Struggling

The weather has gotten much colder this week, and it isn't helping my mood. I am still quite suicidal some days.

I did force myself to be social. Wednesday I went to see the new Disney movie with my mom and brother. I was so exhausted getting up in time to meet for lunch before. We then went shopping for a charity toy drive organized by the local police department. We do this every year. It's fun buying toys and we don't really have any actual kids to buy for (my cousins are all grown), so we do this every year. Then Thursday I went shopping with my mom. I picked out a few things for her stocking and my dad. She buys all the stocking stuff including most of her own, so since I have been semi independent I buy surprises for hers. This year a chocolate Santa and this adorable tiny grater thing.. because I have a weakness for useless kitchen gadgets. I also bought my cats a new bed to fight over. I still have most of my shopping to do, but it was fun.

We had dinner after and I could tell my stomach was in bad shape. I managed 2 days without vomiting and then last night was awful. I was sick half a dozen times. I woke up a few times with excruciating cramps in my legs which I took to mean my electrolytes were screwed up.. so I made myself drink some milk in the morning because that had the most potassium of anything in the apartment. I needed to go to the pet store but ended up staying in bed until time for work because I just couldn't face shopping. The cats kept me company.

It was funny because once last night I had to rescue Nermal from a cookie bag she stuck her head in and got stuck. Once I woke up and thought it was weird that only odd was on the bed. I sat up and realized that the blanket was purring and Nermal was asleep underneath. Currently, I have sheets, a quilt, and a cotton blanket on the bed.. plus 2 cats to keep me warm. When it's cold, she always sleeps where Odd is whether he seems happy about it or not. He eventually decided to sleep on top of me with his butt in my face.. not the best arrangement, but they do keep me warm.

Work was rough. I was nauseous and tired. I told my supervisor that I had been sick and not slept much. This is my compromise as far as honesty. I haven't said that I want to die, but I am trying to make sure she knows I am struggling. Plus, I know I yawn a lot and have trouble with my temper at times. It also means that it probably won't be a total surprise if I do tell her more in the future. I managed to leave at midnight. I could have stayed longer, but I had so little energy. I also had to go to the grocery store after work because I was out of cat food. The compromise since I didn't go to the pet store was to buy a few cans of food after work to feed them tonight and in the morning. That means tomorrow I have to go buy their usual food. For someone who eats mostly junk (actually now about half junk and half fruit and yogurt), I am oddly particular about what I feed my cats. Mainly I prefer not anything with meat byproducts or lots of corn/grains. For a while they ate basically a pescatarian dry food by Canidae but I switched to a slightly lower calorie brand that's fish and rice based now that Nermal is not a kitten.  

Now I am eating cereal and applesauce for dinner and hopefully going to sleep soon. I picked up the applesauce, some granola bars, and candy (it honestly helps with nausea) for myself. I obviously don't care much about my own diet as long as the food mostly stays down. It is fucking cold outside, so I am grateful to be in my pajamas because scrubs are not warm. I may need to invest in leggings or warmer socks.. or honestly taking my thyroid medication would also help. Cold just makes the depression worse. Thank god for blankets and cats.