These past couple weeks I feel like I'm sinking. It's not an obvious downward spiral like some in the past. This is a lot more subtle and has left me questioning myself as to whether or not it's normal or a valid cause for concern.
I don't really know when it started. I just know that I am much more anxious and bothered by a lot of things that I was handling ok. I am back to being exhausted when I come home from work at 7pm.. like I am yawning on the drive home. Except, work has been unusually slow this week. I went home early on a couple nights and spent time sitting around on others. Most days weren't physically tiring (although yesterday I got smacked in the face by a Goldendoodle and later an Irish wolfhound who were jumping on me). Mentally and emotionally, work has been difficult. I am back to worrying in my head all day about everything.. have I been sitting down too long? do I seem lazy? what time should we do this? is it too early or too late? can I ask someone to do this or tell them something or will that be rude? was I too rude to the dog that's being a total jerk and jumping on me? The other night (please don't judge me for this story) I was just generally having a hard time with the dogs. Dogs that are normally well behaved were being difficult. Like there's these 2 Irish wolfhounds (very large dogs) boarding with us who I adore. Normally (I have done this on multiple occasions) I can put a leash on one and the other will follow me the short distance from the yard to their room. That night one decided to wander off. Well, I put her sister in the room and the other dog I had leashed (I only had 2 leashes). I am calling the other and this special needs girl who works for us was just standing and watching. This was not the first time that day that she had just stood around watching me do things rather than doing her work. She's also not supposed to touch the dogs or go in rooms, but she kept trying to pet them while I had them on leashes which makes them act up. So I said as calmly as I could "Are you picking up bowls?" she nodded (not actually doing anything) "Can you do that and stop watching the dogs?". I felt horrible because I know I said it kind of harshly, but if there was a dog loose in the bag (even one completely harmless like this one) it was not a good idea for her to just stand there. I won't even go into the time I was trying to wrestle a dog (not harmless.. an obnoxious and out of control labrador) into his room and she just stood there and watched. I had to tell her to leave because I didn't want her getting hurt if he got away.
But anyway.. I am just a constant ball of worry at work now. I just anxiously wait for everything to be done and then you would think I would be relieved. No.. then I go home and worry about other things. Recently, it's been christmas shopping. I became obsessed with having a "good" Christmas list to give my parents and brother.. it had to be things that I wanted/needed but weren't too expensive or too weird or would take up too much space in the house. Then I had to pick the perfect gifts for them and spend the right amount of money. I don't like to buy off lists because I want them to think I know them well enough to pick the presents, but then I feel guilty for not buying what they ask for. Then I had everything picked out but didn't want to order them too early because I might later find a better option or they might think I was weird for buying things too soon.. and since I have Prime shipping on amazon this could have carried on until 2 days before Christmas. I finally ordered everything yesterday on my break at work because I needed to stop thinking about it. It was occupying my evenings and then keeping me up at night. I know this anxiety is largely because I wasn't around last Christmas. I went into hospital on Christmas Eve and then into rehab until mid January. I didn't buy anyone presents, but they bought me things that I opened whenever I got home. I wasn't there for any other holiday plans, and i was honestly grateful at the time because the drinking was horrible and so was the suicidal thoughts. Plus, last year I had zero money and was just building credit card debt to buy alcohol. I couldn't afford gifts. This year I am here and have some money, and I feel like I have to make up for last year.
I am just finding everything too much. I am exhausted and anxious and keeping it all inside. Last night my mom mentioned we were going to a restaurant today that is not what I was originally told. I was exhausted from work and trying to read stuff on my phone and I guess I made a face. She asked if I didn't want to go because I made a face. I can't explain that I was already very anxious because I came home from work to see they brought all the Christmas decorations out of storage and so that plus the fact that we would need to go to the grocery store meant that I was already anxious about the almost certain fact that they would be arguing today. That meant my day off would include awkwardly listening to them fight and trying to keep the peace.. plus possibly decorating.. plus grocery shopping which is stressful with them.. and now I was facing going to a new restaurant I had never been to. That meant I needed to look up the menu because I always choose what I am going to get in advance (it's not an ED thing.. just anxiety) and figure out what I would need to wear to a new place. This all just means that my day off isn't a day off. It's an exhausting series of anxiety provoking activities. In my current mental state, my ideal day off would involve watching Netflix in bed and sleeping. Honestly, work days are less anxiety provoking than my days off right now.. and I couldn't think of any polite way to explain all this, so I just said I wasn't upset.
So yes.. things are just hard right now, and I would seriously love a few drinks or at least a day where I don't have to deal with people. I have no idea what to do about any of this. I don't want more medication (at least not unless they could give me benzos). My case worker/counselor is proving to be useless. I did explain a lot of this to her, but she didn't really offer advice or a solution. I have stopped IOP.. partly because I don't want to have to keep lying about my last relapse and my sobriety date and partly because it wasn't helping to sit around and watch the same stupid videos I have seen at least twice. I have started going to another support group, but I am unsure what to think of it. It's more for mental health.. the first week we talked about breathing exercises and emotions but there were 4 of us there and only 2 of us talked. Last week it was about gratitude and we watched a video and then he let us go very early. I ended up sitting outside for like 20 minutes because I didn't want to text my mom to come get me that early and have her criticize or question the group (and in my mind me for choosing this over IOP). I am hoping to have health insurance soon, but I don't know what it will cover in terms of mental health.. so I don't know if anything will improve. I just want the holidays to be over with because it's only going to get worse.
Sunday, December 9, 2018
Thursday, November 15, 2018
The mess that is my life
Sorry I haven't been posting. I actually keep writing posts and deleting them because they don't seem important enough.. or they're just a rambling mess. I think I struggle to post positive things, and I also think my life is very monotonous. For a couple months not much has changed, and the things I am dealing with I am actively avoiding thinking about. I think I will try to organize this by topics.. that might work better.
Eating disorder.. I am actually doing quite well. I don't think I consciously chose recovery. I still don't think I have it in my head that I am recovering or want recovery because I view the eating disorder as a life long problem. I just reached a point when I started working that I didn't have the energy to keep doing it. I would eat a meal and just be too tired to purge. I am busy, so I am not constantly eating. So I haven't binged or purged in at least a month now. It is nice to use that energy for other things. I am actually losing weight from all the walking at work and from eating less (and medication changes), and that's nice. I honestly think my meds lead to a lot of weight gain and so did the stress eating. I don't eat all that unhealthy otherwise.
Alcohol.. I had another relapse this past week when my parents went out of town. I don't feel all that guilty. Part of me wonders if my life is just going to be periods of sobriety with occasional binge drinking because I still don't really want to not drink. As soon as I am left alone, I cannot tolerate it. I don't know what to do with myself. I was amazed I managed to kill a couple hours after they left before going to a meeting and then the liquor store (my excuse if anyone asked why I left the house was that I walked to an AA meeting..). I guess after a couple days though I can see I wouldn't be able to sustain it. I drank 2 bottles of vodka in 3 days, and I was exhausted and nauseous the last day when I had to get up for work. But I am thinking of how to get away with doing it again? I am going to AA, but I am so not at a place where I want anything to do with God. I am not willing to believe that the only solution has to be a spiritual one, and I am scared to discuss that with anyone because my last sponsor said she was OK with this but then still told me to pray. Some days it all feels like a cult, and I am going to keep up appearances and because I need the connection.. but I am not really working any sort of program.
Depression and mental health.. Well, I am seeing a new psychiatrist and a new case worker. The psychiatrist is.. better? Not perfect.. but the first time I met with her I convinced her to lower my seroquel because I was almost too drowsy to function. She did that readily. She asked a bunch of questions.. I think trying to figure out how I ended up on the meds I am on.. asking about mania or anger or anything that would lead to me being on 600mg of Seroquel. I think she saw my point that it was unnecessary, but she might still think I am bipolar or something. The case worker.. I like. I have seen her twice, and she seems very goal oriented. She asks a lot about what goals I want.. and I have explained a lot about how I do set small goals once or twice a week. I have some big problems that if I think about them as a whole, are overwhelming and can lead to impulsive behaviors. I do things a step at a time, and she likes that method. We talked about trying to be more social and independent a future goals, and right now that mostly means not avoiding my coworkers so much. She also is OK with me stopping the aftercare IOP group because I am not getting anything out of it anymore, and I am going to look into another support group they offer that covers all mental health and not just addictions.
Work.. going very well. My supervisor finally asked after a month at least of me being schedule 35 hours a week (considered full time over 30) if I want to be full time or part time. I said full time is good now that I know I can handle it (didn't mention that I also was originally doing part time because I was applying for disability). I have gotten praise from multiple people there on how I am doing, which makes me super uncomfortable but also happy. I like the people.. although I have skipped the last 2 times they planned things outside of work. In my defense, they told me the day of the first thing and the day before the 2nd. I need more notice than that since I don't have a car and also must mentally prepare. I am talking to people more at work instead of just pacing around the back.
Other shit.. I have a consultation Monday with a bankruptcy attorney. That's the issue I have been avoiding and approaching slowly. I am not thinking about what happens after the consultation either if I go through with this or have to find another solution to the debt problems. I continue to reassure myself that the creditors can't take things I don't have. Even if they take my money, I am not actually spending it. It's all just sitting there until I figure out what to do. I definitely need professional advice because I am clueless about these things. I just had to find an attorney that offered payment plans or something because the first lady just said it would be $2500 and to do the debt counselling and call her back. I am not going to go with her. I am not thinking further into the future about things like moving out or anything because I need to deal with the wreckage of the past first.
I was very happy that with this new job, I could buy my brother and my mom birthday presents. I've bought a few clothes for myself and finally splurged on a set to do gel nail polish that was only like $17. Also when my parents were gone, I've taken Lyft to and from work, so I am not 100% relying on them for transportation. I also opened a checking account (that I had to check the balance of today because I haven't used it since I opened it but had my direct deposit go through twice). It's amazing even having that much freedom. I ordered Indian food while my parents were gone from a vegetarian Indian restaurant, and that was pretty cool.
So I am exhausted.. I am still often tired and overwhelmed and counting the hours until bed. Things aren't perfect, and I am afraid it will all come crashing down. I'm still here though.
Eating disorder.. I am actually doing quite well. I don't think I consciously chose recovery. I still don't think I have it in my head that I am recovering or want recovery because I view the eating disorder as a life long problem. I just reached a point when I started working that I didn't have the energy to keep doing it. I would eat a meal and just be too tired to purge. I am busy, so I am not constantly eating. So I haven't binged or purged in at least a month now. It is nice to use that energy for other things. I am actually losing weight from all the walking at work and from eating less (and medication changes), and that's nice. I honestly think my meds lead to a lot of weight gain and so did the stress eating. I don't eat all that unhealthy otherwise.
Alcohol.. I had another relapse this past week when my parents went out of town. I don't feel all that guilty. Part of me wonders if my life is just going to be periods of sobriety with occasional binge drinking because I still don't really want to not drink. As soon as I am left alone, I cannot tolerate it. I don't know what to do with myself. I was amazed I managed to kill a couple hours after they left before going to a meeting and then the liquor store (my excuse if anyone asked why I left the house was that I walked to an AA meeting..). I guess after a couple days though I can see I wouldn't be able to sustain it. I drank 2 bottles of vodka in 3 days, and I was exhausted and nauseous the last day when I had to get up for work. But I am thinking of how to get away with doing it again? I am going to AA, but I am so not at a place where I want anything to do with God. I am not willing to believe that the only solution has to be a spiritual one, and I am scared to discuss that with anyone because my last sponsor said she was OK with this but then still told me to pray. Some days it all feels like a cult, and I am going to keep up appearances and because I need the connection.. but I am not really working any sort of program.
Depression and mental health.. Well, I am seeing a new psychiatrist and a new case worker. The psychiatrist is.. better? Not perfect.. but the first time I met with her I convinced her to lower my seroquel because I was almost too drowsy to function. She did that readily. She asked a bunch of questions.. I think trying to figure out how I ended up on the meds I am on.. asking about mania or anger or anything that would lead to me being on 600mg of Seroquel. I think she saw my point that it was unnecessary, but she might still think I am bipolar or something. The case worker.. I like. I have seen her twice, and she seems very goal oriented. She asks a lot about what goals I want.. and I have explained a lot about how I do set small goals once or twice a week. I have some big problems that if I think about them as a whole, are overwhelming and can lead to impulsive behaviors. I do things a step at a time, and she likes that method. We talked about trying to be more social and independent a future goals, and right now that mostly means not avoiding my coworkers so much. She also is OK with me stopping the aftercare IOP group because I am not getting anything out of it anymore, and I am going to look into another support group they offer that covers all mental health and not just addictions.
Work.. going very well. My supervisor finally asked after a month at least of me being schedule 35 hours a week (considered full time over 30) if I want to be full time or part time. I said full time is good now that I know I can handle it (didn't mention that I also was originally doing part time because I was applying for disability). I have gotten praise from multiple people there on how I am doing, which makes me super uncomfortable but also happy. I like the people.. although I have skipped the last 2 times they planned things outside of work. In my defense, they told me the day of the first thing and the day before the 2nd. I need more notice than that since I don't have a car and also must mentally prepare. I am talking to people more at work instead of just pacing around the back.
Other shit.. I have a consultation Monday with a bankruptcy attorney. That's the issue I have been avoiding and approaching slowly. I am not thinking about what happens after the consultation either if I go through with this or have to find another solution to the debt problems. I continue to reassure myself that the creditors can't take things I don't have. Even if they take my money, I am not actually spending it. It's all just sitting there until I figure out what to do. I definitely need professional advice because I am clueless about these things. I just had to find an attorney that offered payment plans or something because the first lady just said it would be $2500 and to do the debt counselling and call her back. I am not going to go with her. I am not thinking further into the future about things like moving out or anything because I need to deal with the wreckage of the past first.
I was very happy that with this new job, I could buy my brother and my mom birthday presents. I've bought a few clothes for myself and finally splurged on a set to do gel nail polish that was only like $17. Also when my parents were gone, I've taken Lyft to and from work, so I am not 100% relying on them for transportation. I also opened a checking account (that I had to check the balance of today because I haven't used it since I opened it but had my direct deposit go through twice). It's amazing even having that much freedom. I ordered Indian food while my parents were gone from a vegetarian Indian restaurant, and that was pretty cool.
So I am exhausted.. I am still often tired and overwhelmed and counting the hours until bed. Things aren't perfect, and I am afraid it will all come crashing down. I'm still here though.
Sunday, October 7, 2018
An update and a rant (the usual)
I am not really sure when or what I posted the last time, so I am just going to do a general update if anyone is interested. Then if my exhausted brain is still working well enough, I will ramble a bit about some alcohol/recovery related stuff.
I started to type that things are going well, but I don't know if that is really accurate. Things still feel very shaky. I am doing well in many ways, but I feel like mentally it would take very little to change that. Like if anything stressful happens or even if I get too tired, I still have the crazy thinking that could lead to something stupid. It's just pretty quiet right now because of the energy that it takes for me to function on a daily basis. I have in my head this vague understanding of the routine that I maintain to keep me sane and functioning. Like I don't think normal people function this way. I have for months now been sleeping to 9:30-9:40 every morning. Anything later than that seems like it's too late and that isn't socially acceptable.. or basically I feel like if i sleep any later then my parents will either think I am lazy or suspect that I am drinking. I can wake up earlier but really not for more than a couple days before I start to feel more tired and more irritated and also just anxious over the thought that I am sleeping less. I go to bed every night between 11 and 11:30. Anything before 11 is not acceptable and may seem suspicious. I slept all the time when I drank and I had periods of depression where I went to bed earlier just as an excuse to escape from my family. I then watch an episode of Greys Anatomy in bed after taking my meds, feeding the cats, and brushing my teeth etc. I browse certain websites/forums and check instagram. This hour or so of time in bed is MY time because I get to be alone and do the things I actually want to do. I have nights where my body is sore and exhausted and I pretty much fall into bed. This still means I sleep 9 hours a night most of the times, and I have been thinking for the past couple weeks that I shouldn't be exhausted if I go a night or two on less sleep. A few days I have had to get up at 5am to go to work at 6, and it leaves me so tired I could cry by the early evening. I finally came to the conclusion that I am a person with severe depression, and I simply need more sleep than some people. I also can't really make up for lost sleep on other days because sleeping late is not acceptable and also because I like to have a certain amount of time to get ready in the morning. Getting ready isn't just showering and eating breakfast.. I have to go on my computer and check certain sites and I have to watch TV and just it all has to happen in a certain way to avoid stress.
But yeah.. work is screwing with this because the manager I think is either not aware that I discussed being part time with the supervisor that interviewed me.. or just doesn't care. I have been working 35 hours a week when he does the schedule including working at 6am Friday, then noon-9PM yesterday, and 6am again today.. and last night was fucking crazy. It's this whole passive aggressive mess between the back of house supervisor and this girl that was hired a couple weeks after me. Basically.. no one really has been telling her what she needs to be doing differently/better. They just keep complaining about it to me and each other when she's not there. I can clearly see that the primary issue is that this new girl gets overwhelmed really easily and then panics and can't get stuff done. She was never really told she had to be independent (like I was) so she always comes to ask what to do.. but sometimes they just avoid her and are surprised that she doesn't do the right things. I have been uncomfortable from the beginning that they left me to help train her when I was new and now I am not comfortable being the one correcting her and telling her what she needs to do differently. Like I try to calm her down when she's panicked (because maybe she can't find a dog's food on the dinner cart) and comes to me and says she can't find it. I would just go to the kitchen and look but she has to be told that and then explain to me why she's confused about it. Sometimes I will flat out correct her if it's something with serious consequences.. and sometimes I just can't because I am exhausted and SUPER ANXIOUS in my own head and will snap. Like I told her 3 times last night where 2 dogs rooms were. I mean I see the problem because I am/was just as anxious and would get lost taking dogs back and worry about things that weren't right.. but I keep it to my damn self and only ask questions when I can't figure it out. But yeah.. so last night the supervisor and I did a LOT of work while she did relatively little.. and the supervisor was really pissed off and I was just exhausted and thinking that I had to be up at 5 today. Being exhausted leads to a lot of impulsive thoughts.. like swallowing bottles of pills.. and I'm too tired at time to fight them rationally, so I just have to stay busy until I can sleep.
One thing about this job is that it has helped the ED situation. Honestly, I am just too tired to purge anymore. I am probably eating less because of working and not being so bored. I have gone from walking 3-4,000 steps a day to 10-20,000 on days I work.. so I am ok with it. The depression is not awful. It's there, and the anxiety is there. I am dealing with looking for a bankruptcy attorney again (at my parents pressure) because legal aid wouldn't help me. I also have the financial issue and lawsuit over the one credit card bill. I am trying just not to give a fuck because 1. I have no defense.. I owe the money 2. I have no property they can take and 3. I have almost no money.. and the only thing that could fix it is the bankruptcy. I am just choosing not to think about it.. I am wondering at what point I should figure out what to do with my money. I don't know if I should be giving it to my parents, paying smaller bills, saving it, or what. I have only spent a little.. basically bought another pair or work shoes and pants, my mom's birthday present, and that's pretty much it.
On the topic of alcoholism.. I have no fucking clue. I have been sober since August. I haven't contacted my AA sponsor in weeks. I am really struggling with the whole idea of AA. There is a line in the book that says "To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face" that sums it up. I am fine with believing alcoholism is a mental and physical illness, but I am not buying into the only solution being spiritual at this point. I feel like people (mainly my sponsor and my IOP therapist) say it's fine for my higher power not to be god, but then after a while start wanting me to talk about god. This is partially my own fault for clarifying that I do/did believe in a creator, so they think it's ok to talk about. My therapist wanted me to write assignments as if I believed. My sponsor wanted me to actually talk to god. I said repeatedly that I don't believe in a god that I can have a relationship with, and that God and I are not on speaking terms. She would say that's fine, and then tell me to ask God everyday to remove my desire to drink and to keep saying my 3rd step prayer everyday. If I say I am not speaking to God, I am not speaking to god. That includes just saying words out loud as if I was talking to him... words mean something. Saying that stuff out loud is like saying I am read to actually try to have that relationship again.. and I have tried. This whole God thing has been complicated since I was a child, so this isn't something that just happened during my drinking. So now I go to AA meetings and sit there feeling distant and not a part of. **absolutely no offense meant to anyone this is just my feelings** It feels a little like a cult. It feels impossible that these people all found a higher power and have these great relationships with him or her or whatever. It also feels like if I am not able to accept that solution, I am screwed. So I don't know what to do. I am not drinking, but I am fantasizing about that next opportunity. If there isn't a solution for me, then part of me wonders why I should bother. I can either risk having an occasional drinking binge with periods of abstinence in between, or I can risk the drinking binges leading to death because I am honestly not so well as to not see that as an appealing option. I accept feedback on this by the way, but NOT if it's to tell me to pray or build a relationship with God. It might happen, but it's not going to be now. Now I am just working on survival and spiritual life is not my concern.
Honestly right now I am just trying to hold out those last 10 minutes until I can go to bed.
I started to type that things are going well, but I don't know if that is really accurate. Things still feel very shaky. I am doing well in many ways, but I feel like mentally it would take very little to change that. Like if anything stressful happens or even if I get too tired, I still have the crazy thinking that could lead to something stupid. It's just pretty quiet right now because of the energy that it takes for me to function on a daily basis. I have in my head this vague understanding of the routine that I maintain to keep me sane and functioning. Like I don't think normal people function this way. I have for months now been sleeping to 9:30-9:40 every morning. Anything later than that seems like it's too late and that isn't socially acceptable.. or basically I feel like if i sleep any later then my parents will either think I am lazy or suspect that I am drinking. I can wake up earlier but really not for more than a couple days before I start to feel more tired and more irritated and also just anxious over the thought that I am sleeping less. I go to bed every night between 11 and 11:30. Anything before 11 is not acceptable and may seem suspicious. I slept all the time when I drank and I had periods of depression where I went to bed earlier just as an excuse to escape from my family. I then watch an episode of Greys Anatomy in bed after taking my meds, feeding the cats, and brushing my teeth etc. I browse certain websites/forums and check instagram. This hour or so of time in bed is MY time because I get to be alone and do the things I actually want to do. I have nights where my body is sore and exhausted and I pretty much fall into bed. This still means I sleep 9 hours a night most of the times, and I have been thinking for the past couple weeks that I shouldn't be exhausted if I go a night or two on less sleep. A few days I have had to get up at 5am to go to work at 6, and it leaves me so tired I could cry by the early evening. I finally came to the conclusion that I am a person with severe depression, and I simply need more sleep than some people. I also can't really make up for lost sleep on other days because sleeping late is not acceptable and also because I like to have a certain amount of time to get ready in the morning. Getting ready isn't just showering and eating breakfast.. I have to go on my computer and check certain sites and I have to watch TV and just it all has to happen in a certain way to avoid stress.
But yeah.. work is screwing with this because the manager I think is either not aware that I discussed being part time with the supervisor that interviewed me.. or just doesn't care. I have been working 35 hours a week when he does the schedule including working at 6am Friday, then noon-9PM yesterday, and 6am again today.. and last night was fucking crazy. It's this whole passive aggressive mess between the back of house supervisor and this girl that was hired a couple weeks after me. Basically.. no one really has been telling her what she needs to be doing differently/better. They just keep complaining about it to me and each other when she's not there. I can clearly see that the primary issue is that this new girl gets overwhelmed really easily and then panics and can't get stuff done. She was never really told she had to be independent (like I was) so she always comes to ask what to do.. but sometimes they just avoid her and are surprised that she doesn't do the right things. I have been uncomfortable from the beginning that they left me to help train her when I was new and now I am not comfortable being the one correcting her and telling her what she needs to do differently. Like I try to calm her down when she's panicked (because maybe she can't find a dog's food on the dinner cart) and comes to me and says she can't find it. I would just go to the kitchen and look but she has to be told that and then explain to me why she's confused about it. Sometimes I will flat out correct her if it's something with serious consequences.. and sometimes I just can't because I am exhausted and SUPER ANXIOUS in my own head and will snap. Like I told her 3 times last night where 2 dogs rooms were. I mean I see the problem because I am/was just as anxious and would get lost taking dogs back and worry about things that weren't right.. but I keep it to my damn self and only ask questions when I can't figure it out. But yeah.. so last night the supervisor and I did a LOT of work while she did relatively little.. and the supervisor was really pissed off and I was just exhausted and thinking that I had to be up at 5 today. Being exhausted leads to a lot of impulsive thoughts.. like swallowing bottles of pills.. and I'm too tired at time to fight them rationally, so I just have to stay busy until I can sleep.
One thing about this job is that it has helped the ED situation. Honestly, I am just too tired to purge anymore. I am probably eating less because of working and not being so bored. I have gone from walking 3-4,000 steps a day to 10-20,000 on days I work.. so I am ok with it. The depression is not awful. It's there, and the anxiety is there. I am dealing with looking for a bankruptcy attorney again (at my parents pressure) because legal aid wouldn't help me. I also have the financial issue and lawsuit over the one credit card bill. I am trying just not to give a fuck because 1. I have no defense.. I owe the money 2. I have no property they can take and 3. I have almost no money.. and the only thing that could fix it is the bankruptcy. I am just choosing not to think about it.. I am wondering at what point I should figure out what to do with my money. I don't know if I should be giving it to my parents, paying smaller bills, saving it, or what. I have only spent a little.. basically bought another pair or work shoes and pants, my mom's birthday present, and that's pretty much it.
On the topic of alcoholism.. I have no fucking clue. I have been sober since August. I haven't contacted my AA sponsor in weeks. I am really struggling with the whole idea of AA. There is a line in the book that says "To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face" that sums it up. I am fine with believing alcoholism is a mental and physical illness, but I am not buying into the only solution being spiritual at this point. I feel like people (mainly my sponsor and my IOP therapist) say it's fine for my higher power not to be god, but then after a while start wanting me to talk about god. This is partially my own fault for clarifying that I do/did believe in a creator, so they think it's ok to talk about. My therapist wanted me to write assignments as if I believed. My sponsor wanted me to actually talk to god. I said repeatedly that I don't believe in a god that I can have a relationship with, and that God and I are not on speaking terms. She would say that's fine, and then tell me to ask God everyday to remove my desire to drink and to keep saying my 3rd step prayer everyday. If I say I am not speaking to God, I am not speaking to god. That includes just saying words out loud as if I was talking to him... words mean something. Saying that stuff out loud is like saying I am read to actually try to have that relationship again.. and I have tried. This whole God thing has been complicated since I was a child, so this isn't something that just happened during my drinking. So now I go to AA meetings and sit there feeling distant and not a part of. **absolutely no offense meant to anyone this is just my feelings** It feels a little like a cult. It feels impossible that these people all found a higher power and have these great relationships with him or her or whatever. It also feels like if I am not able to accept that solution, I am screwed. So I don't know what to do. I am not drinking, but I am fantasizing about that next opportunity. If there isn't a solution for me, then part of me wonders why I should bother. I can either risk having an occasional drinking binge with periods of abstinence in between, or I can risk the drinking binges leading to death because I am honestly not so well as to not see that as an appealing option. I accept feedback on this by the way, but NOT if it's to tell me to pray or build a relationship with God. It might happen, but it's not going to be now. Now I am just working on survival and spiritual life is not my concern.
Honestly right now I am just trying to hold out those last 10 minutes until I can go to bed.
Wednesday, September 19, 2018
Celebrating another year?
I don't exactly know what to say about how I am doing. The best I can try to explain it is that I have a very precarious grip on things. Everything appears fine from the outside, but I am aware of how easily it could all go to hell in a moment.
The biggest thing that's causing this is that my birthday is in a few days. If you go back far enough in this blog, you will see that on my birthday last year I was released from the hospital after a suicide attempt. It was not the only suicide attempt of 2017, and I'm not even sure if it was the last. There were a few experiments with methods that I wouldn't count as attempts (but that all the professionals counted as attempts). There were a few more overdoses, but the one last September was the only one I got caught for and ended up in a medical hospital and then in psych. My memory is really unclear about that time last year. I went to rehab in August after reaching a really low place with the drinking. I came home and about a week later I know I bought vodka. I was in an IOP program but insurance didn't want to keep paying. The night of the attempt I went to an AA meeting and no one else showed up. I overdosed on some meds I had.. then the next day started shaking and having trouble walking at IOP (on the day I was to be discharged) and ended up being taken to the ER. I ended up doing ECT again after I was sent to psych, which is probably why my memory is blurry. Anyway, my brain keeps trying to remember details of last year and trying to piece it together. I try not to do that because it is easy to get sucked in to all the awful stuff that happened last year, and it leaves me feeling worthless and hopeless.
I was originally planning to ask not to celebrate my birthday because I didn't expect to have a job, and my brother's birthday is 4 days after mine. I didn't want to get presents if I couldn't buy him a present. Last year I think maybe I bought him a birthday present, but by Christmas I was broke and didn't buy anyone anything. Well, I got this job and couldn't convince myself to ask them not to do anything for my birthday because I didn't want to explain that thinking about my birthday and last year has me very depressed. So I am planning to just fake happy and go to dinner and accept presents. I hate knowing I will be 32 and living with my parents and dependent on them.
Well let's add to that part of things. I got a response about my disability application appeal. Basically, they decided my present symptoms are not enough to be considered disabling. I know that I am working now, so that may be correct. It said to contact them again if things get worse. I am pretty much always aware and planning for if things get worse. I am already wondering how to explain to my new bosses about my problems if it comes up. Like if they want to know why I asked to be part time or asked for a certain day off. I can lie. I just would rather not lie. I am debating now if I should be trying to go full time since I won't be getting disability, but I am already so exhausted and anxious and sinking into depression at times. I am trying to reassure myself that it is ok to return to normal functioning slowly. As low as I got (never getting out of bed, never sober, avoiding people, ECT, medication, hospitalizations, etc), it is normal to not want to try too much too quickly. Still, the response made me question whether or not I really have a problem and if I really should be able to do so much more than this. I am fighting the urge to sabotage things in all sorts of ways.
I am just so tired. It isn't the kind of tired that sleeping will completely fix, and when I am tired it is so much easier to do really stupid things. I am fighting those urges all the time. I haven't really had the energy for bulimia or self harm, and that's the only thing stopping those behaviors. I come home from work (7 hours on my feet with maybe 10 minutes sitting down) exhausted and sore, and I eat dinner and sit around waiting until it's time to shower and sleep. If I lived alone, I might just go to bed right away. I would love to drink. I just haven't had an opportunity to get to the liquor store because my parents have been home pretty much any time that I am. I know in my heart I will drink again when I have the chance.
I am struggling with sobriety. I am not calling my sponsor. I am going to meetings but not everyday because of work. I am questioning the program and its requirement of a belief in a higher power. Yes, they say it doesn't have to be God, but there is a definite pressure to make it god. My sponsor might say that she is fine with me using the group or whatever as my higher power, but then she tells me to ask God to remove the desire to drink or asks me to say prayers that have the word God in them. For a while, I didn't doubt my belief in a creator. I just wasn't on speaking terms with Him. I don't believe in a God that I can have a personal relationship with or that I can ask for things and be heard. I don't know if I believe in a benevolent creator. I explained this but the pressure from my sponsor was clearly to begin speaking to God and not supportive of my attempt to work the program without that relationship. Does that make any sense? I have talked about it with other people, so I know it isn't just me that feels the pressure to believe differently even if the program at its core doesn't say that we have to. Well actually, the chapter "We agnostics" that everyone cites as showing that agnostics can find sobriety too tells the story of an agnostic who suddenly begins to believe in God and falls to his knees and prays. I am very fearful of being forced back into a relationship with a God that I believed in and who created me with this depression and emptiness and all of my problems.
So between the memories of last year and my struggling to function and work and my struggles with AA, I feel like anything wrong that happens could drive me over the edge. I have pressure from my parents to do little things like open a bank account that scares me because I still have no idea how to rebuild my life. I don't know how I will ever fix my financial situation. I don't know how to go from this to independence. I have no guidance for all that. I have very little professional support and basically no guidance on practical matters. I will stop rambling now. I am exhausted and had a hellish day at work. I should just go to bed.
The biggest thing that's causing this is that my birthday is in a few days. If you go back far enough in this blog, you will see that on my birthday last year I was released from the hospital after a suicide attempt. It was not the only suicide attempt of 2017, and I'm not even sure if it was the last. There were a few experiments with methods that I wouldn't count as attempts (but that all the professionals counted as attempts). There were a few more overdoses, but the one last September was the only one I got caught for and ended up in a medical hospital and then in psych. My memory is really unclear about that time last year. I went to rehab in August after reaching a really low place with the drinking. I came home and about a week later I know I bought vodka. I was in an IOP program but insurance didn't want to keep paying. The night of the attempt I went to an AA meeting and no one else showed up. I overdosed on some meds I had.. then the next day started shaking and having trouble walking at IOP (on the day I was to be discharged) and ended up being taken to the ER. I ended up doing ECT again after I was sent to psych, which is probably why my memory is blurry. Anyway, my brain keeps trying to remember details of last year and trying to piece it together. I try not to do that because it is easy to get sucked in to all the awful stuff that happened last year, and it leaves me feeling worthless and hopeless.
I was originally planning to ask not to celebrate my birthday because I didn't expect to have a job, and my brother's birthday is 4 days after mine. I didn't want to get presents if I couldn't buy him a present. Last year I think maybe I bought him a birthday present, but by Christmas I was broke and didn't buy anyone anything. Well, I got this job and couldn't convince myself to ask them not to do anything for my birthday because I didn't want to explain that thinking about my birthday and last year has me very depressed. So I am planning to just fake happy and go to dinner and accept presents. I hate knowing I will be 32 and living with my parents and dependent on them.
Well let's add to that part of things. I got a response about my disability application appeal. Basically, they decided my present symptoms are not enough to be considered disabling. I know that I am working now, so that may be correct. It said to contact them again if things get worse. I am pretty much always aware and planning for if things get worse. I am already wondering how to explain to my new bosses about my problems if it comes up. Like if they want to know why I asked to be part time or asked for a certain day off. I can lie. I just would rather not lie. I am debating now if I should be trying to go full time since I won't be getting disability, but I am already so exhausted and anxious and sinking into depression at times. I am trying to reassure myself that it is ok to return to normal functioning slowly. As low as I got (never getting out of bed, never sober, avoiding people, ECT, medication, hospitalizations, etc), it is normal to not want to try too much too quickly. Still, the response made me question whether or not I really have a problem and if I really should be able to do so much more than this. I am fighting the urge to sabotage things in all sorts of ways.
I am just so tired. It isn't the kind of tired that sleeping will completely fix, and when I am tired it is so much easier to do really stupid things. I am fighting those urges all the time. I haven't really had the energy for bulimia or self harm, and that's the only thing stopping those behaviors. I come home from work (7 hours on my feet with maybe 10 minutes sitting down) exhausted and sore, and I eat dinner and sit around waiting until it's time to shower and sleep. If I lived alone, I might just go to bed right away. I would love to drink. I just haven't had an opportunity to get to the liquor store because my parents have been home pretty much any time that I am. I know in my heart I will drink again when I have the chance.
I am struggling with sobriety. I am not calling my sponsor. I am going to meetings but not everyday because of work. I am questioning the program and its requirement of a belief in a higher power. Yes, they say it doesn't have to be God, but there is a definite pressure to make it god. My sponsor might say that she is fine with me using the group or whatever as my higher power, but then she tells me to ask God to remove the desire to drink or asks me to say prayers that have the word God in them. For a while, I didn't doubt my belief in a creator. I just wasn't on speaking terms with Him. I don't believe in a God that I can have a personal relationship with or that I can ask for things and be heard. I don't know if I believe in a benevolent creator. I explained this but the pressure from my sponsor was clearly to begin speaking to God and not supportive of my attempt to work the program without that relationship. Does that make any sense? I have talked about it with other people, so I know it isn't just me that feels the pressure to believe differently even if the program at its core doesn't say that we have to. Well actually, the chapter "We agnostics" that everyone cites as showing that agnostics can find sobriety too tells the story of an agnostic who suddenly begins to believe in God and falls to his knees and prays. I am very fearful of being forced back into a relationship with a God that I believed in and who created me with this depression and emptiness and all of my problems.
So between the memories of last year and my struggling to function and work and my struggles with AA, I feel like anything wrong that happens could drive me over the edge. I have pressure from my parents to do little things like open a bank account that scares me because I still have no idea how to rebuild my life. I don't know how I will ever fix my financial situation. I don't know how to go from this to independence. I have no guidance for all that. I have very little professional support and basically no guidance on practical matters. I will stop rambling now. I am exhausted and had a hellish day at work. I should just go to bed.
Thursday, September 6, 2018
Day one
I have had an exhausting week.. or weeks. I am just struggling with having the energy for it all. I saw my psychiatrist on Wednesday and I wanted to beat his head against a wall. I really cannot stand the man. Before I saw him, I saw a different case worker. She asked questions about how I was doing with the meds and just how I was doing in general. I was able to explain to her how the meds are making me feel so drowsy and exhausted and it's hard to function. She also looked at them and saw that it doesn't really make sense to be on all this given my diagnosis. Then I go see the doctor, and it was beyond frustrating. I said I was really tired. He asked about the depression, and I said it's still a problem. He started talking about increasing something. He asked if I have ever had an eating disorder or seizure disorder because I take Wellbutrin. I told him (NOT for the first time) that I have an eating disorder. He started saying how that is dangerous with Wellbutrin. I tried to say (trying not to snap at him) that I have taken it the majority of the past 11 years, and I have never had a seizure. I am not worried about it. He offered to increase my Lexapro, and I said maybe he could reduce the Seroquel. He started suggesting I just take 200mg in the morning and 400mg at night, so it's the same combined dose. This is where I started losing my patience. I said that I would like to reduce the dose. 600mg is too much. I have never been psychotic. He said it is also used for bipolar (I interrupted and said that I am NOT bipolar and have never been manic) and anxiety. He pulls out his phone and shows me what it's prescribed for and points out generalized anxiety disorder, treatment resistant. I point out that it doesn't suggest 600mg for that. The site said like 50-150mg for anxiety. He finally lowers it to 200mg in the morning and 200mg at night, and I give up because that's something at least. I see another doctor next month. I seriously almost lost it because he doesn't listen and it doesn't make sense to be on that high a dose.. or probably to be on the Lithium. Oh and then he wants to weigh me and is surprised I ask to weigh backwards. I had just reminded him that I was bulimic, and I had mentioned that most of my recent weight gain was after the Seroquel was increased from 200mg daily to 600mg and after the lithium was added. So how can he criticize my weight but refuse to take me off of any meds?
Then after that I had to go shopping for pants for work. Thankfully I was tired enough not to get really upset over it. I found a pair that fit nicely (actually kept having to pull them up today.. oops) and a new bra because one of mine died.
My big accomplishment this morning was to finally tell my mom that I am out of my levothyroxine and need to see a doctor for it. I lied about how long I have been out because I'm embarrassed that I was too embarrassed to ask her to take me somewhere to see someone. She ended up giving me some of her pills to at least make up for not having my own for a few days. I explained the options of where to go to get it, so I just have to find a day I am off work to go.
Then I went to work 12-4 today. I watched a couple training videos then pretty much followed people around. I helped get dogs for play groups. I was a little confused during this and just got the dogs I was told without being able to stop and read their notes to understand who goes to big dogs group, small dogs, etc. Then we filled water bowls. I got to pet lots of dogs. I also got to play with some of the ones that get individual play time. I helped with cleaning a couple cages. Then I spent some time out front learning where paperwork goes up there and being told various rules about handling the dogs in different situations. Then I helped with feeding dinner. I did mix up the food I was supposed to give to one dog with another because I had trouble hearing and was just stupid, but the person didn't act like it was a big deal. That was pretty much it. I work tomorrow and Saturday from 12-7. The supervisor started talking about me doing 12-7 all next week, and I kind of reminded her we had talked about me being part time. Basically I was already so tired I could cry after 4 hours, I knew that working 35 hours next week would end badly. I also almost snapped at my dad because I was talking about dinner tomorrow and if we would eat after I got home. He said "well, I know you will want to go to the 8pm meeting" and I honestly can't remember my response. What I want to say is that I know I will be exhausted, and I think it is reasonable to not make 7 meetings a week if I am working. If it comes down to being able to eat dinner or making the meeting, I would like to eat dinner. Not eating until 9 pm just sounds like torture. I didn't say all that because I knew I couldn't say it calmly, and I know they have no real sense of how tired I am. I will consider later what to say about it. I mean.. I think making 5 meetings a week or so is plenty.
So I will probably go to bed early tonight. It's been a long week
Then after that I had to go shopping for pants for work. Thankfully I was tired enough not to get really upset over it. I found a pair that fit nicely (actually kept having to pull them up today.. oops) and a new bra because one of mine died.
My big accomplishment this morning was to finally tell my mom that I am out of my levothyroxine and need to see a doctor for it. I lied about how long I have been out because I'm embarrassed that I was too embarrassed to ask her to take me somewhere to see someone. She ended up giving me some of her pills to at least make up for not having my own for a few days. I explained the options of where to go to get it, so I just have to find a day I am off work to go.
Then I went to work 12-4 today. I watched a couple training videos then pretty much followed people around. I helped get dogs for play groups. I was a little confused during this and just got the dogs I was told without being able to stop and read their notes to understand who goes to big dogs group, small dogs, etc. Then we filled water bowls. I got to pet lots of dogs. I also got to play with some of the ones that get individual play time. I helped with cleaning a couple cages. Then I spent some time out front learning where paperwork goes up there and being told various rules about handling the dogs in different situations. Then I helped with feeding dinner. I did mix up the food I was supposed to give to one dog with another because I had trouble hearing and was just stupid, but the person didn't act like it was a big deal. That was pretty much it. I work tomorrow and Saturday from 12-7. The supervisor started talking about me doing 12-7 all next week, and I kind of reminded her we had talked about me being part time. Basically I was already so tired I could cry after 4 hours, I knew that working 35 hours next week would end badly. I also almost snapped at my dad because I was talking about dinner tomorrow and if we would eat after I got home. He said "well, I know you will want to go to the 8pm meeting" and I honestly can't remember my response. What I want to say is that I know I will be exhausted, and I think it is reasonable to not make 7 meetings a week if I am working. If it comes down to being able to eat dinner or making the meeting, I would like to eat dinner. Not eating until 9 pm just sounds like torture. I didn't say all that because I knew I couldn't say it calmly, and I know they have no real sense of how tired I am. I will consider later what to say about it. I mean.. I think making 5 meetings a week or so is plenty.
So I will probably go to bed early tonight. It's been a long week
Tuesday, August 28, 2018
Good news or bad news
I am still feeling kind of lost with regards to my mental health, so this is probably going to be all over the place. I apologize for that.
The news I have is that I may have a job. I say may have because I had the interview and was offered the job, but I am waiting on some email from HR that's the next step in the process. I don't want to actually say I have the job until I actually finish the hiring process and start because in my pessimistic mind, it could still all go wrong. I mean.. twice during my drinking I was offered jobs that I never started. One I backed out of because I was irrationally afraid of working in a restaurant, and the second I ended up inpatient the day I should have started and just never called the store about it. This job is the first interview I have gone on in at least 6 months, and it was a very strange experience. I put in an application at a pet boarding/daycare place that my parents have used. I got a call within a couple hours asking me to set up an interview for the next day. It happened fast enough that I didn't have time to truly second guess it. Actually, I made a conscious effort before the interview to not think about what would happen later. My mind could certainly come up with a million reasons this was a terrible idea, but I chose not to think anything good or bad. I didn't want my hopes up either because I have been unemployed over a year, and I don't really have work experience with animals. I have volunteered in high school in a vet clinic, and I have done petsitting for a few friends. Otherwise, my experience just comes from having dogs and cats and having friends with dogs and cats. The interview was really easy. She didn't even really ask about my past jobs except the usual question about what employers would say my good qualities are. She said I could either work out front (with the people) or in back with the animals. I said I am open to both, but I probably would prefer the dogs at this point. She showed me around, and I hope that I made a good impression because the groomer had her 3 dogs in one room and I stopped to pet them. One jumped up and licked my face, and I kind of tried to get him to stop jumping (we had a dog who did that) but greeted the dogs and pet them. I got to see the dogs in back and where they let the dogs play. There was one cat that I stopped to pet. In the end she told me what to expect next in the hiring process, and I was surprised because I was expecting to have to wait to find out if I got it. I asked a bit about dress code and that was it. Now I'm just waiting for the email.. it was supposed to take 2-3 days and I did the interview Thursday. If I don't get it tomorrow, I will give her a call.
I am very anxious. I am not exactly doing well these days.. I mean I am screwing around with my meds a bit. I am having more suicidal thoughts (probably because next month will be a year since my last attempt). I am struggling with self harm and the bulimia. But I am going to be waiting forever if i wait until I am well to look for work. This is a good opportunity because I get to work more with animals than with people, and I like animals more than people on most days. I don't know if my parents are going to be happy about driving me. My dad has said that they will drive me, but I don't know if they will actually be happy to do it or act like it's a burden. I can take public transportation probably, but I need to have some money to pay for that. Right now I have a little cash but no debit/credit card or checking account. I am considering asking my parents for a bike for by birthday next month, so I could ride to work (it's less than 3 miles). The fear with that or public transportation is that increased independence means increased chances to get alcohol. I am already trying to figure out what to do with the money when I start getting paid.. do I pay my parents back for everything they've done? do I try to pay some medical bills? how will this affect filing for bankruptcy? I still definitely won't be making enough to pay all the bills I have.. I mean working part time at $9 an hour is not enough to pay back almost $30k in bills. I also don't know if I will be able to get benefits (the person who interviewed me didn't know how many hours I need for that). Plus, I get my meds for free right now because of my income and the place I go, but if I have insurance I will have to go elsewhere.. and then I will probably have to pay copays, and that could honestly take a lot of my income.
So see how a good thing can easily become a bad thing? I can think endlessly about it, so I am trying just not to. I am just waiting for the email. Then I will do whatever the next step is. I am not thinking too far ahead because I can sabotage this so easily.
I see my psychiatrist next week. I am planning to tell him that I need to be taken off of some meds. I am planning to say that he has no right to comment on my weight because 1. I know I am overweight and it's bad for my health 2. I am bulimic and that's pretty bad for my health and 3. I am on a very high dose of Seroquel and at least one other medication that can cause weight gain. I am mostly wanting to have the seroquel reduced or eliminated because I am always exhausted. I also just don't think I need to be on so many medications that don't make sense for my diagnosis. Then next month I am seeing a new psychiatrist because my case worker really disliked some comments the doctor made regarding my weight and eating despite having been told I have an eating disorder. I'm also on 2 antidepressants, an antipsychotic, an anti anxiety med, and a mood stabilizer... which is an awful lot and doesn't exactly make sense if I am diagnosed with depression. But I can't see the new person until October and I cannot be this tired all the time for another month.
So that is my rant and update. I will write again soon and let you know how things are progressing.
The news I have is that I may have a job. I say may have because I had the interview and was offered the job, but I am waiting on some email from HR that's the next step in the process. I don't want to actually say I have the job until I actually finish the hiring process and start because in my pessimistic mind, it could still all go wrong. I mean.. twice during my drinking I was offered jobs that I never started. One I backed out of because I was irrationally afraid of working in a restaurant, and the second I ended up inpatient the day I should have started and just never called the store about it. This job is the first interview I have gone on in at least 6 months, and it was a very strange experience. I put in an application at a pet boarding/daycare place that my parents have used. I got a call within a couple hours asking me to set up an interview for the next day. It happened fast enough that I didn't have time to truly second guess it. Actually, I made a conscious effort before the interview to not think about what would happen later. My mind could certainly come up with a million reasons this was a terrible idea, but I chose not to think anything good or bad. I didn't want my hopes up either because I have been unemployed over a year, and I don't really have work experience with animals. I have volunteered in high school in a vet clinic, and I have done petsitting for a few friends. Otherwise, my experience just comes from having dogs and cats and having friends with dogs and cats. The interview was really easy. She didn't even really ask about my past jobs except the usual question about what employers would say my good qualities are. She said I could either work out front (with the people) or in back with the animals. I said I am open to both, but I probably would prefer the dogs at this point. She showed me around, and I hope that I made a good impression because the groomer had her 3 dogs in one room and I stopped to pet them. One jumped up and licked my face, and I kind of tried to get him to stop jumping (we had a dog who did that) but greeted the dogs and pet them. I got to see the dogs in back and where they let the dogs play. There was one cat that I stopped to pet. In the end she told me what to expect next in the hiring process, and I was surprised because I was expecting to have to wait to find out if I got it. I asked a bit about dress code and that was it. Now I'm just waiting for the email.. it was supposed to take 2-3 days and I did the interview Thursday. If I don't get it tomorrow, I will give her a call.
I am very anxious. I am not exactly doing well these days.. I mean I am screwing around with my meds a bit. I am having more suicidal thoughts (probably because next month will be a year since my last attempt). I am struggling with self harm and the bulimia. But I am going to be waiting forever if i wait until I am well to look for work. This is a good opportunity because I get to work more with animals than with people, and I like animals more than people on most days. I don't know if my parents are going to be happy about driving me. My dad has said that they will drive me, but I don't know if they will actually be happy to do it or act like it's a burden. I can take public transportation probably, but I need to have some money to pay for that. Right now I have a little cash but no debit/credit card or checking account. I am considering asking my parents for a bike for by birthday next month, so I could ride to work (it's less than 3 miles). The fear with that or public transportation is that increased independence means increased chances to get alcohol. I am already trying to figure out what to do with the money when I start getting paid.. do I pay my parents back for everything they've done? do I try to pay some medical bills? how will this affect filing for bankruptcy? I still definitely won't be making enough to pay all the bills I have.. I mean working part time at $9 an hour is not enough to pay back almost $30k in bills. I also don't know if I will be able to get benefits (the person who interviewed me didn't know how many hours I need for that). Plus, I get my meds for free right now because of my income and the place I go, but if I have insurance I will have to go elsewhere.. and then I will probably have to pay copays, and that could honestly take a lot of my income.
So see how a good thing can easily become a bad thing? I can think endlessly about it, so I am trying just not to. I am just waiting for the email. Then I will do whatever the next step is. I am not thinking too far ahead because I can sabotage this so easily.
I see my psychiatrist next week. I am planning to tell him that I need to be taken off of some meds. I am planning to say that he has no right to comment on my weight because 1. I know I am overweight and it's bad for my health 2. I am bulimic and that's pretty bad for my health and 3. I am on a very high dose of Seroquel and at least one other medication that can cause weight gain. I am mostly wanting to have the seroquel reduced or eliminated because I am always exhausted. I also just don't think I need to be on so many medications that don't make sense for my diagnosis. Then next month I am seeing a new psychiatrist because my case worker really disliked some comments the doctor made regarding my weight and eating despite having been told I have an eating disorder. I'm also on 2 antidepressants, an antipsychotic, an anti anxiety med, and a mood stabilizer... which is an awful lot and doesn't exactly make sense if I am diagnosed with depression. But I can't see the new person until October and I cannot be this tired all the time for another month.
So that is my rant and update. I will write again soon and let you know how things are progressing.
Thursday, August 16, 2018
Relapse was not what I expected
So for a month or so my parents have been planning to go out of town for a couple days. They left on tuesday and came back today (thursday), which is the longest I have been left alone for a long time. Well, it went awful. I am going to keep this short because my brain is exhausted and not working very well. As soon as they left, I started drinking. I very quickly was too drunk to function. I had to nap off and on to make the vodka last until it was a socially acceptable time to go to bed. Wednesday night I started drinking rubbing alcohol. Today I felt really out of it. I cried at AA and picked up a desire chip. I am just exhausted and depressed. I will write more later. I have had a bad day
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