Awkward appointment

 So I saw the physicians assistant who does my psych meds today. I actually like this guy, which is a lot more than I could say for the last person I was seeing. He asked how I was doing, and I said I'm ok in what I thought was a pretty convincing voice. He said I seemed down, so I guess not so convincing. I explained how I had stopped taking my Wellbutrin for a few days, and obviously he asked why. I tried to awkwardly explain the logic that I was having a lot of self destructive thoughts, but that my mood didn't match. So you know.. logically.. I should make my mood worse to make it match my thoughts. Then I quickly add that this is something I have done frequently in the past, which is true. Thankfully, he didn't try to argue with my logic, and I said I did take it today. I took it mostly because despite having 2 cups of coffee and 2 cans of diet soda and a diet pill, I am still so tired I could cry. Oh and I slept like 10 hours last night. 

I also explained how I don't think it is going to work with the therapist I am seeing. I didn't get into my issues with her style because that's not really the issue. The issue is that sometimes her schedule is so full that I would go 3 weeks to a month without therapy, and I said that I'm not exactly doing well enough to be going without therapy. He totally agreed with me, and he sent a message to someone to see if I could start seeing someone else who he thinks is more available. She also does EMDR, which I am not totally sold on but was willing to try. He asked if things had been going ok with the other therapist, and I basically said it was too early to tell. I'm afraid to sound critical of therapists because in the past my parents have acted like it's my fault that therapy wasn't working because I was either lying or not trying. I'm afraid if I say that it's not working that he'll assume I just wasn't willing to try. So now my appointments with the current therapist have been cancelled, and I see someone new next week. I am seriously hoping this person will do more than say "tell me more about that."

I'm going to be honest for a second, so I guess trigger warning. My head is totally fucked up. I have this stockpile of pills that I have gathered for various reasons (like I didn't take my meds because I was nauseous but didn't want anyone to know so I hid them). I keep thinking about ODing, but I come up with reasons not to do it yet. Like I don't want to do it before we're supposed to have dinner with my brother because I don't want to screw up those plans.. or I'm supposed to have an optometrist appointment on Monday.. or now I have this new therapist appointment. I still think about it though... a lot. The thoughts have been going on for weeks now, which is what prompted me to mess with my meds and sabotage things more. I honestly can't tell if I'm suicidal or just self destructive or if it really matters which it is. Today I am too tired to do anything. I am just going through the motions until I can collapse into bed at 10. 

So I get points for being more honest than not during my appointment today. I admitted to cutting as well. I lied about how bad the thoughts are. In my defense, I do not have an actual plan to do anything, so I didn't really lie. All I can really do is go through the motions and take things one day at a time. The PA did increase my lithium, so maybe that will make some difference.. and maybe I'll start taking the Wellbutrin again. That could help with the exhaustion. I can't handle the exhaustion. Caffeine is hardly making a dent in it. I'm rambling now... so I'll stop.