An update and some honesty **ED trigger warning**

So I did talk to my professor/advisor. I ended up dropping the class I'm taking, so I am only teaching and writing now. The deadline for my paper if I want to graduate in May is March 23rd, which is when it would have to be given to my committee. Then first week of April would be my defense. There's various other deadlines after that if there needs to be more editing. It seems possible.

Honestly since then, I've gone a little (or a lot) crazy. It had been coming. I had not been fully honest about some of this. I have been visiting various eating disorder related websites. One is this fascinating forum for parents/family of primarily children with eating disorders.. which I read out of morbid curiosity mostly. There is so much they do not understand about what goes on in our heads. They're so convinced if we eat it all gets better and it's not a mental thing.

The other is worse. The other is not recovery oriented. I am not giving details.

It has been affecting my brain.. I've felt more guilty eating. It contributed to some of the binging and purging. And honestly ED thinking contributes to the drinking because drinking makes me think about food and drinking makes me forget about food.

Well, since I haven't been drinking, I've gone a bit crazy with food. I didn't have to eat as much. Monday-Wednesday averaged 500 calories a day. I thought I was going to faint teaching Tuesday.. the room kinda started swimming.. I had been eating this granola bar.. 1/3 before my 1st class, 1/3 after, and the last when that happened. Thankfully it was when I could excuse myself. I managed to get through. There were a few other times over those days I felt dizzy.

Today I had to eat with my parents so I had more. But anyway, on top of that, I have basically been alternating research, writing, and checking that website. I watch some tv, read a few other sites, check facebook, and check that website. It's gotten a bit crazy.

I went shopping last night with a girl from AA mainly for school supplies, but we walked through the grocery section.. she had made the comment "I shouldn't make you grocery shop if you're not hungry" because I had admittedly lied that I wasn't hungry and that's why I'd been eating so little.. and she was so patient with my insanity. I said I wanted granola bars. Then I gave up. I couldn't buy any. The one I had Tuesday had been a random single buy. None of them seem right otherwise, and I can't really explain what my requirements are.

I stopped to look at fruit cups, and I was looking at pears, but the ones I had already were an even number of calories (a multiple of ten) and the bran they had were a multiple of 5 and that math gets my head a lot more wrapped up unless I have another 5. It's an OCD thing more than an ED thing. I finally found peaches. She bought groceries too.

So that's the honesty of how the ED is going. It was initially a slow descent, and it seemed voluntary. Now it's different. I told myself I should eat something extra before therapy and my parents house when I was wandering around a grocery store. I kept picking things up and telling myself no. I would think yes and then no.  Things that were normally fine. Things like an 80 calorie piece of cheese (This has been a mental argument twice this week).


I told my therapist about restricting and counting calories. Her (I know this is rude) idiotic answer was that if I wanted to count just count to 1800 at least and keep track of that. Seriously? I guess I didn't mention some of the other stuff. It's hard to explain the mental insanity. I am just so in my head. I find myself talking aloud to myself more too (not like to voices, thinking out loud). I also keep staying up late watching movies. I'm exhausted.