and sent me to fill out paperwork. I said I didn't want to say yes to this. I mean 1. I am sure it will still be expensive 2. I am not thrilled with the idea of anything that makes permanent changes to my brain and it is not an impulse decision and 3 it would involve driving there (an hour each way) 5 days a week for 6 weeks. That's ridiculous. He did finally say that maybe if there's somewhere closer, they could just do a referral.. and still sent me to do the paperwork for it to see if my insurance would pay. I honestly think he wants me to do it because he probably gets money from it since it's out of the same practice. I don't think he wants it because he thinks it will be the thing that fixes my depression. I mean he said it could work or at least not make things worse.. and there's no side effects.. but it was not a convincing speech.
So I did the little evaluation (that lady was nice at least).. and now I'm looking for a new psychiatrist. I mean at no point did he seem at all concerned that i took myself off my meds suddenly.. or started them again suddenly. At no point did he really ask how my mood was.. or my behaviors.. (I've been cutting again..). No, he just decided to try to convince me to do this thing that he probably gets money for. He talked about reducing my medication, but he didn't do that.. I am pretty sure he is supposed to be concerned that i am not being compliant with my medication. I mean I am diagnosed with major depressive disorder, recurrent, severe.. with multiple hospital stays because I was suicidal or self destructive. Several of those resulted from me stopping my medication.. but he doesn't seem concerned.
Part of me is a bit nervous about finding someone else.. for multiple reasons. He was very tolerant of me while I was drinking.. my old psychiatrist had a point that prescribing me all these meds while I was drinking that much was dangerous. He was ok with it. If I were to ever relapse, I run the risk of another psychiatrist firing me as a patient for that.. or for being non-compliant. Also.. I have been known to manipulate doctors. I had one prescribing me ritalin (methylphenidate) for fatigue.. which doesn't really make sense. (actually it was my therapist's idea but that was probably because of me). I had another prescribing me benzos while I was drinking which is dangerous. This guy specializes in addictions, so I'm pretty sure I could no convince him to give me either benzos or amphetamines.. so I haven't tried. I have planned out what I might say in my head a few times.. mainly thinking of how to get some kind of amphetamine. They do prescribe phentermine for binge eating disorder.. so I wondered if I could convince him to give me that for the bulimia.. but I don't think he'd fall for it. But you see my point? My brain does come up with these things.. and I've gotten psychiatrists to fall for things before. I seem a lot more trustworthy than I really am. Really, I have an addictive personality and should not be prescribed any addictive medications for anxiety.. and really I have an eating disorder and would LOVE to have something that would help me lose more weight. (The other argument in my head is that maybe I could convince a doctor that it would be safer to give me phentermine than for me to keep taking diet pills and ephedrine containing allergy pills)
But I think my frustration with him has won this time. I am tired of him not listening. I am not happy with him pushing the TMS thing suddenly like I should just decide on the spot. That's kinda like I stopped seeing one psychiatrist pretty soon after he mentioned ECT. Also, I think I do need a psychiatrist that understands that it probably is not a realistic option for me to not take medication. Me not taking medication has NEVER ended well. It just varies how long it takes for me to go nuts. He really just doesn't give a shit as long as I'm sober.. Maybe he doesn't understand that my problems started long before I started drinking. Drinking is a symptom not a cause. It has since been replaced by other symptoms. I'm rambling.. but it is frustrating to think of starting over. I hate even thinking of that question they ask about what meds you have taken. I have taken nearly everything. The lady doing the TMS evaluation thing kept asking me how many times a day and what dosage of things I took.. like I remember.. I've been on meds for 14 years. I don't remember. I can probably tell you if I've taken something. I might be able to tell you why I stopped taking it.. but the rest is a blur. Maybe I should just say it that way to be clear, or does that make me sound bitchy? Maybe assertive is the correct word.. not bitchy.
Don't get me wrong.. he is not terrible. I have had worse. It is the same problem before that he doesn't seem to have very high hopes for me.. he was willing to try lots of things to help the drinking. We did the Vivitrol shot, naltrexone (the oral kind), topamax, and various other things... so he was definitely more understanding that I couldn't just quit drinking. He did seem a bit baffled that I didn't really have physical cravings for alcohol the way others do.. it's a psychological thing. I never could explain that well. Also, none of the medications really helped. He didn't seem surprised when rehab failed and hospital stays failed. He was not a big fan of AA I think.. I mean he never pushed me to go, and he didn't seem interested that i was going. When I was 6 months sober (I think I wrote about this) he basically told me that wasn't good enough. That wasn't a long time. At 9 months he finally seemed surprised and pleased with me. However, after I got sober he just kinda stopped listening to me. I'd say I was more depressed, and he'd say that is to be expected. I'd say I was having trouble sleeping, and he didn't really do anything. He kept commenting on my weight loss despite me telling him more than once that i have an eating disorder. I'd say that.. we talked about it briefly (I didn't expect him to do anything about it. I wanted him to shut the fuck up). Then a couple months later he'd ask how much I'd lost and say he hopes I was doing it for the right reasons. Seriously? I gave up on that. But our appointments basically involved me sitting there for less than 5 minutes.. I might try to say something, and he would just kinda blow it off. Then he would refill my meds and say I will see you in 2 months.
This week.. Well it had been 2 months, and for at least a month of that I was not taking my medication.. probably longer than that. I honestly don't think I was taking everything when I saw him the last time, but I didn't say anything about it. I had texted my sponsor the day before about whether or not I should tell him because it felt pointless.. she said I should. So I told him that i stopped my medications for a month or so. His response was "Well, weren't we planning on tapering off them anyway?" To which my response was No.. not that I was ever aware of. I said I had started them again. He said the goal was to eventually be on less medications at least. Honestly, this is less medications for me.. I've been so overly medicated by previous psychiatrists that this isn't that bad to me. I mean the topamax is entirely unneccessary I think, but I want it because I think it helps suppress my appetite.. but the rest I see no problem with. I did say I'm bothered by needing the seroquel to sleep. He didn't say anything about that.. He filled everything. He started talking about how I should do TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation). He said my insurance covers it now. He then basically invited in the person that does it and sent me to fill out paperwork. I said I didn't want to say yes to this. I mean 1. I am sure it will still be expensive 2. I am not thrilled with the idea of anything that makes permanent changes to my brain and it is not an impulse decision and 3 it would involve driving there (an hour each way) 5 days a week for 6 weeks. That's ridiculous. He did finally say that maybe if there's somewhere closer, they could just do a referral.. and still sent me to do the paperwork for it to see if my insurance would pay. I honestly think he wants me to do it because he probably gets money from it since it's out of the same practice. I don't think he wants it because he thinks it will be the thing that fixes my depression. I mean he said it could work or at least not make things worse.. and there's no side effects.. but it was not a convincing speech.
So I did the little evaluation (that lady was nice at least).. and now I'm looking for a new psychiatrist. I mean at no point did he seem at all concerned that i took myself off my meds suddenly.. or started them again suddenly. At no point did he really ask how my mood was.. or my behaviors.. (I've been cutting again..). No, he just decided to try to convince me to do this thing that he probably gets money for. He talked about reducing my medication, but he didn't do that.. I am pretty sure he is supposed to be concerned that i am not being compliant with my medication. I mean I am diagnosed with major depressive disorder, recurrent, severe.. with multiple hospital stays because I was suicidal or self destructive. Several of those resulted from me stopping my medication.. but he doesn't seem concerned.
Part of me is a bit nervous about finding someone else.. for multiple reasons. He was very tolerant of me while I was drinking.. my old psychiatrist had a point that prescribing me all these meds while I was drinking that much was dangerous. He was ok with it. If I were to ever relapse, I run the risk of another psychiatrist firing me as a patient for that.. or for being non-compliant. Also.. I have been known to manipulate doctors. I had one prescribing me ritalin (methylphenidate) for fatigue.. which doesn't really make sense. (actually it was my therapist's idea but that was probably because of me). I had another prescribing me benzos while I was drinking which is dangerous. This guy specializes in addictions, so I'm pretty sure I could no convince him to give me either benzos or amphetamines.. so I haven't tried. I have planned out what I might say in my head a few times.. mainly thinking of how to get some kind of amphetamine. They do prescribe phentermine for binge eating disorder.. so I wondered if I could convince him to give me that for the bulimia.. but I don't think he'd fall for it. But you see my point? My brain does come up with these things.. and I've gotten psychiatrists to fall for things before. I seem a lot more trustworthy than I really am. Really, I have an addictive personality and should not be prescribed any addictive medications for anxiety.. and really I have an eating disorder and would LOVE to have something that would help me lose more weight. (The other argument in my head is that maybe I could convince a doctor that it would be safer to give me phentermine than for me to keep taking diet pills and ephedrine containing allergy pills)
But I think my frustration with him has won this time. I am tired of him not listening. I am not happy with him pushing the TMS thing suddenly like I should just decide on the spot. That's kinda like I stopped seeing one psychiatrist pretty soon after he mentioned ECT. Also, I think I do need a psychiatrist that understands that it probably is not a realistic option for me to not take medication. Me not taking medication has NEVER ended well. It just varies how long it takes for me to go nuts. He really just doesn't give a shit as long as I'm sober.. Maybe he doesn't understand that my problems started long before I started drinking. Drinking is a symptom not a cause. It has since been replaced by other symptoms. I'm rambling.. but it is frustrating to think of starting over. I hate even thinking of that question they ask about what meds you have taken. I have taken nearly everything. The lady doing the TMS evaluation thing kept asking me how many times a day and what dosage of things I took.. like I remember.. I've been on meds for 14 years. I don't remember. I can probably tell you if I've taken something. I might be able to tell you why I stopped taking it.. but the rest is a blur. Maybe I should just say it that way to be clear, or does that make me sound bitchy? Maybe assertive is the correct word.. not bitchy.
Saturday, January 9, 2016
One year
My sobriety date is January 9th 2015, which makes today my one year AA birthday. It is very hard to believe it has been a year.. in part because I am still baffled by the fact that I am sober. I wonder if other people are too.
Last year I stopped drinking the weekend before the Spring semester started because at that point I couldn't hide it anymore. My hands would shake constantly.. and not just my hands, my legs, and even my face would twitch. I had almost zero short term memory.. I constantly repeated stories to people because I honestly couldn't remember telling them. I kept losing words and switching them out when I spoke.. it was a mess. Over the past month or so I have been remembering all these things. I remember drinking in my car at my parent's house before going in.. hoping it would help the shakes. I remember drinking in my car in the church parking lot because I didn't think I could drive sober (I couldn't.. I would get disoriented). I should have probably been in the hospital again because my blood pressure was crazy high when I stopped drinking.. but I didn't have any time left, and I had gone so many times before.
I got my chip today at the women's meeting.. it's nice that it fell on the same day. My sponsor gave it to me.. and they did the usual "Tell us how you did it" thing and I didn't have much to say.. just that I remember learning about "yets" before coming to AA. I think I learned it in reference to eating disorders.. but you never say "I never did... " because really it is I haven't YET. There's always that possibility.. and I had started doing all those yets.. the day drinking, the driving after drinking, the hiding alcohol.. so many things.. and honestly I feel like by the time I stopped it was very much a life or death decision. Other people said things.. and I cried.. a lot. I put some people in that room through a great deal of pain by relapsing over and over. One woman even said that someone had told her that I wasn't going to get it.. not going to get the program. Apparently, I did, and that person didn't.. not sure who she was talking about. I remember going to a meeting last week and having someone tell my sponsor I was a walking miracle.. he had been around a lot when I was still going to 1-2 meetings a day and then drinking every night.
I spent the day with my sponsor.. in part because I had a little breakdown after the meeting (not going into that now), so she had me come home with her. Also because at some point she and my other good friend in the program had talked about (not sure who came up with the idea) getting tattoos when i was a year sober. I remember her saying something around the time I got my 6 month chip. I didn't know if that would happen.. but she texted me a couple days ago that I had better have the day off because they had the appointment at the tattoo parlor for today. They wanted to know if I would get one too (their treat), and I settled on this.. my sponsor got a quote, and my friend got a semi colon (if you look up semi colon project that will make sense).. I spent the afternoon deciding and this was something I had seen a while ago. I considered various quotes, but I didn't really want words. I have wanted a phoenix for a while.. I like the idea of rebirth and starting over.
So excuse my fat back and the weirdly posed picture (it's hard to take a photo of your own back).It didn't hurt very badly. I had been nervous because I was a bit nauseous because of anxiety over going and the fact that my sponsor insisted I eat beforehand.. and that was honestly as big a source of anxiety as the tattoo. I hadn't eaten anything since 4am, so she was probably right to make me.. Anyway.. it's late and I have typed this all out twice because blogger on my phone froze and I lost the whole thing, so I'm going to bed.
Last year I stopped drinking the weekend before the Spring semester started because at that point I couldn't hide it anymore. My hands would shake constantly.. and not just my hands, my legs, and even my face would twitch. I had almost zero short term memory.. I constantly repeated stories to people because I honestly couldn't remember telling them. I kept losing words and switching them out when I spoke.. it was a mess. Over the past month or so I have been remembering all these things. I remember drinking in my car at my parent's house before going in.. hoping it would help the shakes. I remember drinking in my car in the church parking lot because I didn't think I could drive sober (I couldn't.. I would get disoriented). I should have probably been in the hospital again because my blood pressure was crazy high when I stopped drinking.. but I didn't have any time left, and I had gone so many times before.
I got my chip today at the women's meeting.. it's nice that it fell on the same day. My sponsor gave it to me.. and they did the usual "Tell us how you did it" thing and I didn't have much to say.. just that I remember learning about "yets" before coming to AA. I think I learned it in reference to eating disorders.. but you never say "I never did... " because really it is I haven't YET. There's always that possibility.. and I had started doing all those yets.. the day drinking, the driving after drinking, the hiding alcohol.. so many things.. and honestly I feel like by the time I stopped it was very much a life or death decision. Other people said things.. and I cried.. a lot. I put some people in that room through a great deal of pain by relapsing over and over. One woman even said that someone had told her that I wasn't going to get it.. not going to get the program. Apparently, I did, and that person didn't.. not sure who she was talking about. I remember going to a meeting last week and having someone tell my sponsor I was a walking miracle.. he had been around a lot when I was still going to 1-2 meetings a day and then drinking every night.
I spent the day with my sponsor.. in part because I had a little breakdown after the meeting (not going into that now), so she had me come home with her. Also because at some point she and my other good friend in the program had talked about (not sure who came up with the idea) getting tattoos when i was a year sober. I remember her saying something around the time I got my 6 month chip. I didn't know if that would happen.. but she texted me a couple days ago that I had better have the day off because they had the appointment at the tattoo parlor for today. They wanted to know if I would get one too (their treat), and I settled on this.. my sponsor got a quote, and my friend got a semi colon (if you look up semi colon project that will make sense).. I spent the afternoon deciding and this was something I had seen a while ago. I considered various quotes, but I didn't really want words. I have wanted a phoenix for a while.. I like the idea of rebirth and starting over.
So excuse my fat back and the weirdly posed picture (it's hard to take a photo of your own back).It didn't hurt very badly. I had been nervous because I was a bit nauseous because of anxiety over going and the fact that my sponsor insisted I eat beforehand.. and that was honestly as big a source of anxiety as the tattoo. I hadn't eaten anything since 4am, so she was probably right to make me.. Anyway.. it's late and I have typed this all out twice because blogger on my phone froze and I lost the whole thing, so I'm going to bed.
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
New toy and poor choices
So anyone who reads that title is probably going to think this is about something much dirtier than it is.. but this is not about anything adult themed... just more eating disorder madness. I like the title though, so it's probably staying.
So last year in February I purchased my FitBit Charge. It was shortly after I got my current job and had money to spare. In a fairly short period of time I bough the Charge (activity tracker) and a used/kinda broken Aria scale. It doesn't do the body fat percentage, which is why it was so cheap on Ebay.. I got it because it automatically syncs my weight to the app. The Charge I bought shortly after managing to lose my Up24 and not being able to cope with not having something counting calories burned anymore. That time I opted for the Fitbit because it would use the same app as the scale, and it was great. Well.. by great I mean kinda terrible in a way because I was weighing myself more and pacing the apartment like a madwoman to get to my step goal.. but great.
Well, this year the Fitbit (charge) was looking a bit tattered.. the band was peeling away from it, and I had superglued it back in place.. but I was tired of how beat up it looked. I decided after Christmas i was going to use some money I was given to replace it. I debated whether or not to simply replace it with another one or something different. I didn't want to spring for the Charge HR because I really don't care about my heart rate, and honestly I was wondering if another Charge would end up the same way as mine did. So I did some research. I looked at the Up2 which is slightly less unattractive than the UP24 (that thing was ugly but I got it cheap) but still slightly ugly.. and it doesn't have a display on it. You have to open the app to see your steps and calories, and that also means it doesn't show the time like the FitBit which allowed it to replace my watch. So I would have had to get a watch too.. so that was out.. mainly because it was kinda ugly.This was the UP24 by the way.
Anyway long story short, I ended up with a Garmin Vivofit2.. because it's the same price as the Charge, it's water resistant (can wear it in the shower), and you can switch the band out.. so if it ever gets beat up, that can be replaced. Also.. they make some cute colored bands.
Here's the new one.
The problem was that it doesn't use the same app as my scale, so I would have to do things differently. I settled on MyFitnessPal because I can link both the scale for weight and the Garmin for steps/calories, and it's all in one place again... though this was a bit of a pain in the ass to get working properly since I had to unlink the Fitbit Charge.
Well, the fitbit app is really not very good in my mind for tracking food because so few things are in the results when you search, brands are impossible to find, and so many things I had to enter myself. I gave up on it after a while.. or used it occasionally but not daily. Well, this is different.. everything is entered in MyFitnessPal if you search calories, and it reminds me everyday to enter breakfast, lunch and dinner.. although.. lately those are not all occurring. It also sets the calorie goal lower.
I've started using it.. tracking everything pretty much except binges that are purged. I tell myself I don't want to see the calories if I eat an extra snack or a veggie burger at 2am, but I find myself tracking it anyway. And I kinda love the little nagging reminder that I haven't eaten enough calories. I pretty much only once in the past week have reached/exceeded the goal and then every time I have eaten less. Less can be 1000 calories in a day, or today it ended up being 179. It was one of those days where I entered food before work that I brought with me to eat, and then I ended up deleting some of it because I never ate it. Today's odd plan was 7 rice cakes, but I only managed 4 because I've been nauseous all day. I was actually frustrated because they sounded delicious (can that describe plain rice cakes?) when I bought them today, but I only ate the last couple to see if my stomach would settle.
And my weight is still dropping steadily. I failed at the cereal diet.. well one day I managed.. another I caved and ate a meal at work (vegan chili I had stuck in the freezer after not eating it when I first brought it) and chips. The other I ended up eating a veggie burger at 2am. So today I was supposed to not eat as punishment for the chili, but I decided the rice cakes were a reward for weight loss. My reward was rice cakes with mustard... I think maybe I'm dehydrated and just need to eat a big bowl of salt (kidding)
But this whole decision about tracking calories does not seem to be good for me. I'm searching to find the one entry for mustard that lists it as having calories because so many say zero. I'm entering the 4 calories for a mini warheads candy. So this probably isn't healthy, but I feel safer now. I did end up pacing my apartment once already to get to a certain number of calories burned.. but mostly am settling for the number being greater than what I've eaten, and that doesn't take much effort some days.
I also failed miserably at sleeping last night and laid in bed contemplating how completely pointless my life is. That was not pleasant.. so the nausea today is because of too little sleep, too little food, and too much caffeine I am sure.
So last year in February I purchased my FitBit Charge. It was shortly after I got my current job and had money to spare. In a fairly short period of time I bough the Charge (activity tracker) and a used/kinda broken Aria scale. It doesn't do the body fat percentage, which is why it was so cheap on Ebay.. I got it because it automatically syncs my weight to the app. The Charge I bought shortly after managing to lose my Up24 and not being able to cope with not having something counting calories burned anymore. That time I opted for the Fitbit because it would use the same app as the scale, and it was great. Well.. by great I mean kinda terrible in a way because I was weighing myself more and pacing the apartment like a madwoman to get to my step goal.. but great.
Well, this year the Fitbit (charge) was looking a bit tattered.. the band was peeling away from it, and I had superglued it back in place.. but I was tired of how beat up it looked. I decided after Christmas i was going to use some money I was given to replace it. I debated whether or not to simply replace it with another one or something different. I didn't want to spring for the Charge HR because I really don't care about my heart rate, and honestly I was wondering if another Charge would end up the same way as mine did. So I did some research. I looked at the Up2 which is slightly less unattractive than the UP24 (that thing was ugly but I got it cheap) but still slightly ugly.. and it doesn't have a display on it. You have to open the app to see your steps and calories, and that also means it doesn't show the time like the FitBit which allowed it to replace my watch. So I would have had to get a watch too.. so that was out.. mainly because it was kinda ugly.This was the UP24 by the way.
Anyway long story short, I ended up with a Garmin Vivofit2.. because it's the same price as the Charge, it's water resistant (can wear it in the shower), and you can switch the band out.. so if it ever gets beat up, that can be replaced. Also.. they make some cute colored bands.
Here's the new one.
The problem was that it doesn't use the same app as my scale, so I would have to do things differently. I settled on MyFitnessPal because I can link both the scale for weight and the Garmin for steps/calories, and it's all in one place again... though this was a bit of a pain in the ass to get working properly since I had to unlink the Fitbit Charge.
Well, the fitbit app is really not very good in my mind for tracking food because so few things are in the results when you search, brands are impossible to find, and so many things I had to enter myself. I gave up on it after a while.. or used it occasionally but not daily. Well, this is different.. everything is entered in MyFitnessPal if you search calories, and it reminds me everyday to enter breakfast, lunch and dinner.. although.. lately those are not all occurring. It also sets the calorie goal lower.
I've started using it.. tracking everything pretty much except binges that are purged. I tell myself I don't want to see the calories if I eat an extra snack or a veggie burger at 2am, but I find myself tracking it anyway. And I kinda love the little nagging reminder that I haven't eaten enough calories. I pretty much only once in the past week have reached/exceeded the goal and then every time I have eaten less. Less can be 1000 calories in a day, or today it ended up being 179. It was one of those days where I entered food before work that I brought with me to eat, and then I ended up deleting some of it because I never ate it. Today's odd plan was 7 rice cakes, but I only managed 4 because I've been nauseous all day. I was actually frustrated because they sounded delicious (can that describe plain rice cakes?) when I bought them today, but I only ate the last couple to see if my stomach would settle.
And my weight is still dropping steadily. I failed at the cereal diet.. well one day I managed.. another I caved and ate a meal at work (vegan chili I had stuck in the freezer after not eating it when I first brought it) and chips. The other I ended up eating a veggie burger at 2am. So today I was supposed to not eat as punishment for the chili, but I decided the rice cakes were a reward for weight loss. My reward was rice cakes with mustard... I think maybe I'm dehydrated and just need to eat a big bowl of salt (kidding)
But this whole decision about tracking calories does not seem to be good for me. I'm searching to find the one entry for mustard that lists it as having calories because so many say zero. I'm entering the 4 calories for a mini warheads candy. So this probably isn't healthy, but I feel safer now. I did end up pacing my apartment once already to get to a certain number of calories burned.. but mostly am settling for the number being greater than what I've eaten, and that doesn't take much effort some days.
I also failed miserably at sleeping last night and laid in bed contemplating how completely pointless my life is. That was not pleasant.. so the nausea today is because of too little sleep, too little food, and too much caffeine I am sure.
Sunday, January 3, 2016
Diets and paranoia
Not sure why I am writing this. It's kinda pointless. Also probably triggering and disordered.
So I guess I'm not eating a whole lot. Well, a lot by some standards but not healthy ones. I mean yesterday I binged and purged and otherwise ate nothing. Today I ate a serving (carefully counted) of fritos and one cup of cereal. It took me the 8 hours I was at work to actually finish the cereal.
I've been losing weight.. 6 pounds so far. That seems like too much, but I've weighed twice today on 2 scales (and twice yesterday on two scales). I do not trust my fitbit scale. It is terrible about changing whenever it's moved. It was in the kitchen because there was more space, but the cats kept walking on it. I worried that would affect it, so I moved it to the bathroom where there's very little room. Sometimes it's bumped by the door. One day I stepped on 3 times and got 3 different weights. I was obviously bothered. After thinking about it, I decided not to care. I would do my best not to move it, and even if the number isn't 100% right, it will show a gain or loss. The other scale I trust more because it always says I am the same or heavier but never lighter.
So anyway.. work today. I don't know why, but I got the feeling people were staring or looking at me strangely. I didn't know why. I checked my clothes, my face, my hair (which admittedly looks dry and frizzy and awful). Nothing looked that bad. It was really weird. I wondered if it is my weight. If it was that I was shaking from too much caffeine. Did I look tired? Was I simply imagining the whole thing? Probably that... But I couldn't help it. I do that.
I am hoping to make them stare because I've lost weight. I'm going to put myself on a diet consisting solely of cereal. Probably an awful idea, but I like it. It starts tomorrow... Or rather later today since it's past midnight.
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