Just venting because I can't

I don't really discuss politics. I don't pretend to be fully informed on a lot of issues or have strong opinions. But I can't sleep and I have even cried tonight because I need to believe this election is a sick joke. I never believed that I lived in a country that would choose a man so obviously filled with hate to be president. I never liked Hilary, but I thought surely people could see that Trump is terrifying and hateful and should not be our leader. All night at work people were watching the coverage and everyone seemed so anxious and scared. I live in a red state. My state was never going to go another way and everyone knows that, but you could tell we were all counting on the rest of the country to be sane. I left work before the election was decided, and I only checked periodically because I didn't want to believe this would happen. I saw the results and truly tried to believe it was not happening. I finally emailed my mom at 4am because I had to say this to someone. She cried when Bush was elected, so I think she will understand me crying over Trump. I didn't even watch most of the debates because the man is horrible. I don't even mean just politics. As a person and a woman, he offends me. I hoped people would wake up and admit to nominating him as a joke and not a legitimate candidate. Tonight I fear for my country.

So I may delete this later. I have no desire to engage in political debates so don't bother trying to start one. I am now going to watch Netflix until I can sleep. I am so thankful not to work tonight because I don't want to hear this discussed. I need time to process what I truly believed could never happen.

AA meeting

Today didn't go exactly as planned. The plan was to sleep as late as possible, go to the grocery store, and go to work. Instead, I was woken by a text from my ex sponsor saying that today was my friend B's birthday and she hoped to see me at the women's meeting. I considered ignoring the text and going back to sleep. I considered replying and saying that I am a terrible person and just couldn't handle being around people. I decided that while I am currently avoiding everyone, I may someday want to do more than hide in my apartment.. so it's probably best not to burn too many bridges. These 2 people have reached out to me despite my avoiding everyone. So I reset my alarm to earlier to make the meeting.

I got there about 10 minutes early. I wished B happy birthday. She definitely seemed surprised to see me. I chatted briefly with her about what she's doing. My ex sponsor arrived and hugged me. It was obvious from how long they both hugged me that they have been worried. I didn't talk about how I am doing. My disappearance is pretty self explanatory. I didn't talk in the meeting. I was just trying not to cry. I don't even know why I wanted to cry, but I knew I couldn't keep it together and talk. After the meeting, I said goodbye to B. She asked if she would see me again soon. I didn't really know what to say.. I said yes but didn't know when I would see her. I settled on saying I would text her because I really did need to leave and get to work. I think I will see if she wants to do lunch or something soon. I didn't want to commit to being at more meetings if I didn't know that I would actually be able to.

So I was a bit off when I got to work. I was depressed and anxious. I didn't want to be there. I was tired. I managed to make it through.

Tomorrow I am supposed to have lunch with a friend. We have repeatedly planned and postponed lunch. Once she hurt her knee. Once I cancelled after spending the night before throwing up. I really don't want to go. I don't want to drive. I don't want to talk, but again I can only avoid her so long before she stops asking. So I will go. I will try to seem ok. I have no interest in talking about what's going on. I am just trying not to burn bridges. I am trying to act as if someday I may want to have friends. I am trying to act as if there is a future when more than once recently I have woken up and lay in bed wanting desperately to die. Eventually, the feeling passes, so I should probably try to maintain friendships as if I plan to live. I just wish it wasn't acting. I wish I wanted to see people and do things and have a future. I guess acting is the best I can manage right now.

Laugh or cry

The last couple days at work have not been the greatest. I have been a bit crazy. Monday there was not enough work and that always makes me anxious. I always hate delegating. I don't like telling people what to do. I do it because my supervisor doesn't do it, and so people come to me. But with almost nothing to do, there was a lot of down time and I was super anxious. My supervisor snapped at me, and I may have nearly snapped at another analyst. Add to that the fact that my supervisor has decided we should take breaks together. The company got a basketball hoop, so he wants everyone to go out and play. I have never liked basketball. Monday even watching them play made me so tired that I thought I might cry. I tried one pathetic shot, but I am also embarrassingly weak these days. Some combination of exhaustion, being out of shape, and probably malnutrition since half my calories come from alcohol.

Monday night I had a dream about work. I had a dream that someone had mistyped sample numbers for an entire plate on a machine. Nobody noticed until the data was imported into the computer and had overwritten 96 closed reports. I woke up panicking. I had to convince myself that it was only a nightmare. It was not a premonition. It was not my subconscious trying to tell me that I had seen something Monday on one of the machines but not acknowledged it. That I had seen a mistake and forgotten. It was not a warning about what was going to happen when I got to work. I wasn't even out of bed and I was having to convince myself that I wasn't going to spend my day fixing problems my brain was trying to prepare me for. Tell myself I didn't need to go around and look at every machine to see if I could find something.

So I was not in a good mood when I got to work. I wanted to cry. I still went to work. I still distributed work and planned what we would do. I admittedly hoarded work. I took a short lunch because I knew that either me or another analyst would get to work on a plate, and I wanted it. Admittedly, my coworker doesn't seem to mind having nothing to do as much as I do. I did tell a coworker about the dream, which she thought was hilarious. I didn't explain the panic that followed. The dream is funny if you don't pay attention to the crazy amount of anxiety causing these dreams.

Last night was miserable. I threw up multiple times. I stayed up until 5 watching TV and trying to eat/drink. I didn't get out of bed until 2 today. At one point, I woke up wanting to die. I seriously wanted to get up and take a bunch of pills, and all I could do was stay in bed. All I could do was stay where I couldn't take anything and go back to sleep. So I haven't done a lot today. I am just trying to rest and take it easy.

To sleep perchance to dream

I dreamt about work last night. Apparently, I wasn't the only one. Several coworkers admitted to dreaming about work. One was pretty funny.. she said that they told her to find work in the lab because she wasn't able to answer the phone correctly. She went into the lab, and they were baking tarts.

My dreams were less funny. I claimed to not remember them because the only one I do remember was me talking to the medical director and him asking about the cuts on my wrist. In my dream, he asked about them and I showed him the scars on my arms.

I did go to work without a bandage on today. I did feel like people were staring at points, but I didn't care.

I was still preoccupied about the stuff with my supervisor. I did tell my coworker that I wanted to wait until she was there to tell the manager about it. I have told her some about the personal stuff because I know her from school. I told her the truth. I told her I don't trust the supervisor not to try to blame this on my mental health or personal issues. I don't trust him to try to make this about me. She kinda agreed and said to just keep an eye on him until Friday. She did say I could tell the manager some of it and hint at the fact that we needed to talk to her. She is one of the only ones who knows that certain decisions have been made to avoid causing me stress. That's why I am not shift lead. I assume it's why I don't do qc cases. They obviously trust me to since for a while they let me do the pull of unclosed cases with nobody else there to help, and the pull includes qc cases. When they added people to qc rotation, I assume that either they didn't want to increase my stress or they wanted me to be able to do other tasks. So she understands that he shouldn't be making me do them.

I talked to her about the reconfirmations and various things. I also explained the situation to the lead analyst. I mentioned what had happened. I mentioned him not getting reconfirmations done and making me do regular cases. I mentioned having to try to get him to understand that more than one person needed to work on them. She asked about how things are when she isn't there. I told her. I told her about having to handle everything. I mentioned things he doesn't do. I explained the things I have told him about that he hasn't communicated to anyone else. I didn't bring up my personal issues, but I did say that it causes me more stress. She agreed about talking to the manager. She asked me to tell her what I need mentioned to everyone about mistakes I am catching so she can bring it up in the meetings since my supervisor won't. I ranted about him not putting priority on reconfirmations, about him not being clear about what I am responsible for on days she isn't there. Am I lead or is he? If he is, then I am having to do his job. If I am, he isn't really telling me what to do. We talked a while about all this. I am happy she acknowledged that I should be able to tell someone these problems and have them dealt with. That I am in an awkward position where I tell him what is going on that shouldn't be, and he does nothing. She did seem to agree that the qc thing isn't reasonable. So I will let her know tomorrow what needs to be brought up in the meetings. I will send an email about what I have done this weekend that wasn't necessary. I will watch my supervisor Monday and Tuesday to see what I need to address. I probably won't say anything until Friday when I have someone to support me because I am afraid he will try to blame this on me not being able to cope with stress. I don't want to be the only one to bring it up because I don't want it to become about me.

So I hope I can manage. I will try to organize my thoughts. I will continue to make sure work gets done. I just want to make it clear that I am not the only one seeing this. I am not only saying something because I can't cope. I am not bringing it up because I am stressed. I am bringing it up because I am legitimately concerned that he doesn't take things seriously. I tried to explain to the lead how he doesn't seem to understand how many reruns there are. He doesn't understand how the mistakes people make only make them take longer. I honestly don't think he understands. Thankfully, she agreed. She validated all I have seen.

I really hate conflict. I hate that I have had to go to the manager repeatedly about my supervisor. He gets better for a while and then it goes bad again. I don't expect this job to be stress free, but I want him to do his job to avoid causing me unnecessary stress. He knows about my mental health issues and tells me to tell him if anyone is causing me stress, but the truth is that the person causing me stress is him. I don't expect to be stress free, but I know that his behavior increases the work I have to do. The lead said she worries about days she isn't there, and I have to do so many extra things when she isn't. The fact is that she was made lead to minimize my stress. I was lead. I was asked if I would prefer not to be, and I said yes. I don't know exactly what they told her, but that is what they asked me. So it defeats the purpose of this decision if when she isn't there I get asked to handle everything. The problem is that it has never been clearly communicated if I am in charge or the supervisor. If he is, then he isn't doing his job. If I am, then he isn't really letting me do it.

So I don't know what will happen. I am trying not to think about it too much and just work. I enjoy the weekend because the supervisor isn't there. Monday I will go back to observing how he acts. I probably won't mention anything until someone is there to support me. I don't want this to be about my stress because it is affecting everyone.

Tonight I hope not to dream about work. I want to actually rest. I want at least some time where work isn't all I think about.

Not surprised but still annoyed

So today has not been great. I ate lunch and went to Walmart, where I threw up lunch. So I was in a great mood before getting to work. We had a new person starting. I heard the trainer mention having her sit with me for a while, and apparently my facial expression was enough to change her mind. I just was anxious and feeling sick and couldn't handle being cheerful and teaching someone. I did apologize to the trainer later and explained that I was having a bad day and didn't feel well.

Unfortunately the whole reason I was talking to the trainer/my friend is that my supervisor is his old self again. I had noticed already. He has been snapping at people. He has been putting off qc cases. I have had to help close them. She pulled me aside to talk about it. I told her about some things he has done recently. I told her all she can do is talk to the manager again. None of us can change his behavior. We can only observe and try to get work done.

I hate this kind of drama. I honestly have been upset by his behavior, but I see no point in saying anything. I told her I was willing to go to the manager with her. I am regretting saying this. I am afraid that if I do and he realizes it, he might tell the manager about how I am doing. He probably wouldn't think of it as retaliation. He would be able to believe that I am only upset because I am stressed. I know this is paranoid, but I am worried.

I then got to try to manipulate him. He had told me he wanted me to close cases and that someone else would do reconfirmations. She didn't start until almost 11. I kept trying to hint that she needed help. He kept saying it was fine. I finally opened the rerun list while he was standing behind me and said look. This is how many there are. If they don't get done tonight, I will probably have to do them tomorrow. He finally agreed. I was in panic mode by then because of it. I was upset that he clearly hadn't been paying attention and not taking it seriously. He doesn't work weekends, but I do. I knew that by putting off reruns he was increasing the number I would be doing tomorrow. It would mean another anxious, panicked, busy weekend for me and he wouldn't be around for it. He wouldn't have to deal with it.

So I am frustrated. I am frustrated with him. I am frustrated that the other person didn't say she needed help or didn't start sooner. I am frustrated that he didn't assign me to the reconfirmations in the first place. I spent the day paranoid that there was some reason he didn't want me doing them because surely he wasn't clueless and was taking the number seriously. I don't know if he had a reason or is really clueless about how quickly they add up.

I think I may tell my friend that if she talks to the manager, I will back her up. I will provide evidence of what I have seen. I can show that I sent him cases last Friday and he didn't close them until Monday. I can show that I did at least 20 qc cases Monday even though I am not someone assigned to do qc cases. I don't want to be the one to bring it up because I don't want this to be viewed as me being stressed and complaining about having to help. I am able to do these things, but my life would be easier if I didn't have to. My life and everyone else's would be better if he took things more seriously. I told him about problems I have found doing reruns. I still had to email the daytime supervisor about things because I know he didn't tell her. It made me so anxious sending that email, but I was more scared of mistakes being made. He made excuses and said the analyst was having a bad day because he doesn't worry about anyone outside of our shift making mistakes because those are the ones that reflect poorly on him. I care about the patients and the doctors.

I am trying to relax tonight and let it go. I have been trying so hard not to fixate on what he isn't doing. I am so happy that he won't be there tomorrow.

Hopeless

I am struggling. Alive but struggling. I am exhausted. It has been so hard getting out of bed the past few days. I am sleeping, but I guess not well. Last night was weird. More than once I thought I heard someone knock on the door. The first time I stayed in the kitchen hoping if someone was there that they would go away. The second time I did go look after a couple minutes and nobody was there. I think maybe they knocked on a neighbor's door and my paranoid self immediately assumed it was mine. It is the weird thing about my apartment. I can hear anything outside my door very clearly but not through the walls. It doesn't help that Nermal's new thing is to sit in the window and meow loudly at anyone outside. She has always spied on the neighbors but now she sits and meows at them. Such a weird little cat. But it just puts me more on edge.

I had therapy today and it was hard. I am feeling very hopeless. My life is a mess. I told her some of it.. the not checking my email, not talking to friends, and that basically I only really function at work. That I am terrified that eventually I won't be able to function at work, and then I don't know what will happen. I am already so paranoid that people talk about me. I worry they see me pick at my skin and assume I am on drugs. I worry that they think that my anxiety is a sign I am not qualified for the job. I don't know of they realize how anxious I am. We're supposed to be introducing ourselves to people in other departments, and I haven't because I feel like that's just going to allow more people to judge me or gossip.

I think that people think I'm antisocial or mean or angry rather than realizing that I am scared. I am scared to walk into the lab. I am scared to have to talk to anyone other than the analysts. I have no logical reason to be so terrified, but I am. I have ceased to interact with people outside of work. I don't talk to friends. I only talk to my parents. I don't think anyone without this kind of anxiety can understand that it is scary to even have someone say hello to me.

I am failing at life. I have several things I need to do. I lost my debit card a few weeks ago and need to switch the payments for a hospital bill, my student loans, and my toll tag to the new card. Somehow I just can't. I can't open my computer to go online and do it. I sure as hell can't call. So I am risking ruining my credit score by avoiding it. I am not functioning.

I don't know what to do. I don't see a way out of this. I only see it getting worse.

I want to sleep for days in the hope of getting better. My body isn't cooperating. I am still throwing up some nights. We were supposed to be using the basketball hoop they got at work, and it's pathetic how week my arms are. I don't know if I am tired or maybe malnourished because of the alcohol. I struggled to carry my laundry basket to the car today. My mom bugged me about getting my oil changed and added more responsibility to avoid. I also need new tires.

So I am alive, but I don't really qualify as a functioning human being anymore. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I just want to sleep. How did it get this bad? And how on earth do I fix it? Or have I gone to far to fix this? Because I only see it getting worse.

Sorry for being such a downer. I don't know how to be anything else right now. I am sorry if the long silence between posts worried anyone. I feel bad writing the same things again and again, but I will try not to disappear for so long between posts. I will try to write at least enough, so that you know I am alive.

Fine

I apologize for ranting so much lately. I don't really talk to people except at work, so I need someone to talk to.

I started today with therapy because she had to cancel last week. I normally have therapy on my day off. Having to go to work after is always rough. I am emotional and have to shut that down and work.

Well then this happened. I heard the manager and my supervisor talking quietly and obviously trying not to be overhead. All I heard was my supervisor say "I didn't overreact". Being paranoid and self centered, my first thought is that it was about our conversation last week about how I am doing. I didn't really trust him when he said it was off the record.

I tried not to give in to the paranoia, but I couldn't. I had been sitting with a trainee doing reconfirmations. I waited until he went back to his desk because he had been reading over my shoulder as I asked the supervisor about some things on the cases. I didn't like him doing it, but I was trying to be normal and try to train like I am not paranoid and awkward. He went back to his desk and I messaged my supervisor to ask if he told the manager what we discussed because I get worried. I don't trust him not to tell, but in the past he has been honest about telling people if asked. He said he didn't. He said he told her he talked to me, and I seemed fine. That he had told me to talk to him if anyone was causing me stress.

For some reason his answer was appropriate, but I doubt we interpret it the same way. I have spent so much time in treatment. I have been told fine is not a feeling. I have heard the acronym for fine

Fucked up
Insecure
Neurotic
Emotional

So I am fine, but I doubt in the way he meant. I think he means that I am well or better. I am not well. I am functioning. I am working. I am apparently doing well at that.

However, I am a mess. I live in a messy apartment. I don't talk to any of my friends. I work, I drink, and I sleep. That's it. I am anxious for the majority of the time. I am exhausted. I am not functional. I hate my life. I am neurotic. I pick at my skin. I cut. I have to force myself to eat and sleep.

So when he said I was fine, it seemed about right, but only if you have been trained to believe that word means nothing. I wonder what he believes. I doubt it is the same.

But is there any point in telling them? How does one ask for help when you believe nobody can help you? Why explain that you are always stressed when they can't do anything because the stress isn't logical.

So I don't ask for help. I cry for help. I pick. I cut my wrist. I shake. I hope that someone else knows what to do when I don't. I hope that someone asks because I don't know what to say. I hope they have ideas because I feel hopeless. I need someone else's hope. I need them to value me because I feel worthless. I just don't know how to tell anyone. I see no point.

So I obsess over conversations I don't have. I want to tell him that I am not fine or that fine means something very different. I instead worked. I told my therapist that I want my supervisor to take charge of things and not rely so much on me when the lead isn't there. What did I do? I told him what was going to happen. I assigned tasks. I gave a plate to the other analyst. I supervised the trainee pulling reruns and then told him which to get. I assigned the TNRs to them and interrupted to make sure he was trained properly by the other analyst. I decided what I could manage and told the supervisor to give the other analyst certain work. I basically did what I told my therapist I didn't want to do. I was lead analyst, and the manager took it away to minimize my stress. This was her idea. However when the lead isn't there, I still have to do it because otherwise things don't get done. He becomes focused on his job, and everyone comes to me for directions. I had to suggest that the trainee learn TNRs. I made sure they were done the best way (there's a whole other issue with the analyst training him and that). I gave the plate to the other analyst because I am faster at reconfirmations. I don't know how it would have gone if I just left it to the supervisor. Maybe he would have suggested the same. But I feel guilty not only for my work but for everyone else's. I feel bad if I didn't do enough or if I could somehow have helped them do more or better.

So I am tired. I am anxious. I am fine, but I am not well. I am drinking and cutting and watching TV in order to forget it all. I need help but don't think anyone can help me. So I am ranting. Now I should probably just go to bed.