Feeling selfish

I fully understand that I have no right to be upset about this or anything really. I just also am exhausted and not sleeping well and my mental health is questionable at best. But anyway...

My parents are basically buying my brother a car. A used car.. and I guess he is going to pay them back eventually. His car is an old one that they actually gave him when my dad bought a newer one. It's falling apart and they decided rather than pay for the repairs to buy a cheap used car to replace it, so he has a reliable car to get to work.

I am frustrated because it just brings up all the thoughts and feelings of hopelessness. I have been working for 7 months and I don't have enough to buy a car. I would never ask my parents to help given I wrecked the last car. I also owe my parents thousands for rent and bills they helped with when I was unemployed. I just know I can't live on what I make right now, and I can't really look for a better job until I have a car because I don't want my parents to have to drive me further. I also don't know if I can handle another job. I get so anxious thinking about the possibility of having tons wake up early because I struggle to get up by 10 these days.

Then I have the anxiety that my parents are looking at houses because they are planning to buy a house this year. I can't bring myself to ask if I can still stay with them if I haven't sorted out a better job or figured out how to support myself by then. I don't know how to voice any of this fear to them because I don't think they will understand. I also have so much guilt about how I ended up in this situation. I don't know how to explain how lost I feel.

So I am scared and a little angry. I just want a break from people, so I can stop pretending that I am fine. I don't want to hear about my brother's car. I don't want to look at pictures of the houses my parents might buy that I don't know if I can live in.. that I don't really want to live in. I want out. I am not ready to be on my own, but this isn't a healthy place for me. I feel like if I can't get all my shit together, why try? For now I am just trying to shut out the thoughts.

Brief update

I will update on how today went since if you read my last post I was very worried about it. Honestly, it was about as good as I could expect. I kept my job. Honestly only the one supervisor who I had vented to both days I went home is the only one who asked about it. She asked if I was doing better and had gotten enough sleep. I kind of laughed and said better but not sleeping well. I think I was a bit bitter because the last 2 nights I have had awful nightmares. Including one that was like a nightmare inside another nightmare where I was trying to sleep and having dreams about being at work and being attacked by dogs and all sorts of bad scenarios, then I would seemingly wake up in my bed screaming or fall out of bed. I only know it's a dream because I know I would actually have woken my parents and gotten a response if i screamed. In the dream, it just kept happening. Last night.. I don't really remember the dreams but they were bad and repeatedly woke me up. Anyway, so I otherwise just kept working, and I ordered pizza for everyone because it makes me feel better about being an awful person. Then later I went up front and the 2 assistant managers and my supervisor were all there.. having a very odd conversation that had nothing to do with work or me. When it finally stopped, I said quietly to the supervisor that the real answer is I am doing better and my parents are home from vacation so I am safe. It seemed to click that I had mentioned that they were going out of town before all this. I didn't really elaborate on why that's such a problem.. but I think it was a better answer. I honestly just wanted to say that I'm safe, which is not 100% true... but I don't want them worried. I mean I am as safe as before.. and as safe as usual. My parents being around gives me the primarily self imposed idea that I have to keep up appearances. That means sleeping at normal hours, eating normal meals, and being social and talkative and reasonably happy (that's the part that's self  imposed). It also means there is someone in the house that would be upset if I went through with any of the elaborate plans my head comes up with. I mean I know on some level they would be upset even if they were in California and came home to find out I died or was missing, but when the thoughts are bed it only helps to know that they are in the house. They will notice much sooner if I disappear (since all the current plans tend to involve running away so they don't find my body in their house). 

From there, the day was only stressful in normal ways. I did get asked once if I was OK when I sat down at a table with someone else who was not present for me breaking down and going on about how depressed and exhausted I was.. but she's a supervisor and would surely know that I left those days. She may just have been asking because I looked tired, but I don't know. The other time was when I showed them (actually I guess both her and the manager asked this time) the long scratch I now have on my face from the dog. At that point, I think they have to ask in case I decide to sue or something over a superficial scratch. I got smacked in the face by a golden retriever.. it's not the first time I've been hit by a dog.. it was just annoying. But I survived the day with no other comments. I work again tomorrow with different people, so I am still worried about comments. I just feel better because I assume if I was being fired they would have done it or said something today. I just hope I can sleep tonight without any nightmares. 

Sorry that wasn't as brief as planned

Mental breakdown

So I haven't posted in forever. I have been slowly going downhill. I feel like my life is going nowhere because I can't afford a car or an apartment. I probably will need to change jobs to be able to. I can't figure out what I am even capable of.

Then my parents left town. I drank the first day. The second day I went to work, and I was just too tired and depressed. I opened up about it when my supervisor asked how I was doing. I said I needed a mental health day. They let me go home, and I just spent the day in bed drinking and occasionally trying to eat. I was so suicidal, and I was just laying there thinking of calling a crisis line. I could barely get out of bed. I couldn't eat more than a few bites before it was exhausting. I guess I slept.

I went to work the next day and ended up going home. I basically said if I could go without getting fired, I needed to leave. My supervisor let me and asked someone to drive me. I said I didn't need a ride and made an excuse. I really needed to go to the liquor store. I bought 2 more bottles and took Lyft home. I stayed in bed crying.

I am not scheduled again until tomorrow. I am seriously hoping they don't fire me. I have only gone home sick once in 7 months before this, and some people call in almost weekly. I am managing to stay out of bed since my parents came back. Mentally, I am still very bad. My job keeps me going. I want to just go back and not talk about it. I want my parents not to ask anything if they noticed. I want to pretend it's ok because that's the only way I can function. My parents would blame it all on alcohol, but I have been suicidal off and on for weeks. I just am struggling to function and alcohol drowns the thoughts. I couldn't keep fighting without a break. I guess I will update tomorrow with what happens. I will tell them I am ok now and safe. That's mostly true. Then I will fake ok and safe

Too crazy for this world?

Do you ever really wonder if you were meant to be? Like were you a mistake? As a scientist, I know a huge percentage of fertilized embryos have genetic mutations that make them inviable and they don't ever make it to birth. Are there people who somehow make it to birth that are not suited to life?

I seriously have been contemplating some deep issues lately.. good and bad. The bad being that I'm pretty suicidal. Still at the thought stage and just hypothetical, but I am really questioning my desire to keep going. I am also contemplating a lot about why people are so bothered by human deaths unrelated to them.. like murder or the death of strangers. I understand why people close to us would be sad, but in general why is the death of one in billions so important? I won't get into the whole line of thought there because it gets awfully dark and cynical. I think I am just questioning my own existence and my need to stay alive for others. I mean I cannot exist without chemicals to alter my thinking, so why waste time and resources on me?

But I am wondering if there's a possibility of finding something I am good at. Because my dog was really shy when we got her, my thing at work is finding those shy/scared dogs and getting them to like me. Lately, I am identifying way more with animals than people. I think (I am getting very out there with this thinking) animals/pets are so similar to people in the mental healthcare system.. they are fully functional beings thrown into a world that doesn't understand them. They speak a different language, so they're confused and scared. People get upset if they're hostile and trying to protect themselves. They expect them to act normal and loving and fit a certain idea of behavior. I see them as trying to adapt to a probably very difficult life. We get animals that spent lots of their lives in shelters and with little contact with others, so they don't get all social situations. We have one who was never left alone (always with her mom or other family member) so is totally anxious and neurotic if left alone for even a few minutes.. But they're loving, feeling creatures. People just don't try to help because they only worry about themselves. This all kind of touches on my current ethical crisis about wanting to go vegan and speciesism. I wonder if what will make happy is working with animals that are hurting. There are dog trainers and behaviorists that help rescued dogs become happy dogs. I just know I don't really want to be a therapist for people, which is what everyone with mental health issues seems to decide to be. I find happiness and relief for myself when I can stop and press my forehead to the head of a dog or a cat or sit in their room and they sit with me because it is amazing to find ways to communicate across species barriers. I talk to them because I know they can't understand the majority of the words but the sound and tone can be soothing (as someone who doesn't cope well with silence) and it helps me to talk. I would never grab them and hug them when they're scared because that isn't something they find comforting. I hate people who want to hug me when I am in crisis when I want to curl up in a ball and be alone. I don't know.. I see something there. I just don't know how to make that my life. I don't know how to live long enough to have a life at this point. I am just trying to find moments of meaning in a world that seems just fine without me.

Therapy and stopping the downward spiral

So the big new thing recently is I started therapy again. Previously, I was getting some help through a government funded service.. that's where I had IOP and got meds and had a case worker. Honestly, I saw a case worker for one on one therapy for maybe 30 minutes every couple weeks. My second case worker also cancelled a few of those appointments, so I hadn't seen her in a while. Well, getting insurance means I no longer qualify for those services. I found a psychiatrist pretty quickly because I was so unhappy with how my medications had been handled. I am not entirely happy with the new person because the appointments have been very short and not very in depth, but she did what I wanted with my meds which is reduce and then eliminate the Lithium and put me on the extended release Wellbutrin because I had stopped taking my evening dose because it messed with my sleep and I couldn't remember to take it in the afternoon (and as an attempt to feel more normal honestly). I think as long as I am doing pretty well, this person seems fine. I just am not sure how she will handle if things get complicated and changes need to be made.

I procrastinated on finding a therapist because it is so hard starting over with no recommendations. I could probably have gone back to my last one and just paid for it, but I am not sure that's a good idea because honestly I got to my worst while seeing her and she was pretty tolerant of me being in a really bad place. I just don't think we were making any progress. I picked someone kind of at random that takes my insurance, and I think I like her. I went the first time and pretty much had to explain my whole history and all my issues. I kind of based my opinion of her on her reactions to what I said. Like she understood how I progressed from one thing to another. She agreed when I said that it's all the same addictive thinking but has manifested in different behaviors. She was pretty shocked by some of what was done with my medications in the hospital. I tried to explain how I have been diagnosed bipolar or had borderline mentioned but it was usually based on my behavior in the hospital, and I go pretty crazy when in that environment. Plus, the doctors don't like if you disagree with them (like I explained the doctor putting me on two mood stabilizers at once and me making him try just one at a time). They treat me as argumentative because really I have always been taught I need to advocate for myself with doctors. Anyway, it seemed like she understood.

Since the first session, I have been going downhill. Behavior wise.. not so terrible. A few times drinking rubbing alcohol (yes I know that's bad) at night because the depression just reached that level that I can't tolerate. The kind where it is almost a physical effort not to react and do something impulsive. It of course leads to terrible headaches and feeling sick the next day, so I haven't been doing it all the time. Mostly my thinking is in a really bad place. I just am frustrated that I have a decent amount of money in the bank now (like $4,000), but I can't really do much with it. I don't have enough to get a car yet. I don't want to apply for a loan because of the bankruptcy. Plus, I am honestly concerned how my parents will react if I talk about buying one because that will mean having a lot more freedom to buy alcohol or drink. At this point, I probably would do that if I had the slightest chance. I can't really move out without having transportation, and I am not sure yet if I am making enough money to afford rent on an apartment on top of like doctors, medication, and therapy.. add in food and transportation. It might not be enough. I am not ready to look for another job. I am just getting settled in here, and honestly I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what I can do. The last couple years of the drinking combined with ECT really effected my short term memory, and it is way better now.. but I don't know how much of the knowledge from school I have retained.. I still doubt myself a lot. Like I have to check that I texted the right person after I sent it. I have to check when I sent things and that I did. I have to check my work schedule everyday to make sure I am remembering it correctly. So I have no idea what I plan to do. None of it is achievable yet, but I am feeling very stuck and trapped where I am. That leads to thoughts of running away to a hotel because I have money to stay a week or two and drink myself to death. I think about if I tell my parents or leave a note.. do I just commit suicide immediately or drink for a while and just shut off my phone so no one can reach me? Would I actually die or end up in the hospital and with everything in my life ruined? With my luck I probably wouldn't die. They'd find me or I'd have second thoughts and ask for help. It feels very hopeless.

I have explained this whole line of thinking to my therapist at our second appointment. We talked about how I have never really had goals or dreams for a job or anything in the future. I just did what seemed logical. I fully expected to end up working a job that hopefully would be tolerable and allow me to live comfortably. I just hoped I would find fulfillment in something else. Of course, that didn't work. I found jobs and tried school but basically couldn't tolerate myself and escaped through bulimia and drinking. So now I am 32, and I don't know what to do with myself. I know right now if I was independent, I would drink because drinking sounds better than anything else. We explored the origins of my negative thinking.. basically meaning I explained how I come from a family of pessimists. I have a brother that is an underachiever, probably because of a fear of failure and lack of directions. My mom complained daily about her job. She still tells stories about it now that she's retired. My dad just doesn't talk about his.. he goes everyday and comes home and says his day was fine. He can be a workaholic, but he just was never talkative. So I didn't grow up with an excellent view of working life, and combine that with the fact that I have never expected to live very long.. I never had dreams. So I am supposed to be practicing positive thinking. In reality, I am mostly just trying not to do anything stupid to sabotage things. I keep hoping this mood will pass.

I don't know when I will ever reach a point where I don't want to drink. I am only mostly avoiding it out of fear and lack of opportunity. Any freedom, and it starts again. I think about it constantly. I am still going to AA, but I find it almost painful to sit and listen. I just refuse to believe that God is the answer to this. I refuse to believe that a spiritual solution is the only one. I believe this is a mental illness with probably physical, genetic, and biochemical origins.. combined with all the environmental factors that led to my low self esteem and self hate. I just don't know how to fix any of that. Anti-craving meds have never helped me because my cravings are more mental/thought based than physical. I have tried several. Therapy.. I don't know. Rehabs and detox usually push the 12 steps as the solution. They don't really spend much time trying to figure out how we became addicts and what we need to fix in ourselves that we can't tolerate. So I don't know. I just keep hoping my parents will leave town, so I can binge. That would fix this mood. Temporarily.. but still. I don't have another solution at the moment. I am just existing.

New Year

It was pointed out that I haven't written in a while. I just wanted to check in. I feel like now that things are not a constant crisis, I don't know what to write about. I am stuck in just an endless cycle of work and exhaustion. Before work, I am focused on minimizing stress and saving energy for work. I am worrying about work. I dream about work. Last night it was a dream that I bitched to my supervisor about how another coworker who is driving me crazy. Then I come home at night, and I don't have energy left to do anything. I eat dinner and watch TV, and really just kill time until I can go to bed. I just look forward to going to bed and watching Netflix and going to sleep. I have no desire to do anything.. I feel like I should read or draw or do anything, but I seriously just play games on my phone and scroll through Pinterest.

So in reality, I think I am struggling with depression. It's just not the suicidal crisis kind of depression.. it's the kind where I can't sleep because I'm worried and feel exhausted if I don't get 9 hours of sleep. I have no interest in anything. My happiness pretty much only comes from my interactions with animals. I am so over people, but when a dog rests their head on me.. or gives me a kiss. That feels nice. My coworkers.. make me feel very aware of my social anxiety and of the awkwardness of my situation. Like my supervisor asked where I worked before this, and I told her. She seemed shocked and asked why I left the lab, and I was silent for a second trying to decide how much was ok to tell her. I ended up just saying mental health stuff. Then there was an awkward conversation where 2 coworkers (who are like 17 and 19) were discussing being hospitalized for depression in high school. I kind of said I had been to that hospital, but I didn't elaborate. I realize I have this tendency to brag (although maybe not the right word) about hospitalizations. It comes from that competition in hospital to make it seem justified that you're there. People insist on sharing how many times they've been in hospital or attempted suicide or what drugs they've done and everything. I tend to get defensive because patients will try to imply you're not as bad. I had to remind myself that work is not somewhere I need or should compete about this. But yeah.. it's awkward.

I worry because I don't know what the future holds. I am just saving my money because I am ashamed to spend it, but I don't know what I am saving for.. a car? an apartment? None of it seems achievable in the near future, so I am just saving. I know I am not mentally well enough to live alone. I am functioning, but I want with every fiber of my being to go back to drinking. I should probably be looking for a therapist, but I hate the idea of sacrificing my limited time off on therapy that probably won't help.. I mean I have done therapy. I don't know what will fix this. I am not ready or willing to consider the whole God thing again. I go to AA a couple times a week, and I force myself to sit there. I don't believe that's the only solution, and I am not willing enough to try it. I guess things aren't bad enough right now for me to want change.

So it's another year, and I am going nowhere. I am mildly scared now because my parents are talking about moving and buying a house sometime in the next year.. and I have a (probably irrational) fear they will not want me in the new house or buy a house too small to let me live there. So again.. I am saving money. I am waiting for it all to fall apart. I have no dreams or goals or resolutions. I am stuck in this daily cycle and that is all I have energy for. Writing all this has me slightly more depressed, so I am off to pinterest to ignore my troubles.
I hope your New Year is going better...

Anxiety

These past couple weeks I feel like I'm sinking. It's not an obvious downward spiral like some in the past. This is a lot more subtle and has left me questioning myself as to whether or not it's normal or a valid cause for concern.

I don't really know when it started. I just know that I am much more anxious and bothered by a lot of things that I was handling ok. I am back to being exhausted when I come home from work at 7pm.. like I am yawning on the drive home. Except, work has been unusually slow this week. I went home early on a couple nights and spent time sitting around on others. Most days weren't physically tiring (although yesterday I got smacked in the face by a Goldendoodle and later an Irish wolfhound who were jumping on me). Mentally and emotionally, work has been difficult. I am back to worrying in my head all day about everything.. have I been sitting down too long? do I seem lazy? what time should we do this? is it too early or too late? can I ask someone to do this or tell them something or will that be rude? was I too rude to the dog that's being a total jerk and jumping on me? The other night (please don't judge me for this story) I was just generally having a hard time with the dogs. Dogs that are normally well behaved were being difficult. Like there's these 2 Irish wolfhounds (very large dogs) boarding with us who I adore. Normally (I have done this on multiple occasions) I can put a leash on one and the other will follow me the short distance from the yard to their room. That night one decided to wander off. Well, I put her sister in the room and the other dog I had leashed (I only had 2 leashes). I am calling the other and this special needs girl who works for us was just standing and watching. This was not the first time that day that she had just stood around watching me do things rather than doing her work. She's also not supposed to touch the dogs or go in rooms, but she kept trying to pet them while I had them on leashes which makes them act up. So I said as calmly as I could "Are you picking up bowls?" she nodded (not actually doing anything) "Can you do that and stop watching the dogs?". I felt horrible because I know I said it kind of harshly, but if there was a dog loose in the bag (even one completely harmless like this one) it was not a good idea for her to just stand there. I won't even go into the time I was trying to wrestle a dog (not harmless.. an obnoxious and out of control labrador) into his room and she just stood there and watched. I had to tell her to leave because I didn't want her getting hurt if he got away.

But anyway.. I am just a constant ball of worry at work now. I just anxiously wait for everything to be done and then you would think I would be relieved. No.. then I go home and worry about other things. Recently, it's been christmas shopping. I became obsessed with having a "good" Christmas list to give my parents and brother.. it had to be things that I wanted/needed but weren't too expensive or too weird or would take up too much space in the house. Then I had to pick the perfect gifts for them and spend the right amount of money. I don't like to buy off lists because I want them to think I know them well enough to pick the presents, but then I feel guilty for not buying what they ask for. Then I had everything picked out but didn't want to order them too early because I might later find a better option or they might think I was weird for buying things too soon.. and since I have Prime shipping on amazon this could have carried on until 2 days before Christmas. I finally ordered everything yesterday on my break at work because I needed to stop thinking about it. It was occupying my evenings and then keeping me up at night. I know this anxiety is largely because I wasn't around last Christmas. I went into hospital on Christmas Eve and then into rehab until mid January. I didn't buy anyone presents, but they bought me things that I opened whenever I got home. I wasn't there for any other holiday plans, and i was honestly grateful at the time because the drinking was horrible and so was the suicidal thoughts. Plus, last year I had zero money and was just building credit card debt to buy alcohol. I couldn't afford gifts. This year I am here and have some money, and I feel like I have to make up for last year.

I am just finding everything too much. I am exhausted and anxious and keeping it all inside. Last night my mom mentioned we were going to a restaurant today that is not what I was originally told. I was exhausted from work and trying to read stuff on my phone and I guess I made a face. She asked if I didn't want to go because I made a face. I can't explain that I was already very anxious because I came home from work to see they brought all the Christmas decorations out of storage and so that plus the fact that we would need to go to the grocery store meant that I was already anxious about the almost certain fact that they would be arguing today. That meant my day off would include awkwardly listening to them fight and trying to keep the peace.. plus possibly decorating.. plus grocery shopping which is stressful with them.. and now I was facing going to a new restaurant I had never been to. That meant I needed to look up the menu because I always choose what I am going to get in advance (it's not an ED thing.. just anxiety) and figure out what I would need to wear to a new place. This all just means that my day off isn't a day off. It's an exhausting series of anxiety provoking activities. In my current mental state, my ideal day off would involve watching Netflix in bed and sleeping. Honestly, work days are less anxiety provoking than my days off right now.. and I couldn't think of any polite way to explain all this, so I just said I wasn't upset.

So yes.. things are just hard right now, and I would seriously love a few drinks or at least a day where I don't have to deal with people. I have no idea what to do about any of this. I don't want more medication (at least not unless they could give me benzos). My case worker/counselor is proving to be useless. I did explain a lot of this to her, but she didn't really offer advice or a solution. I have stopped IOP.. partly because I don't want to have to keep lying about my last relapse and my sobriety date and partly because it wasn't helping to sit around and watch the same stupid videos I have seen at least twice. I have started going to another support group, but I am unsure what to think of it. It's more for mental health.. the first week we talked about breathing exercises and emotions but there were 4 of us there and only 2 of us talked. Last week it was about gratitude and we watched a video and then he let us go very early. I ended up sitting outside for like 20 minutes because I didn't want to text my mom to come get me that early and have her criticize or question the group (and in my mind me for choosing this over IOP). I am hoping to have health insurance soon, but I don't know what it will cover in terms of mental health.. so I don't know if anything will improve. I just want the holidays to be over with because it's only going to get worse.