Worried

Yesterday was probably the worst I have been physically. I had planned to eat lunch and go to Target. I went to taco Bell and ordered. As I was standing waiting on my food, I got that feeling where my vision goes mostly white and sounds were weird (kinda muffled?). Only instead of lasting a few seconds, it lasted a couple minutes. I almost panicked and left but didn't want to drive until my vision went back to normal. So I sat and ate. Eventually, I felt ok. I decided to go home and skip target because I was worried it would happen again. I went back to bed for several hours. I finally did leave the apartment again to go to the pharmacy. I needed first aid supplies and I bought pedialyte in the hope that I was just dehydrated.

So I was not in the mood to work today. I couldn't convince myself to call in sick, so I went. I talked to the manager, and it was super awkward. I didn't really know what to say. I said I was doing poorly and her response was "Again?".. which didn't make me feel great. I told her bits and pieces of what's going on. She asked my permission to talk to the chief toxicologist about this and how they can help me. I agreed but am incredibly anxious about it. I am still afraid that they will use this as an excuse to fire me. I told her that I don't want anyone to think this means I can't do my job, and she said I am very good at my job. I just worry they might try to transfer me to something less stressful or something. I don't know. I guess I have to wait and see. I hate disappointing or inconveniencing them. I hate that I really don't know how to explain why this has happened so many times this year when I managed my whole first year with the company without any major issues. But this past year I have cycled through depression and being suicidal or too anxious to function over and over and can't seem to dig my way out. I am feeling desperate enough now that I hope things can change. I hope I can get help before I miss this window of opportunity and end up too far gone to find a way back.