I just felt like posting. I am currently going a bit insane being home all the time with my parents. My dad is working from home because of the COVID 19 situation, so both parents are home. They act like everything is normal, but to me it's constantly frusrating. I don't know how they seem to be able to discount their arguments and not see it as a bigger issue. Like.. all I ever hear about their therapy sessions is them talking about day to day life and not about the obvious issues between them. It basically comes down to them both being very passive aggressive people (and where did they think I learned that?). Every disagreement is handled with either silence, little sharp remarks, or actual arguments. It's usually about everyday activities.. like the biggest ones since my dad has been at home have been about meals (... writing that makes me wonder how that played into my ED). My dad himself has issues with food.. he eats compulsively and snacks constantly but then if we suggest any meal besides like salad.. we're trying to sabotage his efforts to lose weight. It bothers me because I will honestly suggest a meal at a restaurant that is lower calorie (printed right on the menu) than the salad he's ordering.. because he adds cheese and meat and creamy dressings, but he'll say he just wants a salad. At home, the meals we have aren't that unhealthy.. it's the snacking on nuts and candy all evening that adds hundreds of calories. All of this would be less frustrating if he made any major contribution to meal planning. He's been wanting us to all sit down to lunch as a family, which we never do. But he won't tell us what he wants to eat for lunch and I have to pry that info out of him so we can go shopping. He won't eat most of what we buy but doesn't tell us what to get. Plus, we have to somehow time our 3 separate food choices to be done at one time.. normally my mom and I just eat our own food at roughly lunch time and only really ask the other if they want something to be cooked when the other is making theirs.
He keeps going back and forth about the way people are stocking up because of the virus. At first, he said we needed to have a weeks worth of food at home. I commented that if we weren't picky, we had that.. it just meant having to eat canned soup and maybe having to come up with meals using the rice and beans and everything else in the pantry. But we stocked up on frozen meals because my mom and I will eat them for lunch anyway. He will rant about people creating shortages because they're panicking.. but then decide to buy 3 bags of flour when we only have 2 at home.. and don't bake that often.
Me.. the conflict is getting to me. Being trapped at home is getting to me. I was doing IOP but that's now done online, so I don't get to go out except to shop with my mom. My job.. who knows. They talked about adding me back to the schedule in April, but then I finally asked about it because I hadn't heard anything and I guess the kennel is closed for now. I am hoping that means people will quit, and if this all blows over they will need me. I mostly see no point actively job hunting when so many businesses are limited or closed. It just means I am stuck at home. I started trying to go for walks outside to get some fresh air and quiet. That turned into going for "walks" and getting a Lyft ride to the liquor store. I am just ambivalent about everything. I don't feel committed to sobriety. I kind of hope I will get kicked out. I am very pessimistic about the future.. not just because of my mental health but because of the corona virus and the tanking economy and the environment going to hell. I kind of think the world will end in my lifetime if I manage not to kill myself. But I just keep getting out of bed and going through the motions anyway because it's not so bad as to try to end things.
I hope everyone is well in these hard times. You're all in my thoughts. I worry more about others than myself these days.
