Not having a very good day. I have gotten a million phone calls. Several were while I was still in bed. I answered one but ignored the rest assuming if it was super important that they would leave a voicemail.
It was super weird that I had a dream about seeing my GP and talking about my last appointment, and then I had a call from a local area code that is the one I did answer. It was someone at my GP's office calling about my labs. It really kinda upset me because the woman said something about my thyroid being off and how I had said I wasn't taking the levothyroxine. Her voice sounded like she was almost laughing when she said it. I mean I get that it's obvious that my thyroid levels would be off if I am not taking my meds, but it isn't funny to me because I'm not taking it because I am barely functioning. I was probably grumpy and tired and reading too much into her tone, but it bothered me. She also said my liver function was slightly abnormal but that could be fixed by taking the levothyroxine. Nothing about the alcohol. I think I was almost hoping that something would be wrong with the tests, and it has been a couple weeks so maybe they would be worse now.
I was just not in a good mood today. I threw up before leaving for work. I drove to work thinking that 30 seems like a pretty good age to die. I mean really I've always assumed I would be dead by 30. I even thought it could be my new year's resolution to be dead before I turn 31. I realized that is a pretty fucked up thought.. and I managed to tell my supervisor that I need to talk to her. I did not succeed in actually doing it. I just was so nauseous and tired by midnight that I couldn't make myself do it. I am going in on my day off Wednesday again because I feel guilty, so I will try to tell her then. She didn't ask me to work. She said I didn't have to, but the guilt is too much and honestly I realize that it probably is best I not spend the day alone when I am pretty suicidal. So I will work a few hours and try to tell her what's going on.
I looked into options for boarding my cats if I decide not to tell my parents that I am going to hospital. I found some reasonable options. The current obstacle preventing me from going tonight is that my lease is up at the end of the month. I emailed them about renewing, but I really need to sort this out before I can go. I know that if it was for medical reasons I could probably make arrangements to sign the new lease later, but it is probably less complicated to just try to sort it out before I go. So I will see tomorrow if they respond or if I need to call. Then I will be back to deciding if I want help or to make my resolution to work on dying.
**edit** I went to work on my day off again. I did talk to my supervisor. I focused on the medical side of things and not the mental health stuff going on. I said that I might end up in the hospital. I said possibly next week because I need to sort out some unrelated life stuff. She was nice. I don't know if she told the manager yet. None of this was enough to stop them asking me to work tomorrow on my other day off. I probably should have worked more hours today, but after I agreed to go in tomorrow I just wanted to go home and go back to bed. I expressed my unhappiness about how we are being treated lately. Not by my supervisor but by the company in general. I wonder if the manager will talk to me tomorrow. I am sort of mentally preparing what to say. I don't know what she knows about the health stuff because I never mentioned being sick to her, but she may know some of it since I have gone home early a couple times. We will see
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