Honesty

I know I have not written in a while. I felt like I was just repeating myself. We have been in the new house since August, but they haven't actually finished moving out of the old house. Like Wednesday I got surprised with having to go and take at least a dozen wagons full of branches from the bushes my dad decided to cut down (that were there when they moved in 20+ years ago) but couldn't actually handle the effort. My mom bitched about him all day, so I really don't think anyone can judge me for drinking.

So I went to therapy and said a lot I haven't told her. I mentioned that I had a close friend in high school during my really suicidal time that was in a car accident and had brain damage. I still carry the guilt of only seeing her once in the hospital. I helped paint her nails. She was totally not mentally there. I mentioned it while saying that I listen to music and watch shows repeatedly for comfort. She and her other friend in art class got me hooked on Bright Eyes... Which I have to limit listening to because I associate them with those friends and my plan to kill myself that summer.

Then I basically explained how I read something recently that there's no bad reason to keep living. It is mainly my cats these days. My goal in life is to be a crazy cat lady. I want to rescue animals. I have accepted I probably won't have kids. I actually explained the few guys I dated. One tried to pressure me into making out and made me feel uncomfortable. The second I went on 3 dates and had terrible sex with. Then he never asked me out again. The last one I only saw for sex, and I had to be drunk to do it.. and it was never fun. So I finally decided to give up on dating or sex. I feel empowered that asexual is now a valid sexuality, and it isn't just a symptom of mental illness. I am not opposed to dating, but it's my last priority.

Anyway... It was way more than I have ever shared. It was kind of cathartic. It was proof I am still working on myself. There is so much introspection that is silent and too deep to share, but I told her a lot. I am trying. I am just mainly clinging to any little thing of value in my life because anything is a reason to go on.

But if uploading works, here is my baby boy with a tiny pumpkin. That's a reason to live, right?

The good, the bad, the ugly

I'm sorry I haven't felt like posting. Things have been changing, and I didn't know what to say or if anyone would read it.

So I survived the move. I had to leave my job. I cried because the dogs knew. They were so affectionate and clingy during my last group. One dog kept grabbing me and licking my ears. One dog I love so much wasn't there, so I visited when I was in town for therapy. I gave the dog so many kisses. They didn't act like that was so weird. I did give notice. It's just such a drive.

I survived the move. We're still working on it. My stuff (like 3 boxes) is unpacked. I knew I needed my stuffed Pusheen and the bedding to sleep. It's been almost a week, and I have set the boundary that I will help unpack the other stuff if they tell me what to do.

I am drinking.. I may have paid to get a Lyft to a liquor store. However, today I messaged my ex sponsor.. which is really awkward because probably about 2 years ago she told me she had to give me to god. It was as I was moving home, and it pretty much made me feel toxic. Today, I was sad.. very sad, so I texted her to see if the women's meeting I used to go to is still happening tomorrow.

She said she was happy to hear from me. She goes to another group now but said she would meet me there tomorrow morning. She said she looks forward to seeing me. I have no idea what to say to her tomorrow. There is so much good and bad. I think I will cry because I haven't been back to see anyone from AA in this town for.. I guess years. I didn't realize until after the text that it's been that long. I don't know.. I am crying typing this. I am hoping to maybe make friends nearby. I am also unsure about making my parents drive me there. I just wonder if I still have friends there. I have only had my parents and co-workers for so long. It is hard to think of having friends. That and knowing I can't get alcohol as easily and need to stop... So I am watching Netflix in bed. I do have a TV in my room now, so that's another positive. I will try to update more tomorrow

Also, I have been really honest with my therapist. The goal has honestly been to stay out of the hospital and stay alive. I set little goals like update my resume, pack/unpack, and basically a couple things I can manage. I focus on the positive things and don't really process the rest. I don't know how this will work long term, but it's working

Self care is...

So I am really struggling these days with drinking. I went from occasional binge drinking to drinking pretty much daily, and I am starting to feel the toll it takes on my body. I'm exhausted.. my stomach is upset.. and I have this constant feeling like I am being strangled that I know is a sign of anxiety and sometimes a withdrawal symptom. I don't know how to describe that feeling, but my throat gets really tight. The past couple days I have been nauseous and thrown up repeatedly (when sober) because my stomach doesn't appreciate the alcohol. Then I get nauseous because I am really hungry... it's a fun cycle. I am forcing myself to eat because it won't help to be malnourished on top of this.

So anyway, I have been honest in therapy about everything going on. I don't know if it's actually good or if my sick mind just appreciates it, but my current therapist is very understanding about the drinking being a coping mechanism as well as an addiction. She understands my perspective that it's a lesser evil than the suicidal thoughts and the self harm. She knows that I am struggling to cope with my impending move and not knowing what to do with my life, so we are mostly trying to prevent things getting out of hand. My parents are going to a concert and staying at a hotel after tomorrow night, and I am planning some self care. For me that is not always the stereotypical stuff like facials and spa days. It is allowing myself to drop the act. I keep up a self imposed set of rules to appear to be normal. I don't go to bed before 11 or wake up past 10. I eat meals with my parents and run errands and go to work. I shower at least 5-6 days out of the week and either wash my hair or recently switched to a cleansing conditioner because it does less damage.

Tomorrow the plan is to relax. I ordered food from Whole Foods because my parents hate going there, but as a vegetarian I appreciate that they carry so many brands and products I can't get anywhere else. Field Roast came out with some new products (fake corndogs and fake buffalo wings) that I have been dying to try but only are sold at Whole Foods and I guess some Walmarts (not the ones I have been to). I also bought Halo Top because sometimes ice cream is necessary. My therapist asked today to make sure I am eating, and I am. I just have trouble making myself eat unappealing food, so I am eating what sounds good. Yesterday I drank a non-diet soda because I knew I needed to raise my blood sugar at work but couldn't manage solid food. This is overcoming a major ED rule.. and honestly predates the ED because as a child I was only allowed diet soda too. I just know that low blood sugar only makes things worse. I am going to enjoy trying some new vegan products because I am constantly seeing new veg recipes and products that sound awesome to me but not my omnivore parents. I subscribe to a vegan magazine and that's how I saw ads for these products. I am ordering them because FUCK it I have the money saved up to make a frivolous purchase. I am also going to dye my hair. I have red dye I ordered because my current color faded, and I have the purple semi-permanent color I bought the last time I dyed it but didn't have the energy to try. I am planning either streaks or something similar to the balayage technique people do with highlights (basically painting it on). Hair is one of the few things I feel confident about. I also don't like doing it when my parents are home. In all honesty, I prefer to be able to walk around topless when I dye my hair because I don't want dye on my clothes. I don't get that freedom much.

Besides that.. I plan to drink and go to sleep before 11.. I might sleep on the couch with Netflix on. I am just freaking exhausted. I want to drop the act and sleep. Then the plan is to taper myself off the alcohol before it gets so bad that I have full on withdrawals. I discussed options with my therapist.. limiting what I buy, not taking my wallet to work (I can walk to a liquor store on my lunch break), and buying a worse tasting vodka. The idea is to wean myself off in a way that doesn't cause the horrible insomnia that comes with withdrawal that always leads back to drinking. I finally feel like the consequences are bad enough to motivate me to stop for now. I am not committed to never drinking again. That doesn't feel realistic. I just want to stop doing it everyday. I want to not be physically dependent on it. I also want to look into support groups besides AA. I would not say I am an atheist these days, but God and I are not on speaking terms. My current AA group is really big on God.. the ones that started off agnostic or atheist talk about how they go to church now. My last sponsor told me to pray whether I believed it or not. I do not believe God is the only solution to my problems. I also think that a lot of people I hear had a problem with alcohol or drugs but not preexisting mental health problems. For me not drinking is only a small part of a much larger issue. I cannot be alone in my own head. That leads to all kinds of bad thoughts and urges that don't go away when I'm sober. Alcohol has honestly saved my life so many times because those thoughts go away when I drink. I was very unhappy at points in sobriety, so I do not think working the steps for drinking will fix things. I need to find a way to fix my brain, and AA doesn't do that. I am going to research other programs like Smart Recovery that I have heard is non-religious or maybe groups through NAMI for mental health.. currently I know a man in AA who seriously annoys and offends me that goes to the NAMI groups, so I have to find ones that are somewhere else if I do that because I cannot stand him. He tells these really offensive jokes to people before meetings and he cross-talks and just really bothers me. I just know that I need therapy and mental help to overcome my underlying issues to make the alcohol less necessary. Right now the first step is going to be rest. I am going to try to enjoy myself alone in the house tomorrow and drop the act. I am going to buy products that are vegan because I do actually have strong feelings about eating meat and animal products. I don't have a lot of morals, but I value this. I do not feel I can be an animal lover and eat animals.. I want to give up dairy and eggs but I don't know how to do that living with my parents. They buy most groceries now, so I am staying vegetarian for now. I am trying when I buy things with my own money to support brands that fit my values.. more vegan, more cruelty free. I am going to look into non-spiritual solutions to my NOT spiritual problem. I am going to do my best to cope, and I am ok with that meaning drinking right now. I will try to taper off, but I am happy with anything that keeps me alive. I have to hold out that there is hope.. and honestly my main hope is to be a crazy, vegan cat lady. I want to adopt a bunch of cats and live on my own and go vegan. I want to adopt old cats that can't find homes. I want to acknowledge that I don't think I care about having a human partner. My dad sometimes jokes about how the term asexual is not really a sexuality/identity and just a life choice. I love that people are trying to make not having sex and not having relationships a lifestyle and not a mental illness. I am not saying I am asexual.. I don't really know, but I only have dated and had sex because society views it as normal. I put myself in some awkward situations because I felt I should be interested in men. Now I don't think having a husband or children is likely for me, but I want to give animals a home. I want to take homeless animals and give them however many happy years they have left. I don't know if I would foster them or just adopt them and be the stereotypical crazy cat lady.. I'm cool with that. I can hope for that. I don't hope for a normal family. I just want independence and a happy existence.

So this has been a lot of rambling, but I am so caught up in my head these days with no one to talk to. I have so many goals and dreams that are out of my reach right now because of finances. I have to hold onto every little thing I can do that fits these dreams.. be it dyeing my hair or buying vegan corndogs... I do not make enough to live alone right now, so I have to do whatever I can to be happy. My whole point with this was that self care isn't always a spa day.. it's doing what doesn't exhaust your soul. It's doing things that make you cling to life and hope and not think about death. Existence is different when you have a mental illness, and that's ok.. my goals are very different than a lot of people.. but I can celebrate my accomplishments. I am still so far from my worst, but I am still far from my best. I cling to the idea that I can do good in this world because for so long I have had no goals. I will live to be a crazy cat lady (or maybe dog lady) and imagine sleeping in a bed with a whole bunch of animals that love me and whose lives I have saved. Fuck humans.. I honestly feel more at home with animals.

So yeah.. sorry I don't update often if anyone still reads this. I am just trying to survive. Forgive my ramblings, but I don't have much outlet for this anymore..

Mental block

So I have been posting on Instagram the past few days because it honestly (and this sounds stupid) has been so important in my recovery the past few months. Blogger really was before, but it's been less active, so I have been relying on Instagram and some unhealthy ED related sites. It allows me to see actual people living with mental health problems.. because so much talks about recovering from eating disorders or depression and not living with chronic mental health problems. My issues.. I am not likely to recover from any time soon. It's shown me, other adults have to live with their parents. Other people celebrate the little accomplishments because they aren't little for everyone. I have managed to change my mentality to see people living with eating disorders, and I can see how many ways I have changed in my recovery. I mean.. I spent years only eating vanilla yogurt because when the bulimia started that flavor was slightly lower in calories than the fruit ones.. so I absolutely convinced myself I preferred it. Then in treatment they gave us vanilla (albeit a much higher calorie brand). Now.. I buy whatever I want. My dad is on a diet and doing what I consider some disordered things like measuring the granola he eats in the morning. I see the measuring cup on the counter. I work a very active job right now, so I buy a yogurt that is NOT nonfat.. like one with a freaking layer of caramel on the bottom.. or sprinkles. I pour the granola in.. or take a handful. If I am still hungry.. I ate a taco before work yesterday to make sure I was ok for work. I get up in the middle of the night and eat if I am hungry. This is a level of recovery I couldn't dream of for years and seeing people in other stages reminds me of that.

In terms of depression and alcoholism, I am not that far. I am struggling. The positive is that in a year and 3 months, I have not been hospitalized. In a year and like 8 months, I have not attempted suicide. Those are big things. In like 10 years.. that's the longest I have been out of the hospital. I was reminded in a conversation with a coworker yesterday because we were talking about medications of how much damage was done in those last few hospital stays. In november 2017, the doctor (for reasons he didn't even really explain) put me on 300mg of Seroquel twice a day even though I am NOT bipolar or psychotic.. he also took me off my antidepressant.. I don't even know. I was like the walking dead for over a year until I got a doctor to take me down to 200mg of Seroquel for sleep and 2 antidepressants. On a good day, I have energy. Today.. not so much.. but I have personality and a sense of humor. I could easily do something stupid and go to the hospital and get to sleep and escape, but I would have to undo the damage later. I would rather try to work with my doctor next week to make live manageable in the real world.

What I was talking about with my therapist today was this complete mental block I have involving my education and my career. When I was working on my Masters degree, my alcoholism started.. and my depression got horrible. I finished all my courses.. I actually made good grades. When I was trying to focus and write my professional paper (basically a literature review in lieu of a thesis), I kept going into the hospital.. with the alcoholism I could barely remember what I had read or written each time I got out. It was like each time i had to start over. Then, I went through ECT. That's pretty much how i lost the job I loved.. I explained that unofficially, I lost it because of my drinking. I acknowledge that, but the performance improvement plan I was put on was only when I admitted to undergoing ECT and having severe anxiety about my short term memory because of it. I was so afraid I would forget about a policy update or an email. Between the alcohol and ECT, there's about a year I have very patchy memory of. I am still doubtful of my brain and my memory. Every time I can't remember a dog's name at work, I worry that my brain is damaged. I mean.. I can remember stupid little details and conversations I have had. I know it isn't that I can't remember anything. I just worry that my brain isn't what it was. That's why I am scared to look for science jobs. I view myself as damaged. I don't have the focus or attention span I did, but that might just be because I have been unchallenged. Outside of the hospital, I don't read books.. I don't read science journals. Honestly.. I am impressed that I have downloaded multiple phone games and a computer game because before I just blankly stared at Pinterest without even focusing my eyes. I am trying.. but I am so afraid to find out I can't do what I was doing.

So why is this coming up.. it's a whole lot of things at once. Basically, my parents are talking about buying a house. I have checked finally (awkwardly) that I can still live with them when they do.. but they are talking about moving much further than I thought. It's rather too far to be worth moving for the job I am at.. like I am not being paid enough to move out at the moment. Why would I drive that far for this? Except that these people have been so nice and understanding about my struggles.. and I love the dogs. I just want to be independent. My goals are so low right now.. financial independence and my own place. I can't get there without a second job or a different job. My parents moving is putting pressure on me sooner than I expected. I haven't mentally processed all this. I don't want to make an impulsive decision. I can't just quit this job since it gives me insurance. So I have to think about change. Currently, I am contemplating either veterinary technician certification or some kind of medical laboratory tech certification (there's multiple and I have to find out which ones hospitals look for). Both involve more school but maybe online.. both pay better and would probably be more consistent hours. Both require more of me than my current job and life. Today I am exhausted and have had 3 cans of pepsi max and am just trying to stay out of bed.. so it's hard to think about anything. It became so obvious explaining this to my therapist that all this is what's making it hard to sleep. My sleep deprived brain wants a way out (which is usually escapist and suicidal), and I silence it with Grey's Anatomy and Welcome to Nightvale. I need to think about it. I should probably set some higher goals for myself than just making it to 11pm before going to bed. There's just such a wall there. It is so hard to explain to those without mental illness how anxiety goes from fear to an almost physical wall that prevents you from doing things. After that 2 day mental break from work, it was what made my heart race and my hands shake when I went back.. further than that, it becomes chest pains. It becomes this feeling I am being strangled. I set my goals low because it was almost crippling before I moved home. I have made progress, but I need to get further if I want to move out. I want to move out so I can have an apartment where I can walk around in my underwear or naked.. so I can sleep in the afternoon.. so I can eat whatever the fuck I want. I can go vegan. That's a big motivation. I have to remind myself of that when that wall pops up... so my goal is to look into these certifications. Not to do it.. because one step at a time. I just have to look. I will remind myself how I want to be a crazy old, naked, vegan cat lady in my own place.. I can get cats like they're an impulse buy and love them with all my heart. I can have conversations with them like the little assholes they are.. I can only wear clothes when it's cold or I have to go outside. I can try all the crazy, plant based recipes I see that I know my parents won't touch. I can do so much.. I just have to get past this wall.

Learning to see the accomplishments

So I only have 20 minutes before leaving for work, but I am trying not to disappear for weeks at a time like I have been. Things aren't exactly good, but I am trying to see both positive and negative. N

Negatives.. I have been drinking.. first vodka then rubbing alcohol. I am so tired I can barely function. I spent 4 hours in bed yesterday just watching Greys Anatomy on Netflix because I couldn't function. I also vomited repeatedly because rubbing alcohol is terrible on my stomach.

Positives.. I finally asked my mom if I could still live with them if they buy a house. It was super awkward, but I asked. She said yes.. like I think in her mind it was implied that I could still live there. I also explained a little about the issue of how I'm not making a living wage at this job and have no idea what I want to do next. I tried to play it off as maybe if we move, I will find motivation to change jobs. Still.. that's one less fear.

I just honestly am so depressed I can barely function. I have had a cup of coffee and a Pepsi Max to try to make it through work. I honestly thought about calling in sick and then getting a hotel room to sleep in for 7 hours, but I won't. I can do this.

Also, positive.. I got my mom an awesome mother's day gift. It's a Fujifilm Instax (think like polaroid) camera for when they travel. I can't convince myself to spend money on clothes or anything practical, but I can spend on gifts..

I plan to take an extra Seroquel tonight and try to sleep off whatever this slump is. I am living with my mental illness right now and not dying from it.

Feeling selfish

I fully understand that I have no right to be upset about this or anything really. I just also am exhausted and not sleeping well and my mental health is questionable at best. But anyway...

My parents are basically buying my brother a car. A used car.. and I guess he is going to pay them back eventually. His car is an old one that they actually gave him when my dad bought a newer one. It's falling apart and they decided rather than pay for the repairs to buy a cheap used car to replace it, so he has a reliable car to get to work.

I am frustrated because it just brings up all the thoughts and feelings of hopelessness. I have been working for 7 months and I don't have enough to buy a car. I would never ask my parents to help given I wrecked the last car. I also owe my parents thousands for rent and bills they helped with when I was unemployed. I just know I can't live on what I make right now, and I can't really look for a better job until I have a car because I don't want my parents to have to drive me further. I also don't know if I can handle another job. I get so anxious thinking about the possibility of having tons wake up early because I struggle to get up by 10 these days.

Then I have the anxiety that my parents are looking at houses because they are planning to buy a house this year. I can't bring myself to ask if I can still stay with them if I haven't sorted out a better job or figured out how to support myself by then. I don't know how to voice any of this fear to them because I don't think they will understand. I also have so much guilt about how I ended up in this situation. I don't know how to explain how lost I feel.

So I am scared and a little angry. I just want a break from people, so I can stop pretending that I am fine. I don't want to hear about my brother's car. I don't want to look at pictures of the houses my parents might buy that I don't know if I can live in.. that I don't really want to live in. I want out. I am not ready to be on my own, but this isn't a healthy place for me. I feel like if I can't get all my shit together, why try? For now I am just trying to shut out the thoughts.

Brief update

I will update on how today went since if you read my last post I was very worried about it. Honestly, it was about as good as I could expect. I kept my job. Honestly only the one supervisor who I had vented to both days I went home is the only one who asked about it. She asked if I was doing better and had gotten enough sleep. I kind of laughed and said better but not sleeping well. I think I was a bit bitter because the last 2 nights I have had awful nightmares. Including one that was like a nightmare inside another nightmare where I was trying to sleep and having dreams about being at work and being attacked by dogs and all sorts of bad scenarios, then I would seemingly wake up in my bed screaming or fall out of bed. I only know it's a dream because I know I would actually have woken my parents and gotten a response if i screamed. In the dream, it just kept happening. Last night.. I don't really remember the dreams but they were bad and repeatedly woke me up. Anyway, so I otherwise just kept working, and I ordered pizza for everyone because it makes me feel better about being an awful person. Then later I went up front and the 2 assistant managers and my supervisor were all there.. having a very odd conversation that had nothing to do with work or me. When it finally stopped, I said quietly to the supervisor that the real answer is I am doing better and my parents are home from vacation so I am safe. It seemed to click that I had mentioned that they were going out of town before all this. I didn't really elaborate on why that's such a problem.. but I think it was a better answer. I honestly just wanted to say that I'm safe, which is not 100% true... but I don't want them worried. I mean I am as safe as before.. and as safe as usual. My parents being around gives me the primarily self imposed idea that I have to keep up appearances. That means sleeping at normal hours, eating normal meals, and being social and talkative and reasonably happy (that's the part that's self  imposed). It also means there is someone in the house that would be upset if I went through with any of the elaborate plans my head comes up with. I mean I know on some level they would be upset even if they were in California and came home to find out I died or was missing, but when the thoughts are bed it only helps to know that they are in the house. They will notice much sooner if I disappear (since all the current plans tend to involve running away so they don't find my body in their house). 

From there, the day was only stressful in normal ways. I did get asked once if I was OK when I sat down at a table with someone else who was not present for me breaking down and going on about how depressed and exhausted I was.. but she's a supervisor and would surely know that I left those days. She may just have been asking because I looked tired, but I don't know. The other time was when I showed them (actually I guess both her and the manager asked this time) the long scratch I now have on my face from the dog. At that point, I think they have to ask in case I decide to sue or something over a superficial scratch. I got smacked in the face by a golden retriever.. it's not the first time I've been hit by a dog.. it was just annoying. But I survived the day with no other comments. I work again tomorrow with different people, so I am still worried about comments. I just feel better because I assume if I was being fired they would have done it or said something today. I just hope I can sleep tonight without any nightmares. 

Sorry that wasn't as brief as planned