Regret

So I am starting to regret not really dealing with my health stuff sooner. I am pretty certain that I am not going to figure out going into the hospital this month. Mainly because I don't want to miss Christmas and because I feel like it will take at least a little planning. If I just went to the emergency room, I am not convinced that they would admit me rather than try to send me to a psych ward or send me home with meds for nausea. I could be wrong. I mean I got home tonight and pretty much projectile vomited either acid or bile because I had already thrown up dinner at work. I then gagged and coughed until I really just wanted to curl up on the bathroom floor and cry. So probably not in the best of health. But if I don't go until January I will have to worry about my deductible and I feel dumb for not planning to deal with this before. I also don't know if I will go at all or just keep hoping that I will die.

I am still very concerned about Christmas. Even if I smuggle alcohol with me, what if this happens? Can I hide being sick or come up with an excuse? Do I just act surprised like this doesn't happen every night and hope to pass it off as a stomach bug or something I ate?

I also might have made a bit of an ass of myself at work. It's just that my supervisor kept saying how we shouldn't stress and complaining about how the other supervisor is stressing everyone about us being behind. And I felt sick and had spent all day coughing and feeling guilty because I pretty much refuse to work a bunch of unpaid overtime when I have been dragging myself to work despite being physically ill and suicidal for weeks. And I am worried that they are going to ask me to come in extra, and I am just so tired. She said that they aren't going to make it mandatory but they have done that sort of thing before. And I mean we're talking about a company that refuses to heat the building. How can I be so convinced that they won't decide I have to work on my days off or on a day that we are supposed to be closed? I honestly am afraid I will lose it if they decide to make us work the 24th or 26th after saying we will be closed.

Anyway, I may have said something about how I just can't handle anymore and it's impossible not to stress and how I am certain that we will end up working one of those days.. and my brother works on Christmas, so we are supposed to celebrate on the 26th and with my luck they will make us work then and screw up my plans. Except I may have said that with a few more swear words. Oops

I don't know. It has been a bad day, and I really need a break. I am not feeling very hopeful