Yesterday and today have finally been a bit better at work. In part because we are finally caught up and in part because evidence suggests the manager isn't fed up with me after last week's meltdown.
The weekend was hell. Although I admit work gets really interesting when everyone is this tired. They're all aware and joke about how I reach a point where I can't stop laughing. I can't remember what day it was that I was walking around (to stop laughing) and looked under someone's desk because I kinda like looking at what people have in their cubicles when they're not there. I saw what I can only say looked like a brown mushroom shaped scratching post or something. I am assuming it's a stool or something but it was definitely mushroom shaped and the fabric looked like brown carpet. No clue why it's under the desk. I started laughing. I showed a coworker who said it looked like a pile of shit. I then started laughing so hard I cried.
With regards to the manager. I sent her an email regarding a rather significant mistake I caught. I hate doing this because I realize we all make mistakes on occasion and I don't want to be why someone gets in trouble. So it has to either be significant or repeatedly happening for me to mention it. Anyway, her response thanked me very much for catching it and saving them from having to amend a report (the process involved if the mistake is caught after a client received the report). She also said she would speak to the analyst.
I sent her one more yesterday, but that she didn't respond to. Today I mentioned something via Skype and she told me I need to mention it to the analyst when I find it. I then did talk to the analyst and didn't respond to the manager on Skype. Honestly I was frustrated by her reaction, but I also got distracted because I was doing what she asked me to. Plus I was just in a bad mood. She later asked if I saw her response. I apologized and said I got distracted after showing the error to the person. I admittedly mentioned that person by name because it's the same one I emailed her about yesterday. She said it was fine and thanked me for all my hard work. I appreciate that because lately nobody else is doing reconfirmations and my understanding is that the person who did them during day shift is leaving and there has been some argument between the analysts about who has to do them now. I think I am the only one who likes them and is relatively comfortable with them. People come to me about what the trends are and what the machines are doing. It's really amusing how people talk about the machines like they're people. For example I frequently say a machine needs a time out for its behavior. Like lately, Atlas has been giving me ugly amphetamines. Sherlock makes things up (really meaning picks up tiny concentrations). Sorry. I am rambling.
I do feel valued at this company. I love how the medical director doesn't mind me asking questions. Though, I was showing him something on my computer (regarding Atlas's bad behavior) and he was leaning on the back of my chair and I have real personal space issues. He's an odd man. He used to have a desk next to mine and would listen to (and sing along to) Katy Perry. Today I had to ask the manager about two reconfirmations and at one point she sat in my cubicle while I explained, so I am no longer convinced she dislikes me.
I have an issue with paying a lot of attention to non verbal signals from people. I think it's why I hate talking on the phone. The problem is that I am not very good at it. I tend to always interpret things as meaning people are upset or don't like me. I think work over the past couple days people have finally relaxed a little, so I am less constantly convinced that I have done something wrong.
I did not exactly have a good day. For some reason after the Skype message thanking me I started to cry. I had to leave and sit in another room. I think it's just exhaustion. I also reached a point where I was struggling to concentrate. I think I am getting sick. I have had a persistent cough for a week at least. At first, it mostly was just like clearing my throat. I assumed it was either allergies or I get a weird feeling like my throat is closing when my blood pressure is high. Now though, my chest aches, and my dad recently had pneumonia. Add to this that I am usually nauseous and coughing that hard makes it worse. I felt like hell. So I think the crying was just that for days I have felt like hell but gone to work. I also know I am working slower (largely because I am fixing so many little mistakes people are making because they're exhausted). This is going to sound stupid. I had 2 post-it notes on my monitor where someone drew me a trophy for having the record for most reconfirmations in a single shift. Mine is 80 something, and this is the highest for anyone. Lately, I never manage more than 60. The trophies finally started to make me so depressed that I took them down. They were just a constant reminder that I wasn't doing enough. This is all just my thinking. I am still meeting my expected goal. My report cards are still above 100%. I just feel like it's never enough. Only Sunday when I actually caught up on all reconfirmations did I finally feel better. I honestly almost cried.
Tomorrow (well I guess today) I see my psychiatrist. This was also part of why I was crying. I don't know what to say. I know he won't be happy about me not taking my meds. I don't think he will be understanding. I don't know how to explain why I stopped. I don't know how to explain my inability to function. The last time I was doing poorly he said I should quit my job and move back in with my parents, which is not helpful and was not said in a kind manner. It was not that I would be healthier that way. It was basically that I can't handle my job and being independent. I want to either lie about how I am doing or tell him I know he won't approve and to just give me a prescription for Seroquel that will last until I find another psychiatrist. I would like to do the latter. He does know what he is doing and about depression and medication. He has at times said helpful things. However, he also has on more than one occasion made me feel judged. This makes it hard to be honest and hard to believe he wants to help. I know that means I should find someone else. I just can't sleep without seroquel, so I at least need that. So I will go and try to be honest. Maybe he will have some suggestions. Honestly, I am at a loss about what to do. I don't want to go into a psych ward. I also think I have medical problems that they would have issues with. I have cramps in my legs and feet that suggest dehydration. I have the nausea and vomiting and now (TMI) occasionally blood in my poop. However, I don't think any of this is enough to be admitted for medical reasons. I wonder at times if I could make myself sick enough. I still find myself thinking that 30 is an OK age to die. So maybe I should just be honest and at best he may have advice and at worst I trust he will prescribe the seroquel.
Sorry this has been so random. I am very tired.
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