An introduction

 It occurred to me after giving this link to a couple people that you would have to read several years of entries to get to an introduction. I think maybe I should make it something I include occasionally. 

My name is Beth. I am a 35 year old woman living in Texas. I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, borderline personality disorder, alcohol dependence, and bulimia nervosa. I live with my parents at the moment and 2 cats.

I include the cats because they are a big motivation to stay alive. I have been hospitalized more times than I could possibly count. About half of those were for depression/suicidal ideation and the other half for detox/alcohol. I've also been to residential treatment for bulimia and rehab several times for alcoholism. In all honesty, I will probably end up inpatient again in the next couple weeks for self harm and suicidal ideation. It's just a question of if I choose to go or the choice is made for me. 

I am not currently working. I lost my last job after I had the brilliant idea to get a motel room and try to kill myself without calling in sick to work. I then ignored all the texts from work for those days in the motel and the days in the ICU after. A few days ago I updated on my journey trying to apply for disability since then. I have had a variety of jobs. I have my bachelors degree in biology. I tried to work on my masters, but alcoholism got in the way of that. 

Currently, I am trying to recover from the bulimia.. while also trying to lose weight. That's tricky. I drank a couple weeks ago, but before that I had been sober since December.. before that sober since September.. before that since April... basically drinking every few months, which is better than I managed for years. I'm not so much trying to stop self harm because I am dealing with a lot of depression and anxiety and hopelessness. 

I don't have much else to say. I will just generally say there should be a trigger warning for the blog, but I really try to be aware of the people who might be reading. I am mostly writing for myself, but it helps me to think someone might read this because it makes me feel like writing has some purpose. I'm not so good at keeping up with journals, but this blog has been going since 2014. 

Oh and to explain the name and the url.. The blog was originally called Crazy or Sick after a conversation I had with a therapist. She objected to calling myself crazy, but I tried to explain that it bothers me less to say crazy than it does to say I'm sick. At some point I changed the name to Twice the Devil's Thirst, which is a line in a song. It says "I played the fool and broke the rules, and let them say their worst 'cause I had an angel's face and twice the devil's thirst." People always used to tell me that they wouldn't have suspected me of being an alcoholic or even in AA they would say they would never have thought I drank so much, so I guess I don't have the face of an alcoholic. I definitely have the thirst of an alcoholic though.