Another day another therapist

I don't know why, but the IOP therapist is off for a few days. I'm not really sure how I feel about the woman filling in for him. Admittedly, we probably got off on the wrong foot because she called yesterday while I was still in bed. I answered when I saw it was the hospital, and it was this therapist I had never met calling about me not being there. I had to explain that I am only coming 3 days a week and had planned that with the usual therapist. I'm not sure if it's his fault for not documenting it or hers for not having read his notes, but I tend to dislike anyone that wakes me up.

I had an appointment with my normal therapist after several weeks without seeing her. I filled her in on inpatient and on work. I probably talked more about work than necessary, but I was avoiding bringing up the fact that I drank Wednesday night. I'm still considering finding another therapist, but I am also trying to decide if I should find a new psychiatrist and I can only handle so much at once. I am concerned that if this doctor will prescribe me Vyvanse (me, with an eating disorder and addictive personality) I can manipulate him into getting other things. I brought it up with the usual IOP therapist on Wednesday and he suggested telling the doctor I'm concerned and see how he reacts. The only problem is I don't really want to give up the Vyvanse.

Anyway, I had IOP today. This substitute therapist is way too talkative and upbeat. She essentially talked for all of the education part of group and all of process time, so nobody really got to talk. It was nice in that I was brainstorming what to talk about to avoid mentioning drinking, but also I probably should have talked about it. She's also going to be there Monday, and I have decided I shouldn't bring it up until the regular therapist is back because my brain has decided that I can't trust her. This is the problem with finding a new therapist. I have trust issues, and there isn't always logic behind who I trust. I have been told I have good instincts about it with most people, but I have a hard time with therapists because you are expected to be honest from the start.

After group, I did some shopping and went to work. Work was about as stressful as usual. My therapist mentioned not trying to shield anyone from my supervisor and how he snaps at people (like asking questions for them so they don't have to talk to him). I did better than usual but probably because it was mostly the newest girl and she was asking dumb questions and I was fed up with everyone for some reason. I only stepped in when nobody else answered. I was depressed and anxious and my supervisor was being an ass as usual. He also wasn't really listening. At one point he started asking what everyone was working on and the lead calmly explained what was going on with the plates. He thanked her but he didn't seem entirely happy that we had all managed to get things done without him being aware of what was happening. Like I think he expected to have to tell us to get to work and was disappointed (in us or himself) that things were going smoothly without his input.

We still left after midnight because of when he finished his QCs. I pulled the list of unclosed cases and told him how many there were. I asked if he wanted to finish QCs first and then found other work to do while waiting. He later asked if I was working on something or could do the new list, and when I couldn't said he could do it himself. His tone made it clear he didn't want to do it, but I didn't respond after saying what I was doing.  He still asked us to help, which is why we left at 12:30. I think my anxiety and depression have reached the point where I don't care. I'm honestly a bit suicidal and definitely self destructive. Maybe that's what I need to create better boundaries at work.

Familiar patterns

I feel like I have gone back in time to earlier this year and repeating the same behaviors and patterns. I don't know if it's a good thing that I can see that or if it makes it that much more tempting to sabotage myself.

I remember that the depression really spiralled out of control when I started taking my meds again in January after some time without them. I have no clue why. I saw my psychiatrist several times and he started me on a new med about a week before my former sponsor had a little intervention and carted me off to inpatient. I recently stopped my meds for a week or so before starting again, and I don't know if that's linked to the increased depression or just coincidence. I see my psychiatrist next week, but a week can feel very long when the depression is bad.

It was very shortly after being inpatient at the end of February that I started drinking again. I bought and disposed of several bottles before I actually took a drink. Saturday I bought a bottle of vodka that the IOP therapist disposed of on Monday after I admitted to having it in my car. Yesterday I bought another bottle and today I brought it inside and started drinking it.

I don't think I am coping well at all. I went to work yesterday in a very bad mood. I slept poorly and woke up feeling off.. my muscles were sore, I was tired, and I was depressed. I didn't try to hide it. I had a rather insane amount of work to do and it was not something that's usually my job, but there were only 2 other analysts. One of whom has never been trained to do this type of case and the other is insanely slow at it (Took 4 hours to do around 10 of them and there were close to 50 to be done). My supervisor offered to help but ended up having to help them with other cases. I called him over to ask a question, and while he was standing there he asked if I was ok. I mumbled something about being stressed and tried to change the topic to my question. He asked again and asked if he could help. I said no. Truth is that even if I wanted to talk about how stressed I am by work, I can't because a lot involves people complaining which can cause problems and a lot is about him.

I managed to finish the task I had and made sure things got wrapped up ok for the other analysts. We left at 1am and I had to be up at 8, so I didn't sleep well. In IOP I didn't admit to the new bottle of vodka. I talked about quitting school. Another thing that may be linked to this increased depression is that I have seen Dr H twice this week walking to school (I assume?). She lives very near me, and I drove by her on my way to IOP. In group, I made a point to say that I didn't really want feedback because I don't know these people well enough for them to really understand what I have gone through since I started grad school. It went ok. The therapist just said to make a decision and not blame myself for things. Basically to let it go. I think the first step to facing it will be to check my school email after at least a couple months without doing it. The therapist says that avoiding the situation never helps.

Still, I am drinking tonight. Tomorrow I have regular therapy and I almost wish I was working instead so I don't have to deal with everything. I haven't seen her since before the last time inpatient, which means a lot has happened. I don't know what to tell her. I also am not looking forward to work on Friday because at least yesterday only a few people worked. Friday and the weekend will be back to full drama. I cannot handle drama anymore. I really need to brainstorm ways to distance myself from everything. I am also afraid to be asked again about how I'm doing and having to lie or actually admit how poorly I am doing. I would hate to admit that I am close to as bad as I was before going inpatient, and if I continue drinking I will be that bad or worse soon.

Stress and decisions

Things have not gone in a positive direction since my last post. I am not sure why. I started taking my meds again. I am reminded that a couple months after I stopped taking my meds last and then started again, I ended up inpatient for suicidal thoughts. I don't know if this will end up like that.

Saturday I made a poor choice and bought a bottle of vodka. I had been considering it for several days. Saturday I woke up to a text from a coworker. It was a group text, so I then got dozens of responses. Part of the conversation was that 2 people are quitting, although I didn't find out who the second person was until later. The rest was bitching about all sorts of things. I ended up putting my phone on silent and going back to sleep. In the time I spent laying awake in bed, my plans for the day changed from going to AA and get lunch to getting lunch and going to the liquor store and maybe AA if I had time. On the way to the liquor store, I decided to go to AA first and then the liquor store after. Then I went to work.

Work was stressful because it always involves listening to people complain. Our shift is 3:30-12 and at 11 a couple people started suggesting we leave early. I said that we needed to finish exporting a plate because it could get us in trouble if the manager found out we could do it but chose to leave before the end of the shift. I said others could leave and I would do it because people were clearly frustrated by my suggestion. So a couple people left early. The lead and one analyst hung around while I exported and we left at around 11:50 (so still early). I was in a bad mood because I really think my suggestion was reasonable and hate having to argue or try to convince people to do our job. That means that of course I went to the grocery store and binged and purged.

I left the vodka in my car. Today I went to work and again the analyst from day shift hung out and people complained all day. My supervisor came in for a little while and even made a comment about her being there because I got the impression he didn't approve for some reason. There was the usual question about waiting for him to finish his cases before doing the pull. The analyst that asked if we should start I simply told we were waiting and then in a much quieter voice that I wasn't arguing with the supervisor this week.

I didn't binge tonight. The vodka is still in my car. I don't know what I want to do with it.

I have briefly thought today about looking for another job. 2 people quitting is going to make everything harder on the rest of us since who knows if/when they will hire more people, and even then it means more trainees. I also had a wonderfully awkward moment when a coworker asked when I am graduating because she thinks we should do a graduation party for everyone who graduated recently. I just said I wasn't included and tried to avoid answering. I am not ready to discuss school with her. Very few people know that I am giving up. I am not proud of it. I also don't think anyone who doesn't know about my mental health problems can really understand why I am choosing this or the significance of it.

I also did/said a stupid thing. We had a potluck dinner, and we were sitting in the conference room. The topic of insurance came up and someone was asking about this HRA thing the company does which basically pays part of your deductible if you end up with a bill for more than a certain amount. A couple people didn't understand what it is, so I explained. I then commented that I hate that they started this after I met my deductible. Well this started in March during open enrollment, which means that my comment implies I had more than $5,000 in medical bills in 2 months since it resets in January. That's from my time inpatient in February. Well, the guy who I don't really like from day shift who works Sunday night said something about it and asked if I was ok. I said yes I was fine and thankfully the topic changed. I actually don't know how much my coworkers have figured out about the time I took off in February with no advanced warning or the time I took off last month.. I was honest with at least one person about this last stay, but I didn't say anything in February.

I have iop in the morning, and I am debating what (if anything) I should talk about. I didn't say anything in process group Thursday or Friday. I know I need to talk about buying vodka. I probably should talk about school. My issue with that is that I don't really want feedback from other patients about school because they barely know me, and I don't want a lot more doubt and anxiety. I am afraid they will all say I shouldn't give up because education is valuable or because I can do it or I'm smart or some other crap that is the default response. There is so much more to this that I can't explain in such a short time and don't want to. I don't know if I would have time to bring up both things without monopolizing group. So probably the vodka is more important or at least time dependant since I haven't opened it yet. I just realize the issues are probably related.

My mood is shit tonight since this evening at work. I am dreading work tomorrow and group tomorrow. I am just dreading getting out of bed tomorrow in general.

Hero and villain

Tuesday work was super stressful and we ended up there until almost 1:30 again. Although this time it was not anyone's fault. There was just too much to do and at some point the power went out. A couple minutes with no power is enough to take down the machines and set everything behind.

This meant Wednesday morning I was exhausted. I went to IOP anyway since I skipped on Monday. Well, he wanted us to do this art therapy sort of thing instead of a normal education topic. The instructions said to draw a picture representing our hero self that represents accomplishing our goals. A picture of the part of ourselves that makes bad choices or something along those lines. Then one of the hero overcoming the bad.
I couldn't do it. I don't have a good history with art therapy or honestly art classes that involved being told what to do. I need some kind of freedom or I get angry. Combine these stupid instructions with being too exhausted to think, and I chose to sit and do nothing. I drew no pictures.  I ended up having to write on the paper that I did nothing so the therapist had something to put in my chart since I didn't draw anything.

So in process group, obviously he could tell I was in a bad mood. I admitted to not taking my meds. He asked me to start again. People expressed concern. One asked if I stopped taking them because I wanted to feel depressed. I admitted that it feels safe. I thanked everyone for the feedback because I really didn't want to seem like a bitch.

After group the therapist pulled me aside. He asked if I think it is helping. He knows I work at night and am not sleeping well. I said I think it is but it was so hard to focus when I got that tired. We discussed maybe only going 3 days a week so I could sleep in the other days. He said it was OK if I missed some days. This was surprising since the other iop I did at that hospital I got such grief for ever missing. I also admitted something that was bothering me. When I signed my treatment plan for iop the therapist reviewing it with me (not the same therapist) showed me my diagnoses. Alcohol use disorder and major depressive disorder recurrent moderate. I don't know why the word moderate bothered me so much, but for years it has been recurrent severe on paperwork from every hospital, so I guess I felt invalidated. I wondered why I suddenly seemed less depressed or wasn't being taken seriously.  I know that's not healthy, but that's what I felt. I felt ridiculous admitting it, but I know it is part of why I stopped my meds.

I left and bought binge food then went home and took a 4 hour nap before binging and purging. Today group was better. Everyone commented that I seemed happier. I don't know if I am, but sleep helped. I also didn't share in group. That was nice.

In other news, I told my mom about school.. that I wasn't sure about going back and finishing. She said only go if I want to. She actually did the same thing. She went to grad school but never graduated because she got a job and that's what she really wanted. We discussed how fucked up grad school can be.. the only people who graduate quickly are the ones with well funded labs. Professors secretly hate each other and it reflects in how they treat students. She said at the end she went to school to see my dad (that's where they met) and started crying just from being there. That's about the level of panic that going to campus causes me. So I don't think I'm going back. I think someday if I change my mind, I might start again at a different school. I probably need to say something to Dr H, but honestly she has made no effort to reach out to me or help these past couple semesters, so I am not sure I owe her anything. I need to take care of myself. Fuck that place. Fuck the professor who gave me bad projects and blamed me for anything that went wrong until I was too angry to keep researching and had wasted over a year on cells that were dying because of products she bought because they were cheaper.

I'm a month sober as of today. Yet I'm still thinking of buying liquor. I talked myself out of it tonight because I have IOP in the morning and have to be up early.. so I'm b/p instead and considering going to the liquor store tomorrow. We'll see what happens

To sleep or not to sleep?

So Sunday was not a great day in general. I should have been able to sleep in and be well rested, but however much caffeine I had Saturday (or something else?) meant I went to bed by 3 and didn't fall asleep until past 6. I then woke up several times during the night. I then had the brilliant idea to binge after work since we got off early. This may have been stress related.

Some things that happened Saturday resulted in them changing the schedule Sunday so day shift came in late and the shifts overlapped. Well, one of the people on days who used to work part of the night stuck around to chat. And of course by chat I mean it became an all out bitch fest involving complaining about everyone on the other shift and everything being unfair. I mostly tried not to be involved, but I did say a few things. It did make me uncomfortable.

Well then, my supervisor decided to come in and start his QC cases at 9pm despite the fact we all had to be done by 11 because they were doing some computer update. Well, I did the pull of unclosed cases and said that there were 60+ in it. He said they were probably mostly his. A couple analysts asked me if we should just close them. I said they needed to ask him but I could assure them he would say no (based on experience). I asked him politely to forward the cases to me so we could close what wasn't his. He said it would make more sense to let him do his. Meaning, we should sit on our asses for hours until he finished what he could have started earlier since he has a laptop at home (he claims it's too slow). I said (less politely) that we needed to do the cases that weren't his because we only had until 11 to make sure everything was done. He ended up agreeing and later apologizing. He did sound sorry, but I kinda just said it's fine in a still frustrated voice because I don't like being snapped at for trying to do my job. Plus, every time I do the pull on weekends I have to deal with people questioning me about it. I say I am just doing a preliminary one to see how bad it will be and emphasize this is being done before people are finished so I will do it again. Then immediately people want to start so they can leave and everyone has some ideas about how to fix that list so we can use it rather than letting people finish plates and me take 5 minutes to make a proper list. Then one guy always wants me to do it again to make sure everything is closed but will begin asking me before everyone is done so he KNOWS not everything is closed. I am about ready to refuse to do this anymore and insist someone else do it on the weekend at least.

So it makes sense that binging and purging sounded so appealing by the time I left. I got home before midnight but didn't get to bed until after 2. I had the brilliant idea to take an extra med to sleep

Then today I overslept. I probably could have made it to IOP on time or barely late, but I got out of bed and was suddenly dizzy. I don't know if it was my meds or dehydration or just being tired. I decided to go back to bed and skip IOP. I didn't have the therapist's number and didn't want to get it from my car so decided I would call in a few hours. He actually called me, and I said I was fine but really tired and not feeling well.. or something? I don't really remember because I then fell asleep again. I said I would come tomorrow. I intend to explain the dizziness part of why I couldn't go but am not sure about admitting to b/p or taking a random Gabapentin that I have from my old psychiatrist because I wanted to sleep. I also haven't been taking all my meds for a few days. I also haven't really admitted to the insane caffeine intake or abusing the Vyvanse (though not since last week). I am not sure either will sound good to a substance abuse therapist. I am hoping to minimize how bad things sound to avoid him suggesting a higher level of care..

Now I should really try to sleep since I need to be up in 5 hours. I have an extra Vyvanse in my purse that I may need after staying up again.

Work and insanity

I really need to try to write more because I think I need to get out of my head. The therapist asked in IOP Friday if I liked to write. I said yes but didn't mention blogging just out of fear another patient might find it, and no offense to the other patients but I have no intention to keep them in my life after IOP. Too dramatic.

The combination of IOP and work has been stressful and exhausting. The therapist asked me if maybe I need to take time off and I explained that I don't want to because they need me. I fully acknowledge that my priorities are screwed up. I value my job and my coworkers more than my health. So I would rather try to keep working. I feel more likely to quit IOP than take more time off work.

IOP was awkward on Friday. I made the mistake of admitting about my problems with self harm, so people keep asking if I am still doing it. I also mentioned that I burned myself while inpatient. A patient seemed surprised and asked how, but I said I wouldn't say that in group. I am afraid I might give someone ideas and they might try it. I mentioned it mainly because in my mind the reason going IP is a last resort is that it doesn't keep me safe. I always end up harming myself and purging. I have been brainstorming ways to sneak in razors since I got out, so I could try it next time. I have a feeling there will be a next time. I am not going to stay out the rest of my life. Anyway, Friday the therapist told me that my expression is flat, that I don't smile, and I struggle to make eye contact (I thought I was doing better on that one) during group. Patients also expressed concern after I admitted that I wanted to drink and the urge is getting stronger. I think it was the therapist that said the sentence I despise ("We will love you until you can love yourself"). It was all too much. They didn't like my explanation that I have learned to save my energy for all the social interaction at work. After group he said I looked like I was going to cry.. and I had been fighting tears in group. He asked if I wanted to talk, but I said no and left as quickly as possible.

Work has been challenging. My caffeine intake is pretty insane. Friday was 2 cups of coffee at IOP, a diet soda at lunch, a diet soda and a Redline shot at work, 2 diet pills, and another diet soda at work. At least.. I may be forgetting something. That's in addition to the Vyvanse. Of course instead of getting off at midnight like we are supposed to, we were there until 1:30.

I am frustrated about the overtime not just because of the hours. I am frustrated because it could be avoided.

Tuesday I worked until 1am because my supervisor asked at midnight if a certain thing had been done. I had spent the night closing cases. The other 2 analysts 1 had been closing and other tasks and 1 isn't trained to do what he asked about so couldn't be expected to do it. My supervisor had been doing reruns, and normally the person doing reruns does this other task but clearly he hadn't. He also essentially asked me for the easy cases once I found out how many were available. I don't know if he even remembered how to find out what's available (Sorry it's complicated to explain). Right before we left, he asked if I was upset. I said no because there was no point in saying anything and no way I could explain it calmly.

Friday we worked until 1:30 and I knew early in the evening it was going to happen. All cases have to be done in 24 hours so we go through and find any that might be missed. He asked the trainee to send him all her cases which was a little more than 30. I knew he couldn't do that many and I asked if he thought that was a good idea and mentioned how many it would be. He said it was fine rather than having her split them up. I may have whispered to a few coworkers how this would end badly. Sure enough, around midnight he was still working on them. Because of this, we weren't allowed to pull the list of unclosed cases until midnight (because hers would be on there). So we did it around midnight and it kept us there past 1.

So that's what makes me angry. Sure enough, he didn't work today and we left at midnight. He actually came in for about an hour and I was so happy when he left. Nobody is quite sure how to handle what's going on. Friday he was also being an ass. People would ask him questions and he would basically say "Do what you want" rather than an opinion or help or a decision. I normally ask him questions because he feels better if people go to him. After this happening a couple times, I just started walking past him to ask someone else. Everyone else is doing it too. This used to happen back before he got in trouble for his attitude. They ask me or the other senior analyst. They come to my desk and walk right past him. I am a little frustrated because it slows me down at times, but I would rather they get an answer. If I can't answer, I tend to ask him on their behalf if he's being an ass because I know in the past it bothered me less to be snapped at because I got used to it when I started doing reruns.

At least I got to sleep in today and will tomorrow. Monday I have IOP and go back to sleep deprivation. I feel like things are going downhill. I want to drink. I want to stop taking my meds. I am self harming still. I binged and purged Wednesday and Thursday when I had the day off work. It's mainly getting off work too late to go to most stores or restaurants that stops me other days. I don't know if it will always stop me. I don't know what to do about everything. I am afraid if I keep talking in group he will keep mentioning inpatient, and I don't want to go back. What's the point?

Amphetamines

Thought I would update on how the week is going. I actually like IOP, so I may try to keep going. I am definitely still exhausted and not sleeping enough. That has led to some poor decisions.

When my doctor prescribed the Vyvanse, he mentioned that I could open the capsules if I wanted to build my way up to the full dose. I am not sure that thought would have occurred to me otherwise. Well, I started with the full dose because fuck that, but I have taken advantage of that knowledge.

Yesterday I went to iop after about 2 hours sleep. I took the Vyvanse before going but put another pill in the pill case in my purse. I decided it made most sense to take half of it and take the other half instead of the full dose on a day I didn't need to be up early. I dumped about half the powder inside into my hand and licked it off because I had no food to mix it with. I don't think it was a full half because I went to do the same today and was surprised how much was left. So I took a bit more and have decided to maybe skip the dose tomorrow and Thursday since I don't work. Then save those pills. I realize this is unhealthy addict behavior.

I also bought more energy drinks and am planning to buy diet pills. None of this will really help with the sleep problem, although I don't think it's the cause either. I am afraid to mention the pill thing to anyone because the conclusion will probably be that I shouldn't be prescribed stimulants. I don't want to give up the Vyvanse because I have stopped binging and purging and I don't know how much is the med and how much is just being too tired. I guess I will see what happens