So I woke up feeling physically ok (see last post for what I did last night). I hadn't really expected otherwise. I have done worse things.
I went and ate lunch and decided to wander around a grocery store before work. While there, I got a call from a woman at the IOP program I was going to try. She mentioned confirming the appointment and then mentioned going over my insurance coverage. She tried to spin it as even though I have a high deductible, they have a deal with them that's a real bargain. Except bargain is $3200 instead of $5400. I know that is a big difference, but it is a lot of money. Maybe if this was a surgery or some medical procedure, I would be thrilled, but in my mind it is most likely money being wasted being told things I was told in all the other hospitals, so it is still money wasted. I asked if it was due in advance and she said no, arrangements can be made, but my heart still sunk.
In a grownup moment, yesterday I finally paid off several old hospital bills yesterday, so I can only imagine starting with a new one. I had been planning to buy a salad to take to work. I put it back and bought alcohol instead.
I got to work and the boss was in a meeting. I waited until she got out and asked to talk. I told her about the $3000. I am sure she makes much more than me, but by her reaction I could tell she understood that was a lot. So I proposed an alternative I had been pondering. I offered to go to AA and get a form signed to show I went (like the people court ordered) to provide to HR. I offered to sign the consent to have my therapist tell them I am fine. She seemed quite happy with this.. probably because it was my suggestion. So she offered to meet with HR Friday to figure out details. I am kinda hoping they won't require daily meetings just because I would like a little freedom.
The thing is.. I like this plan because it allows some freedom. I don't know if that iop drug tests or something and would catch any slip. I spent years in AA drinking, so I know I have the ability to slip. I don't have to worry about lying in iop about self harm or suicidal thoughts. But honestly, it isn't necessary for me to be 100% perfect to be able to work either. I can guarantee other employees drink sometimes.
The rest of the day.. I don't know what happened. The suicidal thoughts were bad. They kept coming back. I finally told my supervisor that she could tell the manager or boss that things are worse than I have admitted. I have yet to use the word suicidal, but I have said it feels hopeless to my supervisor. This opens the door to maybe tell them. Honestly, IP is sounding like an OK idea. I don't believe it will help, but I do believe that things are not going to get better if I live like this. At least 3 times I left my desk and cried. I want to give up. I even thought that I don't care about how messy my apartment is when they find me as long as I am dead. I don't think IP will help but I know not doing anything won't help either. I called my psychiatrist but my appointment is in 2 weeks. I think if someone at work suggest IP, maybe my brain will let me go and maybe I will be alive in 2 weeks.
I am thinking of asking my therapist to contact my psychiatrist. I need someone to explain that I don't just stop my meds for fun. I need someone to explain that I don't restart them or comply because I truly believe based on past experience that it's hopeless. I wonder if she can explain that better than me staring at the floor. I am sure she will be willing. I just hate how doctors act all judgmental about why I see them but don't take the meds. It isn't that simple. It's the same reason I wait until I absolutely have to go to hospital. I truly don't think it will work and have years of experience to back that up.
Well, I am going to bed. I cancelled the IOP appointment because I don't want to argue about it being affordable somehow and somehow different than every other treatment. I am still looking for maybe just group therapy or something else. Friday I will face the awkwardness at work. Tomorrow I will just try to enjoy a day with my mom.
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