I don't even know anymore

I feel like after my last post I should probably check in to say that physically I seem to be ok. I mean 16 Tylenol seems like a relatively small overdose, and I should probably just be grateful that the bottle only had 17 left. If you're wondering, I am weird about odd numbers, which is why I took only 16. Honestly, it was really bugging me today having a bottle with one pill in it since it's an odd number. The only odd numbers I can really be OK with are multiples of five, and for some reason I can only drink from water fountains in multiples of 3. Is it any wonder my therapist thinks I'm OCD? Though where we differ in opinions is she thinks my problems stem from that. I think I developed compulsions as coping skills. Like the water fountain thing didn't start until I was in college and had stopped taking any medication for depression and had become bulimic.

That was a bit of a tangent. Physically, I seem fine. Mentally, I am horrible. I took at least 3 breaks at work to cry and pray. I don't know why I have suddenly started praying again. But my thinking is just so crazy.

I first had to take the bottle of Librium out of my purse and put it in the trunk of my car because I was terrified I would actually take it. I then on more than one occasion sat in a room and mentally recited any prayer I could think of. My usual choice is Hail holy queen because I like the line "to thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve. Too thee do we lift up our sighs, mourning and weeping in this valley of tears". The Catholic in me comes out when I am upset. I feel unworthy of praying to God, but I can pray to Mary and find some comfort in having her to pray for me. I need to find my rosary or buy another. I feel like only God can help me now.

My thoughts are so terrible. I honestly sat in the lab wondering what chemicals we have that could kill me. I didn't have anyone I could really tell. So I just cried and prayed.

I don't see my psychiatrist until the 25th. I don't want to just start taking what meds I still have since I haven't taken anything for at least a month. I think I am going to ask my therapist to talk to him. I want her to explain that I don't just stop taking my meds for fun. I want someone to tell him to try to be understanding and not just criticize me for not being compliant. I stopped taking my meds because I basically cannot function. The same reason I ended up behind on bills. The same reason I can hardly check my email. I don't feel capable of explaining this and I don't want to just be told to take the meds. I want someone to understand that it is a major accomplishment that I am alive. It is a major accomplishment that I still go to work.

I feel like I will probably end up inpatient soon. If something doesn't change, I don't know how long prayer is going to work. I have not had this kind of suicidal thoughts in a while. I haven't been this scared that I will act on them. I don't know if I should tell someone at work. I feel like I should because either it could stop me from doing something stupid or because if I do something like overdose they will know to call an ambulance. I don't want to inconvenience anyone by taking time off. I also have tickets to a play Thursday that I don't want to miss because I am in the hospital. They were my Christmas present to my mom.

So I am just trying to survive. I honestly think I am making an amazing effort. The question is just if it's enough