Celebrating another year?

I don't exactly know what to say about how I am doing. The best I can try to explain it is that I have a very precarious grip on things. Everything appears fine from the outside, but I am aware of how easily it could all go to hell in a moment.

The biggest thing that's causing this is that my birthday is in a few days. If you go back far enough in this blog, you will see that on my birthday last year I was released from the hospital after a suicide attempt. It was not the only suicide attempt of 2017, and I'm not even sure if it was the last. There were a few experiments with methods that I wouldn't count as attempts (but that all the professionals counted as attempts). There were a few more overdoses, but the one last September was the only one I got caught for and ended up in a medical hospital and then in psych. My memory is really unclear about that time last year. I went to rehab in August after reaching a really low place with the drinking. I came home and about a week later I know I bought vodka. I was in an IOP program but insurance didn't want to keep paying. The night of the attempt I went to an AA meeting and no one else showed up. I overdosed on some meds I had.. then the next day started shaking and having trouble walking at IOP (on the day I was to  be discharged) and ended up being taken to the ER. I ended up doing ECT again after I was sent to psych, which is probably why my memory is blurry. Anyway, my brain keeps trying to remember details of last year and trying to piece it together. I try not to do that because it is easy to get sucked in to all the awful stuff that happened last year, and it leaves me feeling worthless and hopeless.

I was originally planning to ask not to celebrate my birthday because I didn't expect to have a job, and my brother's birthday is 4 days after mine. I didn't want to get presents if I couldn't buy him a present. Last year I think maybe I bought him a birthday present, but by Christmas I was broke and didn't buy anyone anything. Well, I got this job and couldn't convince myself to ask them not to do anything for my birthday because I didn't want to explain that thinking about my birthday and last year has me very depressed. So I am planning to just fake happy and go to dinner and accept presents. I hate knowing I will be 32 and living with my parents and dependent on them.

Well let's add to that part of things. I got a response about my disability application appeal. Basically, they decided my present symptoms are not enough to be considered disabling. I know that I am working now, so that may be correct. It said to contact them again if things get worse. I am pretty much always aware and planning for if things get worse. I am already wondering how to explain to my new bosses about my problems if it comes up. Like if they want to know why I asked to be part time or asked for a certain day off. I can lie. I just would rather not lie. I am debating now if I should be trying to go full time since I won't be getting disability, but I am already so exhausted and anxious and sinking into depression at times. I am trying to reassure myself that it is ok to return to normal functioning slowly. As low as I got (never getting out of bed, never sober, avoiding people, ECT, medication, hospitalizations, etc), it is normal to not want to try too much too quickly. Still, the response made me question whether or not I really have a problem and if I really should be able to do so much more than this. I am fighting the urge to sabotage things in all sorts of ways.

I am just so tired. It isn't the kind of tired that sleeping will completely fix, and when I am tired it is so much easier to do really stupid things. I am fighting those urges all the time. I haven't really had the energy for bulimia or self harm, and that's the only thing stopping those behaviors. I come home from work (7 hours on my feet with maybe 10 minutes sitting down) exhausted and sore, and I eat dinner and sit around waiting until it's time to shower and sleep. If I lived alone, I might just go to bed right away. I would love to drink. I just haven't had an opportunity to get to the liquor store because my parents have been home pretty much any time that I am. I know in my heart I will drink again when I have the chance.

I am struggling with sobriety. I am not calling my sponsor. I am going to meetings but not everyday because of work. I am questioning the program and its requirement of a belief in a higher power. Yes, they say it doesn't have to be God, but there is a definite pressure to make it god. My sponsor might say that she is fine with me using the group or whatever as my higher power, but then she tells me to ask God to remove the desire to drink or asks me to say prayers that have the word God in them. For a while, I didn't doubt my belief in a creator. I just wasn't on speaking terms with Him. I don't believe in a God that I can have a personal relationship with or that I can ask for things and be heard. I don't know if I believe in a benevolent creator. I explained this but the pressure from my sponsor was clearly to begin speaking to God and not supportive of my attempt to work the program without that relationship. Does that make any sense? I have talked about it with other people, so I know it isn't just me that feels the pressure to believe differently even if the program at its core doesn't say that we have to. Well actually, the chapter "We agnostics" that everyone cites as showing that agnostics can find sobriety too tells the story of an agnostic who suddenly begins to believe in God and falls to his knees and prays. I am very fearful of being forced back into a relationship with a God that I believed in and who created me with this depression and emptiness and all of my problems.

So between the memories of last year and my struggling to function and work and my struggles with AA, I feel like anything wrong that happens could drive me over the edge. I have pressure from my parents to do little things like open a bank account that scares me because I still have no idea how to rebuild my life. I don't know how I will ever fix my financial situation. I don't know how to  go from this to independence. I have no guidance for all that. I have very little professional support and basically no guidance on practical matters. I will stop rambling now. I am exhausted and had a hellish day at work. I should just go to bed.

Day one

I have had an exhausting week.. or weeks. I am just struggling with having the energy for it all. I saw my psychiatrist on Wednesday and I wanted to beat his head against a wall. I really cannot stand the man. Before I saw him, I saw a different case worker. She asked questions about how I was doing with the meds and just how I was doing in general. I was able to explain to her how the meds are making me feel so drowsy and exhausted and it's hard to function. She also looked at them and saw that it doesn't really make sense to be on all this given my diagnosis. Then I go see the doctor, and it was beyond frustrating. I said I was really tired. He asked about the depression, and I said it's still a problem. He started talking about increasing something. He asked if I have ever had an eating disorder or seizure disorder because I take Wellbutrin. I told him (NOT for the first time) that I have an eating disorder. He started saying how that is dangerous with Wellbutrin. I tried to say (trying not to snap at him) that I have taken it the majority of the past 11 years, and I have never had a seizure. I am not worried about it. He offered to increase my Lexapro, and I said maybe he could reduce the Seroquel. He started suggesting I just take 200mg in the morning and 400mg at night, so it's the same combined dose. This is where I started losing my patience. I said that I would like to reduce the dose. 600mg is too much. I have never been psychotic. He said it is also used for bipolar (I interrupted and said that I am NOT bipolar and have never been manic) and anxiety. He pulls out his phone and shows me what it's prescribed for and points out generalized anxiety disorder, treatment resistant. I point out that it doesn't suggest 600mg for that. The site said like 50-150mg for anxiety. He finally lowers it to 200mg in the morning and 200mg at night, and I give up because that's something at least. I see another doctor next month. I seriously almost lost it because he doesn't listen and it doesn't make sense to be on that high a dose.. or probably to be on the Lithium. Oh and then he wants to weigh me and is surprised I ask to weigh backwards. I had just reminded him that I was bulimic, and I had mentioned that most of my recent weight gain was after the Seroquel was increased from 200mg daily to 600mg and after the lithium was added. So how can he criticize my weight but refuse to take me off of any meds?

Then after that I had to go shopping for pants for work. Thankfully I was tired enough not to get really upset over it. I found a pair that fit nicely (actually kept having to pull them up today.. oops) and a new bra because one of mine died.

My big accomplishment this morning was to finally tell my mom that I am out of my levothyroxine and need to see a doctor for it. I lied about how long I have been out because I'm embarrassed that I was too embarrassed to ask her to take me somewhere to see someone. She ended up giving me some of her pills to at least make up for not having my own for a few days. I explained the options of where to go to get it, so I just have to find a day I am off work to go.

Then I went to work 12-4 today. I watched a couple training videos then pretty much followed people around. I helped get dogs for play groups. I was a little confused during this and just got the dogs I was told without being able to stop and read their notes to understand who goes to big dogs group, small dogs, etc. Then we filled water bowls. I got to pet lots of dogs. I also got to play with some of the ones that get individual play time. I helped with cleaning a couple cages. Then I spent some time out front learning where paperwork goes up there and being told various rules about handling the dogs in different situations. Then I helped with feeding dinner. I did mix up the food I was supposed to give to one dog with another because I had trouble hearing and was just stupid, but the person didn't act like it was a big deal. That was pretty much it. I work tomorrow and Saturday from 12-7. The supervisor started talking about me doing 12-7 all next week, and I kind of reminded her we had talked about me being part time. Basically I was already so tired I could cry after 4 hours, I knew that working 35 hours next week would end badly. I also almost snapped at my dad because I was talking about dinner tomorrow and if we would eat after I got home. He said "well, I know you will want to go to the 8pm meeting" and I honestly can't remember my response. What I want to say is that I know I will be exhausted, and I think it is reasonable to not make 7 meetings a week if I am working. If it comes down to being able to eat dinner or making the meeting, I would like to eat dinner. Not eating until 9 pm just sounds like torture. I didn't say all that because I knew I couldn't say it calmly, and I know they have no real sense of how tired I am. I will consider later what to say about it. I mean.. I think making 5 meetings a week or so is plenty.

So I will probably go to bed early tonight. It's been a long week

Good news or bad news

I am still feeling kind of lost with regards to my mental health, so this is probably going to be all over the place. I apologize for that.

The news I have is that I may have a job. I say may have because I had the interview and was offered the job, but I am waiting on some email from HR that's the next step in the process. I don't want to actually say I have the job until I actually finish the hiring process and start because in my pessimistic mind, it could still all go wrong. I mean.. twice during my drinking I was offered jobs that I never started. One I backed out of because I was irrationally afraid of working in a restaurant, and the second I ended up inpatient the day I should have started and just never called the store about it. This job is the first interview I have gone on in at least 6 months, and it was a very strange experience. I put in an application at a pet boarding/daycare place that my parents have used. I got a call within a couple hours asking me to set up an interview for the next day. It happened fast enough that I didn't have time to truly second guess it. Actually, I made a conscious effort before the interview to not think about what would happen later. My mind could certainly come up with a million reasons this was a terrible idea, but I chose not to think anything good or bad. I didn't want my hopes up either because I have been unemployed over a year, and I don't really have work experience with animals. I have volunteered in high school in a vet clinic, and I have done petsitting for a few friends. Otherwise, my experience just comes from having dogs and cats and having friends with dogs and cats. The interview was really easy. She didn't even really ask about my past jobs except the usual question about what employers would say my good qualities are. She said I could either work out front (with the people) or in back with the animals. I said I am open to both, but I probably would prefer the dogs at this point. She showed me around, and I hope that I made a good impression because the groomer had her 3 dogs in one room and I stopped to pet them. One jumped up and licked my face, and I kind of tried to get him to stop jumping (we had a dog who did that) but greeted the dogs and pet them. I got to see the dogs in back and where they let the dogs play. There was one cat that I stopped to pet. In the end she told me what to expect next in the hiring process, and I was surprised because I was expecting to have to wait to find out if I got it. I asked a bit about dress code and that was it. Now I'm just waiting for the email.. it was supposed to take 2-3 days and I did the interview Thursday. If I don't get it tomorrow, I will give her a call.

I am very anxious. I am not exactly doing well these days.. I mean I am screwing around with my meds a bit. I am having more suicidal thoughts (probably because next month will be a year since my last attempt). I am struggling with self harm and the bulimia. But I am going to be waiting forever if i wait until I am well to look for work. This is a good opportunity because I get to work more with animals than with people, and I like animals more than people on most days. I don't know if my parents are going to be happy about driving me. My dad has said that they will drive me, but I don't know if they will actually be happy to do it or act like it's a burden. I can take public transportation probably, but I need to have some money to pay for that. Right now I have a little cash but no debit/credit card or checking account. I am considering asking my parents for a bike for by birthday next month, so I could ride to work (it's less than 3 miles). The fear with that or public transportation is that increased independence means increased chances to get alcohol. I am already trying to figure out what to do with the money when I start getting paid.. do I pay my parents back for everything they've done? do I try to pay some medical bills? how will this affect filing for bankruptcy? I still definitely won't be making enough to pay all the bills I have.. I mean working part time at $9 an hour is not enough to pay back almost $30k in bills. I also don't know if I will be able to get benefits (the person who interviewed me didn't know how many hours I need for that). Plus, I get my meds for free right now because of my income and the place I go, but if I have insurance I will have to go elsewhere.. and then I will probably have to pay copays, and that could honestly take a lot of my income.

So see how a good thing can easily become a bad thing? I can think endlessly about it, so I am trying just not to. I am just waiting for the email. Then I will do whatever the next step is. I am not thinking too far ahead because I can sabotage this so easily.

I see my psychiatrist next week. I am planning to tell him that I need to be taken off of some meds. I am planning to say that he has no right to comment on my weight because 1. I know I am overweight and it's bad for my health 2. I am bulimic and that's pretty bad for my health and 3. I am on a very high dose of Seroquel and at least one other medication that can cause weight gain. I am mostly wanting to have the seroquel reduced or eliminated because I am always exhausted. I also just don't think I need to be on so many medications that don't make sense for my diagnosis. Then next month I am seeing a new psychiatrist because my case worker really disliked some comments the doctor made regarding my weight and eating despite having been told I have an eating disorder. I'm also on 2 antidepressants, an antipsychotic, an anti anxiety med, and a mood stabilizer... which is an awful lot and doesn't exactly make sense if I am diagnosed with depression. But I can't see the new person until October and I cannot be this tired all the time for another month.

So that is my rant and update. I will write again soon and let you know how things are progressing.

Relapse was not what I expected

So for a month or so my parents have been planning to go out of town for a couple days. They left on tuesday and came back today (thursday), which is the longest I have been left alone for a long time. Well, it went awful. I am going to keep this short because my brain is exhausted and not working very well. As soon as they left, I started drinking. I very quickly was too drunk to function. I had to nap off and on to make the vodka last until it was a socially acceptable time to go to bed. Wednesday night I started drinking rubbing alcohol. Today I felt really out of it. I cried at AA and picked up a desire chip. I am just exhausted and depressed. I will write more later. I have had a bad day

6 months

I still feel like things are crumbling. I think I determine how I am doing by how much of the day I am not anxious, obsessive, or longing to be in bed. These days that is so little of the day.

During the day, I have my mom complaining about my dad. I worry about her health. I worry that she is unhappy being married and that I am somehow either the cause of their problems or an obstacle to them splitting up. When they're both home, I am always on edge because of it. I just want space and quiet.

I am just exhausted all the time. I want to stop taking the Seroquel to see if that helps, but instead I just drink coffee to try to function. I am still considering job applications, but I am afraid to apply for anything that my parents would have to drive me to because I know they might say they are willing, but they will act like it's an inconvenience. I also just doubt I can handle more right now.

I just have 3 more days until my parents leave for a couple days. I know the next few days will be stressful because they always get stressed before trips. Like my dad was searching the house for the key to a lock box tonight at 11pm.. like it couldn't wait until a reasonable time. I was anxious because he went in my room. Both my parents went in my closet earlier in the week to find a suitcase, but I don't think they saw the vodka. I know they have the right to be in the room since it's their house, but I hate the lack of privacy. When they leave, I think I may either drink or try to take extra meds to sleep. I am just so tired. I am 6 months sober, but drinking sounds wonderful to me. I just want a break from consciousness and feeling. I guess I will see what happens once I am alone. I am definitely looking forward to whatever I decide to do because I can be alone.

Looking forward to...

Do you ever just feel like you're headed for a breakdown? I don't really know. I am exhausted and feeling very over medicated, and I am relying on coffee to function. My case worker is trying to get me in to see a different psychiatrist because mine doesn't seem concerned with the number of meds I'm on and seems oblivious to the fact that I have an eating disorder. I want to stop taking my Seroquel, but I am trying not to change my own meds because it always ends badly.

I am really struggling with people. My parents keep arguing, and I hate it. I am too scared to talk sometimes because it might make it worse. Like I needed a few things at the grocery store last weekend, but they had already argued that morning and I just wanted shopping to be over with. But guess what.. they're going to be out of town for a few days soon. I am so excited. I honestly just want to stay in bed and rest and not have to be anxious all the time and putting on an act. I also want to drink, but I don't know if I will. I am just really unsure about sobriety. I feel like I am going to relapse eventually because I am not really motivated. Drinking or not, I just want to be alone. I just want to stop pretending that I am fine. I am not fine.

I have some time before this happens, so we'll see. For now, I am going to keep up the act.

Struggling to make sense of it all

I am just frustrated because I can tell I am not in a very good place mentally, but I don't know what to do about it. I spend way too much time thinking, and that isn't a good idea. There's a part in the big book where it's talking about step 10 and it says "but we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse, or morbid reflection." That term morbid reflection is used other places as well, and it just seems so accurate to describe the kind of thinking my mind gets into when there's no distraction.. or actually as its own distraction from something that is even worse.

So my parents joined a gym last week, and they ran into a friend of mine (a woman I have known since 4th grade) there. I got a text from my friend asking how I was doing and if I was available for lunch sometime. I had this sinking feeling reading it because I didn't know what to tell her. I hadn't seen her in quite a while.. I can't really remember when I last saw her. I finally settled on telling her I was living at home and didn't have a car, so I wasn't sure about lunch. She offered to pick me up. That was fine, but she asked what I had been up to. I settled on a very abbreviated version of the truth and said that I was looking for work and trying to get back on my feet. I said I had been sober since February because she does know about my alcoholism. I had mentioned it to her at least once to be sure I wasn't pressured to drink at parties. Anyway, we had lunch yesterday. It was nice to see her and go out with someone other than my parents. I just really tried to steer the conversation back to what was going on with her and her kids and family and job because really I don't have a lot to talk about.

What I was trying to avoid (and this is how we get back to the morbid reflection) is talking about what I have actually been doing this past year. I mean basically I have spent as much time in treatment as out of it. I struggle to even remember when I was in the hospital and under what circumstance I was sent there. I somehow got onto thinking about that over the weekend, and I just started getting really frustrated and pathetic that I kept going into hospitals over and over to detox. That's been going on since the first year of my alcoholism. I would basically drink myself to the point of being unable to function or not take my meds and let the depression reach that point. Then I would check myself into a hospital for a week, come home, and soon start the whole process over again. I can vaguely remember listening to someone joke about suicide attempts once and basically say that if you're truly suicidal, why would you not succeed? So I don't know how to interpret my own behavior. Did I check myself into the hospital because I wasn't trying to die and just wanted the attention and the escape? Or did I do that in an honest attempt to get well and then relapse because the same thoughts and feelings were still there and led to the same downward spiral? There are people in AA who went to treatment once (or never) and then stayed sober or at least never went back to treatment. In a year, I was in rehab 3 times.. and really the result of all 3 was serious suicidal ideation and multiple attempts (only one officially acknowledged). I don't know whether to be grateful I went to treatment because my physical health was pretty bad at some points and I might not still be alive, or should I be angry that I went because I failed at my goal of drinking myself to death?

So this is the kind of thing that occupies my mind a lot. I find myself reading back through this blog (a practice I try to avoid) in an attempt to make sense of when things happened because my memory really isn't great.. I have to have the blog or hospital bills or something to remind me when I was in which hospital. I really don't know if the memory loss is entirely alcohol related or if ECT plays a role. I mean I still have conversations with people and then later couldn't tell you what was said.. especially if I am tired. I feel like my brain isn't fully functional, and that's part of why I went along with applying for disability. Add to that how exhausted my medication makes me.. I am considering stopping my morning Seroquel to help with  the energy level problem, but should I really be making decisions about my  meds without consulting my doctor? Probably not.

I know that I am struggling. Objectively, I know. I am purging almost daily. I am cutting several times a week. I am choosing not to take all of my Wellbutrin. I am stashing the extra pills. I feel like at any moment I will give in to the desire to drink. I am having thoughts about other bad behaviors, but I haven't acted on them. Still, I convince myself that I am well because nobody else seems concerned about me. I mean.. I haven't told the entire truth, but it is so hard when they don't ask the right questions. I also just don't think they can do anything. There's not much they can offer me besides a bunch of meds and a small amount of therapy. All I really want is to have some time to myself to not have to pretend it's all ok. I am constantly on edge around my parents because I feel like they expect something from me but I don't know  what it is, and I never know when they will start arguing and about what. I mean I finally heard back from a legal aid attorney, and he sent me a questionnaire to fill out about bankruptcy. He said I needed to include my parents income and expenses since I live with them. My parents were annoyed about this and then kept arguing over what my dad listed for the expenses. I just sat there feeling guilty even though they wanted me to do this, and I am only doing what the lawyer asked. I didn't get involved with the argument about what to put down because it's none of my business. So I really just wish I could have some space to relax and rest and not be acting. I am so tired. I don't know how to tell anyone how I am doing because I think I should be doing better. The guilt about the past just makes me feel like I don't have the right to be struggling now.. but this is also the longest I have been out of the hospital for a while.

But that's enough rambling.. I need to get out of my head