So begins another semester

There are other things I should be doing right now.. and I feel bad because this keyboard is loud and I'm in a computer lab. But.. kinda very stressed, hungry, and stressed.. so I'll update

I don't think I've written in a few days. Things have been up and down. I haven't had a drink since Thursday. Friday night was rough. Really high blood pressure, pretty much no sleep. Plus, I still actually had alcohol (not much) in the apartment. Saturday was a bit better. I went to AA and then my sponsor's house.

It was a bit awkward.. she made dinner. Her daughters were there and 3 others from AA. They were all at the table, and when offered I said I'd eat later. Well, basically everyone kept getting extra servings, so there was none left. I'm not sure if I intended to eat. I definitely was not going to eat at the table with everyone. But I think at least one person felt bad, but I said it was fine. I snacked on some crackers and a soda (mainly because I was fairly dizzy when I did get out of my chair). I ate some when I got home though.

Food today is not going too well. I didn't sleep well last night. I kept coughing. Then this morning I was depressed and didn't want to get up. I finally did aroung 11. I intended to be at school around noon. I walked around getting ready, and there was nothing I wanted to take to school to eat. I (this may no longer be true) have class at 4 until possibly 7, so I needed to take something. But I didn't want any of it. I have yet to be able to heat up and eat food at school. I can take food that requires no preparation, but I didn't have much. I found a granola bar, and I ate 4 crackers while I took my meds.

Well, why I am more stressed now. I am registered for a class that I admittedly have no desire to take. I am registered because I need to be registered for 6 hours to teach/work and this is all I haven't taken. I registered in a panic before going inpatient in december. The professor who is essentially in charge of me asked when I emailed her about registration if I was able to register for less and focus on writing, I said no. I know I probably should have put of registration or gone to see her last week, but she did not when I emailed her offer an alternative to this class.

I got to talk to my teaching/work boss. She mentions that she spoke to this other professor and that the other professor didn't like the idea of me taking this class (neither does work boss). So.. now I get to talk to this professor. And if you have read this long enough you know this is a pattern.. put of talking to her until the thought of speaking to her causes panic. Mainly because I have been avoiding her, but also at this point because I should have gotten a lot more done last semester. It is not entirely my fault that I didn't. And the fact that I didn't is why she doesn't want me taking this class, but I still feel ashamed about it. Anyway.. she gets done teaching in another 15-20 minutes. I am hoping to find her between then and when I am supposed to have class.

I am tired. I am not optimistic about this semester. This is how I see it ending
1. I do not finish and I drop out ashamed and jobless or face the shame of telling someone I dropped out
2. I drop out and kill myself rather than face that
3. I do graduate but cannot find a job in time and cannot keep my apartment