Is this any better than drinking? At least school is going better...

I added the 2nd bit to the title so you know I have some positive.

But yeah.. eating disorder is going terribly. I last posted on Thursday. Everything kinda crashed and burned after that. Friday I had school, and I was a dumbass (well no.. I will give myself credit, I was a disordered person) and didn't eat breakfast or lunch and only ate a bit of beef jerky around 5pm because I was going to the dog park with my friend L. After that, I went to the 8pm AA meeting (without dinner). I spent the entire meeting thinking about food. So what do I do after? Binge.

What made this especially crazy is that I didn't want to go to the grocery store, so I was going to fast food places, and it was after 9pm so a lot of places were closing. So I'm driving around trying to figure out where is open. I don't drive at night well when I'm that hungry and tired. I eat at a few places and go home and purge and go to bed.

I get up Saturday and go to AA. No, I don't eat breakfast or lunch because again.. I'm not very intelligent or sane. So I repeat said process. Except, now it's daytime.. so I get to go to different places. I was also petsitting for my parents, so I go to their house after.

Sunday, I go to church and lunch. I purge lunch. I don't know why.. I didn't even eat all of it because I didn't like it. Then I went to AA at 6. I was going to stay for the meeting at 8, but I kept thinking about food and restaurants that would be closing, so I left.

Monday, I just didn't eat. Today, I ate breakfast and.. well lunch sort of (not what a normal person would consider lunch) and now I'm binging again because I went to AA starving again.

I've wasted probably $75 on binge food when I really can't afford it. It's fucking ridiculous. I know what I need to do is eat actual meals, but I don't exactly have real food in the apartment. I have rice cakes, beef jerky, fruit cups.. eating disorder food.

But in other news.. school stuff is progressing at least. Still not confident of my organizational system. I still have 1 main outline. I have a notepad of handwritten notes on articles that's faster to flip through than opening pdf files. My outline on retroviruses is 3 pages long now and includes the basics on the major genes, the first 2 generations of vectors, some on the viral life cycle.. and some I can't remember without opening it. Now I'm reading actual articles on trials where they were used. Then I will tackle the next virus. The days when I sit around at AA for hours I load articles on my tablet and read them there. Hard to focus, so I mostly read review articles.. but it's something productive.

I kept getting distracted today looking at recipes for dinner tomorrow since I'm going to a friend's house. Again, eating might help. I'm also going a little crazy because I found out yesterday that a good friend of mine from AA tried to kill herself last week. She's alive.. I mean I found this out from her (I heard the rumor from someone else but after I had already seen my friend that day). It's just scary. It's also weird because it puts those thoughts in my head. I'm not actively suicidal, but I do always think that I wouldn't eat/binge/purge this way if I just wanted to lose weight.. there is a sort of death wish in it. Hard to deny that.