So I had a job interview, which I cannot remember if I mentioned on here before.. and I am really too lazy to check. I didn't tell a lot of people about it. Anyway, I got the job. It's at a toxicology lab.. so basically they do drug screening on samples doctors send them. They have people in charge of actually doing the testing, and then I'm one of the analysts in charge of looking at the readings off the machines. It's part time. Evenings and sundays (not Saturdays at the moment).
I am torn about whether this is good or bad.. I mean it is a good job, and I know 2 people who work there (though that didn't work out too well at the last job.. except I knew that woman was a a bitch she had just never been a bitch to me). It pays really well ($20 an hour to start and then $22 an hour after I am done training). However, I'm still going to be teaching and I am still supposed to be writing. So I will still be at school during the day and then going to work at 5 or 6 pm. How long I'll be there I guess varies depending on number of samples.
It sounded great this morning after the interview.. then progressively over the rest of the day it started to sound terrible. I am not getting stuff done at school. I am trying, and I am getting little bits done, but I am stuck. I cannot seem to keep writing, and I see no way I'm going to graduate in May. I am ok with graduating in August BUT there's an issue I thought of.. I still haven't talked to the professors I need to be on my committee (I need 2 more). I had picked them but then somehow the form never really got signed, and then I made changes to my degree after that.. so I'm fairly certain one is a bad choice now. Mainly because he has only really ever been on committees for people doing actual research thesis (theses is plural?) not the professional paper I'm doing. So I may need to pick someone else.. but then if I may graduate in August I start having to worry about if they're leaving for parts of the summer.
And thinking about any of that is when my brain starts wanting to not exist. Add to that another job... I think I need to talk to my advisor Tuesday and just tell her I'm stuck and tell her my concern and tell her about the job.. and somehow I envision crying because that's what happens if I think about this all too much.
Another issue.. this is going to mess with going to meetings and seeing friends.. which I don't see friends much anymore really.. because I'll be working evenings. Thursdays I'm off, so I can go to therapy. I am thinking about looking for a new therapist now that I'll have more money. I really don't think mine is helping. I can manage some noon meetings and then meetings Saturday.
Plus.. I do have to acknowledge that the eating disorder is a problem. I try to pretend that since I'm still overweight it's no big deal... I'll be honest **TW** I have lost 40 pounds in the past 5-6 months.
I'm still binging and purging at night. I am occasionally eating in the morning now.. still no lunch. One day I ate a very small dinner because I didn't binge.
I tried to buy some groceries today (not binge food), and I failed miserably at it. I eaten these frozen sausage biscuits in the mornings a couple times (they were originally for a binge), but I ran out. I couldn't convince myself to buy them again to actually eat because they have so much fat. The only lower fat ones have both sausage and egg, and I don't like eggs. Every other breakfast food I could think of was sweet, and sweet foods (cereal, granola bars, yogurt, muffins, etc) all seem like binge food and would just set the day up for that. I thought maybe crackers but didn't get any. I was also trying to think of things that didn't need like a fork or spoon because I'm less likely to eat them if it requires me to find clean utensils. So after wandering around Target I ended up buying gum, candy for AA, a new belt because my pants were falling down and it reminded me I wanted one, water, and I did buy some weird chia fruit squeeze thing that i'll take a picture of if I ever decide to eat. So that's the problem.. I probably need to consume calories if I'm going to take on more work. I've been getting dizzy some lately. I think it's dehydration even though I feel like I drink a ton of water. I will try groceries again tomorrow. I have this theory that maybe buying food that doesn't taste good will make it acceptable. It can't be a binge or something indulgent if it tastes bad, right? So maybe I'll go to the natural grocery store lol
Sooo teaching, writing and lab? I hope you pull through, because that sounds a bit hefty.
ReplyDeleteGetting out of a b/p cycle, or my case just the b, is so f***ing hard. Still working on it.
(but at least you've lost 40 pounds, i just keep gaining. this is horrible, but sometimes i wish i could purge.)
That sounds really good. Congrats. It does seem like a lot on top of your current workload though, especially considering your current stresses over graduating. I was also wondering how you'd go getting to meetings with such a busy work/study schedule. At the end of the day I think your health and your education are priority. You're the only one who knows what's best, but it's a little worrying.
ReplyDeleteI hope you had better luck at the grocery today. Could you do toast/English muffins/bagels/bread for breakfast? I'd suggest Vegemite, but even savory toppings like cheese (one girl I know eats toast with cheese and tomato paste for breakfast). Savory muffins are good too if you can find them, like bacon/cheese/herbs.
When you get dizzy, a drink with some sort of sugar might be better than plain water if you can manage it. Whether it's soda or juice or even a sports drink or something, it'll help boost your blood sugars, plus give you a little more energy to help get through the day.
Take care <3
xx