Good news or bad news

I am still feeling kind of lost with regards to my mental health, so this is probably going to be all over the place. I apologize for that.

The news I have is that I may have a job. I say may have because I had the interview and was offered the job, but I am waiting on some email from HR that's the next step in the process. I don't want to actually say I have the job until I actually finish the hiring process and start because in my pessimistic mind, it could still all go wrong. I mean.. twice during my drinking I was offered jobs that I never started. One I backed out of because I was irrationally afraid of working in a restaurant, and the second I ended up inpatient the day I should have started and just never called the store about it. This job is the first interview I have gone on in at least 6 months, and it was a very strange experience. I put in an application at a pet boarding/daycare place that my parents have used. I got a call within a couple hours asking me to set up an interview for the next day. It happened fast enough that I didn't have time to truly second guess it. Actually, I made a conscious effort before the interview to not think about what would happen later. My mind could certainly come up with a million reasons this was a terrible idea, but I chose not to think anything good or bad. I didn't want my hopes up either because I have been unemployed over a year, and I don't really have work experience with animals. I have volunteered in high school in a vet clinic, and I have done petsitting for a few friends. Otherwise, my experience just comes from having dogs and cats and having friends with dogs and cats. The interview was really easy. She didn't even really ask about my past jobs except the usual question about what employers would say my good qualities are. She said I could either work out front (with the people) or in back with the animals. I said I am open to both, but I probably would prefer the dogs at this point. She showed me around, and I hope that I made a good impression because the groomer had her 3 dogs in one room and I stopped to pet them. One jumped up and licked my face, and I kind of tried to get him to stop jumping (we had a dog who did that) but greeted the dogs and pet them. I got to see the dogs in back and where they let the dogs play. There was one cat that I stopped to pet. In the end she told me what to expect next in the hiring process, and I was surprised because I was expecting to have to wait to find out if I got it. I asked a bit about dress code and that was it. Now I'm just waiting for the email.. it was supposed to take 2-3 days and I did the interview Thursday. If I don't get it tomorrow, I will give her a call.

I am very anxious. I am not exactly doing well these days.. I mean I am screwing around with my meds a bit. I am having more suicidal thoughts (probably because next month will be a year since my last attempt). I am struggling with self harm and the bulimia. But I am going to be waiting forever if i wait until I am well to look for work. This is a good opportunity because I get to work more with animals than with people, and I like animals more than people on most days. I don't know if my parents are going to be happy about driving me. My dad has said that they will drive me, but I don't know if they will actually be happy to do it or act like it's a burden. I can take public transportation probably, but I need to have some money to pay for that. Right now I have a little cash but no debit/credit card or checking account. I am considering asking my parents for a bike for by birthday next month, so I could ride to work (it's less than 3 miles). The fear with that or public transportation is that increased independence means increased chances to get alcohol. I am already trying to figure out what to do with the money when I start getting paid.. do I pay my parents back for everything they've done? do I try to pay some medical bills? how will this affect filing for bankruptcy? I still definitely won't be making enough to pay all the bills I have.. I mean working part time at $9 an hour is not enough to pay back almost $30k in bills. I also don't know if I will be able to get benefits (the person who interviewed me didn't know how many hours I need for that). Plus, I get my meds for free right now because of my income and the place I go, but if I have insurance I will have to go elsewhere.. and then I will probably have to pay copays, and that could honestly take a lot of my income.

So see how a good thing can easily become a bad thing? I can think endlessly about it, so I am trying just not to. I am just waiting for the email. Then I will do whatever the next step is. I am not thinking too far ahead because I can sabotage this so easily.

I see my psychiatrist next week. I am planning to tell him that I need to be taken off of some meds. I am planning to say that he has no right to comment on my weight because 1. I know I am overweight and it's bad for my health 2. I am bulimic and that's pretty bad for my health and 3. I am on a very high dose of Seroquel and at least one other medication that can cause weight gain. I am mostly wanting to have the seroquel reduced or eliminated because I am always exhausted. I also just don't think I need to be on so many medications that don't make sense for my diagnosis. Then next month I am seeing a new psychiatrist because my case worker really disliked some comments the doctor made regarding my weight and eating despite having been told I have an eating disorder. I'm also on 2 antidepressants, an antipsychotic, an anti anxiety med, and a mood stabilizer... which is an awful lot and doesn't exactly make sense if I am diagnosed with depression. But I can't see the new person until October and I cannot be this tired all the time for another month.

So that is my rant and update. I will write again soon and let you know how things are progressing.

Relapse was not what I expected

So for a month or so my parents have been planning to go out of town for a couple days. They left on tuesday and came back today (thursday), which is the longest I have been left alone for a long time. Well, it went awful. I am going to keep this short because my brain is exhausted and not working very well. As soon as they left, I started drinking. I very quickly was too drunk to function. I had to nap off and on to make the vodka last until it was a socially acceptable time to go to bed. Wednesday night I started drinking rubbing alcohol. Today I felt really out of it. I cried at AA and picked up a desire chip. I am just exhausted and depressed. I will write more later. I have had a bad day

6 months

I still feel like things are crumbling. I think I determine how I am doing by how much of the day I am not anxious, obsessive, or longing to be in bed. These days that is so little of the day.

During the day, I have my mom complaining about my dad. I worry about her health. I worry that she is unhappy being married and that I am somehow either the cause of their problems or an obstacle to them splitting up. When they're both home, I am always on edge because of it. I just want space and quiet.

I am just exhausted all the time. I want to stop taking the Seroquel to see if that helps, but instead I just drink coffee to try to function. I am still considering job applications, but I am afraid to apply for anything that my parents would have to drive me to because I know they might say they are willing, but they will act like it's an inconvenience. I also just doubt I can handle more right now.

I just have 3 more days until my parents leave for a couple days. I know the next few days will be stressful because they always get stressed before trips. Like my dad was searching the house for the key to a lock box tonight at 11pm.. like it couldn't wait until a reasonable time. I was anxious because he went in my room. Both my parents went in my closet earlier in the week to find a suitcase, but I don't think they saw the vodka. I know they have the right to be in the room since it's their house, but I hate the lack of privacy. When they leave, I think I may either drink or try to take extra meds to sleep. I am just so tired. I am 6 months sober, but drinking sounds wonderful to me. I just want a break from consciousness and feeling. I guess I will see what happens once I am alone. I am definitely looking forward to whatever I decide to do because I can be alone.

Looking forward to...

Do you ever just feel like you're headed for a breakdown? I don't really know. I am exhausted and feeling very over medicated, and I am relying on coffee to function. My case worker is trying to get me in to see a different psychiatrist because mine doesn't seem concerned with the number of meds I'm on and seems oblivious to the fact that I have an eating disorder. I want to stop taking my Seroquel, but I am trying not to change my own meds because it always ends badly.

I am really struggling with people. My parents keep arguing, and I hate it. I am too scared to talk sometimes because it might make it worse. Like I needed a few things at the grocery store last weekend, but they had already argued that morning and I just wanted shopping to be over with. But guess what.. they're going to be out of town for a few days soon. I am so excited. I honestly just want to stay in bed and rest and not have to be anxious all the time and putting on an act. I also want to drink, but I don't know if I will. I am just really unsure about sobriety. I feel like I am going to relapse eventually because I am not really motivated. Drinking or not, I just want to be alone. I just want to stop pretending that I am fine. I am not fine.

I have some time before this happens, so we'll see. For now, I am going to keep up the act.

Struggling to make sense of it all

I am just frustrated because I can tell I am not in a very good place mentally, but I don't know what to do about it. I spend way too much time thinking, and that isn't a good idea. There's a part in the big book where it's talking about step 10 and it says "but we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse, or morbid reflection." That term morbid reflection is used other places as well, and it just seems so accurate to describe the kind of thinking my mind gets into when there's no distraction.. or actually as its own distraction from something that is even worse.

So my parents joined a gym last week, and they ran into a friend of mine (a woman I have known since 4th grade) there. I got a text from my friend asking how I was doing and if I was available for lunch sometime. I had this sinking feeling reading it because I didn't know what to tell her. I hadn't seen her in quite a while.. I can't really remember when I last saw her. I finally settled on telling her I was living at home and didn't have a car, so I wasn't sure about lunch. She offered to pick me up. That was fine, but she asked what I had been up to. I settled on a very abbreviated version of the truth and said that I was looking for work and trying to get back on my feet. I said I had been sober since February because she does know about my alcoholism. I had mentioned it to her at least once to be sure I wasn't pressured to drink at parties. Anyway, we had lunch yesterday. It was nice to see her and go out with someone other than my parents. I just really tried to steer the conversation back to what was going on with her and her kids and family and job because really I don't have a lot to talk about.

What I was trying to avoid (and this is how we get back to the morbid reflection) is talking about what I have actually been doing this past year. I mean basically I have spent as much time in treatment as out of it. I struggle to even remember when I was in the hospital and under what circumstance I was sent there. I somehow got onto thinking about that over the weekend, and I just started getting really frustrated and pathetic that I kept going into hospitals over and over to detox. That's been going on since the first year of my alcoholism. I would basically drink myself to the point of being unable to function or not take my meds and let the depression reach that point. Then I would check myself into a hospital for a week, come home, and soon start the whole process over again. I can vaguely remember listening to someone joke about suicide attempts once and basically say that if you're truly suicidal, why would you not succeed? So I don't know how to interpret my own behavior. Did I check myself into the hospital because I wasn't trying to die and just wanted the attention and the escape? Or did I do that in an honest attempt to get well and then relapse because the same thoughts and feelings were still there and led to the same downward spiral? There are people in AA who went to treatment once (or never) and then stayed sober or at least never went back to treatment. In a year, I was in rehab 3 times.. and really the result of all 3 was serious suicidal ideation and multiple attempts (only one officially acknowledged). I don't know whether to be grateful I went to treatment because my physical health was pretty bad at some points and I might not still be alive, or should I be angry that I went because I failed at my goal of drinking myself to death?

So this is the kind of thing that occupies my mind a lot. I find myself reading back through this blog (a practice I try to avoid) in an attempt to make sense of when things happened because my memory really isn't great.. I have to have the blog or hospital bills or something to remind me when I was in which hospital. I really don't know if the memory loss is entirely alcohol related or if ECT plays a role. I mean I still have conversations with people and then later couldn't tell you what was said.. especially if I am tired. I feel like my brain isn't fully functional, and that's part of why I went along with applying for disability. Add to that how exhausted my medication makes me.. I am considering stopping my morning Seroquel to help with  the energy level problem, but should I really be making decisions about my  meds without consulting my doctor? Probably not.

I know that I am struggling. Objectively, I know. I am purging almost daily. I am cutting several times a week. I am choosing not to take all of my Wellbutrin. I am stashing the extra pills. I feel like at any moment I will give in to the desire to drink. I am having thoughts about other bad behaviors, but I haven't acted on them. Still, I convince myself that I am well because nobody else seems concerned about me. I mean.. I haven't told the entire truth, but it is so hard when they don't ask the right questions. I also just don't think they can do anything. There's not much they can offer me besides a bunch of meds and a small amount of therapy. All I really want is to have some time to myself to not have to pretend it's all ok. I am constantly on edge around my parents because I feel like they expect something from me but I don't know  what it is, and I never know when they will start arguing and about what. I mean I finally heard back from a legal aid attorney, and he sent me a questionnaire to fill out about bankruptcy. He said I needed to include my parents income and expenses since I live with them. My parents were annoyed about this and then kept arguing over what my dad listed for the expenses. I just sat there feeling guilty even though they wanted me to do this, and I am only doing what the lawyer asked. I didn't get involved with the argument about what to put down because it's none of my business. So I really just wish I could have some space to relax and rest and not be acting. I am so tired. I don't know how to tell anyone how I am doing because I think I should be doing better. The guilt about the past just makes me feel like I don't have the right to be struggling now.. but this is also the longest I have been out of the hospital for a while.

But that's enough rambling.. I need to get out of my head

Empty feeling

I did not realize how long it has been since I wrote. Days seem to be passing by quickly but mostly because they're all the same. I mean my routine is pretty much the same. My family is the same. My thoughts are the same. I'm doing well on the outside, but there's probably a lot to be concerned about. Actually, I guess some things have happened, but I will get to that.

I am struggling with emotions.. I vacillate between sadness, anxiety, numbness, and exhaustion. There are brief moments of happiness mixed in, but I think most happiness is just a lack of the other negative emotions. I am still not compliant with my meds. I am only taking my Wellbutrin in the morning and stashing or throwing out the evening dose. This is because when I was taking it I really felt blank and empty.. not unhappy but not really anything. This brings back the safety of depression. Except I am also now exhausted all the time. I did stop the random self medicating for sleep.. I had been occasionally taking extra Seroquel or Doxepin (I think that's it?) or Buspar to sleep at night. That meant not taking the seroquel or buspar in the morning and stashing the pills. It really was quite a mess. Now I am only occasionally taking melatonin, which I managed to find time to go to the pharmacy for because I was dropped off early for an appointment. I probably could have asked my parents to buy it, but I had to go to the pharmacy to buy more laxatives anyway. I did tell my psychiatrist about not taking the Wellbutrin. He basically told me to start taking it. He also mentioned it would help decrease my appetite. That's because I did say I was stress eating (I have told him I am bulimic before), and his solution was to tell me to just eat salad and vegetables. This guy is pretty useless.

Last week my mom was in the hospital for a few days. It started Sunday night/Monday morning (because it was around midnight) when she told me she was having numbness on one side of her body and her face. My dad was taking her to the ER. I was laying in bed when she told me. I got up and stared at my closet because I wanted a drink. I was afraid they'd come back and find out and that would be awful. I ended up making myself toast and eating that and going back to bed. She was in the hospital for 2 days before getting an MRI because she has a nerve stimulator implant thing in her back for the pain she has, and they took forever to verify and decide it was safe to do the MRI. The result is she had a minor stroke. During all this, I was home alone a lot.. I didn't drink. I did a lot of pacing and walking on the treadmill and some b/p to keep myself sane. I saw her in the hospital a couple times. She's home now, and it's like they are barely talking about it. I want to have a clear conversation about what the doctor said and what she needs to do or needs to avoid and how to help. I mean she snapped at me because I offered to get something out of the freezer when I got back from a meeting. She said that she didn't forget and wasn't stupid.. or something. I just saw it wasn't out, and it was something I could do without getting in the way. So I don't know what to do except wait for her to ask for my help if she needs it.

My desire to drink has been increasing over the past couple weeks. It didn't go down when she got home. I am trying to decide in my head when I can buy more vodka because I don't want to drink what I have and be unable to get more. The bottle I have is the emergency plan.. kind of like I can't take the seroquel hidden in my room without replenishing it. I was on here tonight reading posts from last summer and fall.. the ones before rehab and the ones around my suicide attempts. I am still suicidal but mostly just thoughts. I haven't been intending to do anything. I almost feel like I need to reduce some other medication to increase the depression until I need to do  something. Now I am only a little depressed and very tired.. and my life feels empty and pointless. It's just going through the motions, and it's frustrating.

I guess that's all I have to say tonight. I am exhausted and struggling to make sense. It's really pathetic that I am exhausted enough to go to bed at 11 and I can't even stay awake to watch a full episode of something on Netflix in bed. I will write more soon

Exhausted

I am really struggling the past week with exhaustion. I am just so tired physically and mentally. I try very hard to maintain an illusion of normalcy, which includes not napping and not sleeping late or going to bed before 11. When I was drinking, I spent most of my time in bed, so I don't want my parents to think that I am drinking.. or to find out I am not taking my Wellbutrin, which is probably why I am tired.

I also just want to say my parents are driving me crazy. They are arguing so much. I am not sure who is at fault because they both seem to get angry over little things. I refuse to get involved because it's not my fight and I hate conflict. Still, I am walking on eggshells trying not to cause anything. My mom complains to me about my dad, and I just listen and nod because I hate taking sides. I am honestly worried sometimes they will separate, and I will have to pick where to stay or end up with nowhere. I also worry it is somehow my fault.

In better news, I finally have an appointment to talk to someone about the disability appeal. I am hoping they can help. My case worker also asked if I was ready to work on the insane thoughts. I still don't know what to tell her and where to start because it's all so normal to me but I know it's not normal. It's the first she's mentioned working on anything serious and not just mindfulness and meditation. Those are valid but not really enough to do on my own and make it better. I am worried that I will reach a point where I will do some of the stuff I think about. So now I just have to figure out what to tell her and hope that it helps.

I really want to drink. I am too afraid to drink the vodka without knowing I can get more, so I am trying to think how to get a second bottle. I am back to where I can't imagine life with or without alcohol. I am avoiding texting my sponsor. I just don't know how willing I am to change. Right now I am just tired.