The unexpected

I feel like I have been writing too much. I guess it doesn't really matter since nobody is forced to read it.

Today was actually better than expected. I mean I expected crying and exhaustion and generally terrible, so it didn't take a lot to turn out better. I guess after Thursday night and Friday being horrible with my stomach, today I was finally hungry enough to be motivated to eat. I had Taco Bell for lunch and after some debate picked up WhichWich for dinner at work. I got a turkey sandwich with pickles and extra mustard... can you tell I'm dehydrated and craving salt? I have a weird thing for mustard that started when the eating disorder was at its worst. Other food is just a vessel to transport the mustard. Crackers or rice cakes with mustard.. when I was vegan I got made fun of at work for making "sandwiches" when the caterer brought sandwich stuff because mine were just bread with mustard. I have also eaten it straight from the packet. Anyway, this is more than I have managed to eat in a few days.

Work was ok. I was tired but not as bad as some nights. I chickened out about talking to the manager. I have all sorts of anxiety about telling her, and I can't tell if any is logical. I didn't want to do it on a day when so many people were working overtime because I didn't want to make it seem like I meant I was treated unfairly. I didn't want to just sound like I was complaining. I don't want her to interpret this as me not being able to do my job and have my health be an excuse for them to start looking for reasons to fire me. I didn't want to ruin anyone's holiday. I worry that I don't know how much is appropriate to tell her. There's more crazy thinking but I will stop there. I am still wondering what she knows because I did see both the supervisor and manager look at me when they were talking. The supervisor had me not do reconfirmations tonight and my paranoid mind is debating if this is because yesterday I said that I couldn't handle much more of this stress and overtime and pressure or if I made some mistake or haven't been doing enough. That again made me wonder if she discussed this with anyone.

Whatever. We are finally caught up. This does increase the likelihood of me being able to take time off with less guilt. The problem now I think is that I put this off so long that I care so little about surviving. It is so hard to find the motivation to get help to get better when I am fine with dying. It is hard when work matters more to me than life. And I am relying on the discomfort of being sick to motivate me and having to ignore the thoughts that sick=dying. I have to remember that I might not die any time soon and don't want to spend years having to plan and time my meals to avoid spending my nights standing over the toilet.

AA talks about death as one of the outcomes of alcoholism. I have said it in meetings that it doesn't spend much time talking about how long drinking yourself to death can take. It doesn't talk about how infuriating it can be to be drinking for years and physically healthy. So I have to remind myself. I know it doesn't take much to go from healthy to dying, but it isn't predictable.

It's new year's eve, and I am laying in bed. We got off work a bit early. I don't know how I will spend tomorrow. I am not making any resolutions. The only one I considered was to die before my next birthday, but I don't intend to actually make a resolution. If it happens, it happens. I have no other goals at the moment. Tonight I just want to get some sleep. Probably will go shopping tomorrow because it's something other than lying in bed?

I have been thinking about sending the manager an email or writing a note about what's going on since I can't seem to say anything. I can't decide if this is too weird or crazy. I have done this with therapists and doctors and parents and friends, but it seems too personal to do with a coworker. Plus, I don't like the idea of anyone having physical evidence of anything related to this. I even refuse to send Skype messages about certain things because I know the computer saves them and I know that deleting the saved conversations might not stop them being able to find them if they try. I also keep thinking that I don't want this to be like the bank. I got too many people too involved with my insanity there because I was miserable and hated that job.

At this job, I have not been so obvious about the eating disorder. I have purged a couple times but never binged or chew/spit or any of what I openly did at the bank. I stopped trying to hide all scars but at the bank I would leave blades visible in my purse, and I have done nothing like that. I have never overdosed on pills at work.. and I try to be subtle about taking any medication. So I know I am not doing some of the horrible things I did then. Just any time I think about my personal problems affecting a coworker, I am reminded of things I have done. I think it's because I am not sure when my behavior crossed the line from being crazy but not intending to harm anyone to being manipulative and attention seeking. I didn't even really acknowledge how much I was seeking attention until later, and that's why I am scared that it will happen again and I won't realize until the damage is done. But it's hard because I get the impression that some of these people care about me. I think that they would be hurt and possibly permanently affected if I died. I was thinking today about this little toy I have on my desk of Sadness from the movie Inside Out and wondered if I killed myself, what would happen to it? Would it get thrown away? Would they keep it to remember me? Then you would have this little sadness figure belonging to a dead woman who worked for the company.. and that's interesting to ponder. So I am weighing the cost of telling someone personal problems that may cause them worry (like admitting being suicidal) versus the risk of not telling them and taking an action that could affect them (killing myself or attempting suicide). I know several of these people from school as well and so have known them for years, so it's even more complicated.

I don't know. Tomorrow I think I will go shopping. Monday we are also closed, but that is too far ahead to think. I also am hoping if I do go to the hospital to not tell my parents. This means either schedule it around the day I normally see them, so they have no reason to question where I am.. or lie. I would prefer to just not tell them. It's complicated by not knowing how long the hospital would keep me. I will think more about it when better rested.