New addition

So I've been thinking for a while of getting another cat.. since Mudge passed, it felt weird having just one. It also seemed like Odd (other cat) was bored.. he followed me around meowing non-stop when I get home from work. I am not sure why.. he always was talkative, but I think he gets bored home alone all day.
I was putting off looking for a new cat because my apartment is a bit of a mess.. well was.. I've made progress on that. It's a mix of bulimia related mess (food packages everywhere).. and then too much stuff. I have a million (well not quite) clothes that are too big.. I kept buying food I never eat (lots of beans).. and then other stuff like gifts and random purchases piled up. A lot of that happened during my drinking.. the stuff/mess part.. and I just couldn't deal with it when I first got sober. For a month or two of sobriety, there were empty vodka bottles all over my apartment because I was scared to touch them. I did manage to clean that up early on. The rest has been a work in progress.

I finally decided that the apartment was good enough, and honestly I've just been crazy lately.. not wanting to get out of bed, binging purging daily, and just generally not functioning.. and I decided maybe a new pet would help. Not sure if that logic makes sense, but I decided it did.

So meet Nermal.. that's her new name. He pre-adoption name was Elvira, and that just wasn't a good name.. so I had picked out Nermal.. even though I think Nermal (think Garfield comics) was a boy, but that's not important.

She's 11 weeks old.. though I swear she seems younger. She is much smaller than she looks in the 2nd picture.. Getting her to stand/sit still for a photo just wasn't working out. I adopted her from the SPCA. A friend from AA went with me, which was nice because for some reason I was super nervous about this. I've had really bad social anxiety lately, so at the pet store (they have cats there for adoption from different groups) my friend helped with finding someone to help us and getting everything filled out. I just picked a kitten.. and honestly I wanted a girl, and she was the only girl kitten.. so that was easy. I picked her up and she started purring, and even though I kinda wanted someone a little older.. I just couldn't not take her home.
She made herself right at home.. exploring the bedroom.. periodically coming over to meow at me. She slept on the bed for a little while when I was laying there. She's pretty fearless. Odd is uncertain about her. He hissed a couple times and then sat around watching her. He followed her a bit.. there's been some chasing but no more hissing. They both slept on the bed for a bit. Now I'm typing and she's climbing all over me and the desk chair. I am guessing by the purring that she's happy here. It's nice because I remember when I got Mudge, she hid under the bed the whole first day. I was convinced somehow that I did a terrible thing bringing her home.. I mean obviously not, and Mudge had a very happy life. This kitten not so worried about. I just hope her brother likes her.. they seem to be getting along alright. I'm sure they'll be good. 

Off the deep end

So I have very much been feeling lately like I am going crazy.. this has been going on for a couple weeks, but I honestly cannot remember how much of this I've mentioned.. so I may be repeating things.

It's very strange actually that the thought is frequently in my mind that I'm going crazy or I'm going mad or substitute whatever word or phrase my brain uses to describe it that day.. or what I say.. I've been thinking out loud more. Like I talk to myself a bit.. "We're going to do ______" or "Let's do this" except saying this out loud these days and not in my head. Or the other bit is that sometimes in my head I have to repeat myself. Like think the same phrase/thought twice. Never was quite sure that one made sense to anyone if I try to explain it. It's an obsessive thing. I was never diagnosed as OCD, but have been told I have OCD traits.. and honestly my current therapist is really obsessed with the idea of me having it. Like she's convinced all sorts of my behaviors/problems are to cover up OCD. Honestly, my explanation is very different.
In my opinion (or experience I guess) the compulsive behaviors and thinking were all learned as coping mechanisms during the couple years in college when I was on no medications. I had manipulated my psychiatrist into thinking I was all better after I got out of high school, and I was a lot better.. and then it all got worse. And I got very depressed. I started cutting and then started purging.. and then all the other crazy happened. I remember that I would count steps walking on campus or sometimes on the tile floor at work.. like it had to be a certain number of steps per square of sidewalk. I couldn't step on cracks.. I had a habit of tapping my fingers on things or just stuff like that. I was always a bit weird about numbers, and that was mixed up with the eating disorder as well.. but I also have never liked odd numbers. For a long time I've had to set the volume on my car stereo to an even number even if it seems too quiet or too loud.
Anyway, my opinion is it all started then to cope with the depression.. but whatever. Mainly my therapist's idea of the ED and everything coming from the OCD is pretty useless since she has no solution for that as the cause.

Those behaviors are back.. mainly the finger tapping.. or banging my wrist on the cart while grocery shopping while trying to make a decision that has me unhappy (like the endless battle about buying cheese.. or fruit). And then the repeating thoughts.

The other crazy is mainly eating disorder related. It mainly has to do with how obsessed my mind is over food. It's how aware I am of what food I've brought to work and what I've eaten. It's buying foods that I then won't eat.. like I have 3 expired yogurts in my fridge now because for a week I was really into greek yogurt, and then I stopped eating it. I cannot convince myself to eat it. I bought sliced apples.. and they're sitting in the fridge.. though largely that has to do with how little I've eaten the last few days I've worked.

Then there was Friday.. I woke up and went to school around noon.. got there at like 11:30ish. I brought an energy drink with me (zero calorie of course). I had thought I was going out to lunch with a friend because she cancelled a couple weeks ago, and last friday I did.. but she didn't show up at school. I had packed animal crackers and some other snack food.. my lunch box tends to end up with a variety of things because I never know what I'll eat, but I decided to go to the grocery store before work. Then I became obsessed with buying something else. I was going to buy fruit.. I stood there on my phone calculating calories in the containers of cut pineapple (which are thankfully sold by weight and therefore easy to calculate). I picked one out and entered the calories into fitbit. I then decided to pick a smaller one, but I left the calories as is.. whatever. I then went in search of something else to eat. I ended up with an individual serving package of cereal (store brand Cheerios basically). Together it would have been around 230 calories. This left some room I said for another snack. I also bought a 2nd energy drink and a diet soda.

I got to work.. and I drank the energy drink. I made a cup of coffee and had that. I had the coke zero. I couldn't convince myself to open my lunchbox and eat the cereal. I left the pineapple untouched in the refrigerator. Somewhere after a lot of this caffeine had kicked in, I went a bit crazy. I tried offering the fruit to coworkers so it wouldn't just sit in the fridge. I made the point of saying I brought it for dinner but didn't want to eat. At some point I was carrying energy drink 2 and called that dinner in front of someone. He had commented that it was 10 calories. I corrected him that it was 20 because it's 2 servings (this was a Monster Rehab which has juice in it). Anyway, I am usually not this obvious about not eating. But it's like I wanted someone to realize I wasn't eating because part of me desperately wanted to eat.. and knew I should eat since I was getting dizzy by later in the evening. I just couldn't do it. I worked for almost 11 hours. I got home around 2 and ate something eventually around 4am because at that point I was hungry and dizzy and couldn't sleep.

Saturday.. I ate another meal around noon of cheetos and tortilla chips with cheese. Then I binged and purged in the evening.. a pizza, breadsticks, cinnamon sticks, a pint of ice cream, fritos with cheese, and I think that's all I ate out of what I bought. I bought more food but didn't eat all of it.
Today I had fritos and cheese this morning.. after having told myself for the past couple days that I am going to try to stop eating dairy, but the argument this morning was that I had already bought the cheese.. so why not. Anyway, that's all I've had. I took all the food out of my lunchbox other than some crackers for if I thought I was going to get sick/pass out. I had an energy drink and a cup of coffee. Now I'm having a powerade zero in an attempt to be healthier.
The goal is not to eat tomorrow. I also need to remember to throw away the pineapple at work because it's probably not good now.
I went grocery shopping and bought 2 Vitamin Water Zeros, 2 Powerade zeros, 2 diet Monster energy drinks (because they're supposedly vegan..) the white one and orange ones. I also bought some random breadstick things because I spent a fair amount of time reading ingredients on things to decide what I could eat if I stop eating dairy.. but out of all I picked up and read, I only bought those because even if I ate the whole box it would be less than 400 calories. I like to figure out what would happen if I ate ALL of something. I also bought Sour Patch Watermelons and Trolli Watermelon Sharks (my current candy obsession that is vegetarian-friendly). I am not planning to take them to work tomorrow.

So I don't know.. it's not really madness I guess... just the eating disorder. Though I have also had some paranoid moments of thinking there's something in my apartment tonight.. like I'll hear any sort of noise or like a bag or paper will fall down and I think it's something.. like a rodent or a giant bug (I guess it would have to be giant to be making these sounds). I have moved things a couple times to see if there was something under or behind them. Nothing.. so that's weird. This sort of paranoia was normal when I was drinking but is odd in sobriety.

I haven't decided on the dairy thing.. like I was telling myself shopping today that I could probably be vegan except when binging/purging... then just vegetarian. And I see the flaw in that thinking.. like how is it less unethical to eat dairy when I'm binging? Except that I won't care as much then.. and will just feel guilty after. Other times, this eliminates several of my usual snack foods.. mainly the Flamin Hot cheetos or regular cheetos that make up about 50% of my intake.. then another large percentage was Parmesan Garlic pita chips.. which will have to become regular pita chips.. and those aren't as good. Also, this would mean no "Pizza Day" on Tuesday which is a new work thing they're trying to start.. I didn't have any last week because the last 2 times I ate pizza at work I tried purging at work and once it didn't work and the other I stopped after only a bit because I was paranoid someone would hear. And so no pizza.. but this is a more socially acceptable reason not to eat it than bulimia is. Same with skipping most catered food or any time they get takeout. They went for tacos today, and I was thinking that the restaurant they were going to probably cooks everything with lard (and I don't think this is paranoia.. it seems like that sort of place that would make there tortillas that way). So I didn't get anything. I had 2 cups of coffee instead.

My supervisor is driving me crazy.. he keeps talking about how he has anxiety and OCD.. and first he said he was going to see a psychiatrist. Now he says he's just going to see a therapist because he doesn't need medication. Then today his mom was guilting him about seeing a psychiatrist. And I am just nodding when he says things.. I am not going to engage in the paranoid, world is ending, anxiety conversations about work. I will just nod and listen. On the other topic.. I don't know what to say. I am NOT going to say in front of anyone else there that I see a psychiatrist and therapist. It also in my head is a bit of a Who's Crazier? contest.. ya know? Like I think he needs therapy or something other than talking to us at work, but I am having a hard time believing this is the huge deal he makes it into. He likes to think and think about the things that make him anxious until he's more anxious. And in my head I want to tell him when he goes on about getting help that he has NO idea how crazy I am. But then I am still holding a bit of a grudge because I said something about losing a lot of weight in a conversation a week or two ago, and he said that I've been the same size since he met me. Which isn't just kinda rude.. but it's also wrong. I've lost over 30 pounds since I got this job. I've gone from my size XL scrubs to a medium and probably should be buying smalls in some brands. I've gone from I think a size 16 to a 10. Actually I just looked this up and since March 22nd when I bought my FitBit scale I've lose 41 pounds.. and I got the job in February, so it is probably more than that since I met him.

So there is probably a slight chance that some of the eating disorder crazy over the past week is to prove a point. If he doesn't think I've lost any weight, then I WILL lose weight. I will make them notice. And if he wants to believe that the job makes him anxious and that I am just fine.. whatever. I'm sure one way or another the crazy will show. Either I'll lose the weight so they notice. Or maybe I'll pass out at work, and that would be fine too (except probably not...). And honestly the past couple days I just don't want to eat. I tried to buy binge food several times last week but had no desire to buy food. I've learned the past few times I went shopping (other than the pineapple which I really thought I'd eat) to not buy perishable foods. I have bought cereal and chips and crackers. Because at least they will just sit around my apartment but not go bad. I am not going to try the yogurt thing again. Or probably fruit. I'll stick to prunes (except honestly those are not something I enjoy I have them because I refuse to take laxatives) and maybe some fruit cups I bought. Except probably not those.. who am I kidding with those..

Ok, I'm rambling. I should be quiet. That's enough crazy for tonight. Thank you if you read it.

Work continues: Ask for help or crash and burn?

So things at work have remained dramatic and insane in various ways...
My supervisor is in trouble for being a jerk to people.. and complaining about working late (when he works no later than anyone else and leaves before me every night)... I don't know. I am less bothered by this than others. He is trying to be nicer now and more attentive, and honestly it's bothering me more.. but he's finally starting to give a shit about how much I'm working..

For me.. I don't know. It's gotten into an insanity where I am never leaving work before 1am, so at least 10 hour shifts 5 days a week. A few days I left by midnight and then several days I left after 2am, so it evens out to more than 50 hours a week still. I'm drinking 2-3 cups of coffee, an energy drink, and a soda at work.. plus 2-3 Lipo 6. I get borderline insane after midnight when everyone goes home.. I start forgetting what I was doing when I go downstairs because I'm only really half awake. I stare at the clipboard of reruns trying to decide how much to do before going home. I stare at the piles of work on my desk. I stare at things on my screen because I have nobody to ask things. I have the entire room all to myself. I get a little paranoid down in the lab too because the lab supervisor is constantly telling me I work too much, so I'm hoping I don't run into her. I hope that nobody has the clipboards I need or is at the machines I need. I hope I can just get back upstairs without talking to anyone.. at the same times I kinda hoped the lab supervisor would say something to someone other than my supervisor about how much I'm working since clearly he hasn't done anything about it. But anyway.. yeah.. insanity.

And I can't keep doing it. I know that. I'm burning out. I can tell because there's days I didn't want to eat.. and I always eat at work. Well.. one day I felt nauseous all day. A coworker offered to buy pizza and I actually said out loud "I think pizza would make me cry"... which thankfully nobody acknowledged because I am well aware that's not a normal statement if you don't have an eating disorder. We ordered chinese food. I got some tofu thing, and a coworker kept giving me grief for how little I was eating and not eating the rice and everything.. it was frustrating as hell. I wanted to smack her because I was really trying and I felt ill. I even ate some rice later because I kept getting dizzy. I did stop binging and purging for a few days because of that though.. I had no appetite.  That was a little nice. That weird dizziness thing that's been going on wasn't.. I think it's dehydration.

I am just not handling things well.. the depression is getting worse. I have cut a few times. I've had OCD behaviors popping up.. banging my wrists on things.. tapping my fingers.. others that are hard to explain when I'm not doing them. Definitely feel like I'm going nuts. Also binging and purging.. I even purged at work because we ordered pizza Wednesday.

Well anyway, i guess they're finally going to deal with it. The other day I had this awkward conversation with my supervisor.. mainly about people complaining about him. But he said something about me working too much. He said the solution was to stop working so much and let the work build up so they'd have to come up with a solution. I said I was not ok with that. I said the last time we got so behind I worked until 3 AM for days to catch up. So I said there has to be another way

So I guess we're going to talk with the daytime supervisor Tuesday... he may have spoken to her some. I commented that I didn't think she was aware of how late I was staying.. well nobody was. Honestly.. I am scared of all this. I am scared that really she think I should be able to get more work in during 8 hours rather than always working 10. Or I'm scared I will have someone helping me and hate it. Or I won't know what to do with myself if I leave at midnight.. and really the answer is probably going to be binge and purge these days. I would almost rather keep working this way until I absolutely can't. Except at the same time, I'm researching my insurance benefits for treatment since clearly the bulimia is out of control.. and honestly the depression is a bit bad too..
So I don't know what will happen. I kind of hope my supervisor will be his usual self and forget that he ever offered to help me. And I can keep working myself to death.

Food- the good and bad (TW)

So life is pretty much the same. It revolves around work, sleep, and food.. I am avoiding most social situations outside of work. I am still staying up until 3-4am no matter what time I get home, and I am therefore sleeping until noon at least. Work is drama filled lately.. my boss is being an ass. Yesterday he was an ass to someone who works in the lab (who did NOT deserve it) after generally being an ass all day. I had just been working on not engaging whenever he started on some rant (this was all via instant messenger from across the room to me) or complained about someone or got all doom and gloom (he actually said we were "headed into the dark" at some point) because I didn't want to piss him off but was refusing to get sucked in. Well, he went off on her, and then she called our boss (like the one who sits behind me who is head of toxicology) about it. Then she called him.. and I don't know how that went. I heard him on the phone almost in tears about how he doesn't want to seem evil.. and I went downstairs for coffee. He later came and said stuff to us about how he gets stressed and that creates a bad environment and we need to tell him when he's doing that.. like that's going to go well. I did tell him after that that he needs to not criticize people out loud while he's working on things.. whether they're in the room or not. Complaining and criticizing them like that is not ok. And he took that ok.. but I doubt it would have worked earlier in the evening. 


As far as food.. there is good and bad. 

The bad is I'm binging and purging almost everyday now... not quite that much, but it's been a lot. 
My therapist also says I'm restricting, but I argue I am eating plenty of calories.. but I also didn't really mention the frequency of binging and purging and I assume I'm getting some calories there 

The good (?) I am still not eating meat.. it's going ok. I mean I haven't had meat in a few weeks. I have knowingly (and probably unknowingly) had some foods that weren't vegetarian.. like I have these fiber gummies that contain gelatin I bought a week or two before I decided to stop eating meat. When I ran out of the other fiber supplement I had (which was vegetarian but I hadn't liked so wasn't taking), I decided to go ahead and take the other since I already owned it.. the damage is done when it's bought, right? Wasting it doesn't help animals. Then there's this whole cheese issue.. vegetarians can eat cheese, but some cheese is not vegetarian because of how it's made. I read this at some point and have been maybe a little obsessed with this fact. Most cheese doesn't say which it is.. and some I know isn't vegetarian and have eaten anyway (damn pita chips). I bought a bunch of vegetarian friendly cheese for binging while at Whole Foods and then found another brand I can buy for a reasonable price (compared to the Whole Foods brand) at the regular grocery store.  And then yeah.. unknown, but I am not eating meat or anything with meat in it.. and generally avoiding certain animal ingredients. Still eating dairy and eggs although I tried to explain the cheese thing to my therapist and she said "So you want to be vegan?" and I am like no that's not what I'm saying. And re-explained that dairy is fine, but it's the other ingredient that's the problem I'm avoiding and it's only certain brands. And she's like "But you want to be vegan?" and I'm like NO I WANT TO EAT FUCKING CHEESE ALL THE TIME but am just concerned about the source. Yeah.. whatever






The good.. I am debating the idea of food challenges for myself inspired by those being tackled by another dear blogger. This was going to be self chosen at first because my challenges are probably strange.. I mean I eat all sorts of food.. chips, candy, cookies.. that stuff. The challenge was originally going to be fruit. I haven't figured out how to manage this. I was all set to buy sliced apples at Target on Friday, but they all looked brown/not fresh. I could have bought an actual apple but wouldn't have a way to slice it at work, and eating it whole was not something I was willing to try. So I postponed that. I failed at buying apples again tonight. 



BUT I did succeed in something else. I cooked. And it wasn't just frozen food.. and it vaguely followed an actual recipe. I have been wanting buffalo wings, and I couldn't have chicken.. and while I bought some vegetarian/fake ones for binge purposes.. I decided that surely I could make some sort of buffalo thing with chickpeas. So I bought them and the hot sauce and salad to go with it.. with the goal of some sort of buffalo chickpea salad. I then got home and found a recipe for buffalo-roasted chickpeas. And I made them. I used a can opener and a mixing bowl (not a paper disposable bowl) and measuring spoons (although I didn't exactly follow the measurements in the recipe for the spices). The salad will be tomorrow, but I made the chickpea part tonight and they are pretty tasty.. Weird and definitely not chicken, but I was craving hot sauce and this will do. 

So cooking was that challenge.. next I will eventually try to manage fresh fruit. But I could manage only one challenging task tonight and hot sauce craving won out. 

If anyone is interested, this is the recipe I used 
http://www.cleaneatingveggiegirl.com/2014/11/09/roasted-buffalo-chickpeas-buffalo-chickpea-salad/

Eating disorder vs logic

I originally intended to write a post titled eating disorder logic, but I changed the title since the point was to talk about the contradiction in that phrase.. eating disorder logic. One thing I can say is true now vs 8 years ago when I was in treatment for the first time is that I see a lot more of the illogical thinking than I did then. I am not going to claim I see all of it.

So I'll get to what brought this topic up in a minute. There's a lot of illogical thinking when it comes to food choices. I mentioned last time that the majority of what I eat is "junk food." Part of this has to do with how hard it is for me to buy other foods.. Some examples..
Yogurt: I cannot convinced myself to buy yogurt with more than 110-120 calories and it has to be nonfat. It also needs to not have a lot of sugar, but I am not sure what the limit on sugar is. I just pick them up and stare at them generally and put them back. If it's 100 calories or less, I can generally buy it. A lot of times though yogurt just sits in my fridge until it expires though because I'm still embarrassed to eat it.
Granola bars have to be less than 120 calories, but have at least 3g of fiber and 2 of protein.. if they're more calories they have to have more fiber and protein. They also can't have more than 2-3g of fat.

Fruit.. I have yet to get over my fear of fruit. I don't know why. This dates back to when my eating disorder started. I didn't own a food scale then, and it freaked me out not to be able to calculate the calories in fruit since it comes in all sizes and shapes. I stopped eating it until I went into treatment. Then I only ate it when I had to, and I have gone through phases since where I stop eating it again. It also kinda applies to some vegetables, but those mostly have other problems. But I bought sliced apples a week or so ago, and I haven't touched them.. oops.

Ok then there's the problem that I am embarrassed to be seen eating "meals" because in my mind I am too fat to eat meals. This mainly applies to anything that has to be eaten with a fork or spoon.. so no soups, rice, beans, basically anything cooked.. no frozen meals or anything where I have to be seen using the microwave (I did finally break that rule yesterday). At home I can eat them, but I can't do it at work. The only thing I can eat that requires a fork is salads, and that is still a challenge.

The illogical part in this is that I am more scared to buy yogurt or fruit than to buy pita chips and cheetos. I can be seen eating cheetos or cereal at work but not a lean cuisine or a sandwich or something.

I actually kinda joked about it yesterday (but nobody I think has any idea that I have an eating disorder yet) when two guys were talking about losing weight and eating brown rice and vegetables.. one of the bosses basically doesn't eat bread or most carbs. Anyway, I said I just eat a calorie controlled amount of cheetos, but that's actually true. I lost a lot of weight by either 1. purging 2. fasting 3. eating limited amounts of unhealthy food. But whatever...

I am making progress. I mean I have eaten yogurt recently and cheese. I did use the microwave at work to heat up some frozen quinoa thing. But this progress may end up meaning eating less, which I'm happy with.

What brought this up.. (this is a bit TMI) is a poor choice I made yesterday. So when I was first sick 8-9 years ago, in addition to restricting and throwing up most of what I ate, I abused laxatives. I was taking 8-10 everyday.. actually a lot more some days. I think the max I remember was 18. My body was dependent on them. I was abusing diuretics as well and diet pills. I stopped all of that when I was in treatment (with a few slips). Since then, I have avoided laxatives.. the stimulant ones at least. And my body does NOT respond well to them. I can't even handle a single pill now. But recently my digestion has been screwed up for some reason. Terrible gas and bloating and constipation. That's been going on for weeks, and I don't know why. I tried probiotics. I tried digestive enzyme supplements for a few days. I drink water and take fiber supplements. I tried the magnesium based laxatives, and that did little, so knowing full well it was a bad idea I took a laxative last night. Some bisacodyl based kind, which also expired in January (not sure if that is relevant). I took a single pill, and I have been miserable today. It certainly worked, but I've also had stomach cramps and diarrhea all evening. I went to Target on the way home from my parents house and thought I was going to pass out. I was standing reading the ingredients on fruit snacks (to see if they had gelatin in them) and my vision was kinda blurry because I guess I was dehydrated? Like really? The thing is I knew this would happen. It happens every time I take one. My body over reacts. Maybe it's because I used them for so long.

Oh and I felt like I was going to pass out.. but I still felt like I needed to buy binge food. That's just what I do on Thursdays. So I still walked around until I found a sufficient amount of food.

Random insights before going to bed

This is going to just be randomness.. sorry. Well, not that sorry. Short randomness is probably better than the usual long ramblings.

The first bit has to do with food.. I am considering not eating meat. Well, I have considered this for a long time. In all honesty, I don't eat it much except during binges because I eat odd things the rest of the time. I don't eat actual meals anymore. But it's more of a conscious choice now. I had a small amount of turkey sausage at lunch yesterday, and that's all I've had since Saturday I believe. My memory is terrible. Well no.. I had gummy bears that I had already bought, which have gelatin in them, but I had already bought them so after a long debate I ate them anyway. The thing is I cannot honestly decide if I am doing this because I have a moral issue with eating meat.. there is some truth in that. The truth to that is that I have always had difficulty with the idea that some animals are pets and some animals are food. That some animals are considered sentient and others are not, but there is a very unclear boundary there. And in general there are problems with the food industry. I am not however entirely convinced in that for example I own a cat and could never force my cat to be a vegetarian.. cats are evolved to eat meat. Their teeth are. Their digestive system is designed to process protein and fats not carbs and sugars and fruits and veggies. I mean I feed him dried cat food.. but the idea of vegetarian food for him seems wrong, and if I believe he can eat meat, then why is it wrong that humans can't?
But the debate in my head is more whether or not this is an issue of morals or an excuse to feel guilty about food. Can I make myself feel more guilty about food? Can I eliminate pretty much all fast food restaurants and restaurants I eat at? Can I eliminate a large number of binge foods? Can I have an excuse to not eat the catered food at work? To question ingredients? To not eat candy? Realize I don't cook.. My kitchen is something of a disaster zone. I use the oven and microwave to heat frozen foods and packaged foods. I don't cook. On a usual day, I take to work some sort of snack food (pita chips or cheetos), maybe cheese or yogurt, and some kind of candy.. plus an energy drink and a diet soda. Oh or maybe hummus instead of cheese or yogurt. Basically one healthy item and then junk.. and then when I get home I have more of whatever junk food I have. Or I binge... but this limits the binging.. and it limits the eating at work to mean it's never an option to change my mind and eat whatever is in the fridge there (unless it's salad). It means no picking up Chipotle or a salad at Target on the way (I looked and they all have chicken). See my point? I mean I even see the point. I'm well aware of how this could/probably is the eating disorder. I just can't tell if it's 100% that or 50% that or less.. we'll see.. but for now it seems no meat

The other bit is just random. I have been listening to the book Wasted as an audio book off and on for a month or so.. I've read it a million times (well maybe 10 at least) before over the years, so it's not new.. but I heard something last night that struck me. There's this bit when she's working in D.C.
"Diagnostically speaking, I'm manic. If I'm not busy, I start wondering what's wrong with me. I start feeling lazy, and I search for something to do. I do not have an off switch. But while I was in Washington, this became extreme. The activity was desperate. And I still can't tell, in retrospect, whether it was a desperate attempt to stay busy enough to keep myself alive, or an attempt to work myself to death. I became became very afraid of sleep, and of stillness"
It just sounds like me lately.. and I was reading about diet pills last night and how they can in those with bipolar make manic symptoms worse.. and there is something like mania to how I've been working lately. The desperation to it. I feel lazy. I feel slow. I am convinced I am not getting anything done.. and I'm working at least 10 hours a day 5 days a week. Someone in the lab snitched on me to my supervisor.. well not really.. but told him I was still there at 1am. He said something about me being there late. I said I never leave before midnight. He said she said it was after 1. I said I pretty much never leave before 1am anymore. He said I need to stop doing it. I said he was just saying it's a problem how far behind my area of work is (the reruns) and we need to catch up and not fall behind.
But I feel a bit suicidal at times... and it's when I'm not working. It's when I'm at home (and not sleeping). It's when I am still and stop and think about life and school. And I don't always want to exist. I cried last night listening to the book. And I am starting to cry now. This is how stillness feels. Sleep I'm ok with.. it's the rest of the time. I did stop taking my mood stabilizer for about a week. I'm taking it now. Maybe that's part of it too.. coupled with the caffeine. My current psychiatrist didn't buy into the bipolar diagnosis from one of my last inpatient stays, but off my meds I can definitely go quite crazy and not just with sadness. But on that note I am going to bed. Tonight the network went down at work right after midnight, so I couldn't work anymore... there was a little relief and a LOT of guilt over what I was leaving, but there is always guilt whenever I leave.

Body image..

My last post started talking a little bit about this whole concept. I'm really struggling with how I see myself these days... and it's not all weight related.

Basically, I hate my skin, I hate how much I weigh, I hate my hair (which keeps falling out), I hate that I look flabby, I hate that I have muscles.. everything. I started thinking about it a lot over the weekend because I went shopping for pants. I spent a lot of time staring in mirrors, and I don't look like myself.. like I can see the weight loss sometimes. Other times I swear I look just as fat as I did a year ago at 220lbs. I am trying to buy clothes that actually fit rather than the baggy stuff I keep buying.

I  have only posted photos a few times.. but I thought I'd post a couple today.

This is from February when I was still around 185. I don't have many pictures of weights higher than that..

And this is today..

Those pants are actually loose now.. I just bought them a couple weeks ago, and they're the smallest size I have (well no I have one smaller pair that I'm not going to wear until I lose a few more pounds).. they fit when I bought them, and a couple weeks before that I had tried them on at the store and they were too tight.

Todays body image obsession is brought on by a guy at work who asked if I had been exercising lately because I was looking more toned. I know that's supposed to be a compliment.. but I think I mostly just got super awkward after he said it. I said I'm trying to tone up my flabby arms.. he asked if I'd lost weight recently. I said yes but I still need to lose a lot more.. I've lost I guess about 35-40lbs since I got this job. I know because I bought my fitbit scale after I started working there in February.

I am really super self conscious about my arms (which I assume are what he was talking about) because they somehow look too fat and flabby and too muscular all at once right now. I am trying to tell myself the flab is really just loose skin.. but that isn't working. Same with my stomach and thighs.

Best I could get to show what I'm talking about... I occasionally think I look thin.. and other times I look obese still. I also think my legs are too muscular as well as too fat.. I don't know. I don't get it.  I am currently about 138, which means I'm technically not overweight anymore. My goal is to lose another 30.. but I think if anyone asks I would say another 20.. because part of me knows that other people wouldn't agree with that goal. I'm losing super slowly these days anyway, which is why I'm surprised those pants are loose.

Now that the guy made that comment.. I'm worried about what I wear at work.. I worry the scrubs show too much of my arms. Most days I wear either tank tops that are meant to be shaping/slimming or shorts/underwear designed to make your stomach smaller because I'm worried that I look fat in my scrubs. Now I think maybe I should wear long sleeves. I really should just have said thank you when he said I looked more toned, but I couldn't seem to take it as a compliment. I'm paranoid about becoming too muscular.. I worry going up and down the stairs 15-20 times at work is going to give me giant thighs.

Again I am rambling.. so I'm going to go to bed.