Miserable

I'm sorry I haven't been commenting.. or posting at all really. I haven't had anything nice or particularly healthy to say lately. When I'm not able to force it to think about school, my head is usually a jumble of depression and eating disorder and just insane thinking. And I'm just letting it happen.

My eating pattern is still pretty much either not eat at all or not eat all day and then binge and purge at night. There are occasional days where I will eat a meal or two during the day and then binge and purge at night. If I eat at all, the binging is inevitable. The only way to stop it seems to be to just not eat. And I know that's not logical because I know I've managed to stop it in the past while eating, but this seems the easiest method right now. Even though it could be argued that the constant hunger is contributing to my preoccupation and obsession with food. Lovely cycle, isn't it?


Today I am just tired. I managed to do pretty well last week at getting things done at school and being around people and seeming ok. Today was not one of those days. I slept until 11 because I was up until 1 binging and purging.. actually didn't fall asleep until after 2. Then I got to school and I think I spent an equal amount of time looking at diet pills online as I did working on schoolwork. I didn't buy any because I know they don't work. I've tried plenty. I really don't know why I spent that long looking at them then, but I did.

I was supposed to go to an AA meeting at 7 with 2 people. I came home to get my book before going to pick one of them up. Once I was at home I called her to make sure she was still going, and she cancelled.. so did the other. Now I still need to leave the apartment to go buy cat litter, and I have this debate in my head about how if I have to go out I might as well binge. So I am just sitting and thinking. I hate this.