Hungry

I never ended up going to the doctor. Thursday I was vomiting so often that driving wasn't an option. I told myself if I couldn't manage fluids on Friday I would go to the ER, but around 3am I managed to keep water down. I called my supervisor around 8 or 9 (might have woken her up because she sounded tired) and said I wasn't coming in. I managed to shower at some point and then went back to bed because I was dizzy. Around noon I managed to dress and go to the pharmacy and bought pedialyte, Gatorade (actually to go with my vodka), and popsicles. I love being old enough that a cashier might think I have a sick child and not immediately guess I have a stomach virus. I went home and spent the day in bed. I eventually managed a couple popsicles, almost the liter of pedialyte, and lots of vodka. I took some librium in the morning because I was shaky and didn't want to add withdrawal on top of being sick. Plus, I really wanted to sleep.

I was mildly freaking out over work things. I had an assignment of sorts to send to the boss and Friday was the deadline. I couldn't figure out an easy way to do it from my phone. I also had some forms I was supposed to send HR. Well, I can't find my laptop charger... well couldn't in the amount of time I could stand without feeling like I was going to collapse. My PC would turn on but the monitor wouldn't, and I didn't have the energy to figure that out. I was anxious about being late, but I eventually cared less about that than going back to bed.

By evening I was hungry. I managed popsicles and cereal as well as Gatorade and vodka. I slept probably 12 hours but woke up frequently from weird nightmares.

Today I was convinced I should go to work. I hadn't vomited since early Friday. I got up and showered and then went back to bed for a bit because I was dizzy. I went to Panera for lunch. I had been hungry and craving every food imaginable, but I mostly wanted French onion soup. I ordered that and a half sandwich. I ate a piece of the bread that came with it, and it felt like swallowing knives. I was so hungry but my throat hurt so badly. I ended up managing most of the soup, part of the sandwich with the crust removed, and the bread soaked in the soup.

Work is incredibly behind again. I managed to work 10 hours. I brought pedialyte and soup for lunch. I also had a protein bar. I think my body wanted to make up for calories missed while sick. The odd thing was I was less nauseous than usual. I didn't feel like I would randomly be sick.

Part of me wonders if I am losing weight. It doesn't seem worth weighing myself to know. I am very much considering inpatient but I don't know when I could go that wouldn't negatively impact work. I don't know if I am motivated enough to get better. I don't know if I might manage on my own. I guess I will think about it. I am happy to have a day where my body seems to be OK or at least I haven't thrown up. I don't know how to approach the topic of treatment at work. I would like to plan to go when they will be equipped to handle my absence, but I don't think anyone will know when that will be. I don't want to explain that I am not sure if I want to be better. I am not sure if I want to die. I am still considering talking to the boss because I think she is older and has more experience to understand that this isn't simple. I know the boss has mentioned friends and family with addiction, and I think understands that it isn't something easily fixed. I just don't know if it's appropriate to tell her more. I have never really discussed how many times I have been in treatment. I haven't discussed the eating disorder and the treatment for that. The number of times I have been in treatment and the total money spent is very important to understanding my hesitancy now. The failure rate and addiction switching also explains why I don't know if treatment will help. This is a lot for someone to comprehend.

The thing is I realize that something needs to change. I can choose to kill myself with alcohol or something else. I can choose to get help. But currently I am not living. I am existing. So there are many options, but this one doesn't seem practical. I have considered ways to speed up dying. I have considered ways to recover. The slow death in between seems unbearable. Maybe I will just email the boss to see if she is willing to discuss the situation without a goal in mind. That way I can tell her more background and also what my concerns are about my job. I really have never expressed my fears of being fired. I have never truly explained how much this all predates this job. Then maybe I can get ideas. I fear my motivation isn't enough, so I don't want to go in with a treatment plan that I doubt.

I guess tonight I should rest because this all needs to be thought out and not impulsive.

Sick?

So today has been miserable. I don't know what is going on. It could be the gastritis. It could be a stomach bug or maybe something I ate. I have been vomiting non stop since morning. My throat hurts so badly. At first I hoped it would pass. I made the mistake of drinking about half a bottle of vodka and had a pedialyte pop. I then vomited all over my bed and had to change the sheets. I learned my lesson and didn't try to drink more than a couple sips after that, but eventually it all comes up anyway. I cancelled therapy and seeing my parents once I realized this wasn't going away. I pretty much have only gotten out of bed to throw up, see if any pedialyte pops are frozen, and admittedly take a shot of vodka. I don't keep it down but I figure enough is absorbed to keep withdrawal away. I considered going to urgent care but didn't think it would help. I decided that it wasn't bad enough to go to the hospital, but if it isn't better tomorrow I will. If nothing else some iv zofran would be nice because I just desperately want to drink a big glass of water. I texted my supervisor to not call for the department meeting because I am sick but also so they won't be surprised if I can't be there tomorrow.

I feel bad that I got a text from my ex sponsor at some point in the morning asking how I was doing. I had just changed the sheets and was feeling awful. I responded that I didn't know and have given up on everything. I realize I probably shouldn't have said that. It was vague and very negative but not a lie. She hasn't responded. I probably will say more when I am feeling better. For now I am hoping to sleep and honestly either wake up better or get to take a day off and go to the ER, which is pretty fucked up thinking. I think I am trying to be realistic and know that even if I stop vomiting, I haven't even kept water down and I was already dehydrated. I am not going to be well tomorrow. It's just a question of if I can fix it myself and go to work or if it's worth seeing a doctor.

Psychiatrist

Apparently, I don't give him enough credit. I truly expected him to be an ass about me not taking my meds. He was actually pretty nice. It might be because for once I was pretty honest or possibly because I am clearly unwell. I told him things were bad. I mentioned not functioning well. I mentioned the stomach stuff and the ER visit. He asked a lot of questions like when it all started and about my anxiety and depression and drinking. He asked if I was feeling suicidal, and I actually said yes. His main recommendation was rehab. He asked how he could help. I explained about not knowing if medication would help and what to take since it's been a while since I stopped. He explained that he mostly thinks I'm bipolar. Honestly, my various doctors have gone back and forth with diagnoses over the years. Some say major depressive disorder and some say bipolar 2. He's also mentioned depression with mixed episodes (basically hypomania but not enough to be bipolar). I don't know who is right. When you give me enough caffeine, I definitely become manic. He mostly believes it's bipolar because of my constant anxiety. He put me back on Zoloft and gave me samples of seroquel xr. I was on the extended release once but basically couldn't afford it (there's no generic so it was like $60 a month). I said I was willing to try it now since I have a better job and am less concerned with cost. He gave me enough for a month anyway. He also gave me trazodone in case I have trouble sleeping since I am very dependent on the normal seroquel for sleep and the extended release won't be the same. I am considering inpatient. I am just not ready to make that decision. I would like to feel more motivated. I would like work to hire more people so me not being there would have less impact. Right now I would really be inconveniencing them being gone, but if either sample volume goes down or we get more analysts, they could handle it. So I am thinking and hoping that the medication helps at least some.

Work update

Yesterday and today have finally been a bit better at work. In part because we are finally caught up and in part because evidence suggests the manager isn't fed up with me after last week's meltdown.

The weekend was hell. Although I admit work gets really interesting when everyone is this tired. They're all aware and joke about how I reach a point where I can't stop laughing. I can't remember what day it was that I was walking around (to stop laughing) and looked under someone's desk because I kinda like looking at what people have in their cubicles when they're not there. I saw what I can only say looked like a brown mushroom shaped scratching post or something. I am assuming it's a stool or something but it was definitely mushroom shaped and the fabric looked like brown carpet. No clue why it's under the desk. I started laughing. I showed a coworker who said it looked like a pile of shit. I then started laughing so hard I cried.

With regards to the manager. I sent her an email regarding a rather significant mistake I caught. I hate doing this because I realize we all make mistakes on occasion and I don't want to be why someone gets in trouble. So it has to either be significant or repeatedly happening for me to mention it. Anyway, her response thanked me very much for catching it and saving them from having to amend a report (the process involved if the mistake is caught after a client received the report). She also said she would speak to the analyst.

I sent her one more yesterday, but that she didn't respond to. Today I mentioned something via Skype and she told me I need to mention it to the analyst when I find it. I then did talk to the analyst and didn't respond to the manager on Skype. Honestly I was frustrated by her reaction, but I also got distracted because I was doing what she asked me to. Plus I was just in a bad mood. She later asked if I saw her response. I apologized and said I got distracted after showing the error to the person. I admittedly mentioned that person by name because it's the same one I emailed her about yesterday. She said it was fine and thanked me for all my hard work. I appreciate that because lately nobody else is doing reconfirmations and my understanding is that the person who did them during day shift is leaving and there has been some argument between the analysts about who has to do them now. I think I am the only one who likes them and is relatively comfortable with them. People come to me about what the trends are and what the machines are doing. It's really amusing how people talk about the machines like they're people. For example I frequently say a machine needs a time out for its behavior. Like lately, Atlas has been giving me ugly amphetamines. Sherlock makes things up (really meaning picks up tiny concentrations). Sorry. I am rambling.

I do feel valued at this company. I love how the medical director doesn't mind me asking questions. Though, I was showing him something on my computer (regarding Atlas's bad behavior) and he was leaning on the back of my chair and I have real personal space issues. He's an odd man. He used to have a desk next to mine and would listen to (and sing along to) Katy Perry. Today I had to ask the manager about two reconfirmations and at one point she sat in my cubicle while I explained, so I am no longer convinced she dislikes me.

I have an issue with paying a lot of attention to non verbal signals from people. I think it's why I hate talking on the phone. The problem is that I am not very good at it. I tend to always interpret things as meaning people are upset or don't like me. I think work over the past couple days people have finally relaxed a little, so I am less constantly convinced that I have done something wrong.

I did not exactly have a good day. For some reason after the Skype message thanking me I started to cry. I had to leave and sit in another room. I think it's just exhaustion. I also reached a point where I was struggling to concentrate. I think I am getting sick. I have had a persistent cough for a week at least. At first, it mostly was just like clearing my throat. I assumed it was either allergies or I get a weird feeling like my throat is closing when my blood pressure is high. Now though, my chest aches, and my dad recently had pneumonia. Add to this that I am usually nauseous and coughing that hard makes it worse. I felt like hell. So I think the crying was just that for days I have felt like hell but gone to work. I also know I am working slower (largely because I am fixing so many little mistakes people are making because they're exhausted). This is going to sound stupid. I had 2 post-it notes on my monitor where someone drew me a trophy for having the record for most reconfirmations in a single shift. Mine is 80 something, and this is the highest for anyone. Lately, I never manage more than 60. The trophies finally started to make me so depressed that I took them down. They were just a constant reminder that I wasn't doing enough. This is all just my thinking. I am still meeting my expected goal. My report cards are still above 100%. I just feel like it's never enough. Only Sunday when I actually caught up on all reconfirmations did I finally feel better. I honestly almost cried.

Tomorrow (well I guess today) I see my psychiatrist. This was also part of why I was crying. I don't know what to say. I know he won't be happy about me not taking my meds. I don't think he will be understanding. I don't know how to explain why I stopped. I don't know how to explain my inability to function. The last time I was doing poorly he said I should quit my job and move back in with my parents, which is not helpful and was not said in a kind manner. It was not that I would be healthier that way. It was basically that I can't handle my job and being independent. I want to either lie about how I am doing or tell him I know he won't approve and to just give me a prescription for Seroquel that will last until I find another psychiatrist. I would like to do the latter. He does know what he is doing and about depression and medication. He has at times said helpful things. However, he also has on more than one occasion made me feel judged. This makes it hard to be honest and hard to believe he wants to help. I know that means I should find someone else. I just can't sleep without seroquel, so I at least need that. So I will go and try to be honest. Maybe he will have some suggestions. Honestly, I am at a loss about what to do. I don't want to go into a psych ward. I also think I have medical problems that they would have issues with. I have cramps in my legs and feet that suggest dehydration. I have the nausea and vomiting and now (TMI) occasionally blood in my poop. However, I don't think any of this is enough to be admitted for medical reasons. I wonder at times if I could make myself sick enough. I still find myself thinking that 30 is an OK age to die. So maybe I should just be honest and at best he may have advice and at worst I trust he will prescribe the seroquel.

Sorry this has been so random. I am very tired.

Seriously tired

This is a pointless post and photo (assuming it uploads). After my breakdown and claiming I can't handle overtime, I have worked 11 hours 2 days in a row. Last night my stomach was a mess when I got home, which resulted in me throwing up an hour or so after taking my seroquel. Between that and constant nightmares about work, sleeping hasn't been easy. I still have about 4 hours before I have to be up again. I had another freezer pop to settle my stomach, 2 shots of vodka to settle my mind, and Pusheen is now protecting me from the nightmares. I definitely need more sleep before work, so hopefully I can go back to sleep and it would be nice not to dream I was there.

Is this a terrible idea?

So on Tuesday I had a meltdown in front of my supervisor and manager over the mention of overtime and me being generally exhausted. This was contributed to obviously by my increased depression and suicidal thoughts which resulted in overdoses on Tylenol and diuretics a few days prior. I have since had 2 days off and today chose to work 2 hours overtime.

Part of me knows I will inevitably end up in hospital for either physical problems (dehydration, liver, whatever) given last week when my legs gave out carrying things up the stairs to my apartment, or I will end up there for a suicide attempt.

I would very much like to avoid this, but I am not sure it's possible. So the woman I refer to as my boss (the chief toxicologist) knew me from school before I was hired. We were acquaintances but maybe not friends because she started several years before me. The times I have spoken with her about personal things she has been very sympathetic. I guess she knows people (both family and friends) with substance abuse problems. I had heard her mention it before I ever told her about my issues. She is probably the person I most have to worry about knowing these things because of her position in the company, but given her age and experience is most likely to understand. She is very big on getting employees to understand that the job we do can be life or death for patients and what a problem substance abuse is.

I feel like I should talk to her. I should tell her the truth that I am struggling. I should tell her that I am doing dangerous things (cutting my wrist, the overdoses). I want to tell her I am scared that the manager is fed up with me and my problems and that I am afraid if I take time off they will look for an excuse to fire me. I want to try to do this outpatient, but I also feel like they should be prepared for me needing medical leave. I don't want to surprise them and make them resent me more. The thing is I can't really explain the situation without saying I am suicidal or at least don't care if I die because that's what most likely would lead to me being hospitalized. I don't want her to panic and insist I go now because I really am not convinced inpatient will help and not make it worse. But honestly I just want to tell someone. I want to say that I am worried that the manager is fed up with me crying or taking time off. I want to explain that this has been going on for half my life and so there is a reason I don't think hospital will help or medication will help. I honestly want to say that I never expected or wanted to live to be 30, so this is not simple for me. I don't know what I need to do. In my experience, hospitals are a waste of money and time. I also want to know that the company isn't fed up with me and going to try to get rid of me. I want them to know that this all started long before this job and doesn't mean I can't handle my job. I honestly think I would kill myself if I lost it, but I probably won't say that.

But then part of me thinks that I shouldn't tell anyone. I should work harder on hiding it. I mean I have told myself 30 is a good age to die. Logically, I can sometimes tell myself that the people I work with would be sad if I die. Sometimes I think they would be happy because they wouldn't have to deal with my problems. So part of me wants to talk to her to confirm that people care that I am alive, but that is a bit fucked up and manipulative.. so I don't know what to do. For now just keep working.

The curious incident of the dog in the night

So after several dreadful days, today I got to pretend to be normal and have some fun.

I mentioned this briefly before Christmas, but my Christmas present to my mom was tickets to see a play together. I spent rather a lot for our tickets and valet parking. I was glad for the valet parking because I ended up driving, and parking garages freak me out.

It was a matinee and the theater was maybe only a third full. The tickets were on like the 3rd balcony up, but someone from the theater came around and asked if we wanted to move down and gave us orchestra level tickets?! So right before the show, we moved down to seats that would have been almost twice as expensive.

The play was The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night, which is a book my mom loves (though I haven't read it yet). It was amazing. It was very emotional. It's from the perspective of an autistic boy who is trying to solve the mystery of who killed his neighbor's dog. And there's a lot more about his family, but I won't spoil the plot. A lot is also about his view of the world, and the actor was just amazing. I kept going from crying to laughing to crying again.

It was a challenge to go. I drove my mom's car which made me so nervous. I don't drive with other people in my car. Mainly because sometimes the alcohol makes driving rather unsafe. At my worst, my legs shake and occasionally I see things.. like not hallucinating but like I will see a trash can and think it's a person at first. It's hard to explain. But so I don't like the idea of anyone else being in the car with me. But I drove an unfamiliar (much nicer than mine) car to somewhere I have been but never driven to. I went to a theater and had to interact with the valet and the ushers. I had lunch out with my mom and chatted in the car. Also later had dinner with my parents. I didn't check my work email. I took both my days off this week (though admittedly did check my work email yesterday).

Yesterday was admittedly not my best day. I had talked to my therapist weeks ago about having these tickets and needing to come on a different day because the show was at the same time as my usual appointment. We discussed me coming Wednesday, and I put it in my calendar. Apparently she didn't write it down, so I drove there yesterday and waited almost 30 minutes before giving up. I had planned to go shopping after, but after her not showing up I just went home and got into bed. I slept most of the evening, which I probably needed, but I also really needed to see her. A normal person would probably have texted or called yesterday, but I didn't. So today she texted and tried calling me at my usual appointment time, and I texted during intermission that we had discussed this. She asked if I had shown up yesterday and said she didn't have it in her schedule and apologized. I didn't mention going and sitting there in the waiting room yesterday. I just said that it was fine and asked to make sure I was on the schedule for next week. I didn't want to try to explain via text how much I needed to see her or how poorly I am doing or anything else going on. I didn't want to tell her I was upset because my sick mind won't let me be ok expressing frustration and clings to the tiny shred of doubt telling me I am wrong and we didn't discuss changing my appointment. Except I know I brought up the play because I was proud I had bought tickets for something in the future because it meant I was committed to surviving the holidays, and I was upset that she didn't seem to grasp how much of an accomplishment that was given how I was so concerned with drinking myself to death.

But today was a good day. Tomorrow I go back to work, and I think I am just not going to mention or apologize for my meltdown. I am going to try not to discuss my personal problems, and I am going to try not to cry. Hopefully, I am a bit better rested and will be able to cope.

Guilt and shame

So work today... I feel like a terrible person. They gathered everyone to talk about overtime. When they were done I left the room and started crying. I am so tired. When I managed to stop crying, I asked my supervisor if I could talk to her. I then started crying all over again and said I can't keep working overtime. And when I say crying, I mean sobbing. She went and got the manager who kept asking how they can help me and what I need.. and I couldn't bring myself to say that I am suicidal or that I overdosed Saturday. I tried to explain that I am off my meds and waiting to see my psychiatrist. I wanted so badly to tell someone that I am terrified of my thoughts. And the manager said that me not doing well is affecting my work, and logically I know she doesn't mean I am making mistakes. She means I am doing things like sobbing at the mention of overtime. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to go inpatient. I don't want to take time off work. I don't see a way out of this. I so desperately want to go take the bottle of Librium in my car, and I only really managed not to because I am scared it wouldn't kill me, and I would just fall asleep at my desk. I want to ask to go home, but I am probably safer here. I just hate my brain and all the terrible thoughts I keep having.

Ended up apologizing to my supervisor for freaking out. I will probably apologize to the manager Friday. I know I shouldn't have to apologize for being depressed, but I feel bad for them being involved.. and it really was my worst meltdown. Like I was sitting and the manager was even squatting down to try to make eye contact because I couldn't look at them. I think I am going to tell her I have been trying to handle all this without telling anyone or going inpatient and clearly not doing well at it. I still want to avoid IP, but I may say it's a possibility if things don't improve. I do have therapy tomorrow, and I will try to be honest about how bad things are and see if she can help communicate with my psychiatrist because I can't seem to not lie to him. That probably is a good sign I need to find someone else. I called my old doctor but then never made an appointment. I realized switching back to the doctor who never listened isn't really any better than the one I see now.

I also feel bad because a friend texted me that she was thinking of me and asking about treatment because I told her I was doing outpatient, and I never answered the text. I was busy at work, but really I am just embarrassed to admit how I am doing. I am supposed to have lunch with her next weekend. I was also supposed to have lunch with a friend today, but I asked to postpone until next week because I couldn't face the thought of waking up early enough to go. I didn't get up until almost 2. Thankfully I am off work until Friday and I promised myself not to work on my days off this week because clearly I am exhausted.

I don't even know anymore

I feel like after my last post I should probably check in to say that physically I seem to be ok. I mean 16 Tylenol seems like a relatively small overdose, and I should probably just be grateful that the bottle only had 17 left. If you're wondering, I am weird about odd numbers, which is why I took only 16. Honestly, it was really bugging me today having a bottle with one pill in it since it's an odd number. The only odd numbers I can really be OK with are multiples of five, and for some reason I can only drink from water fountains in multiples of 3. Is it any wonder my therapist thinks I'm OCD? Though where we differ in opinions is she thinks my problems stem from that. I think I developed compulsions as coping skills. Like the water fountain thing didn't start until I was in college and had stopped taking any medication for depression and had become bulimic.

That was a bit of a tangent. Physically, I seem fine. Mentally, I am horrible. I took at least 3 breaks at work to cry and pray. I don't know why I have suddenly started praying again. But my thinking is just so crazy.

I first had to take the bottle of Librium out of my purse and put it in the trunk of my car because I was terrified I would actually take it. I then on more than one occasion sat in a room and mentally recited any prayer I could think of. My usual choice is Hail holy queen because I like the line "to thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve. Too thee do we lift up our sighs, mourning and weeping in this valley of tears". The Catholic in me comes out when I am upset. I feel unworthy of praying to God, but I can pray to Mary and find some comfort in having her to pray for me. I need to find my rosary or buy another. I feel like only God can help me now.

My thoughts are so terrible. I honestly sat in the lab wondering what chemicals we have that could kill me. I didn't have anyone I could really tell. So I just cried and prayed.

I don't see my psychiatrist until the 25th. I don't want to just start taking what meds I still have since I haven't taken anything for at least a month. I think I am going to ask my therapist to talk to him. I want her to explain that I don't just stop taking my meds for fun. I want someone to tell him to try to be understanding and not just criticize me for not being compliant. I stopped taking my meds because I basically cannot function. The same reason I ended up behind on bills. The same reason I can hardly check my email. I don't feel capable of explaining this and I don't want to just be told to take the meds. I want someone to understand that it is a major accomplishment that I am alive. It is a major accomplishment that I still go to work.

I feel like I will probably end up inpatient soon. If something doesn't change, I don't know how long prayer is going to work. I have not had this kind of suicidal thoughts in a while. I haven't been this scared that I will act on them. I don't know if I should tell someone at work. I feel like I should because either it could stop me from doing something stupid or because if I do something like overdose they will know to call an ambulance. I don't want to inconvenience anyone by taking time off. I also have tickets to a play Thursday that I don't want to miss because I am in the hospital. They were my Christmas present to my mom.

So I am just trying to survive. I honestly think I am making an amazing effort. The question is just if it's enough

Guess who

Guess who decided it was a good idea to take 16 extra strength Tylenol AT WORK today? Then panicked and googled what the lethal dose is (way more than that) and ended up purging anyway. I have overdosed on Tylenol plenty of times (mostly in high school) but back then I wasn't also an alcoholic with a slightly fucked up liver. Plus, I took 10 Diurex last night which isn't good either. But I am obviously still alive.. so whatever. I wasn't really trying to kill myself I think. I honestly was just hoping I would collapse or faint. It sounds terrible to say I want attention. Really, I want someone to know that I am not ok. I did tell my supervisor that I cannot keep working overtime and that I am struggling. We talked about the meeting with the boss and HR guy.. I mostly explained how confusing it was, which she agreed about. We are back to being behind, but I left at midnight. Having purged dinner and hopefully some of the overdose, I had no interest in working extra. I am home now eating crackers and drinking pedialyte. I am hoping tomorrow is a better day.

To tell or not to tell

Work was a bit confusing today. Not the work so much as the people.

So I was told that if I did the assessment and IOP that they would want some documentation that I was OK to work. I then chose not to do that program, so I talked to the boss about other ways to prove I was OK to work like letting my therapist contact the HR guy. I had a meeting with the boss and HR guy today. It was weird. He talked about stuff like what they as a company can communicate about.. like if talking to my therapist is OK or if it violates HIPAA. He mentioned talking to someone and meeting again. He talked about how if I did a program they have to be sure I am cleared to work and that my job won't compromise my health.

I feel like there was some miscommunication about everything. I kinda just said that I was told I would need to provide this, but I am choosing not to do that treatment. I said that I just want to do whatever they want to assure them that I am able to work. So maybe this is all nothing.. I tried to say that what happened recently was medical (not mental health). The boss emphasized that I can always talk to her or HR guy and me being paranoid interpreted that to mean that she knows I am not doing well. So I have no idea.

The thing is... I am not doing well. I am very suicidal. Physically I don't feel well. I feel like I should probably tell someone. I seriously considered taking the rest of the Librium while at work. I thought a lot about suicide plans. I thought I could find somewhere to board the cats and hire someone to clean the apartment at the same time. I would then find a hotel and drink/overdose or whatever. I would leave a note giving an explanation or permission for my parents to pick up my cats from whatever place has them. I would create a list on my phone of who to tell if I die.

I didn't do any of this. I haven't told anyone. I have rather expensive tickets to a play on the 19th, and I don't want to miss it because I am inpatient. I know if I told anyone any of this that they would want me to go inpatient. And honestly if I want to die, why tell anyone? But I probably should. I took 10 Diurex with my vodka tonight. You're not supposed to exceed 4 per day. I am kinda hoping to pass out at work or somehow appear sick enough someone will ask if I am ok. I can't just say it. I can't just leave them short staffed, but I really am not OK.

Cause for concern?

So I know at least once recently I have mentioned the thought crossing my mind of what would happen if I was too tired to walk up the stairs to my apartment.

Well I got home tonight. I needed to carry laundry, groceries, and cat food upstairs. I knew that it would take multiple trips. I decided to carry the 2 bags of groceries and my quilt first. After a couple stairs, my legs buckled. I tried to stand back up and couldn't. I had to set everything down and use the railings to pull myself back up. I picked up the groceries and made it to my door. I went back for the quilt. I had to hold on with both hands to go back downstairs to get laundry and again for cat food. I almost fell again just walking around my bedroom. Odd walked in front of me unexpectedly and my knees gave out and I had to grab onto the bed.

Admittedly, I went to the mall with my mom today and my Garmin says I walked over 11,000 steps.. but still. I don't know if this is the diuretics or a side effect of the steroids (which I guess aren't good for electrolyte imbalances). Current plan is lots of water and rest but it was pretty terrifying. That being said I have wondered what I could do to mess up my electrolytes and my heart, so I am not sure I care. It was just not something I expected to actually happen.

The rather twisted plan

So I woke up feeling physically ok (see last post for what I did last night). I hadn't really expected otherwise. I have done worse things.

I went and ate lunch and decided to wander around a grocery store before work. While there, I got a call from a woman at the IOP program I was going to try. She mentioned confirming the appointment and then mentioned going over my insurance coverage. She tried to spin it as even though I have a high deductible, they have a deal with them that's a real bargain. Except bargain is $3200 instead of $5400. I know that is a big difference, but it is a lot of money. Maybe if this was a surgery or some medical procedure, I would be thrilled, but in my mind it is most likely money being wasted being told things I was told in all the other hospitals, so it is still money wasted. I asked if it was due in advance and she said no, arrangements can be made, but my heart still sunk.

In a grownup moment, yesterday I finally paid off several old hospital bills yesterday, so I can only imagine starting with a new one. I had been planning to buy a salad to take to work. I put it back and bought alcohol instead.

I got to work and the boss was in a meeting. I waited until she got out and asked to talk. I told her about the $3000. I am sure she makes much more than me, but by her reaction I could tell she understood that was a lot. So I proposed an alternative I had been pondering. I offered to go to AA and get a form signed to show I went (like the people court ordered) to provide to HR. I offered to sign the consent to have my therapist tell them I am fine. She seemed quite happy with this.. probably because it was my suggestion. So she offered to meet with HR Friday to figure out details. I am kinda hoping they won't require daily meetings just because I would like a little freedom.

The thing is.. I like this plan because it allows some freedom. I don't know if that iop drug tests or something and would catch any slip. I spent years in AA drinking, so I know I have the ability to slip. I don't have to worry about lying in iop about self harm or suicidal thoughts. But honestly, it isn't necessary for me to be 100% perfect to be able to work either. I can guarantee other employees drink sometimes.

The rest of the day.. I don't know what happened. The suicidal thoughts were bad. They kept coming back. I finally told my supervisor that she could tell the manager or boss that things are worse than I have admitted. I have yet to use the word suicidal, but I have said it feels hopeless to my supervisor. This opens the door to maybe tell them. Honestly, IP is sounding like an OK idea. I don't believe it will help, but I do believe that things are not going to get better if I live like this. At least 3 times I left my desk and cried. I want to give up. I even thought that I don't care about how messy my apartment is when they find me as long as I am dead. I don't think IP will help but I know not doing anything won't help either. I called my psychiatrist but my appointment is in 2 weeks. I think if someone at work suggest IP, maybe my brain will let me go and maybe I will be alive in 2 weeks.

I am thinking of asking my therapist to contact my psychiatrist. I need someone to explain that I don't just stop my meds for fun. I need someone to explain that I don't restart them or comply because I truly believe based on past experience that it's hopeless. I wonder if she can explain that better than me staring at the floor. I am sure she will be willing. I just hate how doctors act all judgmental about why I see them but don't take the meds. It isn't that simple. It's the same reason I wait until I absolutely have to go to hospital. I truly don't think it will work and have years of experience to back that up.

Well, I am going to bed. I cancelled the IOP appointment because I don't want to argue about it being affordable somehow and somehow different than every other treatment. I am still looking for maybe just group therapy or something else. Friday I will face the awkwardness at work. Tomorrow I will just try to enjoy a day with my mom.

Self destruct button

I may not be doing so well with this recovery idea. I got zero sleep last night but decided to go to work anyway because I just couldn't spend another day alone.

I made a simple request for help if they wanted me to do reruns. I then asked the manager about working tomorrow to make up hours I missed. She told me when I go for the assessment that they would like some kind of note that I am fit for work. I didn't initially worry because that isn't hard.. unless they say no or I decide not to do that program. I then started to panic because reality sunk in. Suddenly my job depends on me actually getting better or lying really well. Suddenly I actually would have to stay sober. I was already second guessing spending probably thousands on a program that probably won't help. I spent thousands last year and look where I ended up. I started crying and my supervisor pulled me aside to find out why and told me to talk to the boss. I did and tried to explain the financial concerns and the fact that I have done this so many times. She said they're concerned about me but also the company and my work. I then later started just completely sobbing and my supervisor talked to me and I just said things are so much worse than they know. I feel utterly hopeless and like I shouldn't bother. I couldn't bring myself to say some things. I did say I am scared. I did say that the idea of dealing with everything without alcohol seems impossible. I want to give up. Part of me even wonders about quitting the job so I can go back to drinking myself to death. I sobbed over the fact that I have no vodka.

I eventually decided on a brilliant plan. Having recently been treated for low sodium and potassium, I decided to buy laxatives and diuretics. I decided to take a couple Librium with the few hard ciders left at home. And see what happens. So I'm having dinner of Diurex, milk of magnesia, 50mg Librium, and either 2 or 3 hard cider. It's not going to kill me.. but tomorrow might be unpleasant. I really see no light at the end of the tunnel anymore.

*edit*  it's morning and I feel fine

Another day in bed

I am apparently still a bit of a mess. I got super dizzy in the shower again. I have zero appetite and also haven't managed to buy groceries so don't have anything that would be appetizing.

I was supposed to have that php assessment today and didn't go. I did schedule an assessment for a different program that is closer and better hours. So I do that Thursday. I just couldn't imagine going 9-3 everyday and then straight to work from 3:30-12. Only thing making me nervous is this one does a weekly family group. But I have known people that went to this place (though I don't know if they just did inpatient or did the outpatient) and recommended it.

I went to work and was promptly sent home. I was there about ten minutes before the manager pulled me aside to ask how I was feeling. I was honest because I really felt terrible. She told me it was fine if I wanted to go home. She asked about the assessment and I told her about choosing a different program. She asked if I was going to do inpatient and I explained that I wanted to try this. I briefly explained the er visit and how I think I am still dehydrated but that they gave me potassium. I gladly accepted the offer to go home and try again tomorrow.

I had to go by the pharmacy to pick up even more meds because I gave in yesterday and went to the doctor about the rash now covering most of my body. Still no explanation for it, but I was prescribed steroids because calamine lotion wasn't really helping. It was a bit pathetic because I was waiting in line at the pharmacy with a basket containing pedialyte pops, a protein drink, and crackers and had to carry it with both hands because it seemed so heavy. Now I'm in bed. I managed half the protein shake but still haven't eaten solid food. I need to check if the pedialyte pops are frozen yet because honestly that's the only thing that sounds appealing. I took my levothyroxine, the Librium, potassium, zofran, and the steroids so far today.. so I am basically just full of pills and Muscle Milk (which apparently has 22% of the recommended daily amount of potassium? Good to know). I am kinda considering ordering pizza just because I don't have the energy to leave the apartment. Or I can search my kitchen to see if I have anything not expired. I do have applesauce because I specifically went to Sam's club last week because you can buy a 20 pack there rather than the stupid boxes of 4. I hope this fatigue is temporary. I am curious how low my sodium and potassium were but I need to look at the paperwork. If this keeps up for a few more days I might go back. Part of it is that I slept really poorly because the rash itches so so much. Really hope the steroids work. I'm going to take benadryl and check on my popsicles now. I was happy the person at the pharmacy didn't seem judgmental about my purchase. That combination of items kinda screams nausea. Though when I was a cashier I can only think of two customers I wondered about. One was a woman buying cheesecake and laxatives that reminded me of me. The other was an old man buying only prune baby food and air fresheners.. because umm that just creates a disturbing mental image. Obviously did NOT ask about it. Sorry if you didn't want to hear that but I still think it's funny because I am a little immature

Emergency room

I spent a lovely nearly 8 hours in the ER today. I must say they were all pretty nice.

The triage nurse kinda had to ask a lot of questions to get me to say I was an alcoholic. I fully intended to tell the doctor. I struggled because I really am a mess of physical symptoms and wasn't sure how to fit that into the explanation. Honestly, she was very sweet about it and asked if I wanted detox. I went to a room and spent a while waiting on the nurse and doctor. The nurse came and took a bunch of blood and my vitals.

I saw the doctor and explained things. He asked about me wanting referrals for treatment or wanting to do outpatient. I declined the referrals. Shortly after the nurse came back with massive numbers of medicine. She asked if I was in pain and wanted morphine, which I declined (and then briefly wondered if I should have said yes just for fun.. but that's my addict thinking). I got an IV for fluids, zofran, folic acid, a thiamine shot, and I am not sure what else honestly. So most of the day was spent hooked up to the drip and watching the food network. I was originally going to update while waiting but having the iv in one arm a blood pressure cuff and pulsox on the other made using my phone tricky.

Apparently my liver enzymes were high and my sodium and potassium were low, which wasn't a surprise. The doctor asked again about referrals and then said he would give me a prescription for Librium. I agreed and then as soon as he left realized that was a terrible idea. I asked to speak to him again and agreed to seeing the psych assessment person. That meant more waiting. I did consider briefly going inpatient. I settled on agreeing to PHP and then if I need to stepping up to inpatient. I did learn that there is a hospital with a psych ward that is only for women and only 7 beds, which would probably be so much less of a nightmare for someone with social anxiety. Even if I am not going now, it's good to know.

I hated the psych assessment. I always get so mixed up when they ask about previous treatment because I have been so many times and I was pretty sick and had pretty screwed up memory for some of those times. I left honestly intending not to go to the php appointment Monday, but I am going to try. I already texted the manager to ask if I could possibly adjust my schedule to accommodate it because I probably can't get to work on time and do this. She said yes. I am taking tomorrow off to rest since today was exhausting. Monday I have php and then will go back to work. I see no point in taking more days off when free time is not my friend. I have prescriptions for Librium, potassium, and zofran. I still am covered in an itchy rash so may end up back at the doctor if that doesn't improve. But I am feeling better after the fluids and such. I am hoping the stomach problems improve with sobriety. If not I may end up having to get a referral to a specialist. The doctor said it was gastritis from the drinking, which is probably true. It's just a question of how much damage I have done.

Now I am home and looking forward to going to sleep.

Doing this

I didn't really have time to write sooner because work was busy. I also was in panic mode for part of the day. I was anxious even before work. I had planned to go to the liquor store, but then I almost passed out in the shower, so I went back to bed for another hour. Then I looked outside and saw snow and was anxious about driving.

I got to work and the manager pulled me aside. She talked to the boss and said that I can take pto and to go whenever. So I said I would like to go to the hospital tomorrow (well technically now it's Saturday so it will be later today). She was fine with that and said we just need to get me better. Then the panic set in because I don't know when or which hospital. I don't know if this plan will work and I'll be admitted or if they'll just send me home. I don't know what to say exactly. I don't know if they will think I'm just drug seeking and refuse to give me anything for detox.

Eventually I realized that worst case scenario they turn me away.. it's not as though a psych stay would be the end of the world. It's not like I can't go if it's the only option.

Though I now have a rash all over my arms, chest, and back.. so between that (seriously no idea what that's about) and the stomach stuff I am definitely not in ideal health, so I imagine they will at least run tests. I also think I stopped panicking because about half my brain was focused on work and the rest on how much I itch. Like seriously I want to scratch my skin off this itches so much. I really hope I have benadryl somewhere.

Will update later with what happens with the hospital.

Text message

I decided yesterday that I should tell someone about what's going on. It helps with accountability and maybe helps with me getting help. I texted my friend B and didn't hear back. At first, I wanted to use this as an excuse not to tell anyone, but I realized that makes little sense. So tonight I texted my ex sponsor. I basically said I am desperate and seeking help. She replied that she thinks of me and prays for me and misses me. She asked about seeing me at a meeting, and I said I would try. I told her I wasn't well and would update her when I heard from work. I said I miss her and everyone. I really do. I just wanted to hear that someone cares, so I know if I do this I won't be alone. I know people will be waiting. So hopefully soon things will get better. Soon I will be human again.

I've been thinking

I have been doing a lot of thinking since I spoke with the manager. Not sure if thinking is such a good thing at this point, but I guess I am mentally preparing for whatever conversation happens next because I don't want to go in and not be able to explain anything.

The first question I asked myself is basically why did I manage a full year of being at this job without any serious problems and then in the second year end up in the hospital 3 times. I honestly think that when I gave up on school and the idea of finishing my degree, that's when things went to hell. I know that it was before the first admission that I admitted to the boss that I would probably never graduate. It was when I had started drinking and having tremors and was confronted by the manager that I told her. I think to some extent I gave up on life when I gave up on school and really have been struggling ever since. I just don't talk about it. I watch others go to school and I hate myself. A former student of mine was hired and she asked me if I was done with school. It was super awkward. I live with at least some level of fear constantly about people asking or commenting about school. I can't really explain the decision to quit to people without revealing a lot of personal problems because it is so wrapped up in my mental health. The decision to go to school was made to escape a terrible job. The stress from school combined with the independence of moving here is linked to my alcoholism. The alcoholism is a large part of why I dropped out. My short term memory was seriously fucked up when I was drinking, and that really impacted my ability to write. So none of this is easy to explain. Add in losing my sponsor and plenty of stress, everything that happened this year makes more sense.

I've also thought about treatment options. I know that my last hospital stay was pretty traumatic. That is probably why I don't want to go back to a psych ward. I also think I am more motivated and I worry that another bad treatment experience could undermine that. I am at the point where I feel I want to be sober or dead. I can't sustain the way I am living now. But I feel like every time I go inpatient I am questioned about how much I drink or how I eat or my depression and made to feel like I am exaggerating or making it up. It's like because I didn't try to kill myself and my liver isn't failing yet, there is always someone who questions why I am seeking help. Realistically, I know that this is my interpretation of things. The questions are generally not meant to be harmful and probably just an attempt to understand, but I am afraid of some stupid person derailing my attempt at recovery. So I would rather get medical help and then go back to AA rather than risk psychiatric help. Plus admittedly, I have limited choices of hospitals..  1 I still blame for my relapse into bulimia years ago because the food was so horrible that I lived off snacks, 1 my last stay involved a lot of conflict with the cafeteria staff that made me too embarrassed to eat and I self harmed pretty badly while there and nobody cared, and the third is where I started having panic attacks daily and ate less than half the meals because they dragged me to the cafeteria while I was sobbing and freaking out because a patient was throwing chairs and I refused to spend more than one meal crying alone at a table. So I have my reasons, but I am for some reason embarrassed to admit them to normal people. I think psych ward life is normalized for me. I have my bras without wires, shoes without laces, and know that alcohol cannot be one of the first 3 ingredients in my shampoo. I am also very aware that normal people don't think about these things. Normal people also don't know countless ways to self harm in a hospital.. they don't brainstorm between stays how to do it. Something about the rules and restrictions brings out my creative side, and I would just rather not deal with that. I just want to detox without being afraid I am going to have a stroke and without the insomnia and discomfort. And I don't want to add the trauma of a psych ward to what I have to cope with.

So that is what I am thinking. I thankfully have therapy tomorrow so maybe she can help me prepare. I feel like I am simultaneously in a good and very bad place. I want to be sober or dead, but that is better than wanting to be drunk or just wanting to be dead. I don't know how much hope I really have, but I know I have at least a little motivation. I logically know that there are people who care about me and who will take me back if I reach out. I am willing to spend money and argue with doctors to get help. I am thinking that I may ask a friend to go with me if I go to the ER. I think she might say yes and it might minimize my fear. Still debating. Will update when I have something to say.

And right after I first published this I texted my friend B from AA ... so someone at least knows I am alive and considering sobriety.

Worried

Yesterday was probably the worst I have been physically. I had planned to eat lunch and go to Target. I went to taco Bell and ordered. As I was standing waiting on my food, I got that feeling where my vision goes mostly white and sounds were weird (kinda muffled?). Only instead of lasting a few seconds, it lasted a couple minutes. I almost panicked and left but didn't want to drive until my vision went back to normal. So I sat and ate. Eventually, I felt ok. I decided to go home and skip target because I was worried it would happen again. I went back to bed for several hours. I finally did leave the apartment again to go to the pharmacy. I needed first aid supplies and I bought pedialyte in the hope that I was just dehydrated.

So I was not in the mood to work today. I couldn't convince myself to call in sick, so I went. I talked to the manager, and it was super awkward. I didn't really know what to say. I said I was doing poorly and her response was "Again?".. which didn't make me feel great. I told her bits and pieces of what's going on. She asked my permission to talk to the chief toxicologist about this and how they can help me. I agreed but am incredibly anxious about it. I am still afraid that they will use this as an excuse to fire me. I told her that I don't want anyone to think this means I can't do my job, and she said I am very good at my job. I just worry they might try to transfer me to something less stressful or something. I don't know. I guess I have to wait and see. I hate disappointing or inconveniencing them. I hate that I really don't know how to explain why this has happened so many times this year when I managed my whole first year with the company without any major issues. But this past year I have cycled through depression and being suicidal or too anxious to function over and over and can't seem to dig my way out. I am feeling desperate enough now that I hope things can change. I hope I can get help before I miss this window of opportunity and end up too far gone to find a way back.