Urgent care **trigger warning**

Guess who is waiting at urgent care to get stitches again. I may have slipped while cutting my leg last night and gone a bit deep. I'm a little worried that the cuts are too close together for the deep one to be stitched but maybe they can do something or at least bandage it properly. Thankfully I have a nicer nurse this time who caught on quick enough to what I meant by "I cut myself". Not like the one who asked "how did the knife get up there?" last time I was here. Still waiting on the doctor. I might update or delete this later...

All done. 13 stitches total. She did a couple of the smaller cuts too. It was the same doctor as last time and she recognized me, so that was awkward. I got the usual questions and advice about finding ways to relieve stress without self harm. Super helpful, right? She was nice though. It took about two hours, and I am now having lunch at the Panera next door. I am glad it was on my day off and not during work that I had to go, and they didn't try to persuade me to go to the hospital. Not a great experience but oh well. It was necessary. I have to go back Friday before work to get it checked and in 10 days to have them removed. I will probably do some shopping today and tomorrow I have therapy and will probably see my parents. I was a bit embarrassed that my foot kept twitching while she was doing it. Not sure if it was withdrawal or the way I was holding my leg. She kept asking if I was ok because I think she thought I was in pain, but I only felt the last stitch because she didn't numb around the smaller cuts as much. I don't think she planned to do those but they started bleeding

Waiting and waiting

Seriously, what is going on with my job?

Today I went to work early because that was what my supervisor was what my supervisor asked for yesterday. It was a weird day. There were people taking tours of the building, and I was not at my usual desk since I came in early. I was facing the people walking by. This included tours where I tried to seem happy and the HR guy who kept walking by.

I hoped that someone would mention meeting about the drinking. Then the manager left, and the boss left. I was left wanting to cry. I worked another day not knowing if I would be fired. I don't work again until Friday. I couldn't say anything to the HR guy because I don't know how much I am supposed to know. My supervisor texted me after the manager left that we probably wouldn't be meeting that day. I later said that I would be willing to come in on my day off to find out what's happening. I was trying to get him to understand that maybe he should mention it to someone.

I did survive work. I then went home to drink and cut myself bad enough that I may need stitches. I will decide in the morning. I lied (sort of) and told my parents I didn't meet with people about medical leave because of the meetings and tours.. it's kinda true. I haven't mentioned the accusation of smelling of alcohol or that side of the story. I really hope they ask me to come in tomorrow so I can know. I know I need treatment, but I don't want to nag anyone or influence the decision. I care most about keeping my job. If that ends up meaning I shouldn't take time off for treatment, I will choose work. I know that's fucked up, but this job has become my life. I know if I get fired I may kill myself..  so I will wait. I will work as scheduled and wait and see what happens.

My supervisor joked via text that maybe they would forget about all this (meeting with me, warning me, firing me). I didn't find it funny. If they forget, I go back to questioning if I value my job and not inconveniencing anyone by taking time off or my life by getting help I clearly need. I don't know if he truly understands that this may be a life or death situation for me. I know I cannot live this way. I make stupid drunken choices like cutting deeply enough to consider stitches. Even driving sober I worry about the tremors and twitches affecting the foot on the brake pedal. I don't know that anyone realizes that I frequently think it would be better if I didn't wake up.

So I wait. I don't know. I wonder if my life is redeemable. I wonder if I am too far gone. I HOPE someone realizes that I need help and maybe that I am no longer sane enough to request time off work. I no longer value my life more than my job, so I need permission. Yes, I realize that isn't normal, but it's true. I care more about what people think of me than if I live.

Sorry. I am not writing this sober, but I know it's true. I will let you know when a decision is made.

Waiting

So today was miserable. I got a text about going to work early. I did end up going in at 2 instead of 3:30. I couldn't go in earlier because I worked until almost 1am and went to bed around 3. I also had to wait until I was sober enough to go. I mean I didn't expect to wake up so early.

I was supposed to talk with the manager about the accusation that someone said I smelled like alcohol. I got to work and started working expecting them to talk to me. Then the manager left, and I was left wondering what would happen. I finally asked my supervisor about it. He said they had talked to HR about it and would talk about it tomorrow... so I got to work another day not knowing if I was being fired. He told me that they were more willing to work with me than not. Whatever that meant.

I spent the night working and not knowing if I would be fired tomorrow. I almost cried several times.

I said at some point that I was terrified about tomorrow. My supervisor pulled me aside and told me not to repeat what he told me. He said they all (him, the manager, the daytime supervisor) said nice things about me. The HR guy is researching medical leave for me. The plan discussed is to make this a final warning, so if anyone ever suspects I am drinking I would be fired. Now they want me to get treatment.

He kept saying that he wasn't supposed to tell me this. He said it was unprofessional, but sometimes it's right to say the wrong thing. I think that he was worried that I would do something bad because I was so terrified about the meeting. He kept telling me not to tell anyone what he said because it was not a finalized plan. The HR guy had to get it approved.

Tomorrow I get to go in early and I guess will find out what will happen. Apparently, the boss (chief toxicologist who I know from school) I also involved. I don't know what will happen. I am willing to do pretty much whatever to keep my job. I told my supervisor that I was afraid they (him, the manager, the other supervisor) wanted me to be fired, but he assured me that they said good things. I texted a friend and another coworker about all this because it was so hard to work 9 hours not knowing if I would be fired tomorrow.

So I guess I will update tomorrow. I hope that the meeting is early in the shift. Waiting days to find out is making me crazy. I keep wondering how I will kill myself if they fire me. I keep wondering what I will say. This job has become my life.. whether that is good or bad I don't know. I don't know how honest I should/will be about how this job affects me. I am drunk enough now not to think about it. I will let you (anyone who cares) tomorrow what happens.

Reassurance

So I went to work today. I texted my therapist and told her about yesterday (see last post) and possibly going inpatient. She thinks it's a good idea. She said some reassuring things about my work ethic and that being why they won't fire me. My supervisor came in for a little while. I told him my therapist agreed with my idea about inpatient if the manager agrees. He said we would talk Monday and the manager hadn't mentioned it since I guess when she said I should work the weekend. I think that's a good sign?

I still kept obsessing. Around 11 I asked a woman who I know from school and work if I could talk to her. I just needed some reassurance, and she is the one I have talked to about the drinking besides the supervisor and manager. I trust she wouldn't gossip and that she wasn't the one who told him I smelled like alcohol because I think she would have gone to me directly first.

So we went to a room where nobody could hear. I asked if she knew why I left early yesterday (this was also to see if she was the one who told him). She said she didn't and thought I left because I had counseling early today. I told her what happened. I basically said I was possibly in trouble but didn't think they could fire me based on one person's claim that I smelled like alcohol. She agreed. I talked about how he told me but that they wanted me working the weekend, so we agreed that sending me home was probably policy. I said I have made no mistakes, I have never been written up, and while Monday was the worst possible day to be late I have never been late before. We talked about work and how the stress is affecting both of us. She agrees I should get help if they offer me time off. I felt better after because I really needed someone to agree that this one statement was not evidence enough to fire me and that they wouldn't let me work the weekend if they thought the quality of my work is bad. She said it was really shitty for him to tell me this and expect me to work two more days before the talk with the manager. It should either have happened sooner or not been mentioned until Monday because he knows I am anxious and stressed and depressed and this would make that worse.

I didn't admit to drinking before work in the conversation. I do acknowledge it is unhealthy and unethical. However, I would never go to work if I thought I wasn't thinking clearly or was making errors and impacting patients lives. I know myself well enough and understand what can happen to someone if a report is wrong. I am constantly afraid of making mistakes and being that person that gets someone kicked out of rehab for a false positive.

So I understand that I did something wrong. I also know I might kill myself if I lost this job. I mean the job itself has made me consider suicide on multiple occasions. I probably shouldn't say that to them. I mean one of those group texts I woke up to and my first idea was to swallow a bottle of seroquel.. I might say that as a sign I need help. I am so careful with my work. I also haven't gotten the help I know I need because I didn't want to inconvenience them.

So obviously I am still obsessing, but I feel a bit better now that someone has agreed they don't have evidence or cause to fire me. She agrees that me working the weekend is a good sign. I emailed my mom about possibly going inpatient and them watching the grandkittens. I lied a bit and said this was about sorting out my meds. I didn't mention drinking and only said I would talk to the bosses at work Monday. I don't want to tell them that they said something about my drinking, and honestly I am on 6 meds that aren't working and need to get back to less meds and probably it's safest to do in a hospital. 7 medications is fucking ridiculous (levothyroxine, Zoloft, wellbutrin, depakote, seroquel, Latuda, Vyvanse). My psychiatrist doesn't want to deal with me. I am cutting and that needs to stop. I'm a mess even if you ignore the drinking. However, I am honestly scared if I stop drinking that I will get worse and kill myself. The idea is pretty appealing.

Hopefully, Monday won't be terrible. I hope that they will agree to let me take time off, get help, and come back sober. I am willing to be sober for this job, but I honestly am scared of detox if I don't have help. I am willing to go to meetings, have to fucking breathe on them to show I don't smell of alcohol. I will do whatever because this is my life. I am willing to tell them I am suicidal and self destructive and that work is my main stressor. I have had more than one therapist suggest that I take medical leave because all I talk about is work stress.

So if you have any reassuring comments or advice, I could probably use it. Tomorrow is going to be busy, and I am still waiting to have this stupid talk.

What I feared would happen

I have been making a lot of poor decisions lately. I cut deep enough last night I probably should have gotten stitches. Thankfully, the new wound closure strips work well. I also twice this week have consumed alcohol at work.

Well, tonight my supervisor asked to speak with me. It was around 9pm, so I had been there over 6 hours. I had earlier bought a cherry flavored water and dumped one of those tiny bottles of vodka in it. I drank this at work to help with the shaking. Anyway, my supervisor said someone had mentioned smelling alcohol on me. I don't know if he meant tonight or another night, and I didn't ask because I figured silence was less incriminating. He said he was sending me home and that we would have to have a sit down talk with the manager but they hadn't gone to HR yet. When I asked what would happen, he said he didn't know.

I spent a minute sitting there after. I asked if I could tell him the rest of what's going on because I thought it would seem better if he knew and maybe I would get more sympathy. We went in the conference room. I told him about the depression and the cutting. I talked about the medication and my psychiatrist appointment. I blamed the latuda for me oversleeping Monday. I mentioned how I have been considering treatment but didn't think I should take time off since we are short staffed and busy and I didn't want anyone to get upset about it. He said I need to take care of myself and nobody would be upset if I did what I need to to take care of myself. He said it might be a good compromise in dealing with this situation. Like it would be better if I could show I was getting help. He said he's worried about me. He didn't want me to drive home because I was shaking so badly. I finally convinced him that I would be ok. He said he didn't smell alcohol on me, and I said the shaking would only get worse if I waited. I asked him about the weekend and he said he had to ask the manager if I should work. I agreed to text him when I got home, so he would know I got there safely. I packed up and left.

I am home safe, and he texted that the manager does want me to work tomorrow, which I think is a good sign? I am still terrified. This job is my life. I know I need help and really this job is why I haven't. I know I need to quit drinking and that I am rather suicidal (I didn't say that talking to him). I am willing to go inpatient again, especially if it will save my job. I don't know about the talk. I wish I knew when I supposedly smelled like alcohol because I would like to be able to make an excuse. I really have never been intoxicated at work. I limit my drinks to 1-2 in the daytime to postpone withdrawal.. I don't think I should say it like that. I do keep thinking they have no actual proof I have been drinking before or at work. However, I think saying that will only make them upset. I told him he can tell the manager the rest of what I told him. If he doesn't, I will probably bring it up. I am tempted to turn up Monday without bandage on my arm because it is really ugly. My left one is yellow all around the cuts? I'm hoping bruising not infection. I cleaned it and both have nice bandages on them now.

I am debating where to go inpatient. Do I go to the one near me? I don't really like it. Do I go to the same as last time? If the cafeteria staff recognize me, I will probably be too mortified to eat after that tech made them apologize for giving me grief about the vegetarian meals. There's one other option, but that places awful food was what I blame for my relapse into bulimia years ago because all I ate was chips because the meals were awful. I have the weekend to think I guess, and I told my supervisor that I wouldn't go until next week because I need to make arrangements for the cats. Plus, I probably have to have this talk first.. I guess that will be Monday since the manager and supervisors don't work weekends. I am hoping it the weekend goes well, things will be calmer by the time it happens. I know I was sent home because they are afraid that I would make mistakes, and if I haven't made any that can be part of my defense. I will probably either say I don't want to admit to anything but can swear I haven't been drunk at work or admit to having a drink before work to minimize the withdrawal which makes driving/walking/everything difficult. I don't know. I probably will end up going to detox though and maybe can just say I have a problem and need help. I will say that I was afraid they would be angry if I asked for time off because it's true and might make it clear how much I care about my job. I mean I have been suicidal and decided I would rather risk dying than miss work and inconvenience them. That's pretty devoted in a fucked up way. Plus the stress of work is what led to me cutting again. So yeah.  That's what happened. Judge me if you want to.

Psychiatrists suck

Today I had both a psychiatrist appointment and therapy, which makes for a crappy day.

The psychiatrist appointment was bad. He basically said he will continue to prescribe my Vyvanse, but he isn't going to try to treat the depression if I keep drinking. I explained that I am having trouble keeping up with 7 medications. I said I forget to take the latuda since I am supposed to take it several hours before bed. He wants me to increase the Zoloft. I think I was supposed to already but forgot. He also said that if he were in my situation, he would quit my job and move back in with my parents. Not exactly helpful. So I left feeling terrible.

I didn't make a follow up appointment. I talked about it with my therapist, and I am going to find another doctor or for now go back to my old one. He dealt more with addiction and was less of an ass about it. He just didn't listen well.

I told my therapist about being late to work Monday. I also said that my supervisor asked how I was doing yesterday.. and said he had noticed that I wasn't doing well. I still am not sure if he was referring to Monday or to me coming to work with bandages on my arms that my scrubs didn't cover. We have never actually discussed the cutting, but I think people know. I know he knew I had to get stitches that time, and I know he told some people. I think even though it wasn't discussed, the story probably implies self harm. I debated if saying more yesterday would worry him more or less. I don't see a point if he can't help.

Therapy was also rough. I talked about feeling hopeless. I talked about the belief I have had for a long time that I shouldn't make goals for life because I never expected to live this long. I brought up the bit in Wasted where she talks about thinking that life is too long a time. I still feel that way. I talked about being ashamed of how many times I have been in the hospital and how I feel like I'm going to end up back there. I feel like past a certain number of times, I go from seeming "sick" (the way people say depression is just an illness like diabetes) to seeming crazy. I mean I think of myself as "crazy" because I hate the word sick. Somehow though, it's different for other people to think of me as crazy. I worry if I ever actually mention the cutting, they will see me as crazy. Somehow that behavior seems worse than the drinking. Most people have known alcoholics. I'm rambling, but this has been on my mind. My therapist suggested I listen to something other than the book Madness at work. Probably a good idea because that's what got me thinking about the hospital thing again. When she lists the times she was in hospital, it reminds me of the first time I was in a psych ward. My psychiatrist there said that I would probably end up having to go inpatient periodically. She had diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder, which I don't think I have (and haven't been diagnosed as since). I think it was because I was a tad defiant at the time and prone to arguing with her. There was a book that they took away that I repeatedly argued with her about getting back. I have grown up a bit since then. I also know better than to read books about suicide in day treatment. I have also never been able to find a copy of that book again.

In other news, I spent a fair amount of money on first aid supplies today. I got more non stick pads and tape, adhesive gauze pads to keep in my purse, and a different kind of wound closure since I hate the butterfly ones. Now I have a waterproof bandage on one arm and wound closures with a non stick pad and tape on the other.. honestly I might need stitches if that doesn't hold. I am hoping the new closures hold because as of now the cut is closed, but the question is will it stay closed and heal. I am obviously not doing well.

Shrug

Today I went to work despite Wednesday being my day off. I felt like if others worked on their days off, I should work on mine. I have been listening to Madness by Marya Hornbacher on my phone and I think it's making things worse. So much of that book is my life. The drinking, the meds, the hospitalization is me. So probably I shouldn't be listening to it at work.

Today especially, I felt off. I cut the night before so had a bandage on my arm. It was deep enough to be concerning, and it was a place on my arm that I could not hide. I didn't intend for it to be visible, but I decided I would rather have a visible bandage than visible cuts.

At some point, I was walking to the restroom. My supervisor asked how I was doing. I shrugged because I couldn't just say bad. He said he had noticed. He asked if he could help. I said no. I mentioned struggling with taking my meds and seeing my doctor tomorrow. I didn't mention drinking because I am afraid of anyone mentioning me coming to work drunk. I didn't mention the cutting, but I assume it's obvious since I have not tried to hide bandages.

I finished the night. I didn't say anything else. I considered it, but I don't know what it would accomplish. I want to have permission to take time off to get help, but we are so short handed. I don't think it would be well received. I would rather they not know if I can't get treatment. I would rather just die. I am not willing to say I am suicidal because I am not sure I am? I am not willing to say I am self destructive because I am not willing to stop.

I really considered telling my supervisor something, but I don't know what to say. I have my psychiatrist did therapist tomorrow. I hope they can help.