Cold

I started another post but deleted it because it was just rambling with no topic. Now I will try again.

Not that this is much of a topic but..

I feel like winter is definitely my worst season. There is something about cold that cuts through my brain and changes any positive thoughts to negative. I almost always go off my meds in winter. I struggle to go out. I isolate. I don't even make logical choices to keep warm. I can remember last year going to add a 4th blanket to my bed and finally remembering that I could actually set the thermostat to more than 60.

Currently in bed with icy cold feet debating the idea of putting on socks. It doesn't help that they refuse to turn the heat on at work. Like actively refuse. I wore a fleece jacket tonight. Coworkers are bringing blankets. It's absurd. I don't know if the logic has to do with the machines, which are admittedly very sensitive to temperature fluctuations. Maybe I can snuggle in a cat and claim it's a fur scarf? I am so much more depressed when it is cold.

Work is chaos. People are trying to use pto so they don't lose it. We are busier. Someone apparently quit yesterday, and I didn't find out until tonight. I am perpetually exhausted and still feeling sick, so I have pretty much decided not to work late. I feel like their options are let me work 40 hours as best as possible or me end up on medical leave or dead because I lose what little energy I have. Honestly, nobody has said anything about it. The guilt is all my own creation, but I am having to remind myself that I am not well.

I also feel bad because really if I want help I should go now. In January, I have to worry about my deductible again, which complicates everything. I just don't know if things are bad enough to get help now. I keep hoping someone will ask or express concern, so I don't have to start the conversation. I don't know if they just don't know what to say or if really I seem to be functioning. I am in my mind visibly getting worse. I am exhausted and struggling to focus.

I don't know. I am still trying. I saw my parents and made candy with my mom. I finally did the application to consolidate my student loans. I am trying to function. I dyed my hair because that sometimes helps. All I really want is sleep.

I am anxious about Christmas. I think we are celebrating on the 26th because of my brother's work schedule. I don't know if I can get away with going to my parent's house on the 25th and baking and helping and then going home to sleep and going back on the 26th. Or will they be suspicious and expect me to sleep there. In that case, I either have to smuggle in alcohol or risk withdrawal and insomnia, which will make it very unpleasant. Honestly, I am hoping to use the cats as my excuse to sleep at home. I used to take them with me for the night. However, Nermal is scared of their dog (who doesn't seem to understand why Nermal doesn't want to love her.. I feel bad for the poor, confused dog) and it feels mean to take her there. I don't know what to do. I guess I have time to decide. I really would rather sleep in my own bed. I am so tired.

I will update again soon. I think I finally warmed up enough to sleep. I hate winter.