Guilt and shame

So work today... I feel like a terrible person. They gathered everyone to talk about overtime. When they were done I left the room and started crying. I am so tired. When I managed to stop crying, I asked my supervisor if I could talk to her. I then started crying all over again and said I can't keep working overtime. And when I say crying, I mean sobbing. She went and got the manager who kept asking how they can help me and what I need.. and I couldn't bring myself to say that I am suicidal or that I overdosed Saturday. I tried to explain that I am off my meds and waiting to see my psychiatrist. I wanted so badly to tell someone that I am terrified of my thoughts. And the manager said that me not doing well is affecting my work, and logically I know she doesn't mean I am making mistakes. She means I am doing things like sobbing at the mention of overtime. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to go inpatient. I don't want to take time off work. I don't see a way out of this. I so desperately want to go take the bottle of Librium in my car, and I only really managed not to because I am scared it wouldn't kill me, and I would just fall asleep at my desk. I want to ask to go home, but I am probably safer here. I just hate my brain and all the terrible thoughts I keep having.

Ended up apologizing to my supervisor for freaking out. I will probably apologize to the manager Friday. I know I shouldn't have to apologize for being depressed, but I feel bad for them being involved.. and it really was my worst meltdown. Like I was sitting and the manager was even squatting down to try to make eye contact because I couldn't look at them. I think I am going to tell her I have been trying to handle all this without telling anyone or going inpatient and clearly not doing well at it. I still want to avoid IP, but I may say it's a possibility if things don't improve. I do have therapy tomorrow, and I will try to be honest about how bad things are and see if she can help communicate with my psychiatrist because I can't seem to not lie to him. That probably is a good sign I need to find someone else. I called my old doctor but then never made an appointment. I realized switching back to the doctor who never listened isn't really any better than the one I see now.

I also feel bad because a friend texted me that she was thinking of me and asking about treatment because I told her I was doing outpatient, and I never answered the text. I was busy at work, but really I am just embarrassed to admit how I am doing. I am supposed to have lunch with her next weekend. I was also supposed to have lunch with a friend today, but I asked to postpone until next week because I couldn't face the thought of waking up early enough to go. I didn't get up until almost 2. Thankfully I am off work until Friday and I promised myself not to work on my days off this week because clearly I am exhausted.