Monday, July 2, 2018

Exhausted

I am really struggling the past week with exhaustion. I am just so tired physically and mentally. I try very hard to maintain an illusion of normalcy, which includes not napping and not sleeping late or going to bed before 11. When I was drinking, I spent most of my time in bed, so I don't want my parents to think that I am drinking.. or to find out I am not taking my Wellbutrin, which is probably why I am tired.

I also just want to say my parents are driving me crazy. They are arguing so much. I am not sure who is at fault because they both seem to get angry over little things. I refuse to get involved because it's not my fight and I hate conflict. Still, I am walking on eggshells trying not to cause anything. My mom complains to me about my dad, and I just listen and nod because I hate taking sides. I am honestly worried sometimes they will separate, and I will have to pick where to stay or end up with nowhere. I also worry it is somehow my fault.

In better news, I finally have an appointment to talk to someone about the disability appeal. I am hoping they can help. My case worker also asked if I was ready to work on the insane thoughts. I still don't know what to tell her and where to start because it's all so normal to me but I know it's not normal. It's the first she's mentioned working on anything serious and not just mindfulness and meditation. Those are valid but not really enough to do on my own and make it better. I am worried that I will reach a point where I will do some of the stuff I think about. So now I just have to figure out what to tell her and hope that it helps.

I really want to drink. I am too afraid to drink the vodka without knowing I can get more, so I am trying to think how to get a second bottle. I am back to where I can't imagine life with or without alcohol. I am avoiding texting my sponsor. I just don't know how willing I am to change. Right now I am just tired.

Thursday, June 28, 2018

How to stop digging

I haven't had much to write lately. Things are mostly the same. In my head there is this constant debated about if I am crazy or sane. If I am sane, am I just thinking I am crazy as an excuse for being a worthless, useless, lazy human being? I am constantly questioning the reality of my problems. Logically, I had depression and bulimia before the alcoholism. I was hospitalized several times before I started drinking and was hospitalized once when I was a year sober. Yes somehow I feel like being sober means I should be back to full functioning. I should be sane now that the alcohol is gone. The problem is that I can see the signs I am still crazy, but I am getting totally mixed signals from others about it.

The main problems I am dealing with are the fact that I am fucking around with my meds.. mostly just taking half my dose of Wellbutrin, but I have also hoarded seroquel to take extra. I also am not throwing the Wellbutrin away. I am sort of stockpiling it. I really want to stop taking more of my meds, but I haven't been able to decide what to do. Plus, I don't want to have to admit to it.. and right now I could probably safely go back to the full dose. If I stop more of the meds, I might have to slowly increase again which would involve the doctor knowing. I am leaning towards manipulating the doctor to take me off more meds. Then the other problem is the eating disorder. I am still purging pretty frequently. I have cut back on laxatives because I don't want to run out, but I am still purging almost everyday.

The mixed signals has a lot to do with my case worker. She seems to push for me applying for jobs, but when I express my concern about working she will say that there's no pressure. I really wish I could get someone to give me a concrete opinion on if I should be working or applying for disability because I don't know. I just know my head is not healthy. I mean I nearly started crying the other day when my mom said we wouldn't go to the grocery store that day but would go on the weekend. I was upset at the change to the plan in my head for the day (and also because that would mean my dad would be there and they would probably argue). I get upset and overwhelmed any time I can't plan my day just right. What is going to happen if I have a bad day at work? Am I going to go back to crying in the bathroom and self harming at work to appear sane? Then doesn't it make sense to try to get better before I do that? Except.. I am not getting better.

The thing is that I have a lot on my mind. I have less than a month to decide if I should appeal the disability decision.. my case worker has said multiple times that she was emailing someone to contact me about help with it. I have waited weeks and heard nothing. I am going to have to figure out some other way to find a lawyer. I am also dealing with a lawsuit about the 16K I owe on a credit card. I contacted legal aid about that and probably filing bankruptcy. I have to wait to see if they will help me, and I don't think I can go through them for that and the disability stuff all at once because it would take so much of their time. This is going to ruin my credit, but it's pretty much ruined anyway because of all the bills that have gone to collections. I am thinking about this everyday trying to decide what I need to be doing and if I am just being lazy or really can't do anything at the moment. I am afraid of having to meet with strangers and talk about all of this shit that I am ashamed of.

And what I really want is to just have enough money to get out of my parents house, and then I can drink myself to death. I still have vodka in my closet, but I am afraid to drink it and not be able to get more if I decide to die. I am reminded often of my drinking days.. and I miss them? I miss not knowing if it was day or night when I woke up and drank to fall back asleep. I miss never getting out of bed. I miss being weak and sick and barely able to walk up the stairs. I miss it, and I feel like i am just waiting until I can go back. That's why it is hard to want to do anything. I know that if I get to be self sufficient again, I am going to go back to digging this hole I was in. Every time I thought I hit bottom, I would go to treatment or stop for a bit and then just dig myself deeper. Every bottom was lower. I know the final one is death, so I sometimes want to speed the process up. I just want to skip to the end result.

But I feel like I have no one to talk to. I have no one to tell me that I am sick and need help and to help me get it. I mean I have my case worker, but I guess I don't want to tell her and have her not help. I don't think there are resources for me to get help. In IOP, I only have a few minutes a week to check in, so there's no time to talk about what's really going on. I am too busy finding lawyers and sorting out my other shit that I have no energy to see if there's more mental health services out there that would help me. I have no money, so I am lucky to have what I have. I really want my parents to leave for a few days so I can recharge by spending my time in bed and not having to act like I am social and normal and healthy. It's exhausting. That or I want to drink to turn my brain off for a while.

Thursday, June 14, 2018

Inside my head

I am really struggling. I haven't posted because I really don't know what to say. I think I am bothered by the disparity between my outside life and my inside life. To the outside world, I think I appear to be functioning. Inside my head, I can clearly tell that I am self destructing. There's a lot going on that makes this apparent to me.

I am incredibly frustrated with the therapist from IOP. He is terrible at communicating things or assuming that they're understood. Like he let me go several extra weeks at IOP (3x a week) when I should have dropped to SOP (2x a week). He said he assumed I knew and just wanted the extra accountability. Then he normally says SOP lasts about 10 weeks. Well after far less than that, he tells me I am out of sessions... and he says this like I should have known that was my last day. He ended up giving me one more individual session.. and when I came for that he seemed surprised I hadn't come Monday and Tuesday.. I'm like.. you told me once a week? So yeah.. it's very frustrating. He seemed to think it was odd that I wasn't excited about this, and I tried to hint at the fact that I am NOT doing well with regards to my mental health and other than this group, I only see my case worked every 2 weeks for 30min. I love my case worker, but it is very hard to accomplish anything in that time. So dropping down to once a week means getting very little help when my mental health is clearly getting worse. Except I don't think he sees that. He also has asked me a couple times about if I was looking for a job or if my parents expected me to find a job. I will get to that in a minute, but he didn't seem to understand why I am anxious about that and why I applied for disability. I don't want to get a job and fall apart and end up losing it anyway. In group, I just say in general that I am struggling with depression and stuff because it's a substance abuse group.. I don't feel it's appropriate to talk about the depression, the eating disorder, the self harm.. but other patients have been commenting that I look unhappy. They seem to understand it better.

I don't know if i wrote yet that my disability application was turned down. I had been told to expect that, but it was still really hard. The decision said stuff about how I am being treated for the depression and should be able to manage it with medication. Well.. I am not taking all my medications. I keep playing around with not taking all my wellbutrin. I also have a stash of a couple other medications that I am taking at random for sleep. It wasn't because of the disability decision. I started it because I had reached a point where I wasn't really depressed but I certainly wasn't happy. It feels safe for me to be depressed than to be numb. But since I started this, I have started self harming again. I also have a stockpile of meds and a bottle of vodka hidden. That's not normal behavior.

Since all this.. the suicidal thoughts are worse. No plan at the moment, but I know that the vodka is there as a backup. I haven't told anyone that the pills and vodka are a suicide backup plan.. I think they think I just plan to drink if it gets to be too much. The consequences are potentially serious enough, that I know I can't drink if I want to stay alive.

The eating disorder is still there. I am purging daily. I have been getting very upset if anything interferes with the time I set aside to pace the house or jog in place to get my steps. I spend a lot of time thinking about all of this. I am also eating compulsively.. especially at night. The self loathing is pretty deep at this point. I feel completely worthless.

So then.. because all of this isn't bad enough. I mean I am at least still doing what I am supposed to. I am not drinking. I am going to meetings. I am stumbling over how to tell or text my sponsor about how i am doing. I went to see an employment counselor and at least applied for one job since then. I still am not sure that I can do it.. like it causes instant panic to think about working. I have been reading back through my old posts and my old instagram posts and I can see how crazy I was for a long time before they fired me. I also kind of miss it. I miss the insanity of drinking and spending my days in bed. I miss not having to pretend to function. Anyway, tonight my parents hand me something that was left on the door about someone trying to serve me with papers. I am sure it is regarding some debt collector... I have all sorts of debt collectors calling me. I have been ignoring them because I have $0.. actually less than no money. Now my parents want me to call legal aid... I've kind of known I would eventually end up filing bankruptcy because I owe tens of thousands of dollars and have no income. Still.. my first thought tonight involved a bottle of pills and vodka. I can't handle this on top of everything else. I mean.. I don't even know how many bills I have out there. I might be able to list the hospitals, but there are so many bills.

I just don't see myself coming back from all this. I feel like I am delaying the inevitable by pretending I am going to live. I don't see myself able to regain independence, and I cannot spend my life living with my parents. I just want to give up. And having no insurance means I am seeing someone every 2 weeks for 30 minutes.. and that's probably all the help I can get unless it becomes a crisis. Sorry.. that sounds ungrateful. I know it could be so much worse. I just don't want to be doing any of this.

Sunday, May 13, 2018

Higher power

I know I haven't been updating. I am having trouble making sense of things lately. In some ways things are good or getting better, but in others I am getting worse.

Mainly my head is not getting better. I am exhausted much of the time. I am overwhelmed by the thought of doing anything different from my routine.. mainly the thought of finding a job. I mean I still rely on my parents for transportation, and it isn't likely to improve my financial situation any time soon. I can't even begin to figure out what to do about the debt I have. I am really fed up with people. I look forward to any time I am alone in the house because it is calm and I don't have to worry about what my parents are thinking.

My sponsor.. is doing her best, but I can't wrap my head around working the steps. She wants me to pray, but I am not on speaking terms with god. I don't believe in the whole finding a god of my understanding because logically I know that you can't just create a deity to fit your needs. Not everyone who creates a concept of god can be right. I believe in a god that created things, but trying to have any relationship with him hasn't really helped. Right now my higher power is my parents and my treatment team because I don't want the consequences of relapse. I am doing what is asked of me, but I don't see how this is going to work. I still think about drinking many times each day. I think about when I can go get it, how I can not get caught, but I have so far chosen to wait. But I feel a relapse coming.

It doesn't help all this that the eating disorder is bad. I am purging 2-3 times a day. I am using laxatives a couple times a week. I can't stand feeling full, and I am just stuck in the cycle of eating and feeling uncomfortable and purging. I think about food a lot. The last couple times I was home alone I binged. I know this is probably why I am exhausted.

But I am 3 months sober and out of the hospital. I am just exhausted and depressed and just trying to survive. I just want the freedom to drink myself to death.

Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Outside issues

I feel like since this past weekend it has become much more apparent that I am not doing so well. I mean I had a sense last week that things were going downhill, but I was generally feeling ok sometimes. Since the huge fight my parents had Saturday, I just haven't bounced back.

The most obvious thing is that I have been purging at least once a day. I'm not binging, but any large meal makes me feel so fat and gross and I end up purging or taking laxatives. It's at the point where I am using laxatives 2-3 time a week (although no more than the max dose) and vomiting daily. Today I ate lunch with my mom. When I got home, I waited until my mom went to take a nap and then purged like 4 times because I couldn't get everything up. Now my throat is sore and my face feels all puffy. Logically, I know the solution is to eat less.. but I am just continuing to stress eat. I know my head is not in a great place because I am eating a lot when no one is watching because I know it's emotional eating and not because of hunger. I also know that a lot of the stress causing this is just my parents and the fear that any little thing will cause another argument, and I don't like conflict.

The depression is also very present. I feel like I am sinking sometimes. I really mainly look forward to going to bed at night. I have had urges to OD and to self harm. I have given in to the self harm urges. I have a small stockpile of medication in my room. I am afraid that my parents will get rid of the medications I no longer take, and then I will not have anything if I decide to OD. I justify it by telling myself that it is all my medication. I just am supposed to have a week's worth at a time, and I am not supposed to be able to access what's locked up. Except, I figured out months back what the combination to those locks is, so I went in when nobody was around and got some seroquel and doxepin. I also took some gabapentin to help me sleep on the nights I have trouble. I just need a backup plan. Probably the mixture of the bulimia and screwing around with my meds is not helping my emotional wellbeing.

The issue is that I don't know how to tell anyone all of this. I mean IOP is really mostly for chemical dependency. While he says it's a dual diagnosis program, nobody else seems to have or talk about serious mental health issues. I don't know what's appropriate to discuss. I don't want to trigger anyone. I also don't want to get kicked out for being too sick or have them tell my parents (which they could if they think I am a danger to myself). I see a case worker but haven't talked about how bad things really are because it's been a couple weeks since I have seen her. This week she was out sick, so of course I get to wait another week. I just know realistically that I don't have insurance, so I am stuck with whatever care they offer. That is basically IOP for alcohol and my case worker for 30 minutes every week or two. I doubt they will offer anything unless I am in crisis, and I don't think this is a crisis?

In AA, I really speak very little about anything. I have been texting my sponsor, but the last time I spoke to her was when she called because she was struggling. I have spoken a little with one other girl who goes to the later meetings. Yesterday was the first time I spoke in a meeting that she was there for (and my 2nd time talking overall). She said that was great. Today she was there and asked how I was doing. I said I was struggling, but I didn't know what to say when she asked what was going on. I don't want to unload all this on someone I barely know especially when it is not about alcohol. She did ask for my phone number and gave me hers. I don't think she would judge me, but I was just too worn out tonight to try to explain any of this. With my sponsor, I don't know what the place of all this is. AA is really about alcohol. Mental health is rarely discussed in meetings or literature. That means I don't know if I should discuss it. I have had someone basically say I need to work the steps for my eating disorder separate (and previously that was what was said for the self harm). So I have never done the full 12 steps for any of these things, and it's overwhelming to consider doing that once. I think part of what didn't work the last time in rehab was trying to work the steps and be fully honest about my alcoholism but also have to hide the extent of the depression (because I would have been sent to another hospital and have to stop working on the steps for the alcohol).

Really, I want to drink. I daily contemplate drinking the rubbing alcohol that my dad bought. I just don't want to risk having to either 1. admit it in IOP and have to explain to my parents why I am either in IOP longer or have them recommend residential and have to explain that or 2. Lie about it for the rest of my time in IOP and probably get no benefit. So now I just have it in my head that if I drink it will probably be as part of a suicide attempt. I don't think I am quite there, but I am trying to think of how/when I could at least buy the vodka.. that way I would have it when it gets to that point. Or if it gets to that point.. I am just exhausted and feeling hopeless. I feel like I just need a few days to sleep and be alone and maybe get back to where I have the energy for life.

Tuesday, April 24, 2018

Honesty

Sorry I am not updating much. Things are just always the same. I don't have a lot going on.

I wanted to complain and get an opinion (if anyone feels like commenting) about an issue I have encountered with IOP. We have assignments we are given to work on. One of them is this packet that asks a bunch of questions about your family, your childhood, your work, etc. It's kind of a life history. I actually appreciate this having so many questions because that is easier for me than to just have to explain what my life is like. Particularly explaining my family is challenging because on the surface they are a normal loving family, but deeper down there's some dysfunction.

So I have pretty much finished the packet, and we present it a bit at a time because of how long it was. Well, every time I have presented a piece someone has commented on or complimented me on my honesty. Except, it started out as compliments on being so honest. Last time a couple people said that I was brutally honest, and I started to wonder if they were trying to tell me it was too much. Today someone actually seemed to say (I can't remember his words) that I was too honest. Except, isn't honesty the point? I mean I am not like giving graphic details of my sex life (which I basically said is non existent and only when I was drinking) or some kind of trauma that might be triggering (I did mention the girl threatening me with a knife in 3rd grade but that's the closest to trauma I have). I haven't given details about self harm or the eating disorder.. only said they were problems. I have mentioned the hospital stays but not really gone into how many I have.. but it's an important part of my life since I have been so many times. So I am kind of unsure what to do about this.

I am naturally an honest person. I hate lying. I used to dissociate in therapy because it was the only way I could be ok with lying so much as a teenager. Through the depression and eating disorder and alcoholism I became a very dishonest person, and I hate that. My thing now in recovery is that I will not force myself to be dishonest. I won't lie and say I am eager about recovery or that I don't want to drink or that I am happy. I do not believe in the whole fake it till you make it concept because I spent so many of my younger years pretending I was fine. Now I am allowing myself to not be ok. Part of that is that I am answering questions honestly. I told the therapist for group upfront that I was largely sober because of the cameras around my parents yard and them supervising me. I have admitted that I still want to drink and that I am sober because of the consequences drinking would have. Maybe that's what I am not supposed to say? I just hated when I was in rehab that everyone said they were so happy to be in recovery and they didn't want to drink anymore. I find it hard to believe they were that happy.

I recently heard someone in a meeting say that the "alcoholic who is still suffering" doesn't always mean the ones that still drink. People suffer in sobriety. People kill themselves in sobriety (I was sober I think when I attempted last year). That shit in our heads has to come out for it to go away.. or that's my belief. So I don't see the problem with being brutally honest? I guess I will ask the therapist to be sure that I didn't say anything bad. I have had several talks with my sponsor about how mental health issues are not always talked about by people in the program. I think of my drinking as secondary.. the mental health problems started first, so I feel I have to talk about them. Depression and anxiety will drive me back to drinking if I don't acknowledge them. And right now, I am not ok. I don't have time to explain that now, but I am not doing well. I am sober, but I am struggling.. so fuck anyone who is bothered by my honesty. Several others did say they appreciate it because it prompts them to look at themselves. Maybe some people just don't want to do that? But it's the point of treatment. Anyways.. I just needed to vent

Friday, April 13, 2018

Day after day

I am sorry I haven't updated recently. I don't know what to say. I am really struggling with the idea that I am doing a little better because I don't entirely want to feel better. I don't want to get my hopes up. I don't want to have everyone thinking I am better when my head is still fucked up.

I am still in IOP. It is so repetitive and honestly frustrating. There are various worksheets that get assigned. I hate worksheets. I also really disliked that some are 12 step based and ask questions about steps I am not ready for. I got stuck working on one that had questions about how and why I turned my will and life over to a higher power. I said that I am not ready to do that. I believe in god, but I have issues with the idea of a relationship with god. The therapist gave me some bs about writing a letter to a higher power or acting like there is some ideal god.. and I decided to basically write the answers with my parents and my treatment team as the higher power because really that's what is forcing me to do all this recovery shit. I got feedback complimenting my honesty and sticking to my beliefs. I don't know.

I want to drink. I want to self destruct. I have hidden pills in my room just in case. I am still purging and spending hours each day on eating disorder websites. I obsess over wanting alcohol and over food. I am sick of it.

I finally had to get a sponsor because it is required for IOP. It's honestly so stressful keeping up with the little things she tells me to read or do.

I am really only doing IOP (3x week), meetings (everyday), seeing my case worker (weekly), and then reading and writing and running errands with my parents... but it's so much? Add in hours online and endless pacing to get exercise. Oh and walking to the grocery store for laxatives. I got a call Monday about setting up a job interview, and I panicked. I  was scared of what would happen if I added a job. But I am broke too. All I have is one credit card to use. I got some cash to keep as a just in case. I didn't call back about the job, but I did return another call about my disability application.. because I think that's a better bet. My sponsor seemed to agree after I tried to explain it all to her. Basically, I don't want to look for work until I am done with IOP.

I don't know. I am over 2 months sober and out of the hospital, which is a record for the past year. I sent a picture of my 2 month chip to my ex sponsor and my friend B because I haven't talked to them.. well since my ex sponsor basically said she couldn't talk to me.. that was in November. I still think I would take any chance I could to drink. I am just telling myself that it will be easier when I earn a little more trust. My parents are finally trusting me to go out to dinner and leave me home. Only I binged and purged instead of going to the liquor store when they did.

So that was a lot of randomness. I apologize. It's late, but I wanted to write something.