So I wish I could say rehab was successful. Really it was so worthless. Actually, it cost my insurance paid an awful lot to a rehab facility that cost a lot to build, but it only made me worse.
So this facility has a women's, men's, adolescent, and young adult ward. There were 3 other patients when I got there. The highest the count ever was (for the whole place) was 7. You would think they could handle that.
But the program was so disorganized. Some therapists taught the 12 steps. Some openly didn't agree with AA. The psychiatrist spent most of his time trying to convince me I have some forgotten abuse that caused my depression. Like he asked me questions about if I have ever enjoyed sex with a man and if I have ever climaxed. Then he said I have the symptoms of sexual abuse. WTF? I mean I admit I have not had much luck with men, but I don't think it is as simple as repressed abuse. And I think my current problems are more important than digging up something that I don't think happened. They were really into finding the cause of the addiction. However, a fair number of groups consisted of watching videos. Sometimes they watched football or played Uno and called that a group and acted like I was not working the program because I preferred to read my big book.
So my psychiatrist was focused on uncovering the cause and didn't want to do anything with my medications. I became more depressed and very suicidal. I developed a plan and admitted it to my therapist. I hinted at it to others. Basically, I admitted to planning to get a hotel room and vodka, but I would generally not admit I planned to OD on my meds and drink a lot and obviously not survive. I tried to leave AMA, and they threatened to send me to a psych ward and call the police if I wouldn't go. I rescinded the request. That was Friday.
They told me Friday they were trying to get more days from my insurance. I didn't hear what happened. Saturday I asked and said I was approved through Monday and that my therapist was there Sunday. My therapist said Sunday that I was approved until Monday (which I assumed meant they were still fighting insurance) and she would talk to me after group. She never talked to me. I discussed my concern with the nurse because I had no discharge plan, so she emailed the therapist.
I saw the therapist Monday morning and she said that insurance wouldn't approve more days, so I had to leave that day. She wanted me to call my parents. I wanted to get a hotel room and... But nobody questioned if I was going to kill myself like I was planning a few days prior. She asked about aftercare, and I pretty much said I didn't know because I have no income and no car. I had no idea if my parents wanted me back or were willing to drive me to an outpatient program. So she mentioned giving me a list of therapists and psychiatrists who offer sliding scale services, but I never got anything.
I was planning to get a hotel room and vodka and kill myself, but my credit card was declined when I tried to get a car (Uber) to pick me up. They wouldn't let me just leave. I finally got up and called my parents. My mom was super pissed about them making me leave on such short notice with no prescriptions, no follow up appointments, no referrals. Thankfully she was mad at them not me. But I signed a release for them to call her. The clinical director claimed I declined several attempts at discharge planning (not true), that they recommended PHP at a specific hospital (never remember that hospital being recommended in any detail), I refused to let them be contacted (I only asked I be told beforehand), and that I knew Friday that I would be discharged Monday (as previously mentioned that I was vaguely told Saturday/Sunday that I was approved through Monday but not that they weren't going to keep fighting insurance). So I was not able to be discharged Friday because I was suicidal, but a few days later and still suicidal they could send me home?
The good that came out of this is that my therapist helped fill out the disability application. I have finished that. I have called and gotten some info about mental health services for those with no insurance in my county. Otherwise, I am drunk. I figured out the combination for the lock on my meds.. thank you YouTube, so I can get anything there. I am torn between being suicidal and believing there's hope. I am more believing it's hopeless.
So I bought vodka today. I called and found out about resources. I have done good and bad. I feel hopeless. I have a lot to figure out. I don't know what will happen. My depression is worse than when I left detox. My alcoholism is obviously not cured. I am pissed about what happened and at the lies they told my parents. I don't know if they believe me or them. I guess it's all a work in progress.
