Because the prospect of sobriety and school starting and all that isn't enough, I am once again dealing with financial aid shit. Except, truly with no warning this time.
If you weren't reading then, this past fall semester I was told that because I did not have satisfactory academic progress (basically I had registered for too many hours without graduating) I could not get student loans through the government. Realize, I am talking about loans not scholarships. I am talking unsubsidized loans where I even pay interest on them. If you don't live in the U.S. I invite you to consider the logic? of this. If you live here, you probably know. So basically, I would be forced to get private loans, which are through a bank rather than the department of education, at a much higher interest late, with less options as far as lowering or postponing payments if you are poor when you are expected to start repaying.. or to get the head of the department to appeal.
After a very stressful few days, the department chair 1. Appealed to the graduate school so that because I was teaching more than is normally expected of grad students I was required to register for less and 2. Contacted financial aid and received confirmation that i was registered for enough to receive aid and my financial aid had been extended.
So, after some more stress and mess involving paperwork that just didn't get handled properly (not my fault at all), I received the letter that comes I think from the department of education that states how much I am eligible to receive in loans. I know my memory is shit, but I know it contained loans for both Fall 2014 and Spring 2015. I went through the school website and accepted the loans for both semesters (you technically have the chance to borrow less than the max offered).
So I thought this was all fine. I was good for the academic year. Except recently I was having problems with registering for classes.
I realized after a couple years (or maybe sooner) that there were some major flaws in the school I am attending. One is that there are not enough classes offered.
If you are teaching, you need to be registered for 6 hours per semester which is 2 classes. What is required is 30 hours. 5 semesters I suppose. I know nobody who has graduated that fast. I admit, I should have finished sooner. Mainly, I should have given up on research sooner. I wasted at least 2 semesters on dying cells and a professor in complete denial and blame about the whole situation where I could accomplish NOTHING (this seriously makes me want to cry now).
Ok, so onto the current problem, I am trying to register for this semester and there is only 1 thing I see offered I have not taken. I am registered, but there is no time or day listed for it, so I have no idea if it will fit with my work schedule. I have no idea if it will actually exist. I might be able to register for another class at another location. Need to find that out in addition to the rest of this.
Well, I am trying to figure out if I can register for the class at the other location because sometimes things show up in the search that we need special permission to take. So I am trying to see and tell a friend if this is one. Well, I notice that it will let me register, but now it has me not registered for 2 classes I had previously registered for (which is still an issue). Well, I re-register. It takes a while to wonder if it has to do with financial aid. You can get dropped for not paying. I look, and the loans aren't there. I check in several places. I finally look and that letter that tells what I've received, is a letter dated today January 5th.
WHAT THE FUCK?? I received no notice of this. No explanation. No warning. I emailed the department chair. She asked if I emailed financial aid... so I remembered I should ask them (even though this will probably involve her). I am admittedly in a better position this time. I have rent paid for this month. I have enough to pay the 1/4 of tuition required to be paid this week which gives me times to get private loans.
It just sucks. I don't need this. I already have that nagging thought that if I don't graduate in May I will kill myself. that is if I even last till then. If I don't stop drinking and if I don't clean my apartment (which is really not as shallow as it sounds), I may not last until May. I don't want to talk about that.
So instead, let's talk about my gerbil. My poor, stressed gerbil. My main experience with small rodents is with a hamster. When we got him, He was relatively ok with being picked up.. with running around on tables or desks. Admittedly, he eventually developed a taste for human flesh, but that was mostly after I moved away and left him with my mom. I really didn't have the space or means at the time to have him and a cat. My mom's next 2 gerbils (the 1st died after almost 2 years of we presume old age) were mean and fast, so I didn't touch them.
The gerbil... I am trying hard to believe (after reading a lot) that at some point I will be able to hold her. My mom's 2nd couple of hamsters were a type of dwarf hamsters that are usually fast and mean, so that had nothing to do with me. So far.. the gerbil has bitten me a few times. The 1st was the 1st day I brought her home. The 2nd was when she jumped/fell? out of her cage and I had to catch her on the floor. No blame there. Since then I have been cautious. Feeding her treats through the bars of the cage or occasionally through the door. The door has to do with how she got out.. so hesitant there.
Well, I needed to clean the cage, and I thought this method made sense. I was wrong. Her cage has 2 levels. My goal was to keep her on the 2nd floor in the burrow she built and remove the bedding from the 1st. Well, this worked for a while even though she kept trying to get down. Eventually she did, but there was no bedding and it was not clean enough. I had to wait until she went up again to clean a bit more and put in more bedding, a toilet paper cardboard thing (she loves shredding them), a chew thing, and some food). Later I had to add food. Now I am going nowhere near it until I hope she is calm. She took an almond through the cage. Is it weird that I am worried about the gerbil being stressed? I feel like a bad person if she is scared because of me cleaning, but seriously poop everywhere.
Next time I intend to move her to a travel carrier or something first. I tried today but not until she was stressed and I could not figure out a safe transfer that didn't involve further trauma or further risk of escape. So I will be a better gerbil mom. I will be a good cat mom. I will hopefully figure out all this school shit that I still think makes no sense. I originally had hoped to stay sober, so I texted my sponsor and went to her house. I went to her house and still ended up drinking, but I didn't hurt myself or do anything suicidal, which is better than a lot of thoughts I was having checking all the emails and websites today. So victory.. who knows? Try again tomorrow, yes.
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