Wondering

I have been wondering lately. I am wondering what people think of me. I am wondering what they know about me. I am wondering what they say about me when I'm not there.

I don't know if the picture will upload, but it explains why. My face is a mess. I can't stop picking. I wonder what my coworkers think. Do they think it's anxiety? Do they think I'm on drugs? Do they think I'm crazy?

Then I wonder what else they're aware of. How much do they notice my scars? My behavior. My words. I know I have said weird things in the past. I know I used to pace. I know that I have done everything possible at times to avoid using the phone.

Recently a coworker tried to get me to talk to the payroll person about something. I suggested she said an email both because I don't want to talk to people I don't know and because I didn't think I should have to do it for her. After that she made a comment that she knew I wouldn't talk to the person. I don't think she understands that I am not antisocial. I have severe social anxiety. There's a difference.

I wonder if they have figured out why I have taken so much time off this year. I didn't tell anyone in advance, so I don't know if they asked and what was said.

I know none of this is my business. It's not my problem. I just can't help wondering how crazy I really seem to them. I even considered asking someone but decided that would just make it worse. I am worried about this week and if anyone is going to try to talk to me about what's going on. I don't want to think or talk about it. I don't want to try to figure out what to do about it. I am well aware that things are bad. I am aware that the drinking is out of control. It's becoming apparent that my body is suffering.

Instead, I am focusing on work. I am thinking about it and dreaming about it. It at least gives me some purpose. I don't know what else I have to live for at times, so I focus on work. I don't know what the point of this post was. I just needed to vent.

Rough morning

Not having a good day, and I haven't even gotten to work.

I woke up because a friend texted me before it was even 7am about our lunch plans for tomorrow. I didn't even read the texts, although admittedly she apologized and said she meant to send it later.

Then before 9 my ex-sponsor called. I seriously don't know if she has never realized that I am not awake that early or doesn't care. She used to do it a lot and seem a bit judgemental that I was in bed, but given the hours I usually work.. I just don't do morning. Anyway, she asked what I was doing and we chatted. She said she thinks about me. I know I haven't been to many meetings lately, and people probably worry. Honestly though, I wanted to cry when I got off the phone. I am still not over what she did. Talking to her makes me feel lonely and abandoned and worthless. She chose to stop being my sponsor at the worst possible time, and I know it is very much a part of why I ended up in hospital and relapsing. I know that's because clearly our boundaries weren't good.. but still.

So I couldn't go back to sleep. I have been getting this feeling lately like I am being strangled, and I honestly don't know if it's anxiety or something with my heart. I tried to take my anxiety medicine with some vodka and ended up throwing up. I finally settled on watching Grey's Anatomy for a few hours until I was ready to get up. I actually fell asleep a few minutes before having to get up and get ready for work. I am exhausted and wanted desperately to call in sick, but I would feel too guilty.

I think it will be a rough day. I also know I cannot really explain why if anyone asks because the sponsor thing is complicated. How do you explain how that short of a conversation with someone who is still a friend can make you want to die? So I will fake being fine. I hope nobody says anything and that work isn't too crazy.

Guilt and worry

So I did it. I talked to my supervisor. He went to lunch at the same time I did and started talking to me. I told him I am more stressed than I expected. I said that I am not eating or sleeping enough. I said I am not coping in healthy ways. Unfortunately he asked about the drinking. I said that I have occasionally. He said not to bring it to work and I said of course not. He asked about outpatient. I explained why I wasn't doing it. He said that worried him. He said he worries about me. Not as an employer but as a friend. I said I don't want to worry people. He asked about the atmosphere at work and if anyone was causing me stress. I said it's not that. That really has improved. He said they took steps to fix it, which I knew. One of my coworkers said how they had talked to some people who had been complaining and gossiping. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but oh well. It really is more the actual work. Thankfully, he didn't ask about the bandaid on my wrist.

After we went back to work, I asked him not to repeat what I said or to at least tell me if he does. He said he won't. That it was off the record. I really would just rather people talk to me directly.

I feel guilty that I worry him. I hate worrying people. He said I have worked there a long time and people want me to be ok. I know they value me, which I really care about. I don't want to disappoint anyone.

I am sorry for not updating sooner. I know I ended the last post on a bad note. I really need to learn my lesson about drunken cutting. Not a great choice. Tomorrow I hope to relax and catch up on sleep.

I don't know if I did the right thing telling him. I think he would worry whether I talked to him or not, and I don't like myself when I lie. I hope he doesn't tell anyone, but I wouldn't be surprised if he did. He has not always been good at keeping things to himself.

I was a bit frustrated because my one request today was not to do reconfirmations. I have been dreaming about them, and I wanted a break. Yeah... I still ended up having to help with them because the analyst doing them was taking too long. I seriously did have a dream where someone sent me to get reruns, but when she printed the list the formatting was wrong so it printed like 50 pages. I was trying to find the ones I needed and hide the rest. So yeah.. I really needed a rest. I am happy to have the next 2 days off. I am exhausted.

To tell the truth?

I am still not feeling entirely well. I spent last night throwing up after spending the day laying on my parent's couch trying to sleep. I finally gave up on food and just had a few shots and went to bed.

Today physically I am a bit better. My body doesn't hurt as much. I ate lunch before work and brought cereal for dinner. I swear that when I was walking across the parking lot, I thought I might cry. I just felt like I was sinking.

I held it together ok until I was leaving. My supervisor asked how I was doing and said that he knows I wasn't feeling well the other day. I said I was ok. I could tell he didn't believe me. I mean I am back to having spots and scabs all over my face from picking at it while I am at work. I also hesitated a little too long feeling I should say something more, but I couldn't come up with something. I wanted to say something about the other night, but I am afraid he's already assumed it was alcohol related. It might have been, or I might have had a virus. I thought about saying I have been stressed, but I don't know if it makes any difference admitting it. I don't think I should say that I think I came back to work too soon or that my depression is worse and I am afraid I will just end up back in the hospital. I don't think I should say that I cried my first day back and cut myself when I went home. I don't know what to say. So I said I am ok and I left. I have been playing through ways I could have answered ever since, but I don't know. It feels pointless. I don't want to admit to the drinking. I don't want to admit to feeling hopeless. I don't want to make it worse, but I am not sure lying isn't also making it worse. I know I can't hide it entirely. I know from his face he is already concerned. I want to talk about it, but I am still terrified of losing the job because I really think I would kill myself if I did. So for now I am just saying I am fine and thinking over what to do. He wants to help, but I don't know how he can. It feels hopeless. So I left feeling like crying all over again. I also don't know if they talk about me when I am not there. Are they all concerned or are does the manager think I am better. I don't know. I won't unless she says something.

I think what I want to say is that being back has been a lot harder than I expected. That I am not sure I was totally ready. I am not eating enough because the stress is killing my appetite. I am sleeping poorly. I am doing the best I can, whether that's good enough or not. If he specifically asks about drinking, what I can say (because it is true) is that I have not and will not drink at a time or in any way that would compromise the quality and accuracy of my work. I wouldn't be this stressed all the time if I didn't care about not making mistakes. I would prefer not to discuss the drinking at all, but saying that might sound bad. I may or may not be able to say any of that. I have until Monday before I see him again. I am just hoping for a reasonably smooth weekend.

Editing this later. I might have been stupid and cut my wrist again. It's bleeding more than expected but should be fine. I have pressure on it and hope not to need to see a doctor. I am such an idiot. I should know better than to use that knife when drunk.

It's mostly stopped bleeding, but I am an idiot.

Day off

So I have today off, and I really wanted to not think about work. That didn't work out.

I told myself not to check my email, but I did. I read an email from the medical director about a case I sent him to look at and realized I might have forgotten something yesterday. I thought about leaving it until Friday when I work because I couldn't deal with it from home. I settled on forwarding the email to a coworker and asking her to look into it. I worried about bothering someone and admitting I may have missed something, but I decided it was better to make sure someone handled it and not wait until I was there. She replied pretty quickly and it was all OK.

I went to bed around 6am and slept until 3pm. I went to Target for groceries and had lunch. I got home and keep thinking about work. I wonder if I should tell them I can't keep doing reconfirmations because I am struggling with the stress. I think about trying to explain the hospital experience so they understand that I didn't spend the time I was off resting. I spent it inpatient and scared of other patients and having anxiety attacks. I spent it outpatient having my choice to be independent criticized and being told I should move home. I was not mentally well when I came back to work. I was tired and doubting my ability to get better. Then add in work stress, and I am not coping well. I feel like I should tell them. I feel like it's only a matter of time until I kill myself. I don't have hope.

I doubt I will say any of this. Work is so much of my life and a great distraction from all my failure. It is my own weakness that makes it difficult. I hope tomorrow to think about it less. I guess I will see.

Sick and tired

Either I am getting sick or my body is rebelling against how I treat it. After days of nausea, I had to leave work an hour early last night because nothing would stay down. I probably should have eaten more than applesauce for dinner but whatever. I was also suddenly cold with muscle aches, which is a new symptom, and despite sleeping the night before I was exhausted.

So I went home and spent the evening throwing up or in bed trying not to. I couldn't sleep, so I eventually drank vodka and had a Lara bar and went back to bed. I woke every couple hours because I couldn't get comfortable.

This morning I thought I heard a knock on the door and then proceeded to dream that someone fell from the air vent into my bedroom. I woke up and panicked because while I knew that obviously was a dream, I didn't know if someone knocked on the door. So after laying there in a panic, I made myself decent and went to look. I looked through the peephole and then quickly opened the door to check nothing was hanging on it. It was fine. I had a couple shots and went back to bed.

I finally got up exhausted and shaking and my muscles still ached. I went to pick up medication from the pharmacy knowing I would need the Vyvanse. I was starving and went to chik-FIL-a and Walmart. Now I'm at work and so anxious. The supervisor isn't here and I have 1 other analyst and a trainee and far too much work for 3 people. I texted the manager after she left to clarify the priority of what we have since clearly we can't do everything. Then I took anxiety medicine and tried not to appear as upset as I am. Thank god I have tomorrow off because the stress is not helping whatever my body is upset over.

Well, I survived. I couldn't stop thinking that we weren't getting enough done, but really I couldn't have done more. If others could, well, not for me to judge. I kept checking in on the other 2 to make sure things were going ok. They kept saying yes. I ended up doing 29 cases, importing 2 plates, 7 stat TNR cases, and 31 reruns. I stayed until around 1:20, but let the other 2 leave closer to midnight. I also had to send the nightly updates and keep the various log books. I was feeling shaky and flushed which made me feel very self conscious (I also did something stupid but don't want to go into it). I am more nervous lately that someone will discover this blog. Anyway, I kept picking at my face which I think is why I was flushed. Plus it was warm. I apologized to the trainee a couple times for bugging them about what they were doing because I just wanted to make sure they wrapped up on time and things were organized. I mean I ran around a bit like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get as much done as possible and not miss anything. I still am stressed. I am afraid they will try to get me to come in on my day off, which I doubt, but I really need the days off. I need to clean. I need to get groceries. I need to sleep. I did go and buy cereal after work. Tonight the only things that sounded good were Rice Krispies and almond milk. I don't know. So I am having that and skittles for dinner. Tomorrow I will try to buy some other options. I need to get back to functioning which includes drinking less and trying to eat better. And by better I actually mean more calories for once, and not just in the form of applesauce.

I started taking my antidepressant again and picked up the new/old mood stabilizer. I took the Vyvanse and Vistaril to survive work. I swear I am trying to make things work.

First day back

I got the release from my psychiatrist to return to work. It was actually a decent appointment compared to the last time (which ended in him saying he wasn't going to try to treat my depression because of the drinking). He actually suggested me starting Lamictal again, which I had been thinking about. He seems to be leaning towards believing that I am bipolar and not just depressed. Mainly due to it not responding to medication. I told him about the hospital stay. I said I was eager to go back to work, and he was perfectly fine with it.

Work was crazy. The manager was clearly happy to see me. She filled me in on updates and said she was glad I was doing better. My supervisor thankfully wasn't there. The boss told me I was looking well and hugged me, which I assume means they told her where I was. That or I looked worse than I thought before I left. My coworker who is the only one I told besides the supervisor/manager said I looked rested. I then spent 8 hours closing reruns and cried walking to my car at midnight. I told them I couldn't work late because I was exhausted and had a headache and was pretty sure I would cry. I haven't done that many reruns in a long time, and it felt like I accomplished nothing in a full day. Now I am home sitting writing this and thinking of cutting. I get to go back tomorrow and try again. I think I put on a brave face when I got there but didn't acknowledge that this place can make me crazy. It is exhausting and stressful and I don't know if I am ready for it. I just don't know what else to do with myself than work.

So hopefully it will get better and not worse once I am used to it again. It was nice how happy people were to see me. It was nice to be wanted and needed somewhere. I just hope I can handle it and am not about to end up in the hospital again because of it.