The same or worse

After 2 days without facing coworkers, I had to go to work today. I had to wake up early enough to go to the liquor store first. I also got lunch. I have been terrible the past few days and eaten meat. I don't even know what happened. I am definitely not going to keep doing it because I kinda hate myself.
I got to work and being a moron, I cut myself while sitting in the parking lot. I of course managed to do it in a spot that my scrubs don't always cover (depending on how I hold my arm). So I sometimes tried to hide it, but probably not well. My supervisor asked how I have been doing, and I said about the same. In all honesty, I am worse, but I didn't say that. I am definitely more suicidal. I never really admitted to how self destructive I am. I almost wanted to tell him, but he asked while in a room with other people. I also am not 100% sure I can trust him not to tell after he told people about the stitches. I trust the manager more.

I also was a bit upset because I posted on this one message board (no, I am not going to say what website) about the problem I am having with hypoglycemia if I don't eat before work. Well, the replies were not what I wanted. One was basically that I have to quit drinking and not make excuses or try to fix things caused by the alcoholism. Hypoglycemia is a consequence of drinking because alcohol interferes with gluconeogenesis or the body releasing stored glucose. I said that in the post. The second person basically said I need to go to rehab because detox can be fatal and I can't do anything about the medical consequences when things are this bad. I know that. I just didn't need to hear it. I was reading this at work and hating myself and the situation I am in.

Otherwise, work was ok. I wanted to snap at the trainee at least once, but I didn't. There were no plates because yesterday was a holiday. We spent 6 hours on a stupid, boring project that I can't really explain. My supervisor let us leave early. Now I am home and drinking. I am still thinking about everything. I really am not sure about getting detox meds from my psychiatrist. I really wish I could go inpatient, but I just can't imagine asking. I don't know if work would respond well. I don't know if I could face them after. I have worked there long enough (I think) for FMLA, but I still don't want to admit to all of this and try to find out.

Alone

I don't have a lot to say today, but I feel like writing. Today at work was excellent. This is largely because it involved maybe 2-3 minutes of social interaction and 2.5 hours of working alone. It's definitely obvious that the work itself causes very little stress. People on the other hand...

The new schedule has me as the only analyst on Sunday because there is almost no work. I gather and close the last few reruns. That involved about a minute talking to one of the lab techs. She's nice but super outgoing and cheerful, so I tend to avoid talking to her. This might have meant taking alternate routes between rooms to avoid walking past her. Then I had a small conversation with the medical director whose desk is next to mine. I honestly enjoy talking to him (at least the conversations I understand) because he doesn't talk to everyone. I feel more valued when he talks about important lab stuff with me because he clearly thinks I'm smart enough to understand. That isn't always true, so sometimes I just nod and smile. He also doesn't (as far as I know) know anything about my personal problems, which is nice. Today it was about how we should track reconfirmations because we could create a faster way to run them. Honestly, we have discussed this before, and it never happened.. so I mostly agreed and then he left. I don't think this will ever happen, but it was nice talking to him.

I finished reruns and spent a while working on a list of unclosed cases from yesterday. I did text my supervisor because I am fairly certain the cases were sent to someone else to close, but I had no way of knowing who or when they might do them. I asked if I should wait or just do them, and he said to close them. I hoped that was the answer but I know I always hated when I sent cases to someone (it's a requirement for quality control) and got a reply that they were already closed when the person saw them. Anyway, I finished that in a couple hours with minimal trouble. It was so nice working in an empty room. Nobody asking anything. Nobody looking at me.

I finished and went to Target. I made strange grocery purchases.. nothing sounded good. Ended up with frozen mini pizzas, frozen pretzel bites, french fried onions, triscuits, chocolate, and cheese. Not the healthiest. Now I am home watching Friends with the kitten. I've had 6 shots of vodka. I managed to wait until after 5 to start drinking at least.

Neighbors

Sorry if I have ranted about this before, but I don't think I have. I have these new(?) neighbors that I really dislike. I am honestly not sure exactly when they moved in. The thing with my apartment is that you cannot really hear anything from inside the apartment next to it, but you can hear anything from outside the front door. This isn't that important normally, and I was always reassured that I couldn't hear my neighbor's apartment. Occasionally, I got to hear some interesting things from my living room because the chair I sit in is right by the window. Like I am pretty sure the guy across from me got kicked out (I had taken the trash out and a guy had pointed out a bag of stuff that someone left outside and asked jokingly if I did that) and I am pretty sure I heard him offer someone drugs in exchange for a ride.

These new people however smoke outside their apartment frequently. This means I am often watching TV at night and can hear them talking outside. It makes me feel very exposed. I don't like thinking that they can probably hear me or rather my TV since I am not talking. It makes it feel like someone is in the room. I know this is paranoia or just my anxiety, but it seriously feels that way. Add to that the times someone is outside when I come home. I am paranoid about people seeing into my apartment because it's a bit of a mess. Then yesterday I got home and had to carry my laundry (clean) and also some groceries inside. This was probably something I should have made two trips with because the combination was rather heavy, and I was sober and therefore shaky. Well, I debated sitting in the car until they went inside, but that didn't seem practical. I stumbled up the stairs, and someone asked if I needed help. I said I was ok, which is not entirely true, but I was not going to ask a stranger to help. I had to set the hamper down a couple times and I think banged my arm on the railing because I have bruises and a scrape. So I got to be super embarrassed about someone seeing this.

So tonight they were out there talking, and Nermal was sitting anxiously watching from the window. That's the photo hopefully attached (the blogger app and my phone don't always get along).

I went to work today after the women's meeting. It was ok. My coworker was lead. I am not sure if she was told that or just knows because I told her that I am no longer lead. I should clarify that lead just means you are responsible of the notebooks that keep track of what the shift did and sending the email update about it after the shift. I come in an hour later than them because of AA and crying when I was given this new schedule. They don't know that because I just told her it was because of a schedule conflict. Only the manager knows I cried, and I didn't tell her what it was I do Saturday afternoon. She was happy to accommodate because I think she's worried about me. Anyway, it went ok. I occasionally butt heads with this coworker because she likes to be in control, but it works out well when she is in charge. I got to train her on something. I am supposed to work 3:30-10:30, but they left at 9 because all the samples were closed, and I left also. She said I could, and I am the only person who works Sunday, so it seems reasonable. I am honestly considering thanking the manager for not making me lead because it is less stress and I really don't admit to how much effect the work stress has on me. I know I lied about work being a contributing factor to what's going on and to things being worse now over the stress of knowing that they know what's going on. I am not sure I will actually tell her that. Thankfully, tomorrow I get to work alone, which is less stress.. although, I think she thought it would be more. I am only required to do 2 tasks, and then I can leave because nobody else works Sunday. As long as nothing weird happens, this should be simple. I am not sure what to do with the rest of the day. I am trying not to drink before 5-6pm, so I will have to kill a lot of time. This probably means shopping, and I do need groceries. I had an odd little conversation with my coworker about shopping and how she recently went with her husband. I said I basically live off 2 kinds of frozen meal (Amy's chili mac and Lean Cuisine tortellini). She had commented on most of their protein coming from beans (she's also vegetarian), and how mine must too. I said I have been eating protein bars and shakes because I have trouble with breakfast. I then had to stop myself from explaining this was 1 because of hangovers/alcohol making me feel sick and dislike food and 2 alcoholism induced hypoglycemia because there were other people around. I also couldn't say that the rest of my groceries are flavored water and vodka. She's the only one who knows about my drinking because I have known her long enough to feel safe telling her. It really is true.. I live off frozen meals, ProCrunch bars/protein drinks, and vodka. Pretty pathetic. Oh, and candy. Candy is another thing I can stomach when I am drunk or nauseous. That and sugar free (because ED logic) pudding. I'm rambling again, but I am trying to keep the alcoholism from becoming common knowledge at work.

And in terms of neighbors, I would really like to tell them to shut up because I can hear them now. I really miss only hearing the TV and the cats. Cats I like more than people. They can say whatever they want.

Not my biggest fan

I may add more to this after work, but I need to complain. I really am not happy with myself today.

Shortly after getting to work, the manager asked to talk to me, which I kinda panic anytime that happens. We went in the conference room. She asked what I think of my position as lead. I said I thought I was doing ok at it. Then she offered to give it to someone else because she doesn't want it to stress me out and cause anything to happen. She looked worried. I admitted that I would like that because I have been really stressed. She said it doesn't affect my position as senior toxicologist. It's basically out of concern for my health. I asked her if she had said anything to the boss and said I  would prefer nobody did. I said that I knew my supervisor had talked to both of them. She said she hadn't and wouldn't. She said my supervisor had pulled her aside but she didn't know what he said to the boss. She didn't say anything else about what he said. She just said she was here if I need her and to tell her if I do. I said I don't want anyone worried about me.

Afterwards, she talked to the other person who is taking over as shift lead, and I started hating myself more. I feel like I let people down. I really don't think being lead is good for me or them because I am very stressed. I do know I am not handling anxiety well. I didn't say that to her because I don't want to have to explain what I mean. I can't let anyone know I am cutting at work because they'll freak. I am wondering if this affects the schedule, but I didn't think to ask and don't know if my supervisor knows (or even if she discussed any of this with him). So I am just quietly hating myself. I really do want to talk to her about what's going on, but it is probably a bad idea. I already feel like the boss has been giving me weird looks when she greets me and asks how I am doing. I am guessing she knows I am lying when I say I'm fine. And I am. I hate this mess I've made.

**Adding a bit more. I survived the rest of my shift without cutting or crying. I asked my supervisor a few questions about me not being lead and the schedule. I thought about asking if he was OK with it, but I decided it's really not his business. I am feeling slightly more ok about this. I talked a little with another coworker and said I was not lead because the manager is worried about stress. I've told her about the drinking already, and she was supportive. She was nice about this and said my coworker will be a good lead because she's good at multitasking. I admittedly am not. I can do it but I do get anxious. That was true even before I relapsed. I also am not social and am terrified of having to call other departments. These days I even stress over my handwriting not being good enough or that maybe I shouldn't write in pencil since the other lead always writes in pen. I am great at answering questions and helping my coworkers. So anyway my coworker was nice. We talked some about the roles of the senior analysts. Then we bitched about the girl in training (that she's lazy and not learning and kinda rude). Then I went home.

Still obsessing over everything. Should I have told her more or that things are getting worse? Should I talk to her or the boss about the cutting or the stitches incident? I am still bothered about my supervisor telling them.  Now because he didn't even really know what happened. Also I would have liked to be given an opportunity to tell them or explain to him. He could have said that they needed to know or asked me about it first. I think this is all pretty awkward. I don't want to tell him more because I don't trust him to keep it to himself. The manager I trust because she asked me what was going on when she noticed things and was concerned. I think she notices when I am stressed. When I was made lead, she pulled me aside because I looked worried. When they changed the schedule, she knew I was upset (admittedly I cried) and tried to fix it. I have a feeling if I do need time off to get help, she would do anything possible to let that happen. I still feel guilty for being this crazy and telling her what's going on, but I think it would have hurt her more if I knew she was worried but didn't tell her. I am working on honesty but still probably shouldn't tell her about the self harm. Mainly because I am not really trying to stop and there's no way for her to help (though the lead thing probably will help a little). I don't think I should talk to the boss because I am afraid she will decide I am not fit to be working because I am kinda a mess. Honestly, I probably should go inpatient, but I really can't. I really probably shouldn't be working if I am carrying an Xacto knife in my purse to cut with. I had the thought yesterday that if I filled my prescriptions, I might have enough to OD, which is a pretty bad thought. I don't know. I'll stop rambling now.

Small accomplishment

So I finally called and made a psychiatrist appointment. It's not until June 9th, but I managed to actually call. I don't really know if I am going to ask about detox or make another appointment after that one to do it. All this shit at work helped me decide to call. Now I can say (if anyone acts concerned) that I have a psychiatrist appointment soon. I am still obsessing over if I should ask the manager if she told the boss about my drinking, or if I should just drop it since if she did the boss hasn't said anything to me. I really just want everything back to normal and nobody thinking about anything in my personal life, so I can stop feeling horribly guilty over all of this. I don't know that I regret telling her because I think that the way I am looking/acting was worrying her anyway, so pretending to be fine would not have worked. I regret the whole incident with the stitches because I really didn't intend to cut that deep, and I really would have preferred to be able to bandage it and keep it to myself because so far I have never actually discussed cutting with anyone at work. Although, I haven't gone to great lengths to hide it at times, but I don't know how much they noticed all the times I came to work with bandages on my wrist. I still haven't actually discussed it with anyone, but I can guess by his concern that my supervisor isn't stupid and probably assumed it was self inflicted. I don't want to talk about it because other than people who do cut or some mental health professionals, people tend to freak out about self harm. I know I should take it seriously, but after 14 years of doing it, I just don't. I know that saying that I have done this for 14 years and nearly half my life and that it's not a big deal is NOT going to worry anyone less. I can see myself saying it though, and that's part of why I don't want to talk about any of this with anyone. I know from when I worked at the bank that people take my behavior more seriously than I do. And at the time my behaviors were bad. I would self harm at work and leave razors in visible places in my purse. I on more than one occasion overdosed at work (diuretics or diet pills). I binged and purged and chew/spit during my lunch break. I think part of why I am upset now is that this very much reminds me of the bank and old patterns. Back then, coworkers would try to convince me to go to the hospital and they once called the employee assistance line and I had to convince that person that they were overreacting. I don't want that kind of thing to happen here. I don't want to know I am seriously worrying people that shouldn't have to deal with this kind of thing. So the best thing I can think to do is not talk about it at work. I don't know if they will ask. I will deal with that if it happens. I can try to behave at work and not let any self harm be visible. I guess the tremors I can't always hide, but I can try. That mostly means keeping my hands in my pockets whenever possible, and trying to hold things with both hands. Definitely not trying to pour from the kettle in front of anyone. I can try to smile, but that may not be successful. I have had a therapist say that smiling can improve my mood, but it can also make it worse. I worked a lot of years in retail and know that faking a smile doesn't make me any less miserable. I guess we will see. Maybe things will improve.. I am not at all hopeful anymore. I can at least try not to make it worse.

Paranoia

Work today wasn't very fun. I am feeling very guilty about people (supervisor, manager, and boss) knowing about what's going on and me getting stitches or me drinking. I really wanted to ask the manager if she has talked to the boss about my drinking, since the supervisor claims he won't. I didn't get the chance really, and now I don't work until Friday. I don't think she has, but I wanted to be certain and tell her I don't want her to say anything because I don't know what would happen. I also want to apologize for all of this, but I am also scared she will ask questions and make it worse. I mean my supervisor doesn't technically know what happened. I guess given the circumstances and the fact that I have gone to work with cuts and scars on my wrists.. or usually just bandages but that still is suspicious. I don't think he's stupid, so I am sure he would know that if I was that embarrassed about it, then it was probably self inflicted. I don't know exactly what he told them. I don't know if she has noticed scars before because she sees me less. I am going to assume that he either said or they all assumed it was self inflicted. But about the drinking, I worry telling her not to tell anyone will make her decide to. I told her not to before, and she still told my supervisor. I mostly just want to know. I am probably going to try to talk to her Friday. I am of course rehearsing in my head. I am rehearsing for if she asks about the stitches incident. I will probably just say it was self inflicted and worse than expected. I am rehearsing if she or anyone asks to see. I am thinking of saying that I think that would make the situation worse or worry her more. If she asks why, I can say that it isn't the only time I have done it. Or something else along those lines. Or just stick with it would worry her (but maybe saying that could worry her). I don't know. If I tell her, are they all going to discuss it? I want them not to worry. I feel like shit about myself. I know I looked miserable today. I also know I was shaking too badly to use the computer when I had to train the new girl. I couldn't seem to click in the right spot. Hopefully, she didn't notice. I kept my hands in my pockets the rest of the time. I also kept pacing while waiting for her to come back upstairs. I know that probably looked weird, but only my supervisor was there at the time. He knows I am prone to anxiety (so is he), so it probably doesn't matter. My other coworkers have commented in the past about it making them anxious. Honestly, I think my blood pressure was really high and I was hoping it would be better if I walked around. I get this feeling like my throat is closing up sometimes, and I don't know if it's anxiety or my blood pressure being high from withdrawal. I definitely can't tell anyone because they will worry. It does get better if I pace. I really just hate my life. I want to tell them all not to worry, but they probably should be worried. I am feeling more suicidal since all this happened. I am not planning anything, but I find myself thinking frequently that I hate my life and wish I was dead. I don't want them to know that. I don't know what I want. I don't know how to fix this. I can pretend I am not cutting since they can't see if I am lying, but I can't really hide the tremors and how unsteady I am when walking. I know that the only way to fix that is to stop drinking, but I am scared. I am scared to call my psychiatrist or stay at my friend's apartment. I am terrified to stop at home. It isn't just the hallucinations. I am scared that my blood pressure will get so high that I will have a stroke or something. I did manage to do it alone last time, but I don't know if I can do it again. Everything I read says it's hard to predict what will happen but the longer you drink, the higher the risk of DTs. Tonight I am drunk and don't want to decide. I wish, honestly, that I could go into the hospital to detox, but I am terrified to ask after being in the hospital less than 3 months ago. The company is also moving soon, and people aren't supposed to request time off. They would probably do it, but I don't want to ask. I don't want them to hate me. I also don't want to have to explain. I really do hate my life.

Work worries

I finally had a chance to talk to my supervisor after being paranoid all weekend about him telling me he talked to the boss about me. I waited until the daytime supervisor and manager left and then asked if I could talk to him. I seriously can't seem to make eye contact anymore, so I stared at the wall and asked what he told her. He said he told her about me getting stitches. He apologized, but I said multiple times that I wasn't upset and understood why he did it, which is true. I told him about the drinking and stuff, but I guess the manager told him. That bit I am a little upset about because I asked her not to tell anyone. I still feel better having told him myself because I don't know what she said, and I don't want him thinking I don't trust him. I asked if he thought I needed to tell the boss, and he said I probably shouldn't. There's a risk if she knows that she could make me take a leave of absence, which would not be good.

I asked him later over the instant messenger we used if he was going to tell the boss, and he promised not too. I asked if he thought the manager would, and he said no. I might still ask her tomorrow. I am not happy that they talked about me. I do understand everyone is just worried.

And if I didn't already seem paranoid, I asked him once everyone left if he told the manager about the stitches incident, and he said she knows. I asked her response and apparently she said it was worrying and the boss also said that (and that all he can do is be there if I need him). I apologized again and said I just like to know what people know about me. He's an anxious person, so I think he understands.

I left feeling pretty terrible about myself for worrying people. I really didn't want that to happen, but I understand their concern. I don't know what I can do to make them not worry. Well, I guess get sober and stop cutting. I didn't manage either of those things today. I actually cut at work for the first time. Obviously, not in front of anyone, but I was definitely a mess today. I don't know if I should talk to the manager tomorrow. I worry asking her not to tell the boss will make her more concerned and likely to tell. I think I should probably just go back to not telling them anything personal and hope they will worry less. I am not sure that would work. They might worry more if I show up to work shaking or with visible cuts and don't talk to anyone about it.

I still haven't called the psychiatrist. I panicked before work because I realized I needed to go to the liquor store before work. I rushed through showering and getting dressed to make sure I made it there and to work on time. Thankfully I managed. I ate a protein bar on my way, so I wouldn't have a repeat of Friday. At work I ended up eating an Uncrustable (currently one of my favorite foods) and half a veggie burger covered in mustard. I started eating and then lost my appetite. Oh well. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I want to apologize for worrying people, but I am not sure it would help. I think I just need to leave it alone unless anyone asks. I've done enough damage.