Mental breakdown

So I haven't posted in forever. I have been slowly going downhill. I feel like my life is going nowhere because I can't afford a car or an apartment. I probably will need to change jobs to be able to. I can't figure out what I am even capable of.

Then my parents left town. I drank the first day. The second day I went to work, and I was just too tired and depressed. I opened up about it when my supervisor asked how I was doing. I said I needed a mental health day. They let me go home, and I just spent the day in bed drinking and occasionally trying to eat. I was so suicidal, and I was just laying there thinking of calling a crisis line. I could barely get out of bed. I couldn't eat more than a few bites before it was exhausting. I guess I slept.

I went to work the next day and ended up going home. I basically said if I could go without getting fired, I needed to leave. My supervisor let me and asked someone to drive me. I said I didn't need a ride and made an excuse. I really needed to go to the liquor store. I bought 2 more bottles and took Lyft home. I stayed in bed crying.

I am not scheduled again until tomorrow. I am seriously hoping they don't fire me. I have only gone home sick once in 7 months before this, and some people call in almost weekly. I am managing to stay out of bed since my parents came back. Mentally, I am still very bad. My job keeps me going. I want to just go back and not talk about it. I want my parents not to ask anything if they noticed. I want to pretend it's ok because that's the only way I can function. My parents would blame it all on alcohol, but I have been suicidal off and on for weeks. I just am struggling to function and alcohol drowns the thoughts. I couldn't keep fighting without a break. I guess I will update tomorrow with what happens. I will tell them I am ok now and safe. That's mostly true. Then I will fake ok and safe

Too crazy for this world?

Do you ever really wonder if you were meant to be? Like were you a mistake? As a scientist, I know a huge percentage of fertilized embryos have genetic mutations that make them inviable and they don't ever make it to birth. Are there people who somehow make it to birth that are not suited to life?

I seriously have been contemplating some deep issues lately.. good and bad. The bad being that I'm pretty suicidal. Still at the thought stage and just hypothetical, but I am really questioning my desire to keep going. I am also contemplating a lot about why people are so bothered by human deaths unrelated to them.. like murder or the death of strangers. I understand why people close to us would be sad, but in general why is the death of one in billions so important? I won't get into the whole line of thought there because it gets awfully dark and cynical. I think I am just questioning my own existence and my need to stay alive for others. I mean I cannot exist without chemicals to alter my thinking, so why waste time and resources on me?

But I am wondering if there's a possibility of finding something I am good at. Because my dog was really shy when we got her, my thing at work is finding those shy/scared dogs and getting them to like me. Lately, I am identifying way more with animals than people. I think (I am getting very out there with this thinking) animals/pets are so similar to people in the mental healthcare system.. they are fully functional beings thrown into a world that doesn't understand them. They speak a different language, so they're confused and scared. People get upset if they're hostile and trying to protect themselves. They expect them to act normal and loving and fit a certain idea of behavior. I see them as trying to adapt to a probably very difficult life. We get animals that spent lots of their lives in shelters and with little contact with others, so they don't get all social situations. We have one who was never left alone (always with her mom or other family member) so is totally anxious and neurotic if left alone for even a few minutes.. But they're loving, feeling creatures. People just don't try to help because they only worry about themselves. This all kind of touches on my current ethical crisis about wanting to go vegan and speciesism. I wonder if what will make happy is working with animals that are hurting. There are dog trainers and behaviorists that help rescued dogs become happy dogs. I just know I don't really want to be a therapist for people, which is what everyone with mental health issues seems to decide to be. I find happiness and relief for myself when I can stop and press my forehead to the head of a dog or a cat or sit in their room and they sit with me because it is amazing to find ways to communicate across species barriers. I talk to them because I know they can't understand the majority of the words but the sound and tone can be soothing (as someone who doesn't cope well with silence) and it helps me to talk. I would never grab them and hug them when they're scared because that isn't something they find comforting. I hate people who want to hug me when I am in crisis when I want to curl up in a ball and be alone. I don't know.. I see something there. I just don't know how to make that my life. I don't know how to live long enough to have a life at this point. I am just trying to find moments of meaning in a world that seems just fine without me.

Therapy and stopping the downward spiral

So the big new thing recently is I started therapy again. Previously, I was getting some help through a government funded service.. that's where I had IOP and got meds and had a case worker. Honestly, I saw a case worker for one on one therapy for maybe 30 minutes every couple weeks. My second case worker also cancelled a few of those appointments, so I hadn't seen her in a while. Well, getting insurance means I no longer qualify for those services. I found a psychiatrist pretty quickly because I was so unhappy with how my medications had been handled. I am not entirely happy with the new person because the appointments have been very short and not very in depth, but she did what I wanted with my meds which is reduce and then eliminate the Lithium and put me on the extended release Wellbutrin because I had stopped taking my evening dose because it messed with my sleep and I couldn't remember to take it in the afternoon (and as an attempt to feel more normal honestly). I think as long as I am doing pretty well, this person seems fine. I just am not sure how she will handle if things get complicated and changes need to be made.

I procrastinated on finding a therapist because it is so hard starting over with no recommendations. I could probably have gone back to my last one and just paid for it, but I am not sure that's a good idea because honestly I got to my worst while seeing her and she was pretty tolerant of me being in a really bad place. I just don't think we were making any progress. I picked someone kind of at random that takes my insurance, and I think I like her. I went the first time and pretty much had to explain my whole history and all my issues. I kind of based my opinion of her on her reactions to what I said. Like she understood how I progressed from one thing to another. She agreed when I said that it's all the same addictive thinking but has manifested in different behaviors. She was pretty shocked by some of what was done with my medications in the hospital. I tried to explain how I have been diagnosed bipolar or had borderline mentioned but it was usually based on my behavior in the hospital, and I go pretty crazy when in that environment. Plus, the doctors don't like if you disagree with them (like I explained the doctor putting me on two mood stabilizers at once and me making him try just one at a time). They treat me as argumentative because really I have always been taught I need to advocate for myself with doctors. Anyway, it seemed like she understood.

Since the first session, I have been going downhill. Behavior wise.. not so terrible. A few times drinking rubbing alcohol (yes I know that's bad) at night because the depression just reached that level that I can't tolerate. The kind where it is almost a physical effort not to react and do something impulsive. It of course leads to terrible headaches and feeling sick the next day, so I haven't been doing it all the time. Mostly my thinking is in a really bad place. I just am frustrated that I have a decent amount of money in the bank now (like $4,000), but I can't really do much with it. I don't have enough to get a car yet. I don't want to apply for a loan because of the bankruptcy. Plus, I am honestly concerned how my parents will react if I talk about buying one because that will mean having a lot more freedom to buy alcohol or drink. At this point, I probably would do that if I had the slightest chance. I can't really move out without having transportation, and I am not sure yet if I am making enough money to afford rent on an apartment on top of like doctors, medication, and therapy.. add in food and transportation. It might not be enough. I am not ready to look for another job. I am just getting settled in here, and honestly I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what I can do. The last couple years of the drinking combined with ECT really effected my short term memory, and it is way better now.. but I don't know how much of the knowledge from school I have retained.. I still doubt myself a lot. Like I have to check that I texted the right person after I sent it. I have to check when I sent things and that I did. I have to check my work schedule everyday to make sure I am remembering it correctly. So I have no idea what I plan to do. None of it is achievable yet, but I am feeling very stuck and trapped where I am. That leads to thoughts of running away to a hotel because I have money to stay a week or two and drink myself to death. I think about if I tell my parents or leave a note.. do I just commit suicide immediately or drink for a while and just shut off my phone so no one can reach me? Would I actually die or end up in the hospital and with everything in my life ruined? With my luck I probably wouldn't die. They'd find me or I'd have second thoughts and ask for help. It feels very hopeless.

I have explained this whole line of thinking to my therapist at our second appointment. We talked about how I have never really had goals or dreams for a job or anything in the future. I just did what seemed logical. I fully expected to end up working a job that hopefully would be tolerable and allow me to live comfortably. I just hoped I would find fulfillment in something else. Of course, that didn't work. I found jobs and tried school but basically couldn't tolerate myself and escaped through bulimia and drinking. So now I am 32, and I don't know what to do with myself. I know right now if I was independent, I would drink because drinking sounds better than anything else. We explored the origins of my negative thinking.. basically meaning I explained how I come from a family of pessimists. I have a brother that is an underachiever, probably because of a fear of failure and lack of directions. My mom complained daily about her job. She still tells stories about it now that she's retired. My dad just doesn't talk about his.. he goes everyday and comes home and says his day was fine. He can be a workaholic, but he just was never talkative. So I didn't grow up with an excellent view of working life, and combine that with the fact that I have never expected to live very long.. I never had dreams. So I am supposed to be practicing positive thinking. In reality, I am mostly just trying not to do anything stupid to sabotage things. I keep hoping this mood will pass.

I don't know when I will ever reach a point where I don't want to drink. I am only mostly avoiding it out of fear and lack of opportunity. Any freedom, and it starts again. I think about it constantly. I am still going to AA, but I find it almost painful to sit and listen. I just refuse to believe that God is the answer to this. I refuse to believe that a spiritual solution is the only one. I believe this is a mental illness with probably physical, genetic, and biochemical origins.. combined with all the environmental factors that led to my low self esteem and self hate. I just don't know how to fix any of that. Anti-craving meds have never helped me because my cravings are more mental/thought based than physical. I have tried several. Therapy.. I don't know. Rehabs and detox usually push the 12 steps as the solution. They don't really spend much time trying to figure out how we became addicts and what we need to fix in ourselves that we can't tolerate. So I don't know. I just keep hoping my parents will leave town, so I can binge. That would fix this mood. Temporarily.. but still. I don't have another solution at the moment. I am just existing.

New Year

It was pointed out that I haven't written in a while. I just wanted to check in. I feel like now that things are not a constant crisis, I don't know what to write about. I am stuck in just an endless cycle of work and exhaustion. Before work, I am focused on minimizing stress and saving energy for work. I am worrying about work. I dream about work. Last night it was a dream that I bitched to my supervisor about how another coworker who is driving me crazy. Then I come home at night, and I don't have energy left to do anything. I eat dinner and watch TV, and really just kill time until I can go to bed. I just look forward to going to bed and watching Netflix and going to sleep. I have no desire to do anything.. I feel like I should read or draw or do anything, but I seriously just play games on my phone and scroll through Pinterest.

So in reality, I think I am struggling with depression. It's just not the suicidal crisis kind of depression.. it's the kind where I can't sleep because I'm worried and feel exhausted if I don't get 9 hours of sleep. I have no interest in anything. My happiness pretty much only comes from my interactions with animals. I am so over people, but when a dog rests their head on me.. or gives me a kiss. That feels nice. My coworkers.. make me feel very aware of my social anxiety and of the awkwardness of my situation. Like my supervisor asked where I worked before this, and I told her. She seemed shocked and asked why I left the lab, and I was silent for a second trying to decide how much was ok to tell her. I ended up just saying mental health stuff. Then there was an awkward conversation where 2 coworkers (who are like 17 and 19) were discussing being hospitalized for depression in high school. I kind of said I had been to that hospital, but I didn't elaborate. I realize I have this tendency to brag (although maybe not the right word) about hospitalizations. It comes from that competition in hospital to make it seem justified that you're there. People insist on sharing how many times they've been in hospital or attempted suicide or what drugs they've done and everything. I tend to get defensive because patients will try to imply you're not as bad. I had to remind myself that work is not somewhere I need or should compete about this. But yeah.. it's awkward.

I worry because I don't know what the future holds. I am just saving my money because I am ashamed to spend it, but I don't know what I am saving for.. a car? an apartment? None of it seems achievable in the near future, so I am just saving. I know I am not mentally well enough to live alone. I am functioning, but I want with every fiber of my being to go back to drinking. I should probably be looking for a therapist, but I hate the idea of sacrificing my limited time off on therapy that probably won't help.. I mean I have done therapy. I don't know what will fix this. I am not ready or willing to consider the whole God thing again. I go to AA a couple times a week, and I force myself to sit there. I don't believe that's the only solution, and I am not willing enough to try it. I guess things aren't bad enough right now for me to want change.

So it's another year, and I am going nowhere. I am mildly scared now because my parents are talking about moving and buying a house sometime in the next year.. and I have a (probably irrational) fear they will not want me in the new house or buy a house too small to let me live there. So again.. I am saving money. I am waiting for it all to fall apart. I have no dreams or goals or resolutions. I am stuck in this daily cycle and that is all I have energy for. Writing all this has me slightly more depressed, so I am off to pinterest to ignore my troubles.
I hope your New Year is going better...

Anxiety

These past couple weeks I feel like I'm sinking. It's not an obvious downward spiral like some in the past. This is a lot more subtle and has left me questioning myself as to whether or not it's normal or a valid cause for concern.

I don't really know when it started. I just know that I am much more anxious and bothered by a lot of things that I was handling ok. I am back to being exhausted when I come home from work at 7pm.. like I am yawning on the drive home. Except, work has been unusually slow this week. I went home early on a couple nights and spent time sitting around on others. Most days weren't physically tiring (although yesterday I got smacked in the face by a Goldendoodle and later an Irish wolfhound who were jumping on me). Mentally and emotionally, work has been difficult. I am back to worrying in my head all day about everything.. have I been sitting down too long? do I seem lazy? what time should we do this? is it too early or too late? can I ask someone to do this or tell them something or will that be rude? was I too rude to the dog that's being a total jerk and jumping on me? The other night (please don't judge me for this story) I was just generally having a hard time with the dogs. Dogs that are normally well behaved were being difficult. Like there's these 2 Irish wolfhounds (very large dogs) boarding with us who I adore. Normally (I have done this on multiple occasions) I can put a leash on one and the other will follow me the short distance from the yard to their room. That night one decided to wander off. Well, I put her sister in the room and the other dog I had leashed (I only had 2 leashes). I am calling the other and this special needs girl who works for us was just standing and watching. This was not the first time that day that she had just stood around watching me do things rather than doing her work. She's also not supposed to touch the dogs or go in rooms, but she kept trying to pet them while I had them on leashes which makes them act up. So I said as calmly as I could "Are you picking up bowls?" she nodded (not actually doing anything) "Can you do that and stop watching the dogs?". I felt horrible because I know I said it kind of harshly, but if there was a dog loose in the bag (even one completely harmless like this one) it was not a good idea for her to just stand there. I won't even go into the time I was trying to wrestle a dog (not harmless.. an obnoxious and out of control labrador) into his room and she just stood there and watched. I had to tell her to leave because I didn't want her getting hurt if he got away.

But anyway.. I am just a constant ball of worry at work now. I just anxiously wait for everything to be done and then you would think I would be relieved. No.. then I go home and worry about other things. Recently, it's been christmas shopping. I became obsessed with having a "good" Christmas list to give my parents and brother.. it had to be things that I wanted/needed but weren't too expensive or too weird or would take up too much space in the house. Then I had to pick the perfect gifts for them and spend the right amount of money. I don't like to buy off lists because I want them to think I know them well enough to pick the presents, but then I feel guilty for not buying what they ask for. Then I had everything picked out but didn't want to order them too early because I might later find a better option or they might think I was weird for buying things too soon.. and since I have Prime shipping on amazon this could have carried on until 2 days before Christmas. I finally ordered everything yesterday on my break at work because I needed to stop thinking about it. It was occupying my evenings and then keeping me up at night. I know this anxiety is largely because I wasn't around last Christmas. I went into hospital on Christmas Eve and then into rehab until mid January. I didn't buy anyone presents, but they bought me things that I opened whenever I got home. I wasn't there for any other holiday plans, and i was honestly grateful at the time because the drinking was horrible and so was the suicidal thoughts. Plus, last year I had zero money and was just building credit card debt to buy alcohol. I couldn't afford gifts. This year I am here and have some money, and I feel like I have to make up for last year.

I am just finding everything too much. I am exhausted and anxious and keeping it all inside. Last night my mom mentioned we were going to a restaurant today that is not what I was originally told. I was exhausted from work and trying to read stuff on my phone and I guess I made a face. She asked if I didn't want to go because I made a face. I can't explain that I was already very anxious because I came home from work to see they brought all the Christmas decorations out of storage and so that plus the fact that we would need to go to the grocery store meant that I was already anxious about the almost certain fact that they would be arguing today. That meant my day off would include awkwardly listening to them fight and trying to keep the peace.. plus possibly decorating.. plus grocery shopping which is stressful with them.. and now I was facing going to a new restaurant I had never been to. That meant I needed to look up the menu because I always choose what I am going to get in advance (it's not an ED thing.. just anxiety) and figure out what I would need to wear to a new place. This all just means that my day off isn't a day off. It's an exhausting series of anxiety provoking activities. In my current mental state, my ideal day off would involve watching Netflix in bed and sleeping. Honestly, work days are less anxiety provoking than my days off right now.. and I couldn't think of any polite way to explain all this, so I just said I wasn't upset.

So yes.. things are just hard right now, and I would seriously love a few drinks or at least a day where I don't have to deal with people. I have no idea what to do about any of this. I don't want more medication (at least not unless they could give me benzos). My case worker/counselor is proving to be useless. I did explain a lot of this to her, but she didn't really offer advice or a solution. I have stopped IOP.. partly because I don't want to have to keep lying about my last relapse and my sobriety date and partly because it wasn't helping to sit around and watch the same stupid videos I have seen at least twice. I have started going to another support group, but I am unsure what to think of it. It's more for mental health.. the first week we talked about breathing exercises and emotions but there were 4 of us there and only 2 of us talked. Last week it was about gratitude and we watched a video and then he let us go very early. I ended up sitting outside for like 20 minutes because I didn't want to text my mom to come get me that early and have her criticize or question the group (and in my mind me for choosing this over IOP). I am hoping to have health insurance soon, but I don't know what it will cover in terms of mental health.. so I don't know if anything will improve. I just want the holidays to be over with because it's only going to get worse.

The mess that is my life

Sorry I haven't been posting. I actually keep writing posts and deleting them because they don't seem important enough.. or they're just a rambling mess. I think I struggle to post positive things, and I also think my life is very monotonous. For a couple months not much has changed, and the things I am dealing with I am actively avoiding thinking about. I think I will try to organize this by topics.. that might work better.

Eating disorder.. I am actually doing quite well. I don't think I consciously chose recovery. I still don't think I have it in my head that I am recovering or want recovery because I view the eating disorder as a life long problem. I just reached a point when I started working that I didn't have the energy to keep doing it. I would eat a meal and just be too tired to purge. I am busy, so I am not constantly eating. So I haven't binged or purged in at least a month now. It is nice to use that energy for other things. I am actually losing weight from all the walking at work and from eating less (and medication changes), and that's nice. I honestly think my meds lead to a lot of weight gain and so did the stress eating. I don't eat all that unhealthy otherwise.

Alcohol.. I had another relapse this past week when my parents went out of town. I don't feel all that guilty. Part of me wonders if my life is just going to be periods of sobriety with occasional binge drinking because I still don't really want to not drink. As soon as I am left alone, I cannot tolerate it. I don't know what to do with myself. I was amazed I managed to kill a couple hours after they left before going to a meeting and then the liquor store (my excuse if anyone asked why I left the house was that I walked to an AA meeting..). I guess after a couple days though I can see I wouldn't be able to sustain it. I drank 2 bottles of vodka in 3 days, and I was exhausted and nauseous the last day when I had to get up for work. But I am thinking of how to get away with doing it again? I am going to AA, but I am so not at a place where I want anything to do with God. I am not willing to believe that the only solution has to be a spiritual one, and I am scared to discuss that with anyone because my last sponsor said she was OK with this but then still told me to pray. Some days it all feels like a cult, and I am going to keep up appearances and because I need the connection.. but I am not really working any sort of program.

Depression and mental health.. Well, I am seeing a new psychiatrist and a new case worker. The psychiatrist is.. better? Not perfect.. but the first time I met with her I convinced her to lower my seroquel because I was almost too drowsy to function. She did that readily. She asked a bunch of questions.. I think trying to figure out how I ended up on the meds I am on.. asking about mania or anger or anything that would lead to me being on 600mg of Seroquel. I think she saw my point that it was unnecessary, but she might still think I am bipolar or something. The case worker.. I like. I have seen her twice, and she seems very goal oriented. She asks a lot about what goals I want.. and I have explained a lot about how I do set small goals once or twice a week. I have some big problems that if I think about them as a whole, are overwhelming and can lead to impulsive behaviors. I do things a step at a time, and she likes that method. We talked about trying to be more social and independent a future goals, and right now that mostly means not avoiding my coworkers so much. She also is OK with me stopping the aftercare IOP group because I am not getting anything out of it anymore, and I am going to look into another support group they offer that covers all mental health and not just addictions.

Work.. going very well. My supervisor finally asked after a month at least of me being schedule 35 hours a week (considered full time over 30) if I want to be full time or part time. I said full time is good now that I know I can handle it (didn't mention that I also was originally doing part time because I was applying for disability). I have gotten praise from multiple people there on how I am doing, which makes me super uncomfortable but also happy. I like the people.. although I have skipped the last 2 times they planned things outside of work. In my defense, they told me the day of the first thing and the day before the 2nd. I need more notice than that since I don't have a car and also must mentally prepare. I am talking to people more at work instead of just pacing around the back.

Other shit.. I have a consultation Monday with a bankruptcy attorney. That's the issue I have been avoiding and approaching slowly. I am not thinking about what happens after the consultation either if I go through with this or have to find another solution to the debt problems. I continue to reassure myself that the creditors can't take things I don't have. Even if they take my money, I am not actually spending it. It's all just sitting there until I figure out what to do. I definitely need professional advice because I am clueless about these things. I just had to find an attorney that offered payment plans or something because the first lady just said it would be $2500 and to do the debt counselling and call her back. I am not going to go with her. I am not thinking further into the future about things like moving out or anything because I need to deal with the wreckage of the past first.

I was very happy that with this new job, I could buy my brother and my mom birthday presents. I've bought a few clothes for myself and finally splurged on a set to do gel nail polish that was only like $17. Also when my parents were gone, I've taken Lyft to and from work, so I am not 100% relying on them for transportation. I also opened a checking account (that I had to check the balance of today because I haven't used it since I opened it but had my direct deposit go through twice). It's amazing even having that much freedom. I ordered Indian food while my parents were gone from a vegetarian Indian restaurant, and that was pretty cool.

So I am exhausted.. I am still often tired and overwhelmed and counting the hours until bed. Things aren't perfect, and I am afraid it will all come crashing down. I'm still here though.

An update and a rant (the usual)

I am not really sure when or what I posted the last time, so I am just going to do a general update if anyone is interested. Then if my exhausted brain is still working well enough, I will ramble a bit about some alcohol/recovery related stuff.

I started to type that things are going well, but I don't know if that is really accurate. Things still feel very shaky. I am doing well in many ways, but I feel like mentally it would take very little to change that. Like if anything stressful happens or even if I get too tired, I still have the crazy thinking that could lead to something stupid. It's just pretty quiet right now because of the energy that it takes for me to function on a daily basis. I have in my head this vague understanding of the routine that I maintain to keep me sane and functioning. Like I don't think normal people function this way. I have for months now been sleeping to 9:30-9:40 every morning. Anything later than that seems like it's too late and that isn't socially acceptable.. or basically I feel like if i sleep any later then my parents will either think I am lazy or suspect that I am drinking. I can wake up earlier but really  not for more than a couple days before I start to feel more tired and more irritated and also just anxious over the thought that I am sleeping less. I go to bed every night between 11 and 11:30. Anything before 11 is not acceptable and may seem suspicious. I slept all the time when I drank and I had periods of depression where I went to bed earlier just as an excuse to escape from my family. I then watch an episode of Greys Anatomy in bed after taking my meds, feeding the cats, and brushing my teeth etc. I browse certain websites/forums and check instagram. This hour or so of time in bed is MY time because I get to be alone and do the things I actually want to do. I have nights where my body is sore and exhausted and I pretty much fall into bed. This still means I sleep 9 hours a night most of the times, and I have been thinking for the past couple weeks that I shouldn't be exhausted if I go a night or two on less sleep. A few days I have had to get up at 5am to go to work at 6, and it leaves me so tired I could cry by the early evening. I finally came to the conclusion that I am a person with severe depression, and I simply need more sleep than some people. I also can't really make up for lost sleep on other days because sleeping late is not acceptable and also because I like to have a certain amount of time to get ready in the morning. Getting ready isn't just showering and eating breakfast.. I have to go on my computer and check certain sites and I have to watch TV and just it all has to happen in a certain way to avoid stress.

But yeah.. work is screwing with this because the manager I think is either not aware that I discussed being part time with the supervisor that interviewed me.. or just doesn't care. I have been working 35 hours a week when he does the schedule including working at 6am Friday, then noon-9PM yesterday, and 6am again today.. and last night was fucking crazy. It's this whole passive aggressive mess between the back of house supervisor and this girl that was hired a couple weeks after me. Basically.. no one really has been telling her what she needs to be doing differently/better. They just keep complaining about it to me and each other when she's not there. I can clearly see that the primary issue is that this new girl gets overwhelmed really easily and then panics and can't get stuff done. She was never really told she had to be independent (like I was) so she always comes to ask what to do.. but sometimes they just avoid her and are surprised that she doesn't do the right things. I have been uncomfortable from the beginning that they left me to help train her when I was new and now I am not comfortable being the one correcting her and telling her what she needs to do differently. Like I try to calm her down when she's panicked (because maybe she can't find a dog's food on the dinner cart) and comes to me and says she can't find it. I would just go to the kitchen and look but she has to be told that and then explain to me why she's confused about it. Sometimes I will flat out correct her if it's something with serious consequences.. and sometimes I just can't because I am exhausted and SUPER ANXIOUS in my own head and will snap. Like I told her 3 times last night where 2 dogs rooms were. I mean I see the problem because I am/was just as anxious and would get lost taking dogs back and worry about things that weren't right.. but I keep it to my damn self and only ask questions when I can't figure it out. But yeah.. so last night the supervisor and I did a LOT of work while she did relatively little.. and the supervisor was really pissed off and I was just exhausted and thinking that I had to be up at 5 today. Being exhausted leads to a lot of impulsive thoughts.. like swallowing bottles of pills.. and I'm too tired at time to fight them rationally, so I just have to stay busy until I can sleep.

One thing about this job is that it has helped the ED situation. Honestly, I am just too tired to purge anymore. I am probably eating less because of working and not being so bored. I have gone from walking 3-4,000 steps a day to 10-20,000 on days I work.. so I am ok with it. The depression is not awful. It's there, and the anxiety is there. I am dealing with looking for a bankruptcy attorney again (at my parents pressure) because legal aid wouldn't help me. I also have the financial issue and lawsuit over the one credit card bill. I am trying just not to give a fuck because 1. I have no defense.. I owe the money 2. I have no property they can take and 3. I have almost no money.. and the only thing that could fix it is the bankruptcy. I am just choosing not to think about it.. I am wondering at what point I should figure out what to do with my money. I don't know if I should be giving it to my parents, paying smaller bills, saving it, or what. I have only spent a little.. basically bought another pair or work shoes and pants, my mom's birthday present, and that's pretty much it.

On the topic of alcoholism.. I have no fucking clue. I have been sober since August. I haven't contacted my AA sponsor in weeks. I am really struggling with the whole idea of AA. There is a line in the book that says "To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face" that sums it up. I am fine with believing alcoholism is a mental and physical illness, but I am not buying into the only solution being spiritual at this point. I feel like people (mainly my sponsor and my IOP therapist) say it's fine for my higher power not to be god, but then after a while start wanting me to talk about god. This is partially my own fault for clarifying that I do/did believe in a creator, so they think it's ok to talk about. My therapist wanted me to write assignments as if I believed. My sponsor wanted me to actually talk to god. I said repeatedly that I don't believe in a god that I can have a relationship with, and that God and I are not on speaking terms. She would say that's fine, and then tell me to ask God everyday to remove my desire to drink and to keep saying my 3rd step prayer everyday. If I say I am not speaking to God, I am not speaking to god. That includes just saying words out loud as if I was talking to him... words mean something. Saying that stuff out loud is like saying I am read to actually try to have that relationship again.. and I have tried. This whole God thing has been complicated since I was a child, so this isn't something that just happened during my drinking. So now I go to AA meetings and sit there feeling distant and not a part of. **absolutely no offense meant to anyone this is just my feelings** It feels a little like a cult. It feels impossible that these people all found a higher power and have these great relationships with him or her or whatever. It also feels like if I am not able to accept that solution, I am screwed. So I don't know what to do. I am not drinking, but I am fantasizing about that next opportunity. If there isn't a solution for me, then part of me wonders why I should bother. I can either risk having an occasional drinking binge with periods of abstinence in between, or I can risk the drinking binges leading to death because I am honestly not so well as to not see that as an appealing option. I accept feedback on this by the way, but NOT if it's to tell me to pray or build a relationship with God. It might happen, but it's not going to be now. Now I am just working on survival and spiritual life is not my concern.

Honestly right now I am just trying to hold out those last 10 minutes until I can go to bed.