Disabled

 Please if anyone reads this and has some kind of negative opinion about people being on disability, just keep it to your self. Let's not criticize the suicidal girl, ok? Feedback is always welcome, but I know this is a touchy topic. 

Back in May or June of 2020, I was inpatient followed by 2 suicide attempts. I was actually in that hospital for 18 days, which is pretty much unheard of here, but things were just that bad. While I was there, my parents suggested I get a disability attorney and try applying again. I applied back in 2017 or 2018, and I was denied. It took so long to hear back that basically I had gotten enough better that they said I wasn't sick enough. I'm paraphrasing because I don't remember the actual decision. Anyway, my parents said I should get an attorney because almost no one gets approved in this state. Of course, I then went to residential and then inpatient and then residential again, so it wasn't until November 2020 that I found an attorney and applied. 

Then I waited. 

I mean there was some things that happened.. mainly I had to continue to update my case manager at the attorney's office about when I was in treatment and what doctor I was seeing. In October of 2021 (so almost a year later), I had a video call with a psychologist to basically ask me a bunch of questions and then he reports back to the disability office. Here I made the mistake of mentioning my alcoholism. I tried to be very clear that I haven't been drinking regularly during the time since I have been "disabled." As bad as 2020 was, I lost my job in February, and since then I drank on less than 10 days. Pretty much all those days correspond to my suicide attempts or suicide plans. In 2021, I drank in March or April, once in September, and once in December. 

Still, in January 2022, I finally got a decision. Of course it was denied, which I expected. What matters to me is the reason. 

"You said you were unable to work as of 02/14/2020 because of major depression and anxiety. 

We have determined that you are not entitled to disability benefits. We have reviewed the facts in your case and decided that drug addiction and/or alcoholism is a contributing factor material to a finding of disability. This means you would not be disabled if you stopped using drugs and/or alcohol. Therefore, we cannot consider you disabled under the law."

I am not going to pretend I am not an alcoholic. I am not going to deny I have lost a job because of alcoholism... although it was a little complicated. The fact is that I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety 10 years before I started drinking. I was depressed before the alcoholism. I was depressed during periods of sobriety. I was severely depressed the times I was in treatment in 2020 and 2021, and obviously I wasn't drinking while I was in residential/inpatient. My depression is not caused by my alcoholism. I mainly drank in the past 2 years because I was suicidal, and it's a lot less difficult to do that when you're drunk. I had to explain all this to the case manager at the attorney, and I honestly can't remember what I told them about the alcoholism in the beginning. She seemed to understand me and said they'd file an appeal, which will probably be denied again. Then if they appeal again, I can actually request a hearing and explain things. 

If you're wondering how I reacted to the decision.. not so well. On the surface, I acted like it was fine because I was too ashamed to tell my parents the reason for the decision. Shame and guilt and depression are probably a lot of what led to drinking last week. Since then, I cannot tell if it's a direct result of drinking or if it's related to the shame again, but my thoughts are pretty horrible. *TW* I'm not sleeping well, and I'm not just having my usual suicidal thoughts at night. I'm wondering about stabbing myself. I'm wondering about all sorts of cutting. I'm wondering about pouring boiling water on myself. Then there's stuff I won't go into. Once again on the surface, I am fine. I am afraid to speak about what's going on in my head because I don't want to be hospitalized at this point. I think it's inevitable, but I am trying to put it off a bit longer. 

Mentally, I have kinda given up on disability, but I feel like I've waited this long and should stick it out. Plus, I don't want to tell this attorney's office that I've given up after all the work they've done. Also, I do legitimately think that working right now would be a bad idea. If nothing else, I'm probably going to end up in the hospital soon.