I've been thinking

I have been doing a lot of thinking since I spoke with the manager. Not sure if thinking is such a good thing at this point, but I guess I am mentally preparing for whatever conversation happens next because I don't want to go in and not be able to explain anything.

The first question I asked myself is basically why did I manage a full year of being at this job without any serious problems and then in the second year end up in the hospital 3 times. I honestly think that when I gave up on school and the idea of finishing my degree, that's when things went to hell. I know that it was before the first admission that I admitted to the boss that I would probably never graduate. It was when I had started drinking and having tremors and was confronted by the manager that I told her. I think to some extent I gave up on life when I gave up on school and really have been struggling ever since. I just don't talk about it. I watch others go to school and I hate myself. A former student of mine was hired and she asked me if I was done with school. It was super awkward. I live with at least some level of fear constantly about people asking or commenting about school. I can't really explain the decision to quit to people without revealing a lot of personal problems because it is so wrapped up in my mental health. The decision to go to school was made to escape a terrible job. The stress from school combined with the independence of moving here is linked to my alcoholism. The alcoholism is a large part of why I dropped out. My short term memory was seriously fucked up when I was drinking, and that really impacted my ability to write. So none of this is easy to explain. Add in losing my sponsor and plenty of stress, everything that happened this year makes more sense.

I've also thought about treatment options. I know that my last hospital stay was pretty traumatic. That is probably why I don't want to go back to a psych ward. I also think I am more motivated and I worry that another bad treatment experience could undermine that. I am at the point where I feel I want to be sober or dead. I can't sustain the way I am living now. But I feel like every time I go inpatient I am questioned about how much I drink or how I eat or my depression and made to feel like I am exaggerating or making it up. It's like because I didn't try to kill myself and my liver isn't failing yet, there is always someone who questions why I am seeking help. Realistically, I know that this is my interpretation of things. The questions are generally not meant to be harmful and probably just an attempt to understand, but I am afraid of some stupid person derailing my attempt at recovery. So I would rather get medical help and then go back to AA rather than risk psychiatric help. Plus admittedly, I have limited choices of hospitals..  1 I still blame for my relapse into bulimia years ago because the food was so horrible that I lived off snacks, 1 my last stay involved a lot of conflict with the cafeteria staff that made me too embarrassed to eat and I self harmed pretty badly while there and nobody cared, and the third is where I started having panic attacks daily and ate less than half the meals because they dragged me to the cafeteria while I was sobbing and freaking out because a patient was throwing chairs and I refused to spend more than one meal crying alone at a table. So I have my reasons, but I am for some reason embarrassed to admit them to normal people. I think psych ward life is normalized for me. I have my bras without wires, shoes without laces, and know that alcohol cannot be one of the first 3 ingredients in my shampoo. I am also very aware that normal people don't think about these things. Normal people also don't know countless ways to self harm in a hospital.. they don't brainstorm between stays how to do it. Something about the rules and restrictions brings out my creative side, and I would just rather not deal with that. I just want to detox without being afraid I am going to have a stroke and without the insomnia and discomfort. And I don't want to add the trauma of a psych ward to what I have to cope with.

So that is what I am thinking. I thankfully have therapy tomorrow so maybe she can help me prepare. I feel like I am simultaneously in a good and very bad place. I want to be sober or dead, but that is better than wanting to be drunk or just wanting to be dead. I don't know how much hope I really have, but I know I have at least a little motivation. I logically know that there are people who care about me and who will take me back if I reach out. I am willing to spend money and argue with doctors to get help. I am thinking that I may ask a friend to go with me if I go to the ER. I think she might say yes and it might minimize my fear. Still debating. Will update when I have something to say.

And right after I first published this I texted my friend B from AA ... so someone at least knows I am alive and considering sobriety.