So on Tuesday I had a meltdown in front of my supervisor and manager over the mention of overtime and me being generally exhausted. This was contributed to obviously by my increased depression and suicidal thoughts which resulted in overdoses on Tylenol and diuretics a few days prior. I have since had 2 days off and today chose to work 2 hours overtime.
Part of me knows I will inevitably end up in hospital for either physical problems (dehydration, liver, whatever) given last week when my legs gave out carrying things up the stairs to my apartment, or I will end up there for a suicide attempt.
I would very much like to avoid this, but I am not sure it's possible. So the woman I refer to as my boss (the chief toxicologist) knew me from school before I was hired. We were acquaintances but maybe not friends because she started several years before me. The times I have spoken with her about personal things she has been very sympathetic. I guess she knows people (both family and friends) with substance abuse problems. I had heard her mention it before I ever told her about my issues. She is probably the person I most have to worry about knowing these things because of her position in the company, but given her age and experience is most likely to understand. She is very big on getting employees to understand that the job we do can be life or death for patients and what a problem substance abuse is.
I feel like I should talk to her. I should tell her the truth that I am struggling. I should tell her that I am doing dangerous things (cutting my wrist, the overdoses). I want to tell her I am scared that the manager is fed up with me and my problems and that I am afraid if I take time off they will look for an excuse to fire me. I want to try to do this outpatient, but I also feel like they should be prepared for me needing medical leave. I don't want to surprise them and make them resent me more. The thing is I can't really explain the situation without saying I am suicidal or at least don't care if I die because that's what most likely would lead to me being hospitalized. I don't want her to panic and insist I go now because I really am not convinced inpatient will help and not make it worse. But honestly I just want to tell someone. I want to say that I am worried that the manager is fed up with me crying or taking time off. I want to explain that this has been going on for half my life and so there is a reason I don't think hospital will help or medication will help. I honestly want to say that I never expected or wanted to live to be 30, so this is not simple for me. I don't know what I need to do. In my experience, hospitals are a waste of money and time. I also want to know that the company isn't fed up with me and going to try to get rid of me. I want them to know that this all started long before this job and doesn't mean I can't handle my job. I honestly think I would kill myself if I lost it, but I probably won't say that.
But then part of me thinks that I shouldn't tell anyone. I should work harder on hiding it. I mean I have told myself 30 is a good age to die. Logically, I can sometimes tell myself that the people I work with would be sad if I die. Sometimes I think they would be happy because they wouldn't have to deal with my problems. So part of me wants to talk to her to confirm that people care that I am alive, but that is a bit fucked up and manipulative.. so I don't know what to do. For now just keep working.
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