Hungry

I never ended up going to the doctor. Thursday I was vomiting so often that driving wasn't an option. I told myself if I couldn't manage fluids on Friday I would go to the ER, but around 3am I managed to keep water down. I called my supervisor around 8 or 9 (might have woken her up because she sounded tired) and said I wasn't coming in. I managed to shower at some point and then went back to bed because I was dizzy. Around noon I managed to dress and go to the pharmacy and bought pedialyte, Gatorade (actually to go with my vodka), and popsicles. I love being old enough that a cashier might think I have a sick child and not immediately guess I have a stomach virus. I went home and spent the day in bed. I eventually managed a couple popsicles, almost the liter of pedialyte, and lots of vodka. I took some librium in the morning because I was shaky and didn't want to add withdrawal on top of being sick. Plus, I really wanted to sleep.

I was mildly freaking out over work things. I had an assignment of sorts to send to the boss and Friday was the deadline. I couldn't figure out an easy way to do it from my phone. I also had some forms I was supposed to send HR. Well, I can't find my laptop charger... well couldn't in the amount of time I could stand without feeling like I was going to collapse. My PC would turn on but the monitor wouldn't, and I didn't have the energy to figure that out. I was anxious about being late, but I eventually cared less about that than going back to bed.

By evening I was hungry. I managed popsicles and cereal as well as Gatorade and vodka. I slept probably 12 hours but woke up frequently from weird nightmares.

Today I was convinced I should go to work. I hadn't vomited since early Friday. I got up and showered and then went back to bed for a bit because I was dizzy. I went to Panera for lunch. I had been hungry and craving every food imaginable, but I mostly wanted French onion soup. I ordered that and a half sandwich. I ate a piece of the bread that came with it, and it felt like swallowing knives. I was so hungry but my throat hurt so badly. I ended up managing most of the soup, part of the sandwich with the crust removed, and the bread soaked in the soup.

Work is incredibly behind again. I managed to work 10 hours. I brought pedialyte and soup for lunch. I also had a protein bar. I think my body wanted to make up for calories missed while sick. The odd thing was I was less nauseous than usual. I didn't feel like I would randomly be sick.

Part of me wonders if I am losing weight. It doesn't seem worth weighing myself to know. I am very much considering inpatient but I don't know when I could go that wouldn't negatively impact work. I don't know if I am motivated enough to get better. I don't know if I might manage on my own. I guess I will think about it. I am happy to have a day where my body seems to be OK or at least I haven't thrown up. I don't know how to approach the topic of treatment at work. I would like to plan to go when they will be equipped to handle my absence, but I don't think anyone will know when that will be. I don't want to explain that I am not sure if I want to be better. I am not sure if I want to die. I am still considering talking to the boss because I think she is older and has more experience to understand that this isn't simple. I know the boss has mentioned friends and family with addiction, and I think understands that it isn't something easily fixed. I just don't know if it's appropriate to tell her more. I have never really discussed how many times I have been in treatment. I haven't discussed the eating disorder and the treatment for that. The number of times I have been in treatment and the total money spent is very important to understanding my hesitancy now. The failure rate and addiction switching also explains why I don't know if treatment will help. This is a lot for someone to comprehend.

The thing is I realize that something needs to change. I can choose to kill myself with alcohol or something else. I can choose to get help. But currently I am not living. I am existing. So there are many options, but this one doesn't seem practical. I have considered ways to speed up dying. I have considered ways to recover. The slow death in between seems unbearable. Maybe I will just email the boss to see if she is willing to discuss the situation without a goal in mind. That way I can tell her more background and also what my concerns are about my job. I really have never expressed my fears of being fired. I have never truly explained how much this all predates this job. Then maybe I can get ideas. I fear my motivation isn't enough, so I don't want to go in with a treatment plan that I doubt.

I guess tonight I should rest because this all needs to be thought out and not impulsive.