It was pointed out that I haven't written in a while. I just wanted to check in. I feel like now that things are not a constant crisis, I don't know what to write about. I am stuck in just an endless cycle of work and exhaustion. Before work, I am focused on minimizing stress and saving energy for work. I am worrying about work. I dream about work. Last night it was a dream that I bitched to my supervisor about how another coworker who is driving me crazy. Then I come home at night, and I don't have energy left to do anything. I eat dinner and watch TV, and really just kill time until I can go to bed. I just look forward to going to bed and watching Netflix and going to sleep. I have no desire to do anything.. I feel like I should read or draw or do anything, but I seriously just play games on my phone and scroll through Pinterest.
So in reality, I think I am struggling with depression. It's just not the suicidal crisis kind of depression.. it's the kind where I can't sleep because I'm worried and feel exhausted if I don't get 9 hours of sleep. I have no interest in anything. My happiness pretty much only comes from my interactions with animals. I am so over people, but when a dog rests their head on me.. or gives me a kiss. That feels nice. My coworkers.. make me feel very aware of my social anxiety and of the awkwardness of my situation. Like my supervisor asked where I worked before this, and I told her. She seemed shocked and asked why I left the lab, and I was silent for a second trying to decide how much was ok to tell her. I ended up just saying mental health stuff. Then there was an awkward conversation where 2 coworkers (who are like 17 and 19) were discussing being hospitalized for depression in high school. I kind of said I had been to that hospital, but I didn't elaborate. I realize I have this tendency to brag (although maybe not the right word) about hospitalizations. It comes from that competition in hospital to make it seem justified that you're there. People insist on sharing how many times they've been in hospital or attempted suicide or what drugs they've done and everything. I tend to get defensive because patients will try to imply you're not as bad. I had to remind myself that work is not somewhere I need or should compete about this. But yeah.. it's awkward.
I worry because I don't know what the future holds. I am just saving my money because I am ashamed to spend it, but I don't know what I am saving for.. a car? an apartment? None of it seems achievable in the near future, so I am just saving. I know I am not mentally well enough to live alone. I am functioning, but I want with every fiber of my being to go back to drinking. I should probably be looking for a therapist, but I hate the idea of sacrificing my limited time off on therapy that probably won't help.. I mean I have done therapy. I don't know what will fix this. I am not ready or willing to consider the whole God thing again. I go to AA a couple times a week, and I force myself to sit there. I don't believe that's the only solution, and I am not willing enough to try it. I guess things aren't bad enough right now for me to want change.
So it's another year, and I am going nowhere. I am mildly scared now because my parents are talking about moving and buying a house sometime in the next year.. and I have a (probably irrational) fear they will not want me in the new house or buy a house too small to let me live there. So again.. I am saving money. I am waiting for it all to fall apart. I have no dreams or goals or resolutions. I am stuck in this daily cycle and that is all I have energy for. Writing all this has me slightly more depressed, so I am off to pinterest to ignore my troubles.
I hope your New Year is going better...
