Tired

I know I shouldn't complain because I know others may be worse off with regards to this, but I need to vent. I am so tired. When I drank, sleep was not an issue because alcohol + seroquel=blackout or at least sleep. In the hospital, I managed to sleep some nights (the Librium probably helped) and struggled others. I think I managed a few decent nights after discharge, but the past several have been terrible.

Part of the problem is work. I've worked late the past 3 nights. Friday until 2am (schedule is 3:30-12) and then didn't fall asleep until after 5. Saturday I worked until 1:30 and didn't sleep until around 5 again. Tonight I worked until 12:30, and it's 2am and I just got in bed. I also haven't been able to sleep past 10:30-11 despite going to sleep late. Tonight the issue is that I have to be at my first day of IOP at 8. I don't think IOP is a good idea. When I realized that most nights I at best work until around midnight, and I have to be at IOP 9 hours later. That means I pretty much need to go straight to bed when I get home, and that's pretty much impossible. I need some down time.

I also realized with IOP ending at noon and work starting at 3:30, I cannot go to AA if I want to except weekends. I feel like not doing IOP and committing to meetings makes more sense. AA helped before and treatment didn't. The issue is that my parents might get upset if I back out of the original plan and it's too big to lie about. I am thinking of calling and telling the IOP people I am sick and talking to my parents tomorrow, or I could go tomorrow and then Tuesday tell the IOP I can't do it... or maybe I need to give it a week and see if I end up as exhausted as I am expecting. I'm already exhausted, and I am afraid being tired and stressed is going to seem like the perfect excuse to drink.

It's already affecting me. At work, my coworkers got into this discussion about stuff like which shift works more or harder and how unfair it is and how we should be paid more. I said at least 5 times that they needed to change the topic. I finally got up and went downstairs. I found the 2 analysts that were downstairs and basically ranted about it. The thing is that people have gotten in serious trouble over this kind of talk, and I imagine bad things would happen if this discussion was mentioned to the manager. Sure, there are unfair things going on now.. the schedule changes, the working late, a lot of things.. but blaming an entire group for them when really only a few bosses have any power at all only breeds resentment and anger. I do not do well with anger. I was asked later by a coworker if I was upset about working weekends. I calmly said that I had survived several schedule changes without losing my Saturday off, but I knew this could happen. I said they have still been accommodating about another day I need off. She said that I was very calm/cool about it. That isn't entirely true. She just wasn't there when I first found out about working Saturday and started crying in front of the manager (thank god nobody else saw that)

So I don't know anymore. I should probably try to sleep now and maybe I can get 3-4 hours before facing IOP. I think I will go at least once, but I expect it will be better for me to do AA instead and that this schedule is not something I could maintain without eventually breaking down and doing something stupid and self destructive.

A lapse in honesty

I try to be an honest person. I will be the first to admit this is frequently not the case in the past couple years. In sobriety, it somewhat improved. Actually in this relapse, I only lied about how much I was drinking (not counting lying by omission). 

Well, I did something probably bad today... or rather I allowed it to happen. I saw my psychiatrist this morning. I initially did not intend to mention the bulimia, but he asked something about me switching behaviors from drinking to self harm. The behavior switching makes most sense if the eating disorder is included. I mentioned both restricting and binging and purging. SO in my defense, I told him about all the behaviors and even previous dramatic weight loss.

He then brought up the medication Vyvanse (lisdexamphetamine) and its use for binge eating. I actually knew a little about this.  Though mainly I had read about phentermine and binge eating. So I lied about knowing about this.. I had read about stimulants before because I wondered if I could convince a doctor to give them to me. This idea was why my ex sponsor offered to go to my first appointment when I first tried to change psychiatrists because left alone I probably could. He asked if I had taken any before, and I said no. I have though. Somehow my therapist and I convinced a psychiatrist to give me Ritalin (methylphenidate) for fatigue. It made me kinda crazy.. like obsessive and slightly manic, so I stopped taking it. I thought mentioning that would negatively impact my chance of getting the Vyvanse. He asked if I think I might have a little problem with ADHD, and I said maybe. The truth behind this all is I am hoping it will suppress my appetite and help me lose weight. He did comment that it could cause appetite loss, and so if I end up 95 pounds then I can't take it. Seriously? Triggering much?

So I got the prescription. I probably should have called my sponsor before going to the pharmacy. We'll see what happens.

In other news, I had my assessment for IOP. I start Monday. I could have started tomorrow, but I didn't want to start before the weekend. This gives me time to mentally prepare (as much as is possible) for it.. plus a few more days to sleep in. They wanted me in PHP but I really don't think I could handle 5 hours of therapy and then 8 at work. IOP is 3 hours and I get to see my own psychiatrist and therapist. She kept pushing that PHP I would get to see a doctor even though I had said I had a psychiatrist who I saw this morning. I gave up and just said it had to do with my work schedule.

I had dinner with my parents. Now I picked up my prescription and am binging.

July 5th

So I had a weird day. Last night I slept for about 14 hours.. I guess partly to make up for not sleeping the night before and partly not wanting to get up and face the world and probably b/p before work. I got to work to find only the manager there and a little while later my supervisor showed up. Apparently, he told everyone else not to come in because there was nothing to do. I am not bothered that he did that, but I almost wish I knew before work because it was just disconcerting to show up to that.  The lab was closed on the 4th, so there were no samples ready yet from yesterday. We just had to sit around for certain other samples that sometimes become available.. of which in the 2.5 hours I was there, I had 2 to close.. super busy, right?

Well, the rest of the shift was just awkward.. in many, many ways. It was one of those days that I hated sitting by the boss because I heard some phone conversations I probably didn't need to. One was mainly involving technical stuff that sounds like it's going to be a lot of work for them.. thankfully nothing to really do with me. The second involved another department where they may be changing the schedule and how that may cause them all to quit. During that one I awkwardly got up and went to hang out at the desk by my supervisor.. still could hear it though. My supervisor asked via instant messenger if she was talking about our department. I said no. I told him later what she was talking about. I didn't think I should do it over the messenger because the boss might see.

This is only my 2nd day back at work since I got out of the hospital Friday and the first time the boss has seen me. She asked how I was doing and said how much better I look. She said my skin looks a lot better.. which is true. I swear I started to look grey before I went in. Huge bags under my eyes despite sleeping 12 hours a day. She also complimented my hair (added a picture to the previous post) as did my supervisor. That made me happy because I worried people would think it was too bright

Well, she went home and things remained awkward. My supervisor kept talking about how his new addiction is buying scooters (like the motorized kind.. like vespas) and fixing them. Honestly, he's not wrong.. he has like 3 now and only 1 actually works. He's thinking of buying another. He brought up how he always has a problem with something. I said I know what he means.. I didn't elaborate. I mean technically I once mentioned having problems with food to him and he probably has caught on about the self harm.. especially since I went to work with one burn uncovered, so I was standing drinking coffee with that on my arm as well as the 2 other bandages. I don't know.. we talked about doctors and medications. I am not entirely sure I like what I'm on now. I see my psychiatrist Thursday.

Tomorrow I really need to call the hospital I am supposed to be doing IOP at. I just haven't. I really am not sure I want to do this IOP... it's a lot of time commitment and lately I am not convinced I want to stay sober. The daily binging and purging has made drinking sound a lot more appealing. I am also reminded how many times I have failed at treatment, so it seems inevitable that I will relapse. Why bother then? I have been in so much therapy. Plus, I am a little concerned that if they see the self harm or I mention it, they will recommend IP or refuse to let me do outpatient. I also feel like I can't relapse right now because I worried everyone at work so much. They seem so happy to have me back. It wouldn't take long for drinking to get me right back to the spot I was in a couple weeks ago.. and this time they might recognize what that means. They deserve better, and things are getting busier.. that means taking time off again really isn't an option.

So I will call.. and I will probably try the IOP for now. I can always quit. It's much easier to quit an outpatient program than deal with getting discharged from IP.

Caffeinated or crazy?

Well, I was a good girl and went to bed around 1am, which is better than the usual 4. It is now 8:45, and I have not had a minute of sleep.

I realize I had 2 cups of coffee and an energy drink at work, but still? I've taken my usual 400mg Seroquel (quetiapine), 750mg (I think) Depakote (valproic acid), 2 benadryl (although that was for my arms itching), 150mg of Trazodone. And apparently that just made me tired as hell but not actually let me sleep. Oh and I did take a Bronkaid (contains ephedrine) at around 9pm.. that probably gets added to the caffeine total.

I go a little crazy staring at the walls that long. Tonight's obsession was primarily binging and any other possible plans for today. Plans, of course, should probably not include lots of driving unless I get some sleep. I am thinking just Target and maybe buying hair dye if that store is open. I always get it at Sally's Beauty Supplies because I swear the ones where you buy dye and developer separate work better than the usual boxed kinds. I am bored with my current color and I think it's fading. Also one of my friends recently dyed her hair blue, and I'm jealous. Not going to dye mine blue, but I want something new now. Then I will probably binge because I have been obsessing all night about where to go.

For now I think I will give up on sleep and go shower. I left 3 out of 4 burns uncovered last night, and it seemed to be fine. That means work tomorrow I may try it. I am currently thinking (can you tell how much I think when I can't sleep?) that the burns actually may worry people less than mysterious bandages. Also, they itch less.

So I may write again later. Now I will shower to try to look presentable and go somewhere to acquire some caffeinated beverage.

This is random but that last sentence makes me think of this customer at the bank who I think was trying to flirt (?). And while I was working explained how to shotgun an energy drink. I got some interesting looks from coworkers after that conversation. Still have never tried that (with energy drinks or alcoholic beverages). It sounds rather tempting now, but I can finish an energy drink in less than 10 minutes anyway. Not sure why I felt the need to tell that story. The guy was kinda cute.

Also, why is it that right when I decide to get out of bed, both cats decide to lay on me so I feel like an asshole for making them move? This happens so often. Oh well, I love them even if they're inconsiderate at times.

 And in case you wanted a picture of my cats butt. Nermal is by my feet.

Adding this later, but this is my new hair color. I don't think the picture does justice to how bright it turned out. It's Clairol's Chroma True Reds line in Ruby. I almost bought one of the red-violet ones but wimped out. Still really like it though

Back to work

Today was my first day back at work since discharge on Friday. I am scheduled Saturday but took the day off. It was a weird day. Tomorrow is Independence Day in the US, and so the boss wanted everything finished today. That meant it was rather frantic. I was super anxious just being there and felt like I was trying to interpret everyone's facial expressions and actions. The shifts overlapped, so several people worked in a separate room, which made it worse because I hate not being able to hear conversations.

I decided not to bother trying to cover the bandages on my arms (see last post). They are pretty obvious although I used the sort of tape that only sticks to itself which I feel looks better than normal cloth tape because it hides the gauze or pad underneath. I also used it because I tend to get a rash from adhesive on some tape. They still itch like crazy and I kept scratching, but at least they're healing nicely.

I know people saw them. I did notice them looking, although my mind probably exaggerates how much. The only comment I got was about how awesome that kind of tape is. I told myself I would cover the burns for a week and then reassess, but 2 look well enough to possibly go uncovered. The question then is how soon am I willing to risk questions about them?

Work in general was OK. Within the first hour I finished an energy drink and a cup of coffee, so I was pretty wired. I did a fair amount of pacing and spent time in the other room with friends. They were happy I am back. One said some sentence about finishing her THC which sparked a series of jokes.. also this was around when I decided to chug another cup of coffee. We had a good laugh about various things. When you work in a toxicology lab, it can be important to phrase things correctly.

Eating disorder is not going well today. I decided when I got up at around 11 to go to McDonald's and buy binge food. I also binged and purged again after work. Tomorrow I am unsure about. I have no plans, which is bad. Most of the AA people I know are going to some big AA party, but I don't do parties for a variety of reasons. I don't work. This whole binging/purging pattern has me obsessed with food and also questioning my desire to be sober. I am also a bit suicidal. I am trying not to think about that, but for example the doctor inpatient increased my Seroquel, but I decided to fill both the prescription for the new strength and old strength just to have the extra. Same with filling the trazodone I said I won't take. Though I am considering taking one tonight so I can sleep more of tomorrow. I will probably end up shopping and binging tomorrow. We'll see.

To hide or not to hide *TW*

I don't think I talked about this much yesterday. I think I was debating mentioning it at all.

I have always found that when I am confined to a psych ward, I tend to replace one maladaptive coping skill with another. If they are watching my ED, I self harm. If they are watching for self harm, I restrict or I purge. I become obsessed. I tried to explain to my therapist this compulsion. I will walk the perimeter of my bedroom or any I am alone in looking for thumbtacks, screws, anything sharp. I check the furniture for loose screws I could take out. When I was in residential once, they were super careful with plastic forks/spoons/knives. I became obsessed with the same.

Well this hospitalization, I managed a couple forks and then coincidentally they changed to another type that I can't use the same way. So I became obsessed with burning. I managed 4 separate 2nd degree burns using either water or coffee. I admitted to it and the first time was put on 1to 1. The second I negotiated that I only needed to be monitored in the cafeteria or around the coffee by the nurses station. This didn't happen.

Well then beyond the problem of not being monitored and basically just being told to stop, I asked one nurse about bandaging it (this was after the first). He said they only had small bandaids. Nothing to cover this. I asked the night nurse because they kept sticking to my clothing and getting things stuck in them. She said she'd call the other unit and then never said anything again. I asked day nurse and he said the other unit didn't have anything. What psych ward isn't equipped for even minor burns? They aren't that bad, but they only have bandaids.

When I got home, I dropped off the cats and went to Walmart. I picked up various supplies.

The question I have been debating is about returning to work tomorrow. I obviously intend to bandage them because 1. I don't want them getting infected and 2. pretty gross looking. But in the hospital and around my parents I also wore long sleeves. It's summer in Texas, so this was not pleasant. Add a scrub top and sitting in a poorly ventilated building for 8 hours. I am not sure I can do it. I am thinking of just saying I don't want to talk about it if anyone asks. If it's my supervisor/manager/boss I may ask if they really want to know. I am willing to say they are burns from in the hospital, but I am not willing to show anyone. I assume their boundaries are good enough not to ask. I guess you will find out my decision tomorrow

Today I went to AA and then spent several hours binging and purging. Not my proudest moment.

Free at last

I am out again. 10 days sober.. technically inpatient for 11, but during my intake assessment they did a breathalyzer, and my blood alcohol was .11 and in my state anything over .08 is legally intoxicated.. so  I'm not counting that day.

Parts of the stay were good. Parts were bed. I honestly only went to about half the groups and then napped a lot. In my defense I was on Librium, Tegretol and trazodone so I was drowsy. I also was just freaking cold. Last night the nurse asked how I was not burning up in a long sleeve shirt, sweatpants, and a hoodie. I said my hands were still cold. The tech (who agreed it was cold) checked my nails to make sure my circulation was ok.

My therapist was ok. My psychiatrist was ok. She switched out my Lithium for depakote because my thyroid levels were terrible. I admitted that I had missed a few doses, though it honestly was more than a few.

I am at my parent's house now. I am going home tonight. I also need to pick up bandages for my arms which I may have burned several times while inpatient.

ED was pretty bad. Mostly skipped meals. The cafeteria staff were really rude about my vegetarian meals. I made the mistake of telling a tech who called the head of the dietary department who when she finally shut up and listened and apologized repeatedly. She made the cafeteria person (who clearly wasn't sorry) apologize. I was mortified. He (tech) dragged me to dinner because the manager didn't want me skipping meals. I made him let me take it back home. I stared at it and almost cried and then put it in the trash. After that he kept bringing me trays. I kept refusing to go to the cafeteria out of embarrassment except dinner last night that I purged.

But I am home. Honestly spent the last 3 days obsessing over the perfect binge for tomorrow. That's probably bad, but it doesn't involve drinking. We'll see. I technically work Saturday, but I am telling him that I will come back Sunday. I doubt he'll object. I really do need groceries and meetings and a day to de-stress. I am not going to say that unless I have to.

Thank you for all the supportive comments about this.