Darkness

I am having a rough day and it hasn't even really started. I was up until at least 3 and vomited 5 or 6 times. Physically, I know I am dehydrated. Starting a few hours ago, I have been trying to eat.. I managed a bit of cereal and now crackers. I really wish I had applesauce. I have also had a few shots of vodka and a bit of water. My legs keep cramping up, so I know I probably eventually need something with potassium.

Mentally, I feel beyond hopeless. I considered calling my mom and admitting everything. I have ignored 3 phone calls from random numbers. The thing is that I am scared to answer my phone because I know I have a couple hospital bills I am behind on paying. It isn't that I don't have the money. I just cannot manage to do things. I don't check my email. I don't open bills. Ever since losing my last debit card I have still only managed to sort out some of what it was being used for. I just feel absolutely paralyzed most of the time, and I really don't know how to fix it. I haven't actually admitted this anywhere but here.

The calls just remind me of how much I may have fucked up my life. They may be nothing. I am too scared to answer and deal with it.

I very much wish I was dead. I am doing what I can to make it through the day. The cats are being cuddly.. either they are concerned or it's because the apartment is cold. That doesn't matter. I know that they need me. I remind myself that if I died there is a chance nobody would find them in time and they might too. I know that if I died my parents might not be able to handle another 2 cats and (although I doubt they would do this) they could end up in a shelter and not find another home. So as pathetic as it is, they keep me alive because I can't stand that thought.

I am not sure how work will be today. Either it will snap me out of this for a while or I will probably break down and tell someone how scared I am. I am terrified of how dark and hopeless things feel and how helpless I feel to change it. I really want to ask what kind of impression they think it gives for me to tell my supervisor that I might need to go to a hospital because I am concerned about my health and a couple hours later be asked to work on my day off. How hard it makes it for me to actually get help. This is obviously not their fault, but it is a factor. I am beyond exhausted and sick and I am more concerned about work than any of that. I mean admittedly being suicidal is not a new feeling, but I am struggling so much to believe that it matters. I am struggling to believe honestly that me dying is worth caring about and is worth inconveniencing anyone. I truly wonder if they would be upset. For now, I am going to lay in bed and eat crackers and I will face the day when I have to.

After work update ** I survived. I stayed in bed until 2pm crying and watching Nurse Jackie on Netflix. I took a tomato soup to work. I ended up eating half a yogurt and some fruit as well. I stood up to talk to a coworker and everything went white and I had to grab onto the cubicle. My legs are still cramped. All day people were talking about tomorrow and who is working on their day off and who is working what hours. I eventually just straight up told my supervisor I can't keep working overtime. I said I was sick all night and cried all morning. I still didn't mention being suicidal but I tried to be as clear as possible that I can't handle this. She told me to talk to the manager. I really wish she would just say something for me, but I guess I will have to do it. I don't know if it will be tomorrow. It seems awful to bring it up on new year's eve and when the manager is working on her day off. I guess I will take this a day at a time. Who knows. Maybe tomorrow I will feel well and rested. Unlikely. But possible.