I don't have much to day. This is mostly the obligatory entry to tell you I am still alive. After the last post, I did (I think) attempt suicide again. There was enough alcohol involved, I don't know with certainty that I took the pills. I did cause a great deal of worry because I left a suicide note for my parents and sent an email to my former residential therapist and my IOP therapist. I survived obviously. I ended up inpatient for a week and then in rehab again. I knew from the beginning that was pointless, but it's so difficult to find any sort of residential or long term treatment for mental health because insurance thinks that a few days in a psych ward should stabilize you for outpatient treatment.. yet they'll pay for several weeks treatment for substance abuse. Anyway, I spent a month at a facility I had been to before and the whole thing was a battle to get to see a psychiatrist and get the doctor to do anything with my meds. She didn't seem comfortable since I have tried so many meds before, but I am just pleading with her (over video chat) that I cannot function the way things are so she has to do something. My therapist was a jackass.. and his specialty is personality disorders. I admit that I think I have BPD, and he agreed. He just kept blaming everything I did on the BPD and blaming the depression on the BPD. He told me I make myself sad for attention. Less than a week before I discharged I had a really bad depression day and said some concerning, hopeless things to the techs.. they got worried and contacted the weekend therapist. She was sweet and talked to me and also talked a lot to me about what I want to do in the future and even did some career test with me. Anyway, my therapists response was to ask if something happened that day or did I just want some attention? Wtf? He also said I need to stop weaponizing my depression.. and that was when I was 2 weeks free from self harm, which is about the only behavior I think that could apply to. His comments basically left me afraid to tell anyone I was struggling because it would prove him right if I asked for any sort of help or attention. I would cry sitting in the very corner of my bed so no one could see me walking by.
In the end, the depression was as bad as when I got there.. and I'm still a bit scared of what I might do. I have an assessment for an IOP monday that I hope will help.. I think there's a chance I will be sent back IP if I'm honest about the suicidal thoughts and hopelessness. On top of everything wrong with this rehab, they sent me home with totally wrong medication instructions and without some of my meds.. so I'm not able to take one of them until I can get in contact with someone there or see my outpatient psych. The other missing med I can sort of work out with what I have at home.. but seriously? What if I didn't know what I should be taking like a lot of people and actually followed the instructions? I mean I felt really rushed when she handed me the meds, so it's my fault for not reading it carefully.. but there's no excuse for the mistakes they made in the instructions. So things are not exactly going well right now, but I am alive and at home for now. I am happier to be here than suffering like that in rehab. My anxiety was so bad I only left my room for groups (sometimes) and meals that I ate in like 5 minutes. I was crying several times a day. It was a mess..
As far as the title of the entry.. my birthday is this month. I really don't feel good about that either. I have had 4 suicide attempts this year. I have been in 3 rehabs, 3 inpatient stays, 2 IOPs, 3 medical hospitals/ERs. This has not been a good year, and things aren't exactly looking up.
