Tired and scared

I am not having a very good night. I left work around 8:45 and cried a bit driving home. I feel like I probably should have stayed longer but I didn't feel like trying to eat something and I knew if I stayed longer without eating I would end up super sick later. It's also my day off, so if I feel like only working 5 hours then that's what I will do. I am just tired and beyond frustrated.

Nobody said anything about what I told the supervisor yesterday, so I really am not sure if she mentioned it to anyone. The manager was perfectly nice the couple times I had to talk to her about work stuff.

Since getting home, the suicidal thoughts have gotten worse. I briefly considered texting my supervisor to say I was going to the ER, but since my goal is not to go to the psych ward.. showing up at the ER for being suicidal probably won't help with that goal. I then considered calling a friend and asking her if I could sleep on her couch, but I don't feel like driving and didn't want to make her come get me. Plus, I know I won't sleep well if I am not in my own bed, and the reason why my thinking is worse is probably exhaustion. So I have settled on staying in bed as much as possible and trying not to think. I don't even really have that many pills in the apartment. I am too lazy to look for knives or razors. So really all I am likely to do is drink and watch Netflix until I go to sleep.

I will call someone if it gets worse. Tomorrow if anyone says anything about what time I went home I intend to tell them that I was not mentally well enough to be there. I am past caring about how much I work compared to others. I have worked so many times when I was seriously depressed or suicidal or physically ill. I don't owe them anything more. Some people can work a lot of overtime. For me it eventually leads to nights like tonight where I desperately want to die, so I can't work more than this until I am healthier. I need rest.