I keep losing track of when I've written.. my mind has been all over the place lately. I don't think I've mentioned that I haven't been taking all my medication. There were a couple weeks (well probably not 2 full weeks) I wasn't taking my Wellbutrin. I ran out and just didn't fill it. I started it again at some point (have you noticed I don't do time well?). Well, then I ran out of my Lamictal, and I haven't taken it in a week or so. It finally reached a point where I decided to just wait until I saw my psychiatrist because he'll probably order a new prescription when I see him if he wants me taking it.. if he doesn't then it would be a waste of money filling it. It's really stupid why I haven't filled it. My pharmacy will let me order refills online. Yay for no human contact! Well, my doctor only writes the prescriptions with one refill, and somewhere along the line the timing got messed up (either because I wasn't taking it or was in hospital) and I ended up with extra prescriptions. When a prescription gets called in too soon to be filled, it gets put on file. Well, those prescriptions can't be filled online. I have to call, and I hate making phone calls.. so I just haven't called. I considered going to the pharmacy and asking in person, but that seemed odd.. even though it's still better than not taking it. So some amount of my recent insanity might be that I'm not taking my mood stabilizer. It might also explain some of the insomnia.
Anyway.. I started training at work Sunday. It went well. I know a couple of the people who work there and I like most of the others. Sunday was a class about what they do, the drugs the screen for, and some basic policies. I was there for 3 hours. I was originally supposed to go to my parents house for dinner afterwards, but the weather was supposed to be bad and the roads were supposed to be icy in the evening, so I had to stay home. I was actually pretty upset. I've realized just how isolated this job is going to make me.. I mean I'll be around coworkers, but I won't be able to go to meetings everyday anymore. I may not be able to see my parents more than once a week. I can hopefully go to church, but I may not be able to go to lunch with friends after. So I was upset. I came home after worked and binged and purged. Monday I was stuck at home because the roads were icy.. I tried to read articles for school and only managed a few. I binged and purged and watched tv and felt a little crazy because I really didn't want to be at home.
Yesterday I did manage some reading for school and then worked 3-8:30. Today I went to school 10am-3pm and then worked 4-9:30. School isn't going well. I just am not getting things done. I am trying, but I am just stuck.. I think I am going to try to talk to my advisor Friday and see if she has any advice or at least just admit that I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I feel dumb because I just can't write. I know I'm not going to be done by May at this point.. and I am trying my best not to let that upset me, but it does. Maybe talking to her will help. I am still half convinced in my head that I'm going to have some mental breakdown in the near future. It doesn't help that I'm not telling anyone that. I'm not talking about this with anyone.
Oh and I haven't really eaten since Monday. Yesterday and today I've been living off water, coke zero, sugar free lifesavers, and lots of gum. But I feel like sometimes that keeps this sort of panic in my head in check. I don't feel well though. I was having trouble focusing at work tonight. That's why I left when I did. I knew I would start making mistakes if I kept going because I was tired.
I see my psychiatrist and therapist tomorrow.. and I am going to my parents (which means I have to eat).. and I should probably call my sponsor. I kind of hope this weird (I can't describe this) manic sort of anxiety about school is at least partially a consequence of my medication and it will get better.. and I have at least said to several people that I am graduating in August. I am doing that now so I don't have people asking me in May why I haven't graduated. I just have to come to terms with it. So yeah.. that's all I have for now. I need to go to bed.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Friday, February 20, 2015
New job
So I had a job interview, which I cannot remember if I mentioned on here before.. and I am really too lazy to check. I didn't tell a lot of people about it. Anyway, I got the job. It's at a toxicology lab.. so basically they do drug screening on samples doctors send them. They have people in charge of actually doing the testing, and then I'm one of the analysts in charge of looking at the readings off the machines. It's part time. Evenings and sundays (not Saturdays at the moment).
I am torn about whether this is good or bad.. I mean it is a good job, and I know 2 people who work there (though that didn't work out too well at the last job.. except I knew that woman was a a bitch she had just never been a bitch to me). It pays really well ($20 an hour to start and then $22 an hour after I am done training). However, I'm still going to be teaching and I am still supposed to be writing. So I will still be at school during the day and then going to work at 5 or 6 pm. How long I'll be there I guess varies depending on number of samples.
It sounded great this morning after the interview.. then progressively over the rest of the day it started to sound terrible. I am not getting stuff done at school. I am trying, and I am getting little bits done, but I am stuck. I cannot seem to keep writing, and I see no way I'm going to graduate in May. I am ok with graduating in August BUT there's an issue I thought of.. I still haven't talked to the professors I need to be on my committee (I need 2 more). I had picked them but then somehow the form never really got signed, and then I made changes to my degree after that.. so I'm fairly certain one is a bad choice now. Mainly because he has only really ever been on committees for people doing actual research thesis (theses is plural?) not the professional paper I'm doing. So I may need to pick someone else.. but then if I may graduate in August I start having to worry about if they're leaving for parts of the summer.
And thinking about any of that is when my brain starts wanting to not exist. Add to that another job... I think I need to talk to my advisor Tuesday and just tell her I'm stuck and tell her my concern and tell her about the job.. and somehow I envision crying because that's what happens if I think about this all too much.
Another issue.. this is going to mess with going to meetings and seeing friends.. which I don't see friends much anymore really.. because I'll be working evenings. Thursdays I'm off, so I can go to therapy. I am thinking about looking for a new therapist now that I'll have more money. I really don't think mine is helping. I can manage some noon meetings and then meetings Saturday.
Plus.. I do have to acknowledge that the eating disorder is a problem. I try to pretend that since I'm still overweight it's no big deal... I'll be honest **TW** I have lost 40 pounds in the past 5-6 months.
I'm still binging and purging at night. I am occasionally eating in the morning now.. still no lunch. One day I ate a very small dinner because I didn't binge.
I tried to buy some groceries today (not binge food), and I failed miserably at it. I eaten these frozen sausage biscuits in the mornings a couple times (they were originally for a binge), but I ran out. I couldn't convince myself to buy them again to actually eat because they have so much fat. The only lower fat ones have both sausage and egg, and I don't like eggs. Every other breakfast food I could think of was sweet, and sweet foods (cereal, granola bars, yogurt, muffins, etc) all seem like binge food and would just set the day up for that. I thought maybe crackers but didn't get any. I was also trying to think of things that didn't need like a fork or spoon because I'm less likely to eat them if it requires me to find clean utensils. So after wandering around Target I ended up buying gum, candy for AA, a new belt because my pants were falling down and it reminded me I wanted one, water, and I did buy some weird chia fruit squeeze thing that i'll take a picture of if I ever decide to eat. So that's the problem.. I probably need to consume calories if I'm going to take on more work. I've been getting dizzy some lately. I think it's dehydration even though I feel like I drink a ton of water. I will try groceries again tomorrow. I have this theory that maybe buying food that doesn't taste good will make it acceptable. It can't be a binge or something indulgent if it tastes bad, right? So maybe I'll go to the natural grocery store lol
I am torn about whether this is good or bad.. I mean it is a good job, and I know 2 people who work there (though that didn't work out too well at the last job.. except I knew that woman was a a bitch she had just never been a bitch to me). It pays really well ($20 an hour to start and then $22 an hour after I am done training). However, I'm still going to be teaching and I am still supposed to be writing. So I will still be at school during the day and then going to work at 5 or 6 pm. How long I'll be there I guess varies depending on number of samples.
It sounded great this morning after the interview.. then progressively over the rest of the day it started to sound terrible. I am not getting stuff done at school. I am trying, and I am getting little bits done, but I am stuck. I cannot seem to keep writing, and I see no way I'm going to graduate in May. I am ok with graduating in August BUT there's an issue I thought of.. I still haven't talked to the professors I need to be on my committee (I need 2 more). I had picked them but then somehow the form never really got signed, and then I made changes to my degree after that.. so I'm fairly certain one is a bad choice now. Mainly because he has only really ever been on committees for people doing actual research thesis (theses is plural?) not the professional paper I'm doing. So I may need to pick someone else.. but then if I may graduate in August I start having to worry about if they're leaving for parts of the summer.
And thinking about any of that is when my brain starts wanting to not exist. Add to that another job... I think I need to talk to my advisor Tuesday and just tell her I'm stuck and tell her my concern and tell her about the job.. and somehow I envision crying because that's what happens if I think about this all too much.
Another issue.. this is going to mess with going to meetings and seeing friends.. which I don't see friends much anymore really.. because I'll be working evenings. Thursdays I'm off, so I can go to therapy. I am thinking about looking for a new therapist now that I'll have more money. I really don't think mine is helping. I can manage some noon meetings and then meetings Saturday.
Plus.. I do have to acknowledge that the eating disorder is a problem. I try to pretend that since I'm still overweight it's no big deal... I'll be honest **TW** I have lost 40 pounds in the past 5-6 months.
I'm still binging and purging at night. I am occasionally eating in the morning now.. still no lunch. One day I ate a very small dinner because I didn't binge.
I tried to buy some groceries today (not binge food), and I failed miserably at it. I eaten these frozen sausage biscuits in the mornings a couple times (they were originally for a binge), but I ran out. I couldn't convince myself to buy them again to actually eat because they have so much fat. The only lower fat ones have both sausage and egg, and I don't like eggs. Every other breakfast food I could think of was sweet, and sweet foods (cereal, granola bars, yogurt, muffins, etc) all seem like binge food and would just set the day up for that. I thought maybe crackers but didn't get any. I was also trying to think of things that didn't need like a fork or spoon because I'm less likely to eat them if it requires me to find clean utensils. So after wandering around Target I ended up buying gum, candy for AA, a new belt because my pants were falling down and it reminded me I wanted one, water, and I did buy some weird chia fruit squeeze thing that i'll take a picture of if I ever decide to eat. So that's the problem.. I probably need to consume calories if I'm going to take on more work. I've been getting dizzy some lately. I think it's dehydration even though I feel like I drink a ton of water. I will try groceries again tomorrow. I have this theory that maybe buying food that doesn't taste good will make it acceptable. It can't be a binge or something indulgent if it tastes bad, right? So maybe I'll go to the natural grocery store lol
Saturday, February 14, 2015
Angry and sad
I am not doing very well. Still binging and purging daily. Not getting enough sleep. I keep falling asleep around 3am.. I think it's because I've been drinking a lot of caffeine or taking diet pills to make up for how tired I am.. vicious cycle.
I really haven't been very honest about all this. Mostly because I don't have many people to be honest with. I hardly ever see my sponsor, and I have this argument in my head about if she needs to know non-alcohol related stuff. I don't want to bother her or waste her time. There is one other person (I apologize if I'm repeating this) that did vaguely know about the bulimia.. in that I mentioned I had been binging. I didn't use the word purging, but the conversation involved the words bulimia and binging, so maybe that was implied. That was Friday the 6th.
Monday, I got my 30 day chip.. and my sponsor came to the meeting to give it to me. She was really excited. She's been my sponsor for over a year and this is the first time I've managed 30 days sober since then. Anyway, at the meeting she was telling me I look well and was complimenting me on my skin and my smile. Stuff like that. Nice things, but it bothered me. I've been sleep deprived because I get home after 9pm and stay up until at least midnight binging and purging, and I'm pretty miserable.. and being told I look healthy and happy sort of invalidates how poorly I feel... does that make sense? It's like I can't be that sick if everyone thinks I'm happy.
Well, the next day I texted the other person from AA to ask if I should tell my sponsor the truth. We (this person) had a long phone conversation about how alcohol and probably ED are symptoms of our problems.. and about fear.. and all kinds of stuff, and I think the conclusion was that now that I'm sober I'm more aware of how scary school and graduation is and this is my way of avoiding things. I also said I'm afraid at some point I'm going to decide drinking was better than bulimia and go back. But then this was on Tuesday and I never did call my sponsor.
So today I saw my sponsor at a meeting.. and it was not a topic I had much to say about. I tried talking and I was saying something about school messing with my brain. I don't know how I said it exactly, but my sponsor interrupted me. She honestly interrupted me in the middle of sharing and said that school doesn't mess with my brain the way alcohol does.. and she said something to someone else who I guess must be in graduate school. Then that person said something about that and then about how when she first got sober she had trouble expressing herself in meetings. At this point I was mortified. The 2nd woman apologized and asked if I was done talking (notice she apologized for interrupting but my sponsor didn't) and I said I was even though i hadn't been. I just couldn't say anything else. I was so embarrassed. It even makes me want to cry now. I have this serious fear of not making sense when I speak, and my sponsor should know that..
And my point was that grad school does fuck with my brain. It's an environment that fosters fear and anxiety and competition that I used alcohol to avoid thinking about. Now I don't have alcohol so I binge and purge and restrict to manipulate how I feel. I use diet pills to have energy since I can't sleep. I act in all sorts of fucked up ways. I was talking about this on Tuesday with the other person about how everything got worse in grad school. Everyone in grad school goes a bit crazy. I tried to explain that in the meeting but I was trying to say this without being able to say what behaviors I was doing.. and I don't make sense.. and I just did NOT need that pointed out. My sponsor left before the meeting ended and didn't say anything about it.. I did start crying a little (only one eye for some reason) not sure if that was before or after she left. I texted her a couple hours later to clarify what I meant. I want her to apologize but I'm not going to ask her to. I couldn't make myself call her because I started crying in my car in the parking lot and again in the parking lot at the grocery store when another person texted me and asked how the meeting was.
I know my sponsor can't know how bad things are if I don't tell her, but she does know how self conscious I am in meetings. She also interrupted me once before that to ask how long I had been sober and make me say that (I had picked up my chip at a different group) so she got to draw attention to me twice.
I really haven't been very honest about all this. Mostly because I don't have many people to be honest with. I hardly ever see my sponsor, and I have this argument in my head about if she needs to know non-alcohol related stuff. I don't want to bother her or waste her time. There is one other person (I apologize if I'm repeating this) that did vaguely know about the bulimia.. in that I mentioned I had been binging. I didn't use the word purging, but the conversation involved the words bulimia and binging, so maybe that was implied. That was Friday the 6th.
Monday, I got my 30 day chip.. and my sponsor came to the meeting to give it to me. She was really excited. She's been my sponsor for over a year and this is the first time I've managed 30 days sober since then. Anyway, at the meeting she was telling me I look well and was complimenting me on my skin and my smile. Stuff like that. Nice things, but it bothered me. I've been sleep deprived because I get home after 9pm and stay up until at least midnight binging and purging, and I'm pretty miserable.. and being told I look healthy and happy sort of invalidates how poorly I feel... does that make sense? It's like I can't be that sick if everyone thinks I'm happy.
Well, the next day I texted the other person from AA to ask if I should tell my sponsor the truth. We (this person) had a long phone conversation about how alcohol and probably ED are symptoms of our problems.. and about fear.. and all kinds of stuff, and I think the conclusion was that now that I'm sober I'm more aware of how scary school and graduation is and this is my way of avoiding things. I also said I'm afraid at some point I'm going to decide drinking was better than bulimia and go back. But then this was on Tuesday and I never did call my sponsor.
So today I saw my sponsor at a meeting.. and it was not a topic I had much to say about. I tried talking and I was saying something about school messing with my brain. I don't know how I said it exactly, but my sponsor interrupted me. She honestly interrupted me in the middle of sharing and said that school doesn't mess with my brain the way alcohol does.. and she said something to someone else who I guess must be in graduate school. Then that person said something about that and then about how when she first got sober she had trouble expressing herself in meetings. At this point I was mortified. The 2nd woman apologized and asked if I was done talking (notice she apologized for interrupting but my sponsor didn't) and I said I was even though i hadn't been. I just couldn't say anything else. I was so embarrassed. It even makes me want to cry now. I have this serious fear of not making sense when I speak, and my sponsor should know that..
And my point was that grad school does fuck with my brain. It's an environment that fosters fear and anxiety and competition that I used alcohol to avoid thinking about. Now I don't have alcohol so I binge and purge and restrict to manipulate how I feel. I use diet pills to have energy since I can't sleep. I act in all sorts of fucked up ways. I was talking about this on Tuesday with the other person about how everything got worse in grad school. Everyone in grad school goes a bit crazy. I tried to explain that in the meeting but I was trying to say this without being able to say what behaviors I was doing.. and I don't make sense.. and I just did NOT need that pointed out. My sponsor left before the meeting ended and didn't say anything about it.. I did start crying a little (only one eye for some reason) not sure if that was before or after she left. I texted her a couple hours later to clarify what I meant. I want her to apologize but I'm not going to ask her to. I couldn't make myself call her because I started crying in my car in the parking lot and again in the parking lot at the grocery store when another person texted me and asked how the meeting was.
I know my sponsor can't know how bad things are if I don't tell her, but she does know how self conscious I am in meetings. She also interrupted me once before that to ask how long I had been sober and make me say that (I had picked up my chip at a different group) so she got to draw attention to me twice.
Monday, February 2, 2015
Miserable
I'm sorry I haven't been commenting.. or posting at all really. I haven't had anything nice or particularly healthy to say lately. When I'm not able to force it to think about school, my head is usually a jumble of depression and eating disorder and just insane thinking. And I'm just letting it happen.
My eating pattern is still pretty much either not eat at all or not eat all day and then binge and purge at night. There are occasional days where I will eat a meal or two during the day and then binge and purge at night. If I eat at all, the binging is inevitable. The only way to stop it seems to be to just not eat. And I know that's not logical because I know I've managed to stop it in the past while eating, but this seems the easiest method right now. Even though it could be argued that the constant hunger is contributing to my preoccupation and obsession with food. Lovely cycle, isn't it?
Today I am just tired. I managed to do pretty well last week at getting things done at school and being around people and seeming ok. Today was not one of those days. I slept until 11 because I was up until 1 binging and purging.. actually didn't fall asleep until after 2. Then I got to school and I think I spent an equal amount of time looking at diet pills online as I did working on schoolwork. I didn't buy any because I know they don't work. I've tried plenty. I really don't know why I spent that long looking at them then, but I did.
I was supposed to go to an AA meeting at 7 with 2 people. I came home to get my book before going to pick one of them up. Once I was at home I called her to make sure she was still going, and she cancelled.. so did the other. Now I still need to leave the apartment to go buy cat litter, and I have this debate in my head about how if I have to go out I might as well binge. So I am just sitting and thinking. I hate this.
My eating pattern is still pretty much either not eat at all or not eat all day and then binge and purge at night. There are occasional days where I will eat a meal or two during the day and then binge and purge at night. If I eat at all, the binging is inevitable. The only way to stop it seems to be to just not eat. And I know that's not logical because I know I've managed to stop it in the past while eating, but this seems the easiest method right now. Even though it could be argued that the constant hunger is contributing to my preoccupation and obsession with food. Lovely cycle, isn't it?
Today I am just tired. I managed to do pretty well last week at getting things done at school and being around people and seeming ok. Today was not one of those days. I slept until 11 because I was up until 1 binging and purging.. actually didn't fall asleep until after 2. Then I got to school and I think I spent an equal amount of time looking at diet pills online as I did working on schoolwork. I didn't buy any because I know they don't work. I've tried plenty. I really don't know why I spent that long looking at them then, but I did.
I was supposed to go to an AA meeting at 7 with 2 people. I came home to get my book before going to pick one of them up. Once I was at home I called her to make sure she was still going, and she cancelled.. so did the other. Now I still need to leave the apartment to go buy cat litter, and I have this debate in my head about how if I have to go out I might as well binge. So I am just sitting and thinking. I hate this.
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